Trovador Posted February 22, 2011 Posted February 22, 2011 Back then, the biggest problem with the OP was that she advocated her particular vision of how handling a break up (basically, staying around her ex) to some new members who, understandably, needed someone to telling them precisely that, that they could and should follow their exes like puppies. So, if someone here believes there is a right solution for him or her, even if it goes against the general opinion of a whole forum, nothing in this world prevents him of trying, what it shouldn't be done is preaching on said solution when not only it's not that, a solution, but a theory, but experience has showed which is the less hurtful way to act after a break up. I wasn't a friend or foe of Don Ho, but few posters here possess the good will he showed in helping others, even if his choice of words while doing it was rather... unorthodox... I also am convinced that no history on LS is unique and only time will tell rightfully if this particular instance is, indeed, an exception to the rule...
ChameleonMan Posted February 22, 2011 Posted February 22, 2011 As many folks have stated before me, NC certainly may not be the best, but in nearly every situation it truly is. Before coming on these forums, my breakup has led me to believe that NC is the healthiest choice no matter what stance I have. Whether it be my desire to get her back or my own willingness to move on, NC was the way to determine which of those two options was ultimately the best for me. Finding these forums and reading the justifications that many have supplied here has validated exactly that.
WTRanger Posted February 22, 2011 Posted February 22, 2011 Thread in question. Hope things work out She agreed with Don Ho and then she thanked him! Now she's on here saying she was attacked? Good gravy! I hope this 5th or 500th, (what is the count up to now?) chance works out. The only way you can successfully get back with someone is if you have fixed what broke it the first place. Has that been fixed or just white washed?
carhill Posted February 22, 2011 Posted February 22, 2011 This is the 'selective memory process'. When you're married, it's called 'rewriting the marriage'. When your affair partner dumps you, it's called 'you must've misunderstood'. It's why I have a cat.
skydiveaddict Posted February 22, 2011 Posted February 22, 2011 Anyhow...my update is that 6 1/2 months after our breakup, and staying friends for all that time, we are back together, and happier than ever. Silvaria Just wait till he screws you over again
Trimmer Posted February 22, 2011 Posted February 22, 2011 (edited) Well, the abuse I received from the members of this forum was disgusting. I was called a fool and a pussy by a poster named Don Ho, and others mocked me endlessly, saying I was weak and NC NC NC!!! NOTHING BUT NC!!! Uh... I just went back and reviewed the threads you started at that time (the one Carhill referenced as well as the others.) What I saw was you acknowledging and bantering good-naturedly with Don Ho, thanking him for his straightforward advice. Here is one typical passage. I've bolded some of the more abusive, disgusting comments: I did tell you that "You have to be a stronger, confident woman" and I'm glad you understand what I said. It is true of most of us guys on here too ... Good plan. Chill for a bit. Good idea for you to continue to relax this week too. Clear your head. Go exercise. Hang with your friends for Labor Day weekend and have some fun. Hang in there and keep us posted! I saw you exchanging conversation with a number of different people with sometimes differing, strong opinions, but at the end, you thanking people for their comments and opinions. I guess the only reason I feel so strongly about calling you on this in detail, is that the very broad strokes and implications of both the title of this thread, and your comment that the "abuse...[you] received ... was disgusting", I think you have significantly revised history, in your memory of your interactions in those threads. The most abuse I saw directed at you was from you, calling yourself "stupid" and "pathetic" in various spots. Even Don Ho ended up patting you on the back with a "good job" for your revelations at the end of one of your threads.... The most important comment I saw, and the one I would highlight again, was in one of those earlier threads of yours, but it went unacknowledged by you at that time: The purpose of NC is not to trick someone into wanting to get back together with you, it is to give you space, time, and a clear head to heal and move on The reason I point all this out in such detail is that if you have trouble remembering the emotional texture and factual elements of events from just a few months ago without re-forming and twisting them so significantly in your memory, could it be that this is a factor that is feeding into the dynamic of your relationship, and the apparently periodic and repetitive cycle of breaking up and getting back together again? Are you guys really seeing clearly what is going on, and are you learning from these cycles as you move forward, or are you just repainting a new layer of whitewash over your history each time, and then going back to repeat the same cycle? Edited - to acknowledge that I see other posters above have pointed out similar examples (or lack thereof) of the original interactions in those threads. Edited February 22, 2011 by Trimmer
frenchangel Posted February 22, 2011 Posted February 22, 2011 I was wondering for myself if I should break off from him to see if he would miss me a second time. But a part of me is too fearful that he will just work harder and focus more on her when I am out of the picture. I hang on because I love him... and I have told him I will accept our relationship as 'loving friendship' if that is all he can share with me. Most days it hurts like hell. He has only asked for this for about a week now but it feels like a year. My heart is bleeding every day we have 'small talk'. He doesn't like to say he loves me or misses me. Its tearing me up inside but I want to be there to prove to him that my love is unwavering. I feel that its not just him trying to fix his marriage but him also testing me to see if I truly love him enough to stay with him through this difficult time or will I falter and find someone else. When we were separated for 10 months I did have a fling with someone for two days. It hurt him like hell. So now I wonder if he is taking this time to focus on his wife and his relationship because of my mistake. Because he feels he didn't really know me. He said its not that at all but I think a part of him is afraid to love me again even though I have been faithful to him since we reconnected. He knows that but he feels I betrayed our memory with my fling. He's trying to get over that. During this time though, his birthday came along and something happened... they fought during his birthday so I don't understand why his distance from me. He even said he was depressed, unhappy, and sad. I think he feels his connection to me is the source of his unhappiness at home. So by cutting our time together his feelings won't be as deep and he can focus more on their relationship. I'm hurting inside with each time I reach out to him or each time we say hi.... How long did it take for him to come back to you?
