MrsJaneDoe Posted February 21, 2011 Posted February 21, 2011 A few months ago I started a new job and became friendly with a married male coworker. Our offices are quite close to each other. Light flirting started on his side - maybe a compliment to my new haircut. I loved the positive attention and initially it was nothing inappropriate, so I did some mild flirting back, and started to develop an office crush. Most of the time we talk, it is innocent enough - about our kids, our homes, etc. Only sometimes does it cross the line - meaning I know my husband would flip if he knew. About a month and a half ago we had to work closely together for a few days, and the flirting/sexual innuendo was pretty strong. He told me he had a sexual dream about me (we'd both had innocent dreams about each other that we had talked about). He said it was really dirty, but I was really good, etc. I got a little caught up and said half-jokingly I wanted some details. Later that day I was driving home and he was a few cars behind me. He called me and started saying very sexual things that he wanted to do with me, and what he wanted to do the next day on his desk, etc. I stayed on the phone for 2-3 minutes, but then the magnititude of the call set in and I said I had to go to the store, hung up, and took another road home. Later that evening we chatted on FB innocently and the next few days at work were not as explicit, though he did tell me he & his wife had been intimate maybe 5x in the past year (I know this is probably a BS line). Soon after this, he had to travel for 2 weeks; I took this as a sign that I needed to cut off my crush, forget about him. I did well; we exchanged a few emails but they were totally above board. He came back, and for a good week and a half I was professional but not as friendly as I had been. Then he approached me and said I've seemed distant towards him. I felt like the wind was knocked out of me....so happy he noticed, because I'd been missing him. I told him everything's been fine, and we've warmed back up to each other, though with nothing inappropriate. Is there any possibility that we can be friends, that the dirty talk of that week can just be chalked up to a one-time thing? Perhaps I read too much into it? I enjoy his company even when we are 100% appropriate. He really is a nice guy...although I can imagine that if I were reading this post as an outsider, I would disagree. Or...and I probably know the answer...is this just a huge disaster waiting to happen? If so, how to break myself of this infatuation? I've had such a strong emotional and physical response to this man! FYI, my marriage is really not in bad shape; we have a good sex life, get along pretty well; my biggest complaint is that after 10 years things are not terribly exciting.
xpaperxcutx Posted February 21, 2011 Posted February 21, 2011 If you knew this was bad behaviour, why did you condone it? By participating, you're a perpetuator as well. If you have marriage problems, get help for it. Don't use someone's attention and your life's lack of excitement to start an office affair.
Distant78 Posted February 21, 2011 Posted February 21, 2011 A few months ago I started a new job and became friendly with a married male coworker. Our offices are quite close to each other. Light flirting started on his side - maybe a compliment to my new haircut. I loved the positive attention and initially it was nothing inappropriate, so I did some mild flirting back, and started to develop an office crush. Most of the time we talk, it is innocent enough - about our kids, our homes, etc. Only sometimes does it cross the line - meaning I know my husband would flip if he knew. About a month and a half ago we had to work closely together for a few days, and the flirting/sexual innuendo was pretty strong. He told me he had a sexual dream about me (we'd both had innocent dreams about each other that we had talked about). He said it was really dirty, but I was really good, etc. I got a little caught up and said half-jokingly I wanted some details. Later that day I was driving home and he was a few cars behind me. He called me and started saying very sexual things that he wanted to do with me, and what he wanted to do the next day on his desk, etc. I stayed on the phone for 2-3 minutes, but then the magnititude of the call set in and I said I had to go to the store, hung up, and took another road home. Later that evening we chatted on FB innocently and the next few days at work were not as explicit, though he did tell me he & his wife had been intimate maybe 5x in the past year (I know this is probably a BS line). Soon after this, he had to travel for 2 weeks; I took this as a sign that I needed to cut off my crush, forget about him. I did well; we exchanged a few emails but they were totally above board. He came back, and for a good week and a half I was professional but not as friendly as I had been. Then he approached me and said I've seemed distant towards him. I felt like the wind was knocked out of me....so happy he noticed, because I'd been missing him. I told him everything's been fine, and we've warmed back up to each other, though with nothing inappropriate. Is there any possibility that we can be friends, that the dirty talk of that week can just be chalked up to a one-time thing? Perhaps I read too much into it? I enjoy his company even when we are 100% appropriate. He really is a nice guy...although I can imagine that if I were reading this post as an outsider, I would disagree. Or...and I probably know the answer...is this just a huge disaster waiting to happen? If so, how to break myself of this infatuation? I've had such a strong emotional and physical response to this man! FYI, my marriage is really not in bad shape; we have a good sex life, get along pretty well; my biggest complaint is that after 10 years things are not terribly exciting. You know you're cheating and what you're doing is wrong. Stop being so selfish and tell your husband. He deserves to know if his mate is stepping out on him. You're putting his life at risk.
