Silvaria Posted February 21, 2011 Posted February 21, 2011 Hello again. I was posting here back in September, a month after my boyfriend dumped me. I was choosing to stay friends with him, because I knew in my heart that it was the only way to stay in his life and let him know that when he was ready, I would be there. Well, the abuse I received from the members of this forum was disgusting. I was called a fool and a pussy by a poster named Don Ho, and others mocked me endlessly, saying I was weak and NC NC NC!!! NOTHING BUT NC!!! I even mentioned that NC simply isn't for everyone, all the time...I was actually told by several posters that yes, it WAS, it was non-negotiable for ALL breakups, and that I was NOT in that minority for whom it simply wouldn't work. Nothing against the moderators, but the level of support and tolerance I received here was incredibly sub-par. And so, I left, finding great support on another site that I won't mention. Anyhow...my update is that 6 1/2 months after our breakup, and staying friends for all that time, we are back together, and happier than ever. We have acknowledged the mistakes that were made, and we are committed to working together as a team to make sure we do things "right" this time. So to those of you who close-mindedly advocate NC all the time, no exceptions...I'm sorry, but all due respect, you are simply WRONG. EVERY situation is different, period. Human emotions are too widely varied for there to be ONE solution for everything. I stayed in his life because I knew him, and I knew what would work for me eventually...and it DID work. I don't know if Don Ho is still around this site, but if you are...well, guess what? You were WRONG. I WAS in that minority for whom it wouldn't have worked to simply disappear from his life, and the fact that HE came back to ME is proof. Sorry if this seems angry, but I came to this site to get support, and instead, I got slammed just for being "different". Not fun when you're already at a massively low point in your life. Happy and back with the love of her life, Silvaria
Author Silvaria Posted February 21, 2011 Author Posted February 21, 2011 Thank you, both. It was a rough road getting here...and there were times when I gave up, mentally...but in the back of my mind, I knew our story wasn't over yet, because he was simply showing too much emotion towards me for someone who supposedly "didn't care". Overall, I have to admit, most people here were great..there were just a few who were bitter and angry, and wanted to spread their misery to everyone else. And to be honest, my situation was unique...being friends will NOT work for everyone. There was a point, in fact, where I thought maybe everyone was right, and it only helped him get over me while it kept me hanging on...but like a lot of men, he is adept at hiding his true feelings, and pretended he didn't care when in fact, he did. So I'm not going to sit here and act like this method would work for all breakups, because in reality, I AM in the minority...but when I was told that NO, I was NOT going to be one of the few for whom staying friends worked, I knew I had to move on and find a different website. Anyhow, thanks again, I am happy beyond words, I actually cried tears of joy today...this is my dream come true, and I'm sincerely basking in the glow.
fiat500 Posted February 21, 2011 Posted February 21, 2011 please post your story in the second chances forum so everyone can read and have a warm fuzzy feeling
Author Silvaria Posted February 21, 2011 Author Posted February 21, 2011 Heh, OK...I will do that, thank you for the suggestion.
fiat500 Posted February 21, 2011 Posted February 21, 2011 Thank you, both. It was a rough road getting here...and there were times when I gave up, mentally...but in the back of my mind, I knew our story wasn't over yet, because he was simply showing too much emotion towards me for someone who supposedly "didn't care". Overall, I have to admit, most people here were great..there were just a few who were bitter and angry, and wanted to spread their misery to everyone else. And to be honest, my situation was unique...being friends will NOT work for everyone. There was a point, in fact, where I thought maybe everyone was right, and it only helped him get over me while it kept me hanging on...but like a lot of men, he is adept at hiding his true feelings, and pretended he didn't care when in fact, he did. So I'm not going to sit here and act like this method would work for all breakups, because in reality, I AM in the minority...but when I was told that NO, I was NOT going to be one of the few for whom staying friends worked, I knew I had to move on and find a different website. Anyhow, thanks again, I am happy beyond words, I actually cried tears of joy today...this is my dream come true, and I'm sincerely basking in the glow. you're right. NC doesn't work for everyone. question. did he stay single the whole time he was broken up with you or did he start dating other people?
