foundit_losing it Posted February 21, 2011 Posted February 21, 2011 (edited) Can any divorced guys relate to what my guy is doing to me? And, if there's anything in particular I could say to him when these things happen or anything I should do right now? I am emotionally exhausted right now. I am on the tail end of a 5 month relationship. I met this latest guy at a bad time - right after another breakup so I was not in a good place to be dating for the first two months. It definitely wasn't ideal. We took it slow and he seemed very patient and kept hanging in there to my complete surprise. Eventually my mind switched from my ex and onto the new guy and it was totally amazing. He made everything 'official' and I was beside myself with happiness. However, particularly in the last 6 weeks it seems to me that a lot of little issues or maybe the whole issue stems from the fact that my new guy is officially divorced as of a year ago. He was in that last relationship for 12 yrs from the age of 18 yrs old to 30 yrs old. He is 32 now. So with that seems to come a lot of baggage. Issues such as guilt for leaving the marriage, insecurities, confidence/sense of self, major fears and worries about ever committing /marrying/getting close to anyone again, feeling like he has missed out on all the things other ppl did in their single 20's, the second I do or say anything similar to the ex wife he seems to snap a bit etc. Even though he is the one that has 'chased me' from day 1 and made it all official - these things rear their ugly head every now and then and to me it's completely heartbreaking and demotivating because I think everything is going well but he suddenly does a 180 or snaps about something. I am an incredibly patient person but the erratic up and down behaviour has become so emotionally exhausting. I find I am trying to put on a happy face hoping to get us out of the rut and onto a happier time again and I get us there, we have an amazing day, he sends me a beautiful text to say how brilliant it all was - and I think wow let's hope we are past the rut now. But then he has another 'episode' of some sort all over again - and it's all so tiring. Then he tells me in texts and emails and in person - how much he likes me so much but is 'confused' about us. He also told me that I don't open up enough and I always push him away. I didn't really like kissing/pushed him away, he always felt disheartened, thinks I am not that into him and that I just don't 'feel anything' or show a lot of emotion or care - but he says he is always sure there is 'more to me'. I guess I must guard my heart and keep some things to myself because I take my time to get close. I am so tired of getting hurt, starting over and over and over again and I don't want to spill my guts in the first 3 months of knowing someone. However, I took everything he said on board and I made an incredible effort to address these issues particularly in the last month - so much that numerous times lately he has said I was great and that he just wished I had been like this from the start. I am trying my hardest to make this work but in the last 6 weeks he is just so up and down, so unsure, always says he is confused. He tells me how much he likes me and he says things like "You make it so hard not to like you", when he is all unsure/breaking up with me he said he wishes he could tell me what I want to hear (that we can be together) and says things like "Believe me a big part of me wants to. I'm really struggling." and that he is sorry and this isn't how he wanted it to be, he wishes this had worked etc. He broke it off on Saturday (this is about the third time he's broken up then changed his mind) When we meet up to talk about things he is just all over me - he clearly is attracted and has feelings for me and always tells me how much he cares about me. We wind up spending the entire day being completely content with each other - as we did yesterday - but this time at the end when it was time to part ways and come to a conclusion - he still said he just isn't sure. Last thing he said (in a text this morning) was that he is so confused and that a big part of him wants to tell me what I want to hear etc and that he thinks we should just think about things over the week. Ugh. I feel like I've just lost it all now. I just feel so emotionally exhausted and like there is literally nothing else I can do or say except wait and hope and pray etc. I always feel a lot of hope because he doesn't really have anything bad to say about me - he is saying he really likes me. Also, the things he didn't like about me (pushing him away/not opening up) he now says I have really improved on. So what on earth is going on here. I am also secretly hoping he sees a counsellor and they can sort his head out and he can just snap out of this and stop wasting precious moments of happiness. Gees he's already spent 12 yrs being unhappy. Edited February 21, 2011 by foundit_losing it typo
YellowShark Posted February 21, 2011 Posted February 21, 2011 (edited) ...it's completely heartbreaking and demotivating because I think everything is going well but he suddenly does a 180 or snaps about something. I am an incredibly patient person but the erratic up and down behaviour has become so emotionally exhausting....he sends me a beautiful text to say how brilliant it all was - and I think wow let's hope we are past the rut now. But then he has another 'episode' of some sort all over again - and it's all so tiring. I think I know what you are experiencing. ...Then he tells me in texts and emails and in person - how much he likes me so much but is 'confused' about us... He also told me that I don't open up enough and I always push him away. ...he says things like "You make it so hard not to like you", when he is all unsure/breaking up with me he said he wishes he could tell me what I want to hear (that we can be together) and says things like "Believe me a big part of me wants to...He broke it off on Saturday (this is about the third time he's broken up then changed his mind) When we meet up to talk about things he is just all over me... I'm certainly no doctor but he sounds like someone suffering from Borderline Personality Disorder. The push/pull. How everything is your fault. How you don't adore him properly. And you're only 5 months into this relationship. Read here and see if anything rings a bell: http://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?board=8.0 Edited February 21, 2011 by YellowShark
Author foundit_losing it Posted February 21, 2011 Author Posted February 21, 2011 I'm certainly no doctor but he sounds like someone suffering from Borderline Personality Disorder. The push/pull. How everything is your fault. How you don't adore him properly. And you're only 5 months into this relationship. Read here and see if anything rings a bell: http://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?board=8.0 YellowShark, wow that is interesting. I do often tell him it feels like he's got two completely different personalities. My housemate even suggested that he may have bi-polar - but I don't think so. I think this BPD thing sounds more like it. Particularly the symptoms in this link: http://au.reachout.com/find/articles/borderline-personality-disorder Thanks again YellowShark, I appreciate you taking the time to reply. Maybe I can politely mention it next time he's telling me how much he is struggling and how confused he is.
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