universalchiro Posted February 21, 2011 Posted February 21, 2011 Ok so this is my 1st time posting on this website and I think that you guys, and girls, could really help me out. Ok so here we go: My girlfriend of 7 months just broke up with me over the phone the night before i was coming to see her for valentines day weekend. We had had a 45 minute amazing conversation prior to the breakup. It happened as we said good night to each other and i said I loved her and she didnt say it back. In a nutshell I asked why, she said she thinks I say it maybe too much to which I replied well if you said it to me and I didnt say it back wouldnt that hurt you. Of course she said it would and I said well then why did you do it. This proceeded into a cascade of I dont know if Im in love with you anymore and I dont know why type of answers. I actually still drove the 5 hours to upstate NY to get some real person to person answers and try to get to the bottom of things. I didnt really get any answers other than I dont think im in love with you anymore and things just arent the same. Now this was a real crusher cus we both have openly professed how incredible we are together and how much we love each other all the time, we also have never had a fight and I really felt like we have been on fire together the whole time. Just weeks before she had stated that i was the most amazing man she had ever met and i was what she had been waiting for her whole life. To make things even crazier I said well lets use this weekend to prove that we are still incredible together and take it form there. We proceeded to have an amazing time with me relapsing into sorrow for 5-10 mins only 2 times over the next 3.5 days. We also got down and dirty more than a few times and I had her laughing etc like everything was ok. I left her on monday saying the ball is now in your court and i want you to call me when youre ready to figure out how we should continue. 2 days later she called and said her feeling havent changed and that she does not want to pursue the relationship further. I am literally beyond heart broken as this was the prettiest smartest most open and legitimate girl i have ever even dreamed of. I love her a ton still. All i want is to patch this up and get back to being with my baby doll. Any advice on how to get a LD relationship back together and girls any insight on this literal after the best 6 months ever, it only takes a week to have a literal complete change of heart. Having trouble sleeping and functioning. I am 28 and she is 26. Also her birthday is in 2 weeks. It has been 5 days no contact. Should I call her on her bday? I appreciate any help that is out there.
Mixed28 Posted February 21, 2011 Posted February 21, 2011 I am so sorry for your loss. I have been there and it sucks beyond words. I lost my dream girl and 2 months after our break up she was with another guy. I was so in love with her however after time passed I realized something. You want someone who is head over heels for you as you are for them. You don't want someone who doesn't want you that is not true love. I love my ex girlfriend and hope she is happy if you love her truely then you will hope she is happy as well with or without you. The best thing to do is walk away from the situation you do not want to push her away its best to walk away DO NOT contact her on her birthday. I know its hard but in time the urge to text her or message her will fade trust me. I suggest you make goals to speed up the healing process I focused on getting buff and have been making progress just keep your mind busy ok.
GreenPolicy Posted February 21, 2011 Posted February 21, 2011 I have endured a similar situation with my ex. You have to go NC. DO NOT contact her on her birthday.
GreenPolicy Posted February 21, 2011 Posted February 21, 2011 OP, Getting back together is solely in the hands of your ex at this point. There is nothing you can do to get her back. You can only do things to push her away even further. Keep in mind, even if you did get her back, you'd never have peace of mind. You'd be wondering if she would leave again. Due to the LD thing, there might be a third party involved that lives in her town. I don't want to plant thoughts in your head, but it's something to consider. In any event, right now you need to take care of yourself first. Exercise regularly, get plenty of sleep, dont neglect your diet, seek out your friends and family for support, but be advised that after a month or so they will get burned out hearing about your b/u. If you're religious, start going to church. If not, find a 12-step program or a therapist. Some people are cowards when it comes to love. They feel themselves binding to another person, it freaks them out, and so they bail. If you treated your girl well, she made you happy, and she never came to you and expressed any problems with you or the r/l, then there's nothing you could have done differently, so don't beat yourself up with the What If game. When a woman drops the kind of BS on you like she did, it really is them and not you, and there's nothing you could have done better or differently.
timchambo Posted February 21, 2011 Posted February 21, 2011 I have to agree there may be another guy in the picture somewhere. I'm sure I am biased since that is what I am going through right now too. 7 years here, just be glad you didn't your entire youth on this girl like I did. Spend time with your friends and family. My friends were a big part of my healing. Some have been burnt out on the topic, others seem to actually enjoy discussing it (maybe they see it helps me to talk about it). There is not much you can do, beyond what you have already tried, to get her back. How did you guys meet? Maybe in the future you will cross paths again and who knows.