0hpenelope Posted February 21, 2011 Posted February 21, 2011 (edited) Silvaria, thank you for coming back to share with us your experiences. NC is definitely not for everyone and you determine which course you'll take. I'm a staunch advocate of NC (it's the option that makes sense for a lot of cases here, unfortunately) but I believe that all dumpees need to find the correct recourse for themselves. We need more positive stories on this board and I hope your reconciliation is one that will stick! A sincere good luck in your new relationship with your S.O. Edited February 21, 2011 by 0hpenelope
Author Silvaria Posted February 21, 2011 Author Posted February 21, 2011 He dated several others, but he is bipolar and moody as hell, and they all left him eventually. I don't mean to toot my own horn, but I am a very mature, compassionate, and caring person...and I love this man in a way I never thought possible with another human being. He finally realized exactly what I hoped, which is that it is a rare occasion in life to find someone who loves and accepts and forgives you unconditionally, the way I do with him, and he finally realized he wanted and needed that in his life. Don't get me wrong...I didn't exactly sit around and pine away for him, either. I dated a few others...but none of them gave me butterflies the way he still does, even after knowing each other for 2 years now. I guess this is a true case of where persistence and patience pays off. As I said, I would not advocate this for everyone...but every situation is different, and in hindsight, I feel sorry for the people who tried to tell me that there were NO exceptions to the rule, period. There are always exceptions, to every rule.
Author Silvaria Posted February 21, 2011 Author Posted February 21, 2011 Thank you, 0hpenelope. In a lot of cases, I also advocate NC. It is a fantastic healing tool. I am just trying to help people understand that every situation is different, and some of us know in our hearts that it is not the best course of action. Did I take a chance? Hell, yes. But what did I have to lose? I already didn't have him, and so, I couldn't lose what I already didn't have.
flow15 Posted February 21, 2011 Posted February 21, 2011 I think the point of NC is to not hold out hope that your ex will come back to you, and to help you heal... If you remain in contact with your ex it won't help you to move on and you will always be hoping he/she will come back to you. When my ex broke up with me last year, we remained in contact and I remained patient for 3 months and he came back to me. But do you know what? he broke up with me again after 2 weeks! This time I have cut contact because at least now I'm not holding out hope and if my ex wants to come back he will. Please be careful Silvaria... how long has it been since you've got back together? If he broke up with you before, he will probably do it again. My ex broke up with me 4 times! And if he came back again, if I was to take him back which I doubt I would now.. I couldn't trust that he would leave again. So what I'm saying is, don't get too excited... cos he may change his mind again, and leave you even more heart broken than before.
Miss_G Posted February 21, 2011 Posted February 21, 2011 I'm so glad to read your posts. I'd love your opinion, seeing as I do simply get the 'NC' comments. My ex and I split 6 months ago although we have never fully SPLIT. We had LC (because of our child) for the first few weeks, then we started 'dating again' to work on things. Other factors caused tension and things seemed to fizzle out. We had a period of LC again and then, whilst sorting out visitation for him and his family (I don't get on well this his family, they have treated me very badly so, until air in cleared, they haven't been seeing baby and have made no effort to patch things up), ex and I have been going out with baby so he can still see him. At first things were awkward but then they became very happy, fun and friendly. He openly said that he couldn't handle a relationship 'at this moment' in time and didn't want to just not date me but didn't want to date anyone. He said he wanted us to remain friends. He said that he still cares and loves me and sometimes gets those 'in love' feelings as well. He has discussed recently how his parents would accept me back in a relationship with him even after all that we have been through and said only a couple of days ago that he 'doesn't know what he wants and he's still hurting'. He says he's still attracted to me and only yesterday started the sexy-flirting game. I asked him not to unless there was substance (ie, wanting to try again). He carried on, getting my hopes up until I asked if we slept together would he turn around and say he wanted to be 'friends'. He said yes, he probably would just say he wanted to be just friends still. This hurt me badly and I came on here desperate. I was hit with the 'NC NC NC' (everyone has been very friendly though, nothing particularly rude) but I am feeling like I can't cope with him not in my life. BUT I feel he is getting comfortable knowing I am still there for him whenever. He's even said that after visitation returns to his parents and these meetings become void, he'd still like to go out as a family. I don't know what to do and as someone who has had this work out well, could you please advise from your own knowledge? I'm heartbroken
Mcnulty Posted February 21, 2011 Posted February 21, 2011 Firstly the post title.."you guys were wrong". Not true as the people who advise no contact advise it as a tool to try to help the person again their self respect and functioning life in time...it just so happens this one time keeping in contact eventually got them back together...doesn't mean the people were "wrong". Miss _G. It sounds like he is maybe thinking about what to do re the relationship, maybe asking him outright for a bit of clarity? Could you do that? it seems like the contact you have is hurting you badly at times as you said. How long could you wait foe him, without it affecting your mental health even more than it does right now?
