Woggle Posted February 26, 2011 Posted February 26, 2011 He is trying to butter you up. Do you think it is so off the wall to think that a man already cheating on his wife would lie to you as well? If you don't stop now this will turn into a full blown affair.
Distant78 Posted February 26, 2011 Posted February 26, 2011 We had a serious conversation and admitted our desires for each other. But we mutually agreed to never physically act on it, admitted our marriages and the friendship that has developed between the two of us is too important to risk it all. I feel happy, relieved, but a little sad. I know it is for the best though. I am hoping this infatuation will gradually fade, the way it gradually developed. He doesn't feel that phone sex is cheating (or even if he does, he isn't against doing it...b/c our discussion led to that)....I know a lot of people disagree; I don't know how I feel about it. I don't necessarily see the harm in a little private excitement between us every couple of weeks or whenever, since we agreed not to act on it physically. No, I wouldn't be happy if my husband was doing this, but then if I didn't know and nothing changed between us, would it really be hurting me? I believe that my friend is adamant about his committment to not cross the physical line. Look you've already crossed the line. You put your marriage down the drain and spat in it. Stop being selfish and tell your H what you've been doing behind his back. Both you and MM need to come clean and stop being selfish.
Distant78 Posted February 26, 2011 Posted February 26, 2011 Why would MM be adamant about saying we should not/will not cross the physical line if he doesn't mean it though? He knows I am attracted to him, all cards are on the table....why would he not just be honest about wanting to literally get together if he'll still do phone stuff? I am not saying I would oblige him, but I am genuinely confused about why he would lie about this. We're both in a bad situation, doing something that is admittedly not right. I feel like we've become friends enough that he wouldn't be dishonest with me about this considering the circumstances. Please stop acting as if you don't know what's going on. You're both cheating. You know he doesn't want to be friends with you. He wants the booty and from what you posted you're ready to give it to him. You gotta stop and tell your H because he doesn't deserve this.
whichwayisup Posted February 26, 2011 Posted February 26, 2011 Why would MM be adamant about saying we should not/will not cross the physical line if he doesn't mean it though? He knows I am attracted to him, all cards are on the table....why would he not just be honest about wanting to literally get together if he'll still do phone stuff? I am not saying I would oblige him, but I am genuinely confused about why he would lie about this. We're both in a bad situation, doing something that is admittedly not right. I feel like we've become friends enough that he wouldn't be dishonest with me about this considering the circumstances. Things change. You two talk sexy talk alot and then are alone... He could change his mind. You could come onto him, or him come onto you and neither of you say NO. It happens, don't fool yourself into thinking it won't. You're playing a dangerous, and selfish game, all on the expense of your husband. If you put that flirtatious energy and sexual fun into your husband into the MM, then this wouldn't be happening. Your judgement is clouded. Part I bolded, re-read that! You both are being dishonest to your own spouses, yet you think this MM will be truthful to you? And you to him? Again is it worth it? WHY are you putting your marriage at risk?? GO on a date with your husband and woo him, not your coworker.
Author MrsJaneDoe Posted February 27, 2011 Author Posted February 27, 2011 You know you need to end it but you are pushing it forward. I am sorry but you are acting like such a sh**** person. Do not do this to your family. You will soon withdraw from them and you are going to neglect your H to the point that it destroys him You have everything.....a family, home, people who love you, and a marriage. You are literally putting everything on the line I cannot believe how selfish, stupid, and trashy some people get just for a little excitement It doesn't even sting when I read your words, b/c I know I can't defend myself and I know what you (and others) are saying is not untrue. I do have flashes of clarity about this, and the guilt that comes with it and I know I am in denial the rest of the time. I didn't come to LS bc I thought I would be popular and complimented. Thank you to everyone for your replies.
Spark1111 Posted February 27, 2011 Posted February 27, 2011 Why would MM be adamant about saying we should not/will not cross the physical line if he doesn't mean it though? He knows I am attracted to him, all cards are on the table....why would he not just be honest about wanting to literally get together if he'll still do phone stuff? I am not saying I would oblige him, but I am genuinely confused about why he would lie about this. We're both in a bad situation, doing something that is admittedly not right. I feel like we've become friends enough that he wouldn't be dishonest with me about this considering the circumstances. Not lying, per se.... Confused, or some men just love the thrill of the chase, the lure of the unknown or the forbidden aspect of it all. It excites them. Look, everytime he talks about what you two will not do, I am sure he is getting a really spicy visual of you two doing exactly that. Every conversation is another justification of why you are not going to do it, while all the more keeping that very topic in the forefront of your mind and his. It is a pretty hot way to fuel the fantasy, don't cha think? Stop it now. He is using the friendship and mutual attraction to keep it all going his way. Stop TALKING about what you two will or will not do. It is still sexual, and it is still wrong, and it is still fueling it forward. Men posting on this board: Is my advice off the mark, especially for a man? Who wants to bet he hangs up with Mrs. Doe, and takes matters....ahem...into hand?