whichwayisup Posted February 21, 2011 Posted February 21, 2011 meaning I know my husband would flip if he knew. So, why are you doing this? Set boundries up with this co-worker and just don't 'go there' with those types of conversations, don't be so flirty. You don't even have to discuss it with him, your body language and ignoring his comments, well, he'll get the hint pretty fast. If he asks, you just say it's wrong and I feel bad doing this. If your husband was doing dirty talk, flirting with a woman coworker, sexually charged up, I'm betting you wouldn't like it very much and feel hurt, and jealous. Your ego is getting stroked. Yes, it's nice to be looked at and desired by others, even more so when you're married, but..You ARE putting yourself in situations where this could very well turn into something else. WHy not dirty talk and flirt with your husband? Bring back the passion. Let him know you two need to spice things up, spend time alone together. Go on dates, make love in various rooms in the house (send the kids to the grandparents if you have kids) and put effort into your marriage NOT some co worker who thinks you're cute. 1
seren Posted February 21, 2011 Posted February 21, 2011 (edited) MrsJaneDoe Yes I can understand that the flirting, the innuendo, the sex talk is flattering, exciting, sexy and add a liking for the person and a frisson of sexual chenistry and it's like reading a recipe for an A in the making. Sort of like getting the ingredients together for it to happen, or to take the focus away from what you want or need in your marriage, it also takes your attention away from any solutions too. These feelings can exist in a marriage, just takes a bit of mind shifting and effort on both parts. I think most of us have had the kind of attention you are speaking about, the yardstick I use is, if I wouldn't do it in front of my H's face, then I sure as hell don't have any business doing it behind his back and vice versa. Yes after 10 years marriages can become stale, even though there is love, it can feel like a groundhog day of sameness, but that just takes a bit of effort to wake it or shake it up. I also think that being the person you can be with the co worker can be difficult to suddenly be that way with your H simply because it has become 'normal' for you both to have slipped into husband and wife, or mother and father roles. try writing your H a letter, it doesn't have to be crude, just a Hey remember us!! letter The fallout from an A is so not pretty or clever, it is hurtful, painful and unless there is an intention to leave before it goes that far a very high price to pay for self validation and a bit of fun. Well it is in my book anyway. I echo what someone else said about how you might feel if you thought it was your H doing this with a co worker, hold that thought, take a good look at your husband, do you really want to lose him for a quick fix of sexual tension? I understand the vanity of an A, but we don't always have to act on it, do we? If the answer is yes, then at least do your H the favour of letting him know so he can be making sex talk with another. Edited February 21, 2011 by seren Wrong name given to OP
jojoqueen Posted February 21, 2011 Posted February 21, 2011 I want you to know that I am on the receiving end of something similar to what you describe.... I am the wife of married 'coworker'. My spouse thought much the same as you. That it's no big deal, just chat. I want you to know that it is a big deal. I personally have been crushed by the actions that they participated in. I suspect your friends wife would feel the same way. I don't doubt for a second your husband would hurt from it as well. Take a minute and think how you would feel if it was your husband having sexual conversations with one of his female coworkers, doesn't feel very good does it!.
