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Unique story of love (long but very detailed)


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Posted (edited)

Ok, I feel as though I should be as detailed as possible so everyone can understand my situation. If this ends up being really long, I apologize ahead of time.

 

First, I will let you guys know a little about me. I am 21 years old, and this relationship was my first "serious" one. I have changed much since high school so I will explain to you as to how. In high school, I was young and only wanted to "hook-up" with your average (skinny, attractive) girl. Please don't judge me...lol. My mother left when I was 3 so I grew up with my dad and my grandparents as an only child. I hate to admit it but you could say I was not raised perfectly. I grew up spoiled, selfish, immature, irresponsible, and never really learned proper manners.

 

About her: She is turning 21 on Monday, so I am about 4 months older. She has had a somewhat unhappy childhood from what she's told me. You must understand that her older sister is always getting compliments on how pretty she is while she is always complaining about her "weight" in front of my ex-girlfriend. My ex-girlfriend is about 180 and her sister is like 110 so you can see how that would affect her (especially for a girl to be insecure about her physical traits). For years, my ex-girlfriend was depressed. She grew up in a house with 3 other siblings (older sister, younger brother, and younger sister).

 

We came from very, very different backgrounds and childhoods as you can tell.

 

My ex-girlfriend has never really had guys give her attention while her older sister is being swarmed by them. When we met, she told me a guy asked her for her number at a bowling alley one day when she was about 16. This guy is 5 years older than her and lives in Chicago, IL. We live in a small suburb in Maryland. For about a year or so, they talked over the phone and over the internet. That's when she met me and stopped talking to this guy in Chicago, I guess thinking that it was just not rational with the distance and stuff. This is the only other guy to ever give her attention...in her life!

 

We started to hang out and stuff and at times I would be embarrassed to even go out in public with her. I would walk ahead of her at the mall. I know I was a f***in a**hole. As time went by, (about 8 months) she kept asking me, "What are we?", and "Are we dating?", etc. For a couple of months I avoided the questions until I finally realized one day that I was a f***in a**hole. I then made the decision to start dating her as by this time about a year had gone by and we had gotten to know each other even though I was worried about what my friends would say, etc. I was embarrassed to date her. At this point I made one of the biggest changes of my life. I manned up and I said f*** it and no longer cared what anyone thought and showed her how much I liked her by no longer being embarrassed by her. I showed her that, I didn't care if she was overweight...I only cared about her. From this point on, our relationship was strong, very strong.

 

A week after we started dating, I adopted a black lab puppy from a shelter. He was like our baby to us. He grew up inside our relationship. This was the first time my ex-girlfriend had ever been with a guy. I took her virginity and we were in love. Problems in the relationship started with me getting mad anytime her older sister would call her. I got mad because her older sister would take advantage of her weaknesses and constantly yelling/screaming at her and just overall being a bitch to her. This made me really mad as I had grown to love this girl with all my heart and to see a sibling mistreat her so badly, I was pissed. Also, we were always with each other...and I mean 6 days a week at the least. We were in love, and inseparable. I didn't want to lose her, which brought out jealousy, insecurity, immaturity, selfishness, etc.

 

She was also mad at the fact that I said I would quit smoking cigarettes multiple times and hadn't and the fact that I was NOT working and NOT going to school. Earlier in our relationship, I had made $18,000 in a couple hours in the stock market. Once that money was gone, she would be the money spender as she worked full time as a nanny for $15/hr. I guess all of those reasons combined and just not giving her the respect she deserved let to her breaking up with me. One day I decided to take a day trip with some friends to the beach while she went to work. I left at 9am and came home at 9pm when she got off work and had met me at my house. This was a bad night. She was really angry at me saying things like, "you just go on vacation every day...and I work!". Well at this time she was paying for everything so I guess I see the reasons there.

 

So she broke up with me, I guess on and off about whether she made the right decision. She said, "I can't imagine living my life without any contact with you. I would like to still be friends." We were still texting and talking about 2 weeks after the break up. I texted her saying, "do you want to call me tonight?, and she said, "yes in 20 minutes". Well 20 minutes later she texted me to tell me she was going to take a shower and head to bed. Well that didn't make sense to me. I had been with this girl every day for a year or so and she never went to sleep around this time which was like 10pm. So...I called her at like 12:30am and all I got was a call waiting ring. She called me back at 1am and I made her tell me what was going on. She said the guy from Chicago had called and he was going to fly down here and grab a hotel for a weekend where they could hang out. From what she has told me, she had only ever seen this guy once...and at this point I was pissed. I had felt that I was being cheated on, because I was still in love with this girl.