Distant78 Posted February 27, 2011 Posted February 27, 2011 It doesn't even sting when I read your words, b/c I know I can't defend myself and I know what you (and others) are saying is not untrue. I do have flashes of clarity about this, and the guilt that comes with it and I know I am in denial the rest of the time. I didn't come to LS bc I thought I would be popular and complimented. Thank you to everyone for your replies. It's nice that you're not trying to "fight" the advice you're getting but you need to really be nice to your H for a change and tell him what's been really happening behind the closed doors and let him decide if he wants to divorce or reconcile with you. Don't make this any harder by continuing to have contact with that loser. Tell him now so you can get it over with.
Distant78 Posted February 27, 2011 Posted February 27, 2011 Men posting on this board: Is my advice off the mark, especially for a man? You're on target this time, Spark. Who wants to bet he hangs up with Mrs. Doe, and takes matters....ahem...into hand? Don't know, what's the stakes?
whichwayisup Posted February 27, 2011 Posted February 27, 2011 It doesn't even sting when I read your words, b/c I know I can't defend myself and I know what you (and others) are saying is not untrue. I do have flashes of clarity about this, and the guilt that comes with it and I know I am in denial the rest of the time. I didn't come to LS bc I thought I would be popular and complimented. Thank you to everyone for your replies. What does this mean? You're reading our advice but not going to do anything but follow your sexual emotions? Go ahead and continue on the path you're on and then when it's too late, you'll feel bad and feel regret, heartache, guilt for what you're doing to your husband? Wait till he finds out first and then wish you listened to us? OR, are you saying you'll quit what you're doing and detach from your co worker? This isn't personal, I don't know you.. All I'm trying to do is open your eyes so you can see the potiental damage your choices are going to cause.
Woggle Posted February 27, 2011 Posted February 27, 2011 It is good that you are listening to our advice. Stop this before it ends in disaster. If you go any further it will turn into a full blown affair so just cut him off right now.
Distant78 Posted February 27, 2011 Posted February 27, 2011 Lady if you have sex with that married guy, you're in for a lot more trouble than what you're already in.
AbeNormal Posted February 27, 2011 Posted February 27, 2011 (edited) I think a point of confusion for you (or a selective reading on your part) is that you interpreted the advice you were being given (before this latest round) as indicating that ending up in a PA is where things would become inappropriate/bad/cheating. No, that wasn't the point. Your EA was wrong - it was cheating. An EA can most certainly destroy a marriage, and it most certainly is cheating. You just didn't want to hear/process that. The attempt at getting you to wake up seems to just have led you to imagine that it was OK as long as you define a "line not to be crossed" - that line being sex. Amazingly, you then quickly pushed as close as possible to that line by engaging in phone sex (unless you later decide to re-define oral sex as not being sex, in which case you can get "yet closer"...). Plain and simple: YOU ARE CHEATING ON YOUR HUSBAND Edited February 27, 2011 by AbeNormal
Distant78 Posted February 27, 2011 Posted February 27, 2011 I think a point of confusion for you (or a selective reading on your part) is that you interpreted the advice you were being given (before this latest round) as indicating that ending up in a PA is where things would become inappropriate/bad/cheating. No, that wasn't the point. Your EA was wrong - it was cheating. An EA can most certainly destroy a marriage, and it most certainly is cheating. You just didn't want to hear/process that. The attempt at getting you to wake up seems to just have led you to imagine that it was OK as long as you define a "line not to be crossed" - that line being sex. Amazingly, you then quickly pushed as close as possible to that line by engaging in phone sex (unless you later decide to re-define oral sex as not being sex, in which case you can get "yet closer"...). Plain and simple: YOU ARE CHEATING ON YOUR HUSBAND Great post. We know that she knows that she's cheating. She's just trying to rationalize it.