threebyfate Posted February 22, 2011 Posted February 22, 2011 I don't think NC is for everyone. It's only for those who honestly want to heal and move on. But in Silvaria's case I too would have piled on the NC gravy train. Even now that she's back with her ex for the 6th time, I still think she made a mistake by not remaining in NC. Major drama relationships aren't healthy for either person. Can't imagine what it would be like to have a marriage like this or worse yet, married with kids so you feel obligated to stay or don't have the financial means to split. *shudders*
Author Silvaria Posted February 22, 2011 Author Posted February 22, 2011 (edited) Heh...interesting to see such strong reactions to my post. First of all, I will admit that that perhaps I didn't receive as much abuse as I had thought, but at the time, I wasn't thinking clearly because I was so miserable, so I remembered it more strongly than it actually occurred. If some of you want to believe I am one of the few perpetrators of seeing the past through one's own filter, far be if for me to disabuse you of that notion, LOL...however, that being said, this was the post to which I was mainly referring, where I politely told Don Ho in a previous message that we would have to agree to disagree, and which I noticed nobody bothered to reference. But instead of bowing out and agreeing to the disagreement, he attacked me and made absolute proclamations about MY future (emphasis mine): http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showpost.php?p=2997912&postcount=22 Wow. What a good rationalization for keeping in contact when the truth is you're too emotionally weak to cut ties and move on. I would say your situation is like 98% of the others and, while there are some differences because it is YOUR situation, the basic facts are the same. You are not among the 2% that MIGHT be different. Like it or not, one-size-fits-almost-all fits you and the other 98% of the population. Knock it off with the he's "stubborn" like every other Dumpee on here says. If someone really WANTS to be with you, they WILL let you know!! Saying they're stubborn or won't contact is just an excuse to not accept the reality that they are not in love with you. Hurts, but true. Go ahead, he has you making him comfortable and feeling wanted without giving you the slightest commitment or telling you he wants you back. I can guarantee you this, you will wallow around with this "situation" with him. Nothing will get resolved or you will start dating again and it will just flounder along because he never had to miss you, want you or beg to be with you. At some point down the road, you will realize you wasted a lot of time on a relationship that is not going to work and you will be forced to do NC because you will want to move on and heal. Wow...so a guy who doesn't really know me or my situation, who was cool at first until I didn't take his advice to heart, suddenly KNOWS FOR A FACT how things will turn out?? Alright, if you guys want to all say I had no reason to get angry at that, I guess we'll just have to agree to disagree on that. I personally find it the height of arrogance to predict the future for others, and call them weak-minded, but, I guess that's just me. As for me and my ex...yep, he has dumped me multiple times. I'm not stupid, I didn't actually think a number of you wouldn't read up on all my previous posts. As I've said before, he is bipolar, and they are notorious for having rocky relationships. Does that mean they are incapable of having loving and long-term relationships? Not at all. He keeps coming back to me for a reason, which I believe is because I am unconditional in my love and forgiveness of him. I see a few of you have already predicted the doom of our relationship...I'm sorry that you're so bitter and angry about your own lives that you feel the need to project that onto mine. Happy people don't make drastic, pessimistic predictions for people they don't know, and I prefer optimism and hope, myself. Is it possible it won't work out yet again? Of course. Only a fool would say otherwise. But I also know this man makes me feel things that I have never felt in my 43 years of life on this planet. He makes me feel beautiful, desirable, loved, and wanted. Is he moody as hell? Yep. And moody people need love too. In any case, it's MY chance to take, it's MY decision to make, and I am truly glad that I do not go around telling other people how they should do things just because I don't particularly agree with their choices. I'm also grateful that I'm a happy enough person not to tell others, "Just wait until he screws you over"...wow, that must be quite an unpleasant way to live. Do I advocate my method for others? Nope, and apparently, that's where I am different. As I already stated, human emotions are too widely varied for there to be a one-size-fits-all solution, which Don Ho actually did claim to be THE truth. I do apologize if my post came across as self-aggrandizing, but to be honest, I am on Cloud 9 right now, and quite giddy. And when I thought back to how I was told that for a FACT, my method would not work, well...I freely admit that I'm only human, and the need to show that person or persons that they were wrong won out. My bad. I appreciate all the replies, regardless. Thank you to everyone for feeling free to express your opinions. Edited February 22, 2011 by Silvaria