 

Long story short, he came to visit her for that weekend and they started dating shortly after. We broke up in the beginning of October, 2010. We have maintained contact...bad and good. She came over on my birthday October 19, when I cooked dinner (everything) and asked for another chance. I went on to explain to her that I was glad she broke up with me because It gave me time to think about and realize all my mistakes in the relationship. I tried to tell her, the break-up was the best thing. Since then, we have still talked and she has gone to Chicago to visit. She loves me, and we are meant to be. This guy in Chicago is 25 and has not graduated from college, and works to pay rent. I assumed if she was dating a 25 year old, he had money...cars...house...etc. The thing that worries me about this guy is he had been waiting for my ex-girlfriend for years and hasn't had a girlfriend since or ever. From what my ex-girlfriend tells me about him, I have a very strong feeling he is just telling her exactly what she wants to hear. I could be wrong though.

 

She came over the other night for about an hour since she wanted to see the dog before I had moved. I am moving into an apartment with a friend and she is also with her older sister. She gets along with her older sister a lot better nowadays.

 

This is a message from her after we fought on the phone after the break up.

 

October 14, 2010 at 1:24pm

I'm so upset after last night - this sorry doesn't suffice. I'm not pausing my life while you get yours together. I'm going to make choices for myself and do what I want to do.

 

Maybe further in the future we could rekindle things - but after last night, not annnnnyyyy time soon. It was just like a reminder of why I was miserable. You really can't make accusations like you did and then profess your love for me.

 

My question to all of you out there...How do I get back the one I let get away? Funny thing, love comes when you least expect it...This girl I had never thought of dating/relationship with her...but she actually turned out to be exactly what I wanted in a mate.

 

 

I sent her this message last night, to try to leave some kind of a door open as I went to her house in the day and returned some stuff she had at my house. I also got her a pair of socks from Victoria's Secret.

 

The message...

 

As I look back on all that has happened...growing up, growing together, changing you, and changing me...there were times when we dreamt together...when we laughed and cried together. As I look back on those days...I realize how much I will truly miss you and how much I truly love you. The past may be gone forever and what the future holds. Our todays make memories of tomorrow. Therefore, it is with all my heart that I send you my love... hoping that you’ll always carry my smile with you for all we have meant to each other and for what the future may hold.

 

 

People out there...how do I get back the love of my life without seeming needy, and desperate, etc. I need to come up with a plan to get my love back. I may be younger than most of you on this forum, but the love I felt is real. I feel as if I will never truly give up. Some good advice is needed. You can tell the love was real...and I have included just about every detail we have ever had in our relationship. Just looking for some opinions. Thanks everyone.

Edited by jwhan42
added some things
Posted

You move on, if she wants you back she will come back, believe me. But you need to move forward and continue to work on you.

Posted

Here's an example that i keep reading on the internet and in books..

 

If you were to walk on the streets, and you see a dog..

 

Dog#1

 

Scruffy, dirty, and run down, just generally bitter and morbit dog. Would you go close to this dog? Would you want to take the dog back home..

 

Dog#2

 

A well groomed dog, very cheerful and happy, but is lost with no collar. Would you go close to this dog? Would you want to take the dog back home...

 

Now hopefully you answer Dog#2, which means, if you work on yourself, physically and mentally stronger, this will make her think, BIG TIME!

Posted

go on with your life, try to improve, date others without guilt, if it meant to be you'll find a way

Posted
go on with your life, try to improve, date others without guilt, if it meant to be you'll find a way

 

I agree 100%, if she really loves you and you two are really meant to be together it will happen. Maybe not right away, but eventually you'll end up back together if you're supposed to be.

  • Author
Posted

Thanks everyone for letting me know I need to move on, and work on myself.

 

Thinking back on it now, had I had the "relationship experience" I do now...I would have seen this coming and would have really, really made it work.

 

I sent her this message a couple days ago...

 

As I look back on all that has happened...growing up, growing together, changing you, and changing me...there were times when we dreamt together...when we laughed and cried together. As I look back on those days...I realize how much I will truly miss you and how much I truly love you. The past may be gone forever and what the future holds. Our todays make memories of tomorrow. Therefore, it is with all my heart that I send you my love... hoping that you’ll always carry my smile with you for all we have meant to each other and for what the future may hold.

 

 

I know you guys are telling me to move on, and work on myself and that is exactly what I need to do. I talked to one of her closest friends a while ago and she told me the biggest reason she broke up with me was because she felt I had no direction (Was not working, or going to school at the time).