GreenPolicy Posted February 21, 2011 Posted February 21, 2011 I have to agree there may be another guy in the picture somewhere. I'm sure I am biased since that is what I am going through right now too. 7 years here, just be glad you didn't your entire youth on this girl like I did. Spend time with your friends and family. My friends were a big part of my healing. Some have been burnt out on the topic, others seem to actually enjoy discussing it (maybe they see it helps me to talk about it). There is not much you can do, beyond what you have already tried, to get her back. How did you guys meet? Maybe in the future you will cross paths again and who knows. The only thing that makes me think other guy is the fact that this is a LDR and this appears to have come out of the blue.
Author universalchiro Posted February 21, 2011 Author Posted February 21, 2011 Man, it is really hard to hear some of these replies. I thought that maybe there would be a general concensus to ok the very brief contact on her birthday, i was thinking just a simple text and then maybe a call up to see how she was doing and if she wanted to mabe get up for a day or two 2 weeks afterwards. I am def excercising and trying to better my career as we speak. that does seem to help but i am def still hurting bad. This girl is very pure and honest as far as I am concerned and she swears up and down that there is not another guy involved and that she would definitely tell me if there was. I do believe her in this respect. I am so confused and hurting as to why this happened to me/us. Seriously guys we had everything firing on all cylinders and then poof! I feel like mabe she is getting cold feet. We met at chiropractic college and started getting heavy 3 weeks before i graduated. She still has a year and a half. It just doesnt make any sense. i am a doctor/jazz musician/ the former love of her life that blew up her world. There is also the fact that I am her longest relationship, which is wierd for a 27 yo. She states that all her previous encounters with men were for 2-3 months at most and were more or less awful experiences. I gave her everything and this is what i get. Maybe its because when she opened up to me I opened up right back and possibly threw "the challenge" of winning me over right out the door. I dont know? Any more input would be great and I appreciate more than you could imagine the feedback and response. Thanks soo much hope to hear more opinions.
GreenPolicy Posted February 21, 2011 Posted February 21, 2011 Man, it is really hard to hear some of these replies. I thought that maybe there would be a general concensus to ok the very brief contact on her birthday, i was thinking just a simple text and then maybe a call up to see how she was doing and if she wanted to mabe get up for a day or two 2 weeks afterwards. No, this is doormat behavior. If she wanted to celebrate her birthday with you, then she wouldn't have dumped you. You have to force her to live with her decision. She may never come back, but you lower your value every time you contact her before she contacts you. She may also send you "breadcrumbs" in the form of "How are you doing?" texts, etc. Ignore anything that doesn't address reconciliation. that does seem to help but i am def still hurting bad. That's normal. It will take a few months for you to get through this separation trauma and for the emotional upheaval to settle down. This girl is very pure and honest as far as I am concerned and she swears up and down that there is not another guy involved and that she would definitely tell me if there was. I do believe her in this respect. She probably didn't cheat on you, but she also wouldn't tell you the truth if there was another guy involved. Dumpers are never entirely 100 percent honest. They either lie outright or omit critical info. My ex told me she contemplated and made her decision to dump me within one week. In reality, she contemplated her decision probably anywhere from 3-6 weeks. I am so confused and hurting as to why this happened to me/us. Seriously guys we had everything firing on all cylinders and then poof! I feel like mabe she is getting cold feet. We met at chiropractic college and started getting heavy 3 weeks before i graduated. She still has a year and a half. It just doesnt make any sense. i am a doctor/jazz musician/ the former love of her life that blew up her world. There is also the fact that I am her longest relationship, which is wierd for a 27 yo. She states that all her previous encounters with men were for 2-3 months at most and were more or less awful experiences. I gave her everything and this is what i get. Maybe its because when she opened up to me I opened up right back and possibly threw "the challenge" of winning me over right out the door. I dont know? Any more input would be great and I appreciate more than you could imagine the feedback and response. Thanks soo much hope to hear more opinions. Your ex has issues with commitment and intimacy. There's nothing you can do about that. It may be due to issues with her childhood, her romantic history, or it could simply be something innate in her makeup/personality that has nothing to do with her life experiences. Click on my name and go to my user profile and read up on my story. I'm in the same boat as you are in regards to our exes. The fact that she has a history of painful short-term relationships is a big red flag. Even