Calif_hope Posted February 21, 2011 Posted February 21, 2011 Mrs Jane Doe You are in the beginning stage of a full fledge EMOTIONAL AFFAIR, you are cheating on you husband, disrespecting him and your marriage. If you love and have respect for you husband, the PROPER response to the sexual phone conversation should have been anger and a conversation with your EA partner that he crossed a line that he is not to cross again! You did't and thus are guilty of betraying your husband. Get out of your EA fog ASAP......."Happy he noticed", "Missing Him" - BAD BAD signs! Quit fooling yourself. Scary quote from you "Perhaps I read too much into it" Lady, you didn't read enough into it, don't kid yourself. The line has been crossed, you should limit your converstations to work related matters, and defriend him from Facebook. For God sake, please wake up! You are going to rationalize this, try to save the "friendship" don't do it, you will be better served if you invested the energy and emotions into your marriage. You can do a lot of things to spice up your marriage, strike the match to re-light the fire! Closing, I once asked my grandfather (RIP) was was the secret to his 62 year marriage with my grandmother - he said, "when I am away from her I act and speak as if she was right beside me, can't get in trouble that way" Listen to my grandfather..... ...just imangine if your husband overheard your conversations.........
Terrier Posted February 21, 2011 Posted February 21, 2011 Talk to your husband. Work affairs are disastrous. You can end up losing your job as well as your marriage. When your affair ends it will be awkward every single day. You are at a crossroads in you life. Choose good.
Spark1111 Posted February 21, 2011 Posted February 21, 2011 Ahhh, sexual innuendo? Dreams used as the reason to open sexual doors; ones you did not dismiss outright? If you do not exhibit STRONG professional and personal boundaries right now, you are heading towards a physical affair with this co-worker. Is that what you want?
kuma Posted February 21, 2011 Posted February 21, 2011 Light flirting started on his side - maybe a compliment to my new haircut. I loved the positive attention and initially it was nothing inappropriate, so I did some mild flirting back, and started to develop an office crush. He's good at seducing women. Women love compliments. A new hairstyle, a new dress, etc. etc. I think he wants sex and nothing more. If you don't want to risk losing your marriage, stop flirting with him.
Ballerfamily Posted February 21, 2011 Posted February 21, 2011 (edited) This is a very dangerous situation for not only you, but for your husband and children. What if things did progress... What if you decided to start going to eat with him, or stop by his place. Then the next thing you know things progressed from there. A kiss, making out, then you have sex. This is very typical of affairs. The next thing you know you either will destroy the relationship with your husband, his life, and the lives of your children. Your husband will never trust women again, and your children will forever until they are old people remember the fact that their mother was a cheater and was so incredibly caught up in her own adulterous feelings that she acted them out and destroyed their natural family with both their mother and father. They will have issues growing up in step families and will always hold you accountable for your actions. If you act on this and end up having sex or whatever with this guy, trust me, after a short while of doing this activity the "great excitement" will be over and all that will be left is the pain, distrust and horror that you have caused your children and husband who has been by your side all these years. The amount of hurt will be endless. To break this off you simply tell this guy "I think things and discussions have gone too far. Remember I AM married and have children and love my husband dearly. I want to have only an at work relationship with you". Please don't destroy your family. I am a man. This is spot on. Like reading my diary. Now the highlight of my day is occasionaly having enough energy to go to happy hour with another divorced friend who went through the same thing. We cant even hardly look at women, and then only as sex objects. It is beyond me how your type fall for these kind of people. Wow, and you got it all going on. FIX YOURSELF, DAMN IT. The damage you will end up doing, I wouldnt wish on my worst enemy. You want the stigma of a selfish, coward, that would like a little strange instead of your kids and hub living happily ever after. Excuse me, I gotta go puke and these damn anxiety pills make me so tired. Yup, all worth it for hppiness. Now, lets talk about the kids. 19 year old, ladies dream, college baseball player. Refuses to even attempt at a relationship he is so jaded by what his mother did. Wont hardly see her or speak to her, she has to beg him to come see her, and she works at the university he is at. The 8 yr old boy, she took him in full custody so as justify her actions. On my vistation days, he is the happiset little guy in the world, because I'm a good dad. The sadness in his eyes when I take him back, leaves me crying for a couple days. Edited February 21, 2011 by Ballerfamily
Author MrsJaneDoe Posted February 22, 2011 Author Posted February 22, 2011 (edited) Thank you for yr replies. I cannot dispute what anybody has said, I too acted very inappropriately. I was hoping that because he has not been inappropriate lately, that he too thought we went too far and just wants to be friends. But i realize now that since we crossed that line it would be only a matter of time before things got inappropriate again. Edited February 22, 2011 by MrsJaneDoe misspelling
Calif_hope Posted February 22, 2011 Posted February 22, 2011 Mrs Jane Doe, thank God you see it now. I would have wished you didn't "hope" that things could go back but as long as you see that once the line has been crossed you can't have a do over. Can't put the Geni back into the bottle. Don't kid yourself, it's going to be hard to reestablish you bondries back to strictly professional. He, being a guy, will test the lines and you must be strong enough to hold the line. You are not friends, you are business associates. You may have to be a bit rude to him and hey react like a school boy with hurt feelings but that is OK....it's about your relationship and trust with your husband. Remember, your husband may forgive you but he will never forget nor ever see you as the woman he fell in live with, the woman he proposed to, and the woman he gazed his eyes on on the day of your wedding. Hold the line at all cost!!!