MarriedGuyNTennessee Posted February 28, 2011 Posted February 28, 2011 Jane Doe, You asked why your MM would be so adament about not crossing the line and becoming physical if he didn't really mean it? Easy. He is merely falling back into seduction mode with you. If he can keep you, a married woman, attracted to him ( as you are) and believing he is honest ( which you do) and make you think he won't go physical with you (which he has), then he can slow down his game to a pace that doesn't threaten you. Meanwhile, your MM is digging away the foundation of your marriage. Have you told your husband you are attracted to this man? Does he know the butterflies you get just from being near the MM at work everyday? Would your husband consider phone sex to be inappropriate?
Author MrsJaneDoe Posted March 4, 2011 Author Posted March 4, 2011 Im gonna assume since we haven't heard from the OP that she has continued her affair and it has probably escalated Actually, lkjh, no it has not escalated. I want to be friends with this man. We have many interactions that are completely suitable and could occur right in front of our spouses. I have plenty of female friends whose company I enjoy, and I don't want to give up a friend with whom I feel very comfortable, and who I can be myself around, just because he is a man. I trust him when he says he/we will not cross the physical line. He values our friendship as well and doesn't want it to be ruined. He talks a good game when it comes to the flirtatious part, but I really do not think things will escalate...I think a lot of it is just talk. We've chatted totally appropriately lately, and we do not often find ourselves in places that would lend itself to escalating our relationship, so I feel like our friendship can and will stay just where it is.
whammy Posted March 5, 2011 Posted March 5, 2011 (edited) A few months ago I started a new job and became friendly with a married male coworker. Our offices are quite close to each other. Light flirting started on his side - maybe a compliment to my new haircut. I loved the positive attention and initially it was nothing inappropriate, so I did some mild flirting back, and started to develop an office crush. Most of the time we talk, it is innocent enough - about our kids, our homes, etc. Only sometimes does it cross the line - meaning I know my husband would flip if he knew. About a month and a half ago we had to work closely together for a few days, and the flirting/sexual innuendo was pretty strong. He told me he had a sexual dream about me (we'd both had innocent dreams about each other that we had talked about). He said it was really dirty, but I was really good, etc. I got a little caught up and said half-jokingly I wanted some details. Later that day I was driving home and he was a few cars behind me. He called me and started saying very sexual things that he wanted to do with me, and what he wanted to do the next day on his desk, etc. I stayed on the phone for 2-3 minutes, but then the magnititude of the call set in and I said I had to go to the store, hung up, and took another road home. Later that evening we chatted on FB innocently and the next few days at work were not as explicit, though he did tell me he & his wife had been intimate maybe 5x in the past year (I know this is probably a BS line). Soon after this, he had to travel for 2 weeks; I took this as a sign that I needed to cut off my crush, forget about him. I did well; we exchanged a few emails but they were totally above board. He came back, and for a good week and a half I was professional but not as friendly as I had been. Then he approached me and said I've seemed distant towards him. I felt like the wind was knocked out of me....so happy he noticed, because I'd been missing him. I told him everything's been fine, and we've warmed back up to each other, though with nothing inappropriate. Is there any possibility that we can be friends, that the dirty talk of that week can just be chalked up to a one-time thing? Perhaps I read too much into it? I enjoy his company even when we are 100% appropriate. He really is a nice guy...although I can imagine that if I were reading this post as an outsider, I would disagree. Or...and I probably know the answer...is this just a huge disaster waiting to happen? If so, how to break myself of this infatuation? I've had such a strong emotional and physical response to this man! FYI, my marriage is really not in bad shape; we have a good sex life, get along pretty well; my biggest complaint is that after 10 years things are not terribly exciting. I have something to say but a because its of randoms things Ill do it in a bunch of unrelated bullet points. - imagine you and your co-worker are in the a hotel room. you just had sex and it was good sex. are you happier now? is your life more exciting? are you looking at this man and saying "I dont need my life the way it is anymore because I am so fulfilled!!!!" - I think marriage is stupid. I think tying your finances to someone elses romantic feelings is incredibly insane (your husband might find that out, the hard way, soon enough). But your already marred so ignore that. But what you are doing right now is the same thing only worse. right now your tying your finances, husband, friendships, trust, integrity, loyalty, children, etc... to FLIRTING with some rando?!?!?!?! - Think about your husband. think about when he courted you. the nights out, the first kiss, getting to know each other, your wedding day, the hours on the phone, the planning a life together, etc... Your husband worked hard to get you and to get close to you. He values that. how is he going to feel...actually how is he going to value you when all Joe Schmo had to do was call you up and tell you his sex dream to get you in bed...to get you to uproot your whole life and break every promise you ever made? How could a man value you after that.... your his (your H) whole life, he gives every second to you and it means less, to you, then the weasel in the pleated dockers telling you to jump? - why do women go for this guy. What about him turns you on seriously? hes a little rat that doesnt even care about his own family. - maybe this is who you are. maybe your no better than him. maybe you are both selfish weasels Edited March 5, 2011 by whammy
