timchambo Posted February 20, 2011 Posted February 20, 2011 so I am pretty sure I may have made this exact thread before, but I feel the hatred building daily so maybe someone can calm my nerves. My ex of over 7 years, former fiance broke things off days before Christmas. Within days she's seeing someone from work. As far as I know they are still going strong. I can't believe the amount of disrespect this woman gives me. Over 7 years with this girl and I provided for her every step of the way. Put a roof over her head. Held down a very solid job while she chased her "dream job". She landed it and bails on the relationship. The anger/hatred comes from the **** I hear through the grape vine about what she is saying about our relationship. The latest was the line "there were so many problems with us that nobody knew about". She never brought up any "problems" to me...ever. I really don't remember the last time we had argued. Was probably months before the breakup about something trivial. I am just blown away after all the opportunities I gave her in her life that she can be so disrepectful to not only cheat, but to build up all these "issues" that supposedly existed. After 7 years I am left with no good memories...the only thought of her now is a complete liar, user, cheater. Someone say something that will calm me please =p
broken-and-lost Posted February 20, 2011 Posted February 20, 2011 hey man really sorry to hear about your pain i don't think there is a lot someone can say at this point you have every right to be angry just try not to let that anger turn inwards try to remember your a good person who deserves better
glimmer Posted February 20, 2011 Posted February 20, 2011 oh my gosh I'm so sorry you're going through this. it seems so unfair. is there any way you can talk to her and get closure by asking her what the problems were?
Bonie Posted February 20, 2011 Posted February 20, 2011 I completelly know what u are going through. I have the same problem and do not know how to deal with the anger. I hate the fact that my ex did not try to save our relationsip and never talked about any problems he thought we had but just decides to break up out of the blue with me when I was sick and in a very difficult stage. Oh and he broke up with me over the email, telling me he did not feel the same way about me anymore. I hate the cowady way he used to break up with me but I guess he did not have the balls to do it in person.It just feels like I was living in a lie for 3 years and then he stabbed me in the back when I needed him the most. All I want is for him to experience the same as he did to me and suffer the way I did. I knowit is wrong but he made me that way.
Author timchambo Posted February 20, 2011 Author Posted February 20, 2011 oh my gosh I'm so sorry you're going through this. it seems so unfair. is there any way you can talk to her and get closure by asking her what the problems were? I really don't see this as an option. When I found out she was leaving for this other guy I ended all contact. All the reasons I have heard so far are completely false. I really think the **** she is talking is a response to everyone when they ask why she is with new dude so fast.
ChameleonMan Posted February 20, 2011 Posted February 20, 2011 The breakup is still fresh on your mind and for what she's done with you, your anger sounds justified. Eventually, maybe not now, I hope that you will one day grow to forgive her. It's experiences like these that make us into much better people if we let them.
YellowShark Posted February 21, 2011 Posted February 21, 2011 I can't believe the amount of disrespect this woman gives me. Over 7 years with this girl and I provided for her every step of the way. Sorry to hear what you are feeling timchambo. My relationship was 7 years as well. Feels like a train ran over ya. Then backed up just to make sure you're dead. There is a lot to process right now, and some of it is anger, some is sadness, and some is bitterness. But try to remember the opposite of love is indifference, not hatred. But ya, I totally hear ya, I was pretty angry eight months ago too. My ex of over 7 years, former fiance broke things off days before Christmas. Within days she's seeing someone from work. As far as I know they are still going strong. Obviously she was having an affair with this guy from work and that is why she broke it off with you.. Let's not kid ourselves. Who knows why really? Only she really does. I hear through the grape vine about what she is saying about our relationship. The latest was the line "there were so many problems with us that nobody knew about" That is called "painting you black." She is trying to defend the indefensible - (her affair) - by painting you black. You, (the faithful partner/fiance) - is the "bad guy" in the big black 10-gallon hat! Who made her life a living hell! And she is so busted up about the end of the engagement she's already run into the arms of another guy at work. Hmmmm. Funny how that works. I gave her in her life that she can be so disrepectful to not only cheat, but to build