 

Is this the reason why she "loves me as a friend"?

 

I guess she "fell out of love" with who I was?

 

My plan as of now will be to get a job, and start working. Look completely different for when she sees me next.

 

She came over on Thursday night for about 30 minutes. The reason she came over was to see our dog that I had gotten at the start of our relationship. When she got here I had to lead her around the back of the house where it was muddy and stuff. I told her to step on the stones so she wouldn't get her shoes muddy. Right there, at that exact moment I heard the sweetest, recognizable tone in her voice when she said, "I can't see the stones." I had not heard her talk like that since we were happy and together. It was the purest voice I had ever heard.

 

I feel like now that I have introduced her to such a strong love, she will always need someone to love her especially taking into consideration her childhood, and unhappiness. I feel that her current relationship will take a while since It is long distance.

 

Guys, what do I do to get her back...not now but when the time is right. How can I correctly position myself for the best chance of getting her back. Honestly, I would do anything so I am open to any suggestions. What else can I do in the future to increase my chances of getting back with her.

 

1) Go to work and school, and start my life.

2) Change my behaviors. You guys must understand...I grew up an only child and lost my mother when I was three. I grew up spoiled, selfish, irresponsible, immature, etc. (This is a big reason in why I think she broke up with me). Our maturity levels were not on the same track. I am still working on these character traits of mine as they are not hard to break as they have been with me for my entire life. But, I know its very possible and I am starting to be a better, nicer person.

 

THE BIGGEST LESSON LEARNED

 

The biggest lesson I learned was to always treat people how you want to be treated. I have become an expert on "putting myself in other peoples shoes".

  • Author
Posted

I wished her a Happy Birthday yesterday, and it snowed last night so I told her to be safe. Even after we were broken up, I cannot hold myself to not at least text her on a day where it is snowing and tell her to be safe or to let me know if she needs help. She is not a good driver in the snow, and I am.

 

UGH! She had deleted me multiple times on her facebook, she deleted all comments and posts, pictures except she left the album up of our dog.

 

What advantages, disadvantages do I have in this position?

 

SO MANY QUESTIONS ON MY MINDDDDD!

Posted

Ok, there's nothing else you can do! Trust me, i've been down that road, and i've personally cracked down so many times..

 

You need to go NC! If you keep on messaging her, she'll always just think of you as a caring friend! She will not get the space and gap to actually miss you and evaluate the relationship!

Posted

 

Guys, what do I do to get her back...not now but when the time is right. How can I correctly position myself for the best chance of getting her back. Honestly, I would do anything so I am open to any suggestions. What else can I do in the future to increase my chances of getting back with her.

 

1) Go to work and school, and start my life.

2) Change my behaviors. You guys must understand...I grew up an only child and lost my mother when I was three. I grew up spoiled, selfish, irresponsible, immature, etc. (This is a big reason in why I think she broke up with me). Our maturity levels were not on the same track. I am still working on these character traits of mine as they are not hard to break as they have been with me for my entire life. But, I know its very possible and I am starting to be a better, nicer person.

 

THE BIGGEST LESSON LEARNED

 

The biggest lesson I learned was to always treat people how you want to be treated. I have become an expert on "putting myself in other peoples shoes".

 

Those are great starting places. I know when my ex and I were together I was leery of being with him because although he'd been in college for 2 years, he'd only finished one semester. :confused: And most girls like a guy who has direction, I know I did and still do. Secondly you gotta show her that you've changed. Words don't mean anything, actions do.

 

My ex told me he changed, and at first I didn't believe it. But from his actions I can see that he probably actually has this time. Well that and him profusely apologizing to me and not making excuses for himself anymore. Basically you just have to give this thing time. It may take months or even possibly years, for her to get back to a point where she'd even consider taking you back. Or it could never happen at all, but in the meantime you need to just work on yourself as a person with or without her.

  • Author
Posted

So yes, I have decided to go NC again...

 

We broke up at the start of October, and she has come over to visit me/dog a couple times. As far as NC goes, we had a lot of contact the first month after breaking up. She told me she would be seeing the guy in Chicago, so I went NC for a good month or two. She called me a couple times and left a couple voicemails.

 

 

Nov. 28

 

The first time she called me, I didn't pick up so she left a voicemail saying, "Hey, um sorry to call, um I was on my way back from CVS and I like was going by and I wanted to see if I could see Mason but...it doesn't matter because now I'm driving home so...you don't have to call back or anything because I'm probably just gonna read and go to sleep...so alright bye."