Calif_hope Posted February 22, 2011 Posted February 22, 2011 Forgot to add.......regarding your marriage and spicing things up.. Two months ago my wife of 14 years called me to meet her at a hotel bar after work, when I arrived I didn't see her but I did get a text from her to talk to the red head at the bar....I approached, as I noticed that the red head was my wife she introduced herself (not real name) and said, loud enough for others to hear that this was her first blind date...I got it and played along....later the look that the men at the bar had on the their face when she announced that this was going to be my best first date I ever had as she handed me a room key card, was great. What she did that night was give me the green light to play fun games with her to spice things up a little and let me tell you I am a full participant.
Terrier Posted February 22, 2011 Posted February 22, 2011 I've tried to have a little fun like you describe with my wh but he has no imagination, only wants one way, one time of day, one place... I'm the fun one, but he's the one who strayed. Go figure.
Author MrsJaneDoe Posted February 23, 2011 Author Posted February 23, 2011 I feel like I will never get out of this EA "fog" as I've seen it called on the boards. I know it is ridiculous; I've been like a high school girl...the butterflies, the weak knees....I've had probably a dozen dreams about kissing him...no sex, all relatively juvenile. It's so strange. In over 10 years with my husband I have never even looked at another man twice. With this man it feels so natural to be with him. I will not jeopardize what matters most to me, but I feel like a hopeless mess right now.
Duckduckgoose Posted February 23, 2011 Posted February 23, 2011 I am a man. This is spot on. Like reading my diary. Now the highlight of my day is occasionaly having enough energy to go to happy hour with another divorced friend who went through the same thing. We cant even hardly look at women, and then only as sex objects. It is beyond me how your type fall for these kind of people. Wow, and you got it all going on. FIX YOURSELF, DAMN IT. The damage you will end up doing, I wouldnt wish on my worst enemy. You want the stigma of a selfish, coward, that would like a little strange instead of your kids and hub living happily ever after. Excuse me, I gotta go puke and these damn anxiety pills make me so tired. Yup, all worth it for hppiness. Now, lets talk about the kids. 19 year old, ladies dream, college baseball player. Refuses to even attempt at a relationship he is so jaded by what his mother did. Wont hardly see her or speak to her, she has to beg him to come see her, and she works at the university he is at. The 8 yr old boy, she took him in full custody so as justify her actions. On my vistation days, he is the happiset little guy in the world, because I'm a good dad. The sadness in his eyes when I take him back, leaves me crying for a couple days. I've read a lot of Baller's stuff and it's good. Please don't ruin your marriage for this OM/coworker fellow. I bet as soon as you cut things with him he will move on to the next. He knows how to compliment a woman, and you are his catch of the day. What kind of creep who is married goes after someone else who is married? Seriously? Do you really want to be /that/ woman? Everyone else in the office probably knows he's a cheater and a scumbag. There were too many of those at my last job. It made me ****ing sick.