up all these "issues" that supposedly existed. After 7 years I am left with no good memories...the only thought of her now is a complete liar, user, cheater. Someone say something that will calm me please =p I dunno why this happens timchambo but it happens. Maybe she got spooked about the marriage part, maybe she has "Grass is Greener" syndrome, maybe she simply checked out on the relationship long ago, maybe she had that 7-year itch, either way the guy at work definitely is involved. So be it. I too became angry, depressed, sad, bitter, lonely. Seven years is a long time have her wake up beside you and then suddenly.. poof, she's gone. Worse is she cheated. Insult to injury. I know the feeling. So this is what I did when the same thing happened to me. I took advice from many people here and elsewhere: 1 - Your EX has now become an "Enemy of the State." She has left you for another man, so don't make someone a priority who only sees you as an option. She's off the reservation. Gonzo. Kaput. Tough pill to swallow. She is not your "friend" either. Friends don't throw other friends under buses. 2 - She's gonna do her thing, and you have to do your thing. Since she is painting you black your "thing" does not involve her "thing" anymore, ok? So go no contact. Get it? That means no emails, texts, phone calls, Crackbook stalking. NOTHING. She is black-holed, and you are a submarine hiding under the North Pole under radio silence. 3 - Resist all urges to contact her, don't write her any sappy bargaining letters or emails. You just end up looking like a pathetic douche. If she contacts you too bad, she dumped you remember? Read and delete all her future fishing expeditions. Never reply. It'll drive her nuts. 4 - Heal. Do what you like doing and go do it! She's no longer in the way. So beers with the guys it is until 4am! Not a problem. Golf... sure. Skiing? Why not. Go to a club? Absolutely. The Gym? Go Karts? Rock Climbing? Rollerblading? Hell ya. Toilet seat up? Definitely! The best thing for you now is to regroup and heal. Focus only on you. Wake up the guy she fell in love with 7 years ago and take him out for a test drive. No contact and healing is the best medicine for you. She's no longer an option. She's an EX. Take a vacation in your mind from her for a bit. ..and remember, she may have dumped you timchambo, but she dumped you into a HUGE pool of eligible women. Good luck.
Author timchambo Posted February 21, 2011 Author Posted February 21, 2011 Sorry to hear what you are feeling timchambo. My relationship was 7 years as well. Feels like a train ran over ya. Then backed up just to make sure you're dead. There is a lot to process right now, and some of it is anger, some is sadness, and some is bitterness. But try to remember the opposite of love is indifference, not hatred. But ya, I totally hear ya, I was pretty angry eight months ago too. Obviously she was having an affair with this guy from work and that is why she broke it off with you.. Let's not kid ourselves. Who knows why really? Only she really does. That is called "painting you black." She is trying to defend the indefensible - (her affair) - by painting you black. You, (the faithful partner/fiance) - is the "bad guy" in the big black 10-gallon hat! Who made her life a living hell! And she is so busted up about the end of the engagement she's already run into the arms of another guy at work. Hmmmm. Funny how that works. I dunno why this happens timchambo but it happens. Maybe she got spooked about the marriage part, maybe she has "Grass is Greener" syndrome, maybe she simply checked out on the relationship long ago, maybe she had that 7-year itch, either way the guy at work definitely is involved. So be it. I too became angry, depressed, sad, bitter, lonely. Seven years is a long time have her wake up beside you and then suddenly.. poof, she's gone. Worse is she cheated. Insult to injury. I know the feeling. So this is what I did when the same thing happened to me. I took advice from many people here and elsewhere: 1 - Your EX has now become an "Enemy of the State." She has left you for another man, so don't make someone a priority who only sees you as an option. She's off the reservation. Gonzo. Kaput. Tough pill to swallow. She is not your "friend" either. Friends don't throw other friends under buses. 2 - She's gonna do her thing, and you have to do your thing. Since she is painting you black your "thing" does not involve her "thing" anymore, ok? So go no contact. Get it? That means no emails, texts, phone calls, Crackbook stalking. NOTHING. She is black-holed, and you are a submarine hiding under the North Pole under radio silence. 