 

I let her see him a week later, and then went NC until Christmas where we exchanged "Merry Christmas".

 

We started exchanging calls from the end of December into January... when she brought up her boyfriend and I asked where she met him because she told me she had met him at a bowling alley and her brother told me she met him online. I mentioned this, and was just asking since I had not gotten a clear answer before. MISTAKE...she took it the wrong way and got pissed...I told her that I was moving and asked to see her face before I move.

 

We got into a little fight over that and she said she did not want me to call/text her anymore. I went NC here again except for days it would snow as I would text her telling her to please be safe (only because I truly love and worry about her). I accidentally called her in Early February and she texted me saying, "why did you call me?". I did not reply until a week later and told her I must have accidentally called her. Then I told her that I am getting rid of my dog, so If she wanted to see him to let me know. She texted me and said, "Ok" and then texted me again saying, "where are you moving?" and "where is Mason going?". We talked a little and tried to arrange a meet. She called me 2 nights in a row to see him but I was already asleep by the time she called. She texted me saying, "you haven't changed at all. you're completely unreliable." She also left a couple of voicemails telling me why she could not come over this day and that day, etc.

 

 

I KNOW everyone on here says NC and I completely agree and I will be going NC but with a history of contact that we've had I thought I'd share it. The last time we had contact was when I told her I had went to her house to drop off the rest of her belongings. I gave them to her mother and she looked surprised and sad to see me after such a long time. I loved her mom, I got her flowers for Mother's Day and she gave me a nice hug. I also gave her a pair of socks from Victoria's Secret I had bought for her a while ago and couldn't return. I texted her last on her birthday (Monday) and said Happy Birthday!!! I hope you are having fun and be safe (since it's snowing). The last couple of texts from her just say, "Thanks" or "Thanks for the socks."

Posted

She's still in that anger phase. She may love you deep down but right now she's very angry with you and probably how the beginning of the relationship went. I felt this way about my ex when we first broke up. One minute I'd be happy talking to him and then I'd think about the past and turn cold and I'd start to hate him. One thing it seems you have going for you is that that love/hate feeling isn't mutual for both of you. It was for me and it took at least a year and at least half a year of NC for us both to settle down and talk about our relationship and break up in a mature manner without being angry at one another.

 

So give her time and leave her alone for awhile. If she wants to talk she'll get in contact with you later on down the line. But keep working on yourself.

  • Author
Posted (edited)
She's still in that anger phase. She may love you deep down but right now she's very angry with you and probably how the beginning of the relationship went. I felt this way about my ex when we first broke up. One minute I'd be happy talking to him and then I'd think about the past and turn cold and I'd start to hate him. One thing it seems you have going for you is that that love/hate feeling isn't mutual for both of you. It was for me and it took at least a year and at least half a year of NC for us both to settle down and talk about our relationship and break up in a mature manner without being angry at one another.

 

So give her time and leave her alone for awhile. If she wants to talk she'll get in contact with you later on down the line. But keep working on yourself.

 

 

 

Recently, when we have talked on the phone it is me who wants to get right down to the point and talk about what we are talking about and it is she who decides to "save me for a conversation when she is on break from work or driving somewhere." When we were calling each other back and forth the other day to discuss when she would be coming to visit the dog, all i really wanted out of the phone call was a time she would be able to come by and visit. After I called her at work, she called me back and said, "hey, im getting food for the family" (she is a nanny) and continued to talk about things that were going on with the family...which she did a lot when we were dating and also keeping me on the phone while driving. She talked about her car going to the shop and said that one day she was going to get a Subaru. I replied, "A Subaru wrx?" and she said, "No, that is too much speed for me. [insert boyfriend name here] said he would get the wrx." After she said that, I said, "oh, ok" and moved the topic back to when she would be coming to see the dog.

 

I tried multiple times during the phone call to end it short, but at the same time I didn't want to be rude while she was in the middle of telling me a million things.

 

Is there a chance that this LDR that she is currently in is not as serious as it seems to be? She said before that she may move there or he may move down here. I don't see this happening anytime soon as she has plans to move in with her sister in April. I have been worried about her in the past and still to this day because I have a good feeling this guy she is dating was something that started online and is up to no good.

 

When you say, "One thing it seems you have going for you is that the love/hate feeling isn't mutual for both of you." what exactly do you mean?

 

Also, what are any other things I have going for me? That's something I'd like to know. :)

Edited by jwhan42
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