xpaperxcutx Posted February 22, 2011 Posted February 22, 2011 Heh...interesting to see such strong reactions to my post. First of all, I will admit that that perhaps I didn't receive as much abuse as I had thought, but at the time, I wasn't thinking clearly because I was so miserable, so I remembered it more strongly than it actually occurred. If some of you want to believe I am one of the few perpetrators of seeing the past through one's own filter, far be if for me to disabuse you of that notion, LOL...however, that being said, this was the post to which I was mainly referring, where I politely told Don Ho in a previous message that we would have to agree to disagree, and which I noticed nobody bothered to reference. But instead of bowing out and agreeing to the disagreement, he attacked me and made absolute proclamations about MY future (emphasis mine): http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showpost.php?p=2997912&postcount=22 Wow...so a guy who doesn't really know me or my situation, who was cool at first until I didn't take his advice to heart, suddenly KNOWS FOR A FACT how things will turn out?? Alright, if you guys want to all say I had no reason to get angry at that, I guess we'll just have to agree to disagree on that. I personally find it the height of arrogance to predict the future for others, and call them weak-minded, but, I guess that's just me. As for me and my ex...yep, he has dumped me multiple times. I'm not stupid, I didn't actually think a number of you wouldn't read up on all my previous posts. As I've said before, he is bipolar, and they are notorious for having rocky relationships. Does that mean they are incapable of having loving and long-term relationships? Not at all. He keeps coming back to me for a reason, which I believe is because I am unconditional in my love and forgiveness of him. I see a few of you have already predicted the doom of our relationship...I'm sorry that you're so bitter and angry about your own lives that you feel the need to project that onto mine. Happy people don't make drastic, pessimistic predictions for people they don't know, and I prefer optimism and hope, myself. Is it possible it won't work out yet again? Of course. Only a fool would say otherwise. But I also know this man makes me feel things that I have never felt in my 43 years of life on this planet. He makes me feel beautiful, desirable, loved, and wanted. Is he moody as hell? Yep. And moody people need love too. In any case, it's MY chance to take, it's MY decision to make, and I am truly glad that I do not go around telling other people how they should do things just because I don't particularly agree with their choices. I'm also grateful that I'm a happy enough person not to tell others, "Just wait until he screws you over"...wow, that must be quite an unpleasant way to live. Do I advocate my method for others? Nope, and apparently, that's where I am different. As I already stated, human emotions are too widely varied for there to be a one-size-fits-all solution, which Don Ho actually did claim to be THE truth. I do apologize if my post came across as self-aggrandizing, but to be honest, I am on Cloud 9 right now, and quite giddy. And when I thought back to how I was told that for a FACT, my method would not work, well...I freely admit that I'm only human, and the need to show that person or persons that they were wrong won out. My bad. I appreciate all the replies, regardless. Thank you to everyone for feeling free to express your opinions. The bolded. I have nothing more to add than the fact that NC has always been advocated in a breakup to help posters. No one said it would 100% effective in helping you overcome a breakup, but it is the best course of action to overcome one. Your need to give a " positive" outcome of your relationship should prove enlightening to some, disheartening to others. Whichever it is, best luck OP. You may need it
Trimmer Posted February 22, 2011 Posted February 22, 2011 (edited) Silvaria - I wish you all the best, and I don't even mean that in that snarky way, like even as I say it publicly, I'm snickering to myself that you will fail. I'm not one who advocates NC as the ONLY way to handle every breakup - I do advocate it as the usual best way to move on, once you are convinced that a breakup is permanent. Some people tend to believe that any breakup is permanent right from the start, and that's where the "always do NC" comes in. You didn't think your breakup was permanent, so it wasn't the right thing for you. The real issue being argued here is not "is NC the best/only way?", but the NC argument is really a proxy for the real issue: "is this breakup permanent or not?" Only if and when you get to a "yes" answer does NC then come in as the best coping tool. So no, it's not one-size fits all. My irritation, and I will be frank about that, is that you came on this thread painting with a broad brush, pretty much indicting the entire LS membership (subject: "you guys were wrong") and complaining pretty bitterly ("abuse... from the members in this forum... was disgusting..." " "level of support and tolerance I received here was incredibly sub-par.") And my bottom line is that on the whole, I don't think these members and this forum deserve such a broad drubbing. I don't know, all I can say is that on your threads, I