3 - Resist all urges to contact her, don't write her any sappy bargaining letters or emails. You just end up looking like a pathetic douche. If she contacts you too bad, she dumped you remember? Read and delete all her future fishing expeditions. Never reply. It'll drive her nuts. 4 - Heal. Do what you like doing and go do it! She's no longer in the way. So beers with the guys it is until 4am! Not a problem. Golf... sure. Skiing? Why not. Go to a club? Absolutely. The Gym? Go Karts? Rock Climbing? Rollerblading? Hell ya. Toilet seat up? Definitely! The best thing for you now is to regroup and heal. Focus only on you. Wake up the guy she fell in love with 7 years ago and take him out for a test drive. No contact and healing is the best medicine for you. She's no longer an option. She's an EX. Take a vacation in your mind from her for a bit. ..and remember, she may have dumped you timchambo, but she dumped you into a HUGE pool of eligible women. Good luck. Ya its been no contact for over a month now. We still talk to each others family members so I guess through word of mouth there is some form of contact. I did the sappy letter thing about a week after the split. It resulted in some phone calls and texts which I eventually had to put an end to. I simply said I don't ever want to talk to her after what she done. Of course that ended up getting a response along the lines of "have a nice life. I didn't do anything wrong. I will be here as a friend when your ready". She can't really believe that can she? Wouldn't that classify her as some kind of sociopath? I have been doing good considering the circumstances. Been on a date or two, have gone days where she only pops in my mind a couple of times. Its just when I hear about the stuff she is saying it really makes me mad. If shes gonna cheat and all, she should certainly appreciate and respect me 1) as a human being, 2) as someone who provided her all these opportunities. When we had contact previously, she had totally different reasonings. She "wasn't in love" anymore. Needed to be single. Needed to learn how to take care of herself. It's the stuff she tells other people. When mutual friends ask her why she never brought up the "issues" to me she says its because she claims it would have caused a fight. I just wish she was exposed to everyone as who she really is, the way she has exposed herself to me now. This person she has revealed herself as is sooooo not the person I was in love with. It actually helped me move on quicker I think. I'm not sitting around missing that person. I don't feel bitter in the sense that the girl of my dreams doesn't want me anymore. It's more anger/hatred in the way I have been so disrespected.
Author timchambo Posted February 21, 2011 Author Posted February 21, 2011 The breakup is still fresh on your mind and for what she's done with you, your anger sounds justified. Eventually, maybe not now, I hope that you will one day grow to forgive her. It's experiences like these that make us into much better people if we let them. At this point I can't picture myself forgiving her. To me this is the person she truly is. My goal is to learn from this and try best not to let this situation cloud my view in a new relationship.
depplover_1980 Posted February 21, 2011 Posted February 21, 2011 Hi Tim, Isn't it just nonsensical and crushing? That our 'loved' ones could pretend and then betray in such a manner, that they weren't respectful to come and say 'hey I have a problem with the relationship'. This I suspect is where your biggest frustration lies; if you had been presented with her unhappiness, you could have had a chance to look at it together and see where you could pull it back together? You'd have gone out for special dates again, tried something spicy in the bedroom or brought her random flowers? Except she was a total WIMP of a person, fell for the slightest bit of attention thrown at her, then went behind your back - giving you no chance. It is the lack of control you were given over your situation. Are you into exercise Tim; if you already are I suggest taking up a new sport? If you're a novice get down the gym - or join a boxing club? Try and convert the negativity into something positive, using up that energy physically will take a bit of the weight out. The rest you have to sit through. I suggest you invest in some earplugs, or firmly tell the gossipers that you 'don't give a **** what she's saying'. Take solace that this little new relationship of hers won't last - the reason being it began in secrecy and lies, no basis for trust between them, it will eventually make them crumble. Act with dignity, go forward the best you can but also GIVE YOURSELF A BREAK. Feel whatver you need to because you've really had a tough time. My doctor told me that some break up patients look like they've been in a car crash - puffy face, bad posture, messy appearance because of the shock. So again, you are normal BUT you can assist your damage limitation from here on. Show her what she is missing and never take her back. Ever. You'll find someone very worthy one day, that is a promise. x