with you she chose a mate with built-in distance due to the geography factor. Your ex is a commitment phobe and appears to have severe intimacy avoidance issues. CPs seek out the sweetness of relationships and then trash them when they feel themselves getting too close to their partner, or their partner wants to take the relationship to the next level and deepen the commitment. When they feel themselves getting too close, either physically or emotionally, it scares them and so they shut down their feelings, deny the connection they have previously felt and bail. Just know that this had nothing to do with you, it's not your fault. It had everything to do with her and her issues. Some people just don't have it within them to accept and give back love. When it is required in a relationship for them to do so, they struggle, fold and then end up hurting their partner. This is not what you want to hear, but the chances of reconciliation here are slim to none. She has to be willing to recognize and address her issues, and it doesn't sound like she's going to break the cycle anytime soon. I know this woman and the relationship felt wonderful to you, but you are soon going to wake up to the fact that a future with this woman was never possible. She will go through life hurting people and unfortunately you are one of the people that she stung. It feels like you went to a play with a fantastic first act, and then after the intermission it is announced that the second and third acts have been cancelled and that's the end of the show. You are sitting in the theater reeling from such an unexpected and abrupt ending. What may help you to get through your grief is the fact that you probably already got the best that this woman has to offer in a relationship. CPs always come on strong and then bail when the relationship starts to get serious or they feel themselves getting too close. Had the relationship continued, it would never have been as good as what came before. I highly recommend checking out the book "He's Scared, She's Scared" http://www.amazon.com/Hes-Scared-Shes-Understanding-Relationships/dp/0440506255 It won't bring her back, but it will give you an understanding of what probably happened so you can get on with the process of healing and moving forward with you life. You deserve a woman who has the courage to love like you do. This woman chose to hurt you rather than face up to her own fears and anxieties. Your ex is a damaged, broken person. Analyzing the situation won't help. There is no logical or rational answer to what she did, so save your mental energy and don't try to search for one. It will not change the outcome in the end. You have a journey of healing ahead of you, but I promise you things will get better. Just stick to NC and avoid any news of her. Take care.
Sugarkane Posted February 21, 2011 Posted February 21, 2011 Hey i'm sorry to hear that this has happened to you. I know how it feels coz this has happened to me twice! Its the worst breakup you can have, so it can't get much worse. Unfortunately you shouldn't be surprised if there's someone else. You should just focus on yourself and leave her alone at this point.
Author universalchiro Posted February 22, 2011 Author Posted February 22, 2011 man, things are still auite hard, very hard to get my ex baby doll out of my head. Been hanging out with friends, attempting to get a better job, setting up gigs etc. but all constantly with her in mind. i know its still fresh, 1 week since NC, but very hard to see myself with any body else or her with any body else. really want to try and get her back, being 5 hours away makes me feel like its just not gonna happen but i have to have faith. thanks again for all the advice keep it comin if u have more
GreenPolicy Posted February 22, 2011 Posted February 22, 2011 man, things are still auite hard, very hard to get my ex baby doll out of my head. Been hanging out with friends, attempting to get a better job, setting up gigs etc. but all constantly with her in mind. i know its still fresh, 1 week since NC, but very hard to see myself with any body else or her with any body else. really want to try and get her back, being 5 hours away makes me feel like its just not gonna happen but i have to have faith. thanks again for all the advice keep it comin if u have more The next 3-6 months are going to be very rough. I'm not going to sugarcoat that for you. You need to know what is ahead of you. You will feel a range of emotions. Right now you are shocked, confused and bewildered. Things were going so well, and then she bailed. You cannot process this. Right now you are bargaining and you hold out hope that she will come back. About six weeks from now, you will start to feel a wrenching sadness when it sinks in that things are over. That will last awhile, and then you will hit anger. You will feel VERY angry at the way she treated you and how she ended things. After anger you will feel a muted form of sadness, more like a frustrated form of sorrow, because you can't wrap your head around her illogical behavior. You can't put yourself in her shoes and understand how she could have done what she did. Your ex is a commitment-phobe, and what she did is commonly called the "push-pull." As the relationship deepens and you intend to pull her in closer, she pushes you away. Some CPs walk out and NEVER come back around. Others might try to rekindle things if you