think you got some pretty reasonable support - you, yourself were thanking people up and down as you banged your head on your desktop. Indeed, you did get knocked around a little bit - on someone else's thread where you started arguing your own issues, which is probably why nobody saw that when they looked back at how you were treated. I actually draw a distinction there: you were on someone else's thread arguing advice being given that person. At that point you are a supporter of that thread's OP, and yes, you argued and made your point, and maybe even helped the OP of that thread with your alternate viewpoint. Yes, that gets a little rough-and-tumble sometimes, and good for you for doing that and standing up for what you believed, but the purpose of that thread was not to support you. So it's unfortunate you were so put off, but it just didn't seem like your overall experience - especially not in your threads where you were being given support - was in line with the bullets you fired off. But I do have to say, you made points with me by using the word "disabuse". I love chicks with a vocabulary. Truly the best of luck to you. I make no predictions, and I wish for you that you find what you are looking for, and that you end up satisfied and fulfilled. Edited February 22, 2011 by Trimmer
Author Silvaria Posted February 22, 2011 Author Posted February 22, 2011 (edited) Trimmer, you are absolutely right, and I am adult enough to admit it. I did come back here angry, probably because I left angry. I allowed one person on here who made absolute statements to put me off from the entire website, and for that, I do apologize. I won't deny that I am an emotional person, and sometimes, overly dramatic. It's part of who I am, and because of that, sometimes I go overboard. I did receive a lot of support here, and I was remiss in not giving those people their due praise. 9lives was one...she gave me a lot of support, and I feel badly now for the "broad brush". Therefore, I will revise my original premise: I was at a very sensitive point in my life because I felt I had lost something very, very important to me. I took the statement of one insensitive person too seriously, and as a result, I viewed the entire forum and all it's members in an overly negative light. I sincerely apologize for that. However, I will not apologize to those who have, on this very thread, been extremely pessimistic about mine and his chance of finding true happiness. No one has the power to predict the future, and as the saying goes, the path of true love is never smooth. And frankly, having been in a 15 year relationship with a man who was boring as hell, I don't want smooth anymore, lol...I like the drama and the highs and the lows. And if it works for me, who is to say it is wrong? Thank you for your post, it was very, very insightful. Edited February 22, 2011 by Silvaria
Trimmer Posted February 22, 2011 Posted February 22, 2011 Hey, it's all good. And I do agree with you, in that there's a whole spectrum here on LS from those who say "you'll want to watch out for this, because it happens a lot..." all the way to those who snarl "You will crash and burn, I guarantee it." Some do it on the premise of "tough love" - and they fall on different spots along that spectrum, from the kinder to the more... arrogant, shall we say. Unfortunately, sometimes, and for some people, brutal honesty turns out to be as much or more about the brutality than about the honesty. And yes, if it's working for you, then ride that bronco, and I'll be cheering for you to succeed. Good luck and best wishes...
depplover_1980 Posted February 22, 2011 Posted February 22, 2011 Trimmer, you are absolutely right, and I am adult enough to admit it. I did come back here angry, probably because I left angry. I allowed one person on here who made absolute statements to put me off from the entire website, and for that, I do apologize. I won't deny that I am an emotional person, and sometimes, overly dramatic. It's part of who I am, and because of that, sometimes I go overboard. I did receive a lot of support here, and I was remiss in not giving those people their due praise. 9lives was one...she gave me a lot of support, and I feel badly now for the "broad brush". Therefore, I will revise my original premise: I was at a very sensitive point in my life because I felt I had lost something very, very important to me. I took the statement of one insensitive person too seriously, and as a result, I viewed the entire forum and all it's members in an overly negative light. I sincerely apologize for that. However, I will not apologize to those who have, on this very thread, been extremely pessimistic about mine and his chance of finding true happiness. No one has the power to predict the future, and as the saying goes, the path of true love is never smooth. And frankly, having been in a 15 year relationship with a man who was boring as hell, I don't want smooth anymore, lol...I like the drama and the highs and the lows. And if it works for me, who is to say it is wrong? Thank you for your post, it was very, very insightful. I sense you are kidding yourself about how happy you really are in this relationship. There is air of smugness to your posts that rings untrue. If I am wrong I apologise and i've I'm right you won't admit it anyway. Does your other half take medication for his bi-polar?