Mixed28 Posted February 21, 2011 Posted February 21, 2011 Hi Tim, Isn't it just nonsensical and crushing? That our 'loved' ones could pretend and then betray in such a manner, that they weren't respectful to come and say 'hey I have a problem with the relationship'. This I suspect is where your biggest frustration lies; if you had been presented with her unhappiness, you could have had a chance to look at it together and see where you could pull it back together? You'd have gone out for special dates again, tried something spicy in the bedroom or brought her random flowers? Except she was a total WIMP of a person, fell for the slightest bit of attention thrown at her, then went behind your back - giving you no chance. It is the lack of control you were given over your situation. Are you into exercise Tim; if you already are I suggest taking up a new sport? If you're a novice get down the gym - or join a boxing club? Try and convert the negativity into something positive, using up that energy physically will take a bit of the weight out. The rest you have to sit through. I suggest you invest in some earplugs, or firmly tell the gossipers that you 'don't give a **** what she's saying'. Take solace that this little new relationship of hers won't last - the reason being it began in secrecy and lies, no basis for trust between them, it will eventually make them crumble. Act with dignity, go forward the best you can but also GIVE YOURSELF A BREAK. Feel whatver you need to because you've really had a tough time. My doctor told me that some break up patients look like they've been in a car crash - puffy face, bad posture, messy appearance because of the shock. So again, you are normal BUT you can assist your damage limitation from here on. Show her what she is missing and never take her back. Ever. You'll find someone very worthy one day, that is a promise. x Yeah I hate it when they don't say anything. I was physically clingy but she didn't tell me to tone it down. it happens.
brokenheart311 Posted February 21, 2011 Posted February 21, 2011 I'm sorry you are going through this... I'm in a similiar boat. My ex walked out on me while pregnant after 6 years. He is in a relationship with someone else and apparently the relationship started out before I even knew there was a problem. He took this girl to company christmas party I could not attend and lied to me about who he was going with. A week later he was hanging all over me at his parents house over the Christmas holiday. Everyone thougt we were doing really well and were really happy.... Then BAM. He leaves. Stay strong. I was filled with anger at first too but then decided that this guy was not worth the space he was taking up in my head. I have hard days (like today) but for the most part, I know that I'm really the winner in all of this. I get a chance to find someone worthy of my love. You will get that chance too!
Author timchambo Posted February 21, 2011 Author Posted February 21, 2011 I'm sorry you are going through this... I'm in a similiar boat. My ex walked out on me while pregnant after 6 years. He is in a relationship with someone else and apparently the relationship started out before I even knew there was a problem. He took this girl to company christmas party I could not attend and lied to me about who he was going with. A week later he was hanging all over me at his parents house over the Christmas holiday. Everyone thougt we were doing really well and were really happy.... Then BAM. He leaves. Stay strong. I was filled with anger at first too but then decided that this guy was not worth the space he was taking up in my head. I have hard days (like today) but for the most part, I know that I'm really the winner in all of this. I get a chance to find someone worthy of my love. You will get that chance too! wow sorry to hear of your situation. thankfully its physically impossible for me to give birth. I really don't think there were any problems. Thats whats so frustrating. Maybe I am being naive, or just wishful thinking. Her closest friends right after the breakup were stunned. They were saying she never complained about anything to me etc.. This new guy has a more exciting profession I think. Didn't stop me from supporting her while she waited tables, which she was repeatedly fired from. Plus after 7 years I am sure she enjoyed the new attention from a man. I know I will be fine, I don't hurt anymore. I eat good, sleep good. It's just the anger. The betrayal by your "best friend" is one thing. But for her to look back after having cheated and left and to STILL sling mud after all that is just the most disrespectful thing I have ever seen. Especially after having taken care of her so well. Anyways I am bored of my own bitching now thanks for listening.
Call Me Al Posted February 21, 2011 Posted February 21, 2011 I had a girlfriend of 3 years once split with me, tell me she didnt find me attractive and hadnt for a while, and then signed up for match.com and would crash at other guys houses. This happened over the course of 3 weeks, and we lived together...so she would be so blunt as to TELL ME she was sleeping with other guys and be gone for a night or two. It is impossible to fully describe the level of intense hatred I had for her at the time. I was unaware I was capable of the level of rage I experienced. That was 2008. When I look back at her, I sort of chuckle now. Shes a very sad, broken person.
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