whammy Posted March 5, 2011 Posted March 5, 2011 Actually, lkjh, no it has not escalated. I want to be friends with this man. We have many interactions that are completely suitable and could occur right in front of our spouses. I have plenty of female friends whose company I enjoy, and I don't want to give up a friend with whom I feel very comfortable, and who I can be myself around, just because he is a man. I trust him when he says he/we will not cross the physical line. He values our friendship as well and doesn't want it to be ruined. He talks a good game when it comes to the flirtatious part, but I really do not think things will escalate...I think a lot of it is just talk. We've chatted totally appropriately lately, and we do not often find ourselves in places that would lend itself to escalating our relationship, so I feel like our friendship can and will stay just where it is. you trust him? that is almost as big of a mistake as your husband made by trusting you. If I was your H, I would walk into your office, Bust that weasel in his face and while that little coward is on the ground I would take off my wedding ring and throw it in his face and say "this is yours now." I would take out our joint credit cards, throw them in his face and say "these are yours now." and I take my house key off my key chain, throw it in his face and say " and this is yours now" Then I would fake swing at him just the weasal flinch like a p*ssy, one more time. And before I left I would tell you "to have a nice life with your new husband, sorry I couldnt excite you, sorry putting a roof over your head and giving you the air I breath wasnt good enough...but I am going to have a blast putting all my effort, for the next 3 months, into f*cking his wife. ill have my stuff out of the house by the weekend."
whichwayisup Posted March 5, 2011 Posted March 5, 2011 Actually, lkjh, no it has not escalated. I want to be friends with this man. We have many interactions that are completely suitable and could occur right in front of our spouses. I have plenty of female friends whose company I enjoy, and I don't want to give up a friend with whom I feel very comfortable, and who I can be myself around, just because he is a man. I trust him when he says he/we will not cross the physical line. He values our friendship as well and doesn't want it to be ruined. He talks a good game when it comes to the flirtatious part, but I really do not think things will escalate...I think a lot of it is just talk. We've chatted totally appropriately lately, and we do not often find ourselves in places that would lend itself to escalating our relationship, so I feel like our friendship can and will stay just where it is. Don't compare friendships with women friends to the friendship you have with your co-worker. It's apples and oranges. Anyway, sadly, it seems you're going to have to learn the hard way and suffer some consquences (husband finding out what has taken place already). I don't understand why you're willing to hang onto the friendship so tightly and put your marriage at risk. Is this co worker worth it?? This guy and what you two do for eachother (flirting ego game) IS going to affect your marriage, though you don't see that (yet) and you're kind of in denial about it too. All I can say is, when/if the time comes your H has a woman friend who he's close to, flirts with, does some dirty/sexy talk with her, maybe have inappropriate conversations, I hope you'll then understand what it feels like to be in the opposite side of the coin. Good luck.
whichwayisup Posted March 5, 2011 Posted March 5, 2011 I want to be friends with this man. We have many interactions that are completely suitable and could occur right in front of our spouses. I have plenty of female friends whose company I enjoy, and I don't want to give up a friend with whom I feel very comfortable, and who I can be myself around, just because he is a man. So, introduce him to your husband. You say it could occur, so if you're totally comfortable and there's absolutely nothing going on, nor will go on, then you both should have no problem meeting eachothers spouses and spending an evening together. Right? Or, will you feel flushed, or self conscious, possibly guilty (for the inappropriate behaviour and sexy talks) maybe feel uncomfortable or over compensate while infront of your H and his W if all in one room. ? It's something to think about it. I again have to stress, your friendship with him is NOTHING like a friendship you have with your women friends. Your women friends don't turn you on, make you blush, make you feel special, feed your ego, put a smile on your face in a lustful/playful way.. You don't flirt and dirty talk to your women friends. You don't want to have sex with your women friends. If this guy made a move on you suddenly and just grabbed you, kissed you passionately, could you and would you immediately shove him off of you and feel nothing, except anger at him and walk away? Be honest with yourself. I don't expect you to answer on here, that's a question you need to think about and figure out on your own.