Miss_G Posted February 21, 2011 Posted February 21, 2011 Well, when I confront him he is very uncertain. I wonder whether this is because he IS or because he is 'scared I won't let him see child' (I never would, I wouldn't do that to my son! And his dad said this when I had arguement with him, that the only reason ex is nice is to see baby! Ex denied this profusely and said he was out of order and that ex has thought about getting back together). He says he wants to be my friend and whenever I say little thing like the other day we were joking about me being a bit stupid (I do do some stupid things!!) I said "I'll just walk off a cliff, make things easier!" laughingly. He went serious and said "Don't ever say that!" There have been other occasions where he has shown this concern for me. I would love to stay friends with him if I thought we would be together again. I just feel that the 'friends' line has been crossed as his desire to be intimate just makes me feels that he is beyond the friend stage. Friends with benefits he seems to be gunning for. Remember though, I am the mother of his child! We were best friends though, before we got together. The road we went on was very like this. On/off, dating others, snogging/not snogging. Just lots of things. We've been through so much it seems so wrong to end over something so stupid when there is a baby involved. I thought we were meant to be!!
Author Silvaria Posted February 21, 2011 Author Posted February 21, 2011 Hey, everyone, on my way to work, it's going to be an insanely busy day but it's money in the bank. Just wanted to stop in and reply real quick. Yes, he has broken up with me multiple times, and I realize I am taking a chance here...but I am willing to try. I am cautious, though...and I honestly appreciate your concern. McNulty, the title is quite apt. I came to this site merely looking for support, not direct orders on how to proceed. I wasn't ready to move on at that time, but they didn't care. To them EVERYONE SHOULD GO NC AFTER A BREAK-UP, PERIOD. And when I disagreed, even politely, I was attacked personally and called names. They were wrong because NC was not for me, NC is for people who need to move on. I wanted to get him back, and did what I thought would work, and guess what? It did. So simply put, they were wrong for what how they attacked me, and for trying to give me orders on what I should do in MY life. Miss_G, I am so sorry you're hurting...I'll have to write you more later, but hang in there...everything always gets better in time. *Hug* Anyhow, gotta run, thanks again for all the kind replies, ttygl.
Username37 Posted February 21, 2011 Posted February 21, 2011 I agree. Some posters here are total *******s. But **** them. You got what they don't have
GreenPolicy Posted February 21, 2011 Posted February 21, 2011 Yes, he has broken up with me multiple times, and I realize I am taking a chance here...he is bipolar and moody as hell Good luck OP. I am happy you are getting your second chance. I will say, however, that this thread is short-sighted and self-congratulatory in a way that is not helpful to most of the dumpees here. For the overwhelming majority of dumpees, there is no hope, and it is holding yourself back to pretend that there is. Your original post is like when somebody says that Bill Gates, Mark Zuckerberg and Michael Dell didn't graduate from college, so why should they get a degree? In my case, I reached out to my dumper twice after the breakup and was met with silence. Should I have continued to contact her and make a pest of myself and drive her even further away? Should I have been a sucker for continual rejection? If I had only made the offer to "stay friends," would I be back together with her today? I don't think so. Every relationship is different, and everybody is different. In your case, you say your bf has broken up with you multiple times, and you are now in the "on" phase again in on again/off again romance. I sincerely wish you well and hope you guys stay together for good and get out of this cycle. But your experience does not invalidate the wisdom and purpose of NC. The purpose of NC is for the dumpee to heal and not dig the hole any deeper by engaging in begging, pleading and groveling, or getting hateful or hostile with the dumper. A dumpee fresh from a breakup is not emotionally in a very good place. I would guess that ninety percent of broken relationships don't get rekindled. In any event, NC does not drive dumpers away. You are giving the dumper what they asked for and giving them the opportunity to see if life without their dumpee is what they really want. I would be willing to bet that in the relationships that get rekindled successfully, the dumpee is not hanging around pestering the dumper or allowing themselves to be used as an emotional tampon through friendship.