disappear and give them their space. But be advised: even if she's one of the ones that do attempt to come back, things will never be the same between the two of you. You will never feel at peace with her again because you will always be wondering when/if she'll walk out. You'd be walking on eggshells wondering when she's going to bail again. Fear, anxiety and mistrust would now be a component in your relationship in a way that was never there before. Your ex is what is known as a “walk-away spouse.” This occurs when the walk away has serious issues within themselves. This is your Commitment-Phobe, Narcissistic Personality Disorder, Borderline Personality Disorder, Bipolar Personality Disorder, sufferer of clinical depression, a midlife or quarter-life crisis, or a person with severe conflict avoidance or intimacy avoidance issues. There are few, if any, warning signs of what is about to happen, and what signs are there will often be mistaken for ordinary relationship issues. The fallout leaves the other spouse in a state of total shock and wondering what they missed, when in fact they missed nothing because the relationship was actually good. The left spouse will search for closure, they will self blame, they will look for the reason why, when in truth this is all about the walk away’s issues. The chances of reconciliation are slim, unless the walk away addresses their own issues. This may never happen, or if it does it will probably be a very long time in the future when the walk away finally realizes what they have done. At that point it becomes a timing issue: both partners will most likely be involved with other people at that point, and not see the value in rekindling a long-dead relationship.
2011 Posted February 22, 2011 Posted February 22, 2011 Hi Universalchiro Sorry to hear about your break man it is so bad a thing to go through I am about 3 months from last seeing her and a month NC. You spend months literally in this state of shock it is horrible and I am only just coming out of it now, sorry to be saying this but you need to try and get on with YOUR life and know what's ahead. Greenpolicy seems to have nailed it on the head, even with the description it sounded like he was talking about my ex. Even so far as saying: or a person with severe conflict avoidance or intimacy avoidance issues. My ex actually told me she doesn't like conflict or and doesn't talk about anything, even her family said she is like that. About 3 months in I tried to take the dating to the next level as we seemed kina like we were starting to go places, so I thought, and she bailed. She was coming out with all these mixed msgs like I still want to meet you and then avoiding any form of dating or meeting up etc. I told her I wanted to work at it and try and make a go of it but it was like talking to a hollow shell. She didn't want to know all of a sudden. Just stay strong for you at this point and talk to any of us whenever you feel like it for support. 2011
GreenPolicy Posted February 22, 2011 Posted February 22, 2011 Hi Universalchiro Sorry to hear about your break man it is so bad a thing to go through I am about 3 months from last seeing her and a month NC. You spend months literally in this state of shock it is horrible and I am only just coming out of it now, sorry to be saying this but you need to try and get on with YOUR life and know what's ahead. Greenpolicy seems to have nailed it on the head, even with the description it sounded like he was talking about my ex. Even so far as saying: My ex actually told me she doesn't like conflict or and doesn't talk about anything, even her family said she is like that. About 3 months in I tried to take the dating to the next level as we seemed kina like we were starting to go places, so I thought, and she bailed. She was coming out with all these mixed msgs like I still want to meet you and then avoiding any form of dating or meeting up etc. I told her I wanted to work at it and try and make a go of it but it was like talking to a hollow shell. She didn't want to know all of a sudden. Just stay strong for you at this point and talk to any of us whenever you feel like it for support. 2011 Breakups with a CP are the worst kind to go through. Not only do you have the separation trauma that everybody experiences, but you are blindsided, and they leave when things are good, not when the relationship has been steadily going downhill. Most breakup stories on here, people say things like "Yeah, h/she told me that I wasn't doing enough of X/too much of Y" or "things hadn't been great for awhile, but I thought we could work out our problems." The person left behind by the CP is always saying things like "What happened? Things seemed to be going well."
Mixed28 Posted February 22, 2011 Posted February 22, 2011 Breakups with a CP are the worst kind to go through. Not only do you have the separation trauma that everybody experiences, but you are blindsided, and they leave when things are good, not when the relationship has been steadily going downhill. Most breakup stories on here, people say things like "Yeah, h/she told me that I wasn't doing enough of X/too much of Y" or "things hadn't been great for awhile, but I thought we could work out our problems." The person left behind by the CP is always saying things like "What happened? Things seemed to be going well." Whats a CP?
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