jnj express Posted March 5, 2011 Posted March 5, 2011 Hey Jane Doe---do you hear yourself---You are in a full scale EA---and you don't wanna give it up---That is pure BS, about the friends---this guy is not your friend---somewhere down the line he is looking to end up with you as a ONS, and you are cooperating fully---somewhere, at sometime the 2 of you will be together at some activity, a little alcohol will go down---and boom, so will you--and your mge. along with it Forget your H., do you have kids at home---do you know what a wrecked mge., does to kids---If you got caught, in most situations one of the requirements to even get to R. is that you would leave your job---do you need all of this to happen to you You need to go NC with this guy---I am willing to bet you spend more time thinking of your lover, than you do of your H. Mge is hard work, and yes it gets to be the same old, same old---it takes work---WHY DON'T YOU TAKE THE TIME YOU SPEND THINKING OF YOUR LOVER, AND THINK OF THINGS TO SPICE UP YOUR MGE. You are cheating on your H. even now by ommission--as you come home night after night, look him in the eyes and say everything is fine, even as you think and dream of your lover You better wake yourself up right now---cuz you really have no idea what wreckage there will be TO EVERYONE AROUND YOU---if you persist in this A.---and yes it is an A--and not a friendship
bentnotbroken Posted March 8, 2011 Posted March 8, 2011 It appears the OP has made a choice. She was at a fork in the road and she chose the one that looked like it had nice scenery but she can't see all the way to end. My guess is that she is going to be more than a little shocked when she gets to the end.
Mountain Dew Posted March 8, 2011 Posted March 8, 2011 You are already cheating on your husband even without sex. If you dont want to end up divorced and in a custody battle you have no choice but to quit this job and start again somewhere else. You did it to yourself. Every day you continue to work there you are stabbing your husband in the back even if you never talk to the coworker again. You broke the rules the first time you had a personal conversation with him. Since then you've gone WAY over the line. The only thing missing is sleeping with him and there's no fixing that once you go there. Please stop working there!
Mountain Dew Posted March 8, 2011 Posted March 8, 2011 you trust him? that is almost as big of a mistake as your husband made by trusting you. If I was your H, I would walk into your office, Bust that weasel in his face and while that little coward is on the ground I would take off my wedding ring and throw it in his face and say "this is yours now." I would take out our joint credit cards, throw them in his face and say "these are yours now." and I take my house key off my key chain, throw it in his face and say " and this is yours now" Then I would fake swing at him just the weasal flinch like a p*ssy, one more time. And before I left I would tell you "to have a nice life with your new husband, sorry I couldnt excite you, sorry putting a roof over your head and giving you the air I breath wasnt good enough...but I am going to have a blast putting all my effort, for the next 3 months, into f*cking his wife. ill have my stuff out of the house by the weekend." And you will lose the job as well as your family and marrage. Find another job fast, you cannot keep working there! Stop fooling yourself.
What_Next Posted March 8, 2011 Posted March 8, 2011 As I had posted earlier, some evening when she wakes in a hotel somewhere wondering "how did this happen" she might think back on these decisions. Then again she likely won't because by then she'll have re-written the history of the marriage anyway. She is already another statistic.
Author MrsJaneDoe Posted March 10, 2011 Author Posted March 10, 2011 I've spent nearly this last whole week reading this thread over and over....and talking to my non-judgmental best friend, and it has hit me like a ton of bricks that this situation has nothing to do with him personally as being such a great guy (which I am realizing he is not) but with me, and the boost to my self-esteem his attention gives me. I know my husband finds me attractive but I guess after 10 yrs together I've forgotten that and need to remember. Rather than seeing my coworker's words as flattering compliments, I see them as cheap, cheesy come-ons that he's probably used before. It's unfortunate for his wife. I am not going to tell my husband about this. I know many will disapprove, and maybe it is selfish, but everyday my resolve is going to get stronger and I see no need to hurt him. I will keep rereading this thread, and any new comments bc I know it's not going to be easy. When I start to pull away, OM seems to sense it and then the attention comes on strong. I hope he is realizing that we have gone too far but that is his problem. Thanks for all words, advice...I need to focus on spicing up my marriage AND my self-esteem.
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