whichwayisup Posted February 23, 2011 Posted February 23, 2011 I feel like I will never get out of this EA "fog" as I've seen it called on the boards. I know it is ridiculous; I've been like a high school girl...the butterflies, the weak knees....I've had probably a dozen dreams about kissing him...no sex, all relatively juvenile. It's so strange. In over 10 years with my husband I have never even looked at another man twice. With this man it feels so natural to be with him. I will not jeopardize what matters most to me, but I feel like a hopeless mess right now. two words. Ego trip. You have a crush that has gotten out of control and you let yourself get carried away, got into the habit of relying on this guys comments, looks to make you feel good. it's a habit you can break! Get busy with your H, friends, family and push the other guy out of your head. The fantasy of it all..Let go of it. Imagine how your H would feel if he found out? Is risking all that you have at home worth it?
AbeNormal Posted February 23, 2011 Posted February 23, 2011 (edited) I suppose the "fog" makes it difficult for you to properly comprehend the horror your husband would/will feel about what you are doing, and even though you are reading threads it’s likely difficult to feel/understand the true depth of impact an EA (or, god forbid, a PA) will have on your marriage - if it survives. Your husband's trust in you will be undermined, his respect for you severely diminished, he will feel anger, your children will be forever impacted by what they observe going on, etc. If he read this thread (knowing that it was you posting) he would feel physically ill. I don't know you at all, yet my stomach is upset at hearing about your fantasies/dreams about this man. Who is he? He is a man who IS cheating on his wife. His behavior, as described by you, most certainly constitutes cheating. It seems fairly clear that he would go for a PA with you given the opportunity; he very likely has done it before with other conquests. You are (or, I hope, simply were to this point) participating in degrading his wife and family. He clearly lacks honor, and he has no problems or concerns about trying to drag you down to his level. So what is it that makes a man attractive/desirable? Perhaps charm and looks are important factors. But isn't character the most important thing? Honesty, faithfulness, trustworthiness, concern for others, etc.? It seems to me that this man isn't even your friend. What kind of friend would want to do something that could/would end up causing you horrible pain? – and yes, a horrible pain would await you if he were able to lure you further into this affair (before you fully come to your senses). Next time you find yourself fantasizing about him, perhaps allow yourself to peek under his mask and see the true man that resides there. Edited February 23, 2011 by AbeNormal
What_Next Posted February 23, 2011 Posted February 23, 2011 You want to lift that fog? Expose it to the light of day! It'll evaporate very quickly. You at least realized this before waking up some night at a hotel after throwing away your marriage. Talk to your husband about what has been going on. Be straight with him. If your marriage is otherwise healthy he'll understand and thank you for it. He can then go and have a "chat" with the OM and set him straight. I know that finding employment in the US can be tough right now, but you might want to consider changing jobs. This is a serious situation that is a trainwreck waiting to happen. Trust me.
Author MrsJaneDoe Posted February 26, 2011 Author Posted February 26, 2011 We had a serious conversation and admitted our desires for each other. But we mutually agreed to never physically act on it, admitted our marriages and the friendship that has developed between the two of us is too important to risk it all. I feel happy, relieved, but a little sad. I know it is for the best though. I am hoping this infatuation will gradually fade, the way it gradually developed. He doesn't feel that phone sex is cheating (or even if he does, he isn't against doing it...b/c our discussion led to that)....I know a lot of people disagree; I don't know how I feel about it. I don't necessarily see the harm in a little private excitement between us every couple of weeks or whenever, since we agreed not to act on it physically. No, I wouldn't be happy if my husband was doing this, but then if I didn't know and nothing changed between us, would it really be hurting me? I believe that my friend is adamant about his committment to not cross the physical line.