SilverLining Posted February 21, 2011 Posted February 21, 2011 I agree with GreenPolicy. According to your own words, there is nothing and I mean NOTHING, to prevent this from happening again. And I say that as someone who spent 6 years in an off and on again relationship. I wish to God I would have gone NC and not gotten back together with him so often. I really hope it works out for you, but you need to know that if it does, you are in the overwhelming minority. Your post about how not everyone needs to go NC is going to hurt people who will continue to contact their ex, make fools out of themselves, and continue in a depression that is based upon their seeming rejection from someone they loved, who no longer wants them. If your sig other breaks up with you, that means that they thought about it and wanted to do it enough that they took the harder road of hurting someone. If you have ever dumped anyone before you know it's not easy. Sounds to me like this guy dated a few people, didn't like what he saw or wasn't able to find someone good, and so he defected back to you because it was easy and he was lonely. That doesn't mean that you guys will work out. That's not a great basis for a relationship. I get that he is moody and difficult to be with, and perhaps this whole experience will motivate him to change somewhat or appreciate what he has, but if he wasn't changing or appreciating before, I forecast another post from you about how you were dumped once again. I sincerely hope that I am wrong.
Call Me Al Posted February 21, 2011 Posted February 21, 2011 Grass Is Greener Syndrome. Now, whos to say maybe your relationship will work out this time and everything will be for the best. If so, congratulations. However, you seem to be throwing caution to the wind. If you're emotionally prepared for the idea that it may not work again, then by all means why not give it a try? Best of luck.
D78 Posted February 21, 2011 Posted February 21, 2011 ... I came to this site merely looking for support, not direct orders on how to proceed. I wasn't ready to move on at that time, but they didn't care. To them EVERYONE SHOULD GO NC AFTER A BREAK-UP, PERIOD. And when I disagreed, even politely, I was attacked personally and called names. They were wrong because NC was not for me, NC is for people who need to move on... You do realize that all of your posts are still here on LS, right? Your statement that you were personally attacked and called names does not appear to be true (unless you include you calling yourself a pussy, pathetic, needy, clingy, etc.). Admitted - I didn't read every post, but I think I read enough to get the idea of how you view the world. So, you never got over being dumped for the 5th time by your bi-polar LD MMORPG boyfriend. NC would have allowed you to heal, grow stronger, learn how to not be needy, etc. But, you're right, NC is not required. You can always take the exact same problems into the 6th round with your LD MMORPG BF, do the same thing again, and get dumped for a 6th time. The fact that you're entering round 6 with the exact same problems, after he dumped you and dated several other women, is not something I think you should be at all proud of. I think the LS folks who struggle each day to heal, learn, grow, get over their exs, etc. have so much more to brag about, because their next relationships will be better (i.e. not round 6). You're essentially bragging about this amazing shortcut you discovered, which will lead you directly off the same cliff you've already driven off of 5 times. You can construe this as a "personal attack" if that makes you feel better, but this is where I'm coming from: I'm just now figuring out what kind of issues my breakup has left me with, and learning how those issues can get in the way of new relationships. I can't imagine not having this time to process these lessons, learn from my mistakes, and heal. That is what NC is for.
depplover_1980 Posted February 21, 2011 Posted February 21, 2011 I've only been on this forum since this year but I cannot imagine it has changed that much - where are all these bullying posters now? This is a very friendly and supportive forum, especially compared to the other one I frequent. Your opening post on this thread comes across with pure arogance; I would suggest if that was your tone before, then it had more to do with your attitude than your no contact issue...
rajcs25 Posted February 21, 2011 Posted February 21, 2011 Hi Silvaria I agree with you. Most of the people here in this forum say NC. And I would say dont blame this forum. Blame the world in general. Thats how all the people in the world are. This advice should be given to not only people in this forum, every human being in the world who is in favor of NC. In my opinion NC is ridiculous. My Girlfriend broke with me last month after 6 months of relationship saying, If i cant marry soon, than she will leave. I told her lets not do NC. I told her lets be friends. She was for 10 days and than someone in the world including her parents or whoever might have told her NC, or she must have thought on her own NC and now since last 21 days we have NC. I asked members in this forum that can i break NC for Valentine's Day, they advised me not. I know we cant be romantic because we are confused as to be with each other rest of our lives or not, but if she does not have anyone else in her life, what's wrong in me taking her to a nice restaurant on Valentine's day. But people in world say NC. I hate this NC. Now even when i call her, she wont return my phone call. And this is not the first time. I already had breakup in past where girl initiated NC influenced by her parents. Today just before coming to this forum the whole day i was feeling so down. I hate this NC.. Hello again. I was posting here back in September, a month after my boyfriend dumped me. I was choosing to stay friends with him, because I knew in my heart that it was the only way to stay in his life and let him know that when he was ready, I would be there. Well, the