WTRanger Posted February 22, 2011 Posted February 22, 2011 (edited) The only true definition of insanity is trying the same thing over and over again, yet expecting different results. The history between the two of you points to the fact that this 6th chance carries an extremely high risk of being doomed to repeat itself. You can't deny that, though I get a sense that you are. I don't need a crystal ball, all I need to do is re-read your posts. If this was your 1st 2nd chance, then I'd tend to agree with you on people not being able to predict the future. But this isn't the first time, and it won't be the last. Time and time again he's left you. What makes this time so different? I wish you luck and happiness. But all I know is if someone dumped me over and over, I wouldn't give them a 6th chance. If they were bi-polar, they'd need meds and to stay on meds. That's not a valid excuse for on/off again behavior in this day and age where they've got a pill or support groups for everything. He can get help and not be like this. Yes, boring is bad in a long term relationship. But so is daily drama. So is guessing time after time if your SO is just going to leave you for the umpteenth time. Yes love is a bumpy road and it does have obstacles for both people to overcome. But your road doesn't have bumps, it has vertical mountains. Your obstacles are death traps. According to you, you've now swung to the other extreme in a relationship. You went from dull to volatile, cold to red hot, soft and squishy to rigidly erect. The reason you may be getting "negative" response to this is a lot of us on this board in particular have realized that our worth in this life isn't tied to one person. We don't need to be treated like crap by someone. We've left the high-drama for the days of yore in Junior High School. Even if we really love the other person. If they don't treat us they way we need to be treated, then we're out the door. You can't be a doormat and call it love because you are just fooling yourself. Edited February 22, 2011 by WTRanger
Wings Of Love Posted February 22, 2011 Posted February 22, 2011 Congratulations, I'm truly pleased for you. I find it quite strange that the way you described your feelings about staying in his life are exactly the same as how I feel about my own ex. Even now, two years on, I feel I really should be part of his life because I don't feel that chapter has come to the right conclusion yet. However, I have removed myself from his life due to the fact that I'm not very strong emotionally and I couldn't handle the pain of seeing him with so many other women. And the additional pain I felt on his behalf when they left him was almost as bad. I am very glad things worked out for you. As foolish as I may sound, I do have some hope that things will play out that way for me as well, but I won't let my life revolve around that. I hope things stay wonderful for the two of you, best wishes.
Mcnulty Posted February 22, 2011 Posted February 22, 2011 I can totally understand your opinions and I can also totally understand the other members opinions. You seem like you're putting your life into this 6th go...go for it, that's what I say. Everyone's different, me, I would have walked away long ago, as I did with the only woman I loved 18 months ago. Like I said, you're either brave or something else....only you know that. Self respect and knowing that we're worth something to someone else. that's what we all strive for...I have that, in spite of letting her go, I wouldn't have that if I was with her. Cloud 9 for you, stormy seas and occasional sun shot clouds is what the rest of us on this post seem to see. Good luck and I mean that.
usagi Posted February 23, 2011 Posted February 23, 2011 ...and call them weak-minded, but, I guess that's just me. Originally Posted by Don_Ho ...the truth is you're too emotionally weak Seems to me that Don-Ho merely posted that you were 'Emotionally Weak' and did not say you were 'Weak Minded' to which I would argue there is an important distinction. You also appear to admit/acknowledge your 'Emotional Weakness' in the statement below. Therefore, I will revise my original premise: I was at a very sensitive point in my life because I felt I had lost something very, very important to me... You had just suffered a break up, I'd imagine that would make anyone 'Emotionally Weak'. I don't construe any attack in his statement.
Eeyore79 Posted February 23, 2011 Posted February 23, 2011 I still believe that NC would have been the best course of action for you. Perhaps then you would have had time to re-evaluate why you're so interested in a man who is clearly a poor choice of partner, given that he's bi-polar, on medication, and has already dumped you five times. You might have had the opportunity to meet a decent man and have a healthy relationship, instead of getting sucked back in by your ex in preparation to receive more of his abuse. I wish you the best of luck, and I truly hope that your relationship works out for you, but given this man's track record I fear it won't. If he does dump you again, I hope you will give some serious consideration to the prospect of breaking free of him and finding a healthy relationship with a mentally stable person.
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