Woggle Posted February 26, 2011 Posted February 26, 2011 This is not going to end well. There is no reason a married man would get flirty other then to go all the way. You are going to throw away everything over this?
whichwayisup Posted February 26, 2011 Posted February 26, 2011 We had a serious conversation and admitted our desires for each other. But we mutually agreed to never physically act on it, admitted our marriages and the friendship that has developed between the two of us is too important to risk it all. I feel happy, relieved, but a little sad. I know it is for the best though. I am hoping this infatuation will gradually fade, the way it gradually developed. He doesn't feel that phone sex is cheating (or even if he does, he isn't against doing it...b/c our discussion led to that)....I know a lot of people disagree; I don't know how I feel about it. I don't necessarily see the harm in a little private excitement between us every couple of weeks or whenever, since we agreed not to act on it physically. No, I wouldn't be happy if my husband was doing this, but then if I didn't know and nothing changed between us, would it really be hurting me? I believe that my friend is adamant about his committment to not cross the physical line. I give you less than 2 months before you and your co worker kiss and then it turns into a physical affair. What about YOU? Do you have it in you NOT to cross the physical line? Fact that you more or less think that what you're doing isn't wrong, one of those, what my H won't know, doesn't hurt him.. Well, emotionally you ARE and will continue to emotionally detach from your H. The sexually charged phone sex will strengthen what you feel for the MM at work. Bet you once in a while will be thinking of MM when having sex with your husband. Or, using that sexual energy what you have with MM and use it WITH your husband. God, how would YOU feel if your H had phone sex with another woman, and then had sex with you? I cannot believe you don't see the wrong in this. did you forget your wedding vows? Boy are you ever asking for trouble and putting yourself in a really stupid choices. NO, I am not calling you stupid, you're just making the WRONG choice!!!! Is throwing what you have with your H all away for an ego trip worth it? Do you have kids? Is ruining their lives and turning their lives upside down worth it? THINK about this before you do something you'll regret.
TinaniT Posted February 26, 2011 Posted February 26, 2011 (edited) Or...and I probably know the answer...is this just a huge disaster waiting to happen? . Yes yes yes. Back off. Consider your husband to be listening to everything you say. You will regret it, as you said in your happy marriage... What can you do randomly to add some excitement in your loving husband's life, rather than some stranger? Maybe he would appreciate some talking an innuendo after this time. Good luck!!!!!! ETA : I just read more.... There is harm in it. It takes your energy away - it's been documented here. Don't do it if your husband would react poorly if he knew.... assume he will find out.. You said your husband treats you well, why hurt him? After it's reached this point, you shouldn't evne really be friends with this guy. Much less any "excitement" And I'm not coming at this from a judgmental angle. My history is on here. Just based on what you said, you are leading yourself into a world of hurt. You haven't controlled yourselves thus far, also, and evne though just what it is now DOES hurt, it could become more hurt... for your husband, for his wife, and also for HIM and for YOU. Good luck. Edited February 26, 2011 by TinaniT
Author MrsJaneDoe Posted February 26, 2011 Author Posted February 26, 2011 I give you less than 2 months before you and your co worker kiss and then it turns into a physical affair. What about YOU? Do you have it in you NOT to cross the physical line? Fact that you more or less think that what you're doing isn't wrong, one of those, what my H won't know, doesn't hurt him.. Well, emotionally you ARE and will continue to emotionally detach from your H. The sexually charged phone sex will strengthen what you feel for the MM at work. Bet you once in a while will be thinking of MM when having sex with your husband. Or, using that sexual energy what you have with MM and use it WITH your husband. God, how would YOU feel if your H had phone sex with another woman, and then had sex with you? I cannot believe you don't see the wrong in this. did you forget your wedding vows? Boy are you ever asking for trouble and putting yourself in a really stupid choices. NO, I am not calling you stupid, you're just making the WRONG choice!!!! Is throwing what you have with your H all away for an ego trip worth it? Do you have kids? Is ruining their lives and turning their lives upside down worth it? THINK about this before you do something you'll regret. Why would MM be adamant about saying we should not/will not cross the physical line if he doesn't mean it though? He knows I am attracted to him, all cards are on the table....why would he not just be honest about wanting to literally get together if he'll still do phone stuff? I am not saying I would oblige him, but I am genuinely confused about why he would lie about this. We're both in a bad situation, doing something that is admittedly not right. I feel like we've become friends enough that he wouldn't be dishonest with me about this considering the circumstances.
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