abuse I received from the members of this forum was disgusting. I was called a fool and a pussy by a poster named Don Ho, and others mocked me endlessly, saying I was weak and NC NC NC!!! NOTHING BUT NC!!! I even mentioned that NC simply isn't for everyone, all the time...I was actually told by several posters that yes, it WAS, it was non-negotiable for ALL breakups, and that I was NOT in that minority for whom it simply wouldn't work. Nothing against the moderators, but the level of support and tolerance I received here was incredibly sub-par. And so, I left, finding great support on another site that I won't mention. Anyhow...my update is that 6 1/2 months after our breakup, and staying friends for all that time, we are back together, and happier than ever. We have acknowledged the mistakes that were made, and we are committed to working together as a team to make sure we do things "right" this time. So to those of you who close-mindedly advocate NC all the time, no exceptions...I'm sorry, but all due respect, you are simply WRONG. EVERY situation is different, period. Human emotions are too widely varied for there to be ONE solution for everything. I stayed in his life because I knew him, and I knew what would work for me eventually...and it DID work. I don't know if Don Ho is still around this site, but if you are...well, guess what? You were WRONG. I WAS in that minority for whom it wouldn't have worked to simply disappear from his life, and the fact that HE came back to ME is proof. Sorry if this seems angry, but I came to this site to get support, and instead, I got slammed just for being "different". Not fun when you're already at a massively low point in your life. Happy and back with the love of her life, Silvaria
fetish Posted February 21, 2011 Posted February 21, 2011 all i got to say Silvaria is that i hope you know what you're doing. I just got out of a long term relationship for 8 years. We broke up once before for about a week and decided to work it out after i fell for responding to one of her breadcrumb text messages. She's sent me some breadcrumbs in our most recent broke up but I'm not sure if i want to go back to her insensitive, controlling, and emotionally abusive behavior. I think my recent ex is bipolar.She blows up too much every time i have an issue with her and seems to have a problem talking things out. She either storms out of the house in the middle of a disagreement, tunes me out, or threatens a break up. I warned her to stop threatening me. She finally stormed out last week for the last time. Now, I'm just trusting God on this one. Right now, things have parralleled themselves to where we're not supposed to be together and I'm going through the pain of trying to accept that. I feel lonely everyday but I need time to get to re-identify with myself and what I want now. I'd much rather go through the pain of losing her now and come out better and grow as a person rather than try to stay with this person and her causing me lifelong pain. Life is too short! As for you, I'm happy for you if this is what you want for yourself. However, I agree with the person that you shouldn't get too happy and throw caution out of the window. You're only delaying the pain, especially if this has happened several times before. Sorry to say but you're just giving them permission to walk all over you again. How old are you if you don't mind my asking?
ccfan Posted February 21, 2011 Posted February 21, 2011 (edited) GreenPolicy you beat me to it! ... i was just thinking someting similar: like saying that everyone was wrong for telling me that it was a bad idea to go with one´s life savings to gamble in Vegas, when I tripled what it was brought to the table.. and since it´s going so well the plan is to stay in Vegas as long as possible making more and more money... Well No one was wrong in advising against it, it´s total common sense and the fact that for some reason did go well doesn´t mean it was a good idea in the first place... oh , and since i´m using the casino analogy.. it´s extremely likely that the casino will take all that money back plus some more in a very short time....leaving you broke. Silvaria: What everyone, myself included, is trying to say is that it´s great that you got back with your ex and we all sincerely hope it´s for good this time, but unfortunatelly the evidence and history is giving a very clear pattern of were things will end, I seriously don´t think anyone last year was trying to be mean with you. They were probably frustrated to see you make a bad decision. Also I don´t think it´s ok that you are so cool with the fact that he dated several girls in between, this guy is putting as many red flags on your face as it´s humanly possible and you are choosing to ignore them. Please be careful in this 6th round as D78 said as it looks like the pattern will happen again. I´d be really happy if everything i say here it´s wrong and you end up living a happy life with your SO.... i wish you the very best from my heart, i mean it. Edited February 21, 2011 by ccfan
Mcnulty Posted February 22, 2011 Posted February 22, 2011 Silvaria, Your title could have been more tactful and retrospective I think.Are you correct in saying people were personally attacking you and calling you names? Were they wrong in their words? They posted what they thought, I'm sure were words of advice, not orders. I've read a lot of posts and the people on here in the majority are fantastic and wise. The biggest red flag for me is something someone else touched on, advocating ignoring NC and going for the reunion thing...this will never happen for most people and it will cause heartache and humiliation...it could be very damaging to a lot of people. It's down to the individuals relationship, yes, but self preservation is paramount....will you protect yourself from future heartache with a guy who seems to have massive issues? You are a brave lady, who is taking on a Vegas size gamble...lotsa luck.
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