xOM is "doing it" with someone I know...why is this bothering me?

[whichwayisup]

I guess I can have a bit of fun thinking he is trying to get over me with another woman (one that gets around mind you) I am sure he did not have to work hard to get in the sack with her

 

This is what Owl meant by being pro active and cutting him out of your life. Not only NC, (no emails, calls, texts, driveby's) but you also need to do NC in your head. Entertaining those types of thoughts, will only make you think of him more. It might be easier to dismiss the obsession thoughts by telling yourself "my ego is driving me to this." You yourself said, this man has many flaws and he isn't one of character for a long term partner anyway. SO, why get upset and miss the guy so much when the jist of it is, it was an EA? hope this makes sense.

 

When you find yourself hurting and wondering what you meant to him, turn that around and think of how your H felt/is feeling. Again, not dismissing how you feel, but focussing on your H is more productive than the OM.

[Doing it Since '78]

This thread is evidence that once a woman cheats, the M is over-

[Untouchable_Fire]

Anyways, I wish this was not bothering me, and I wish I did not hear this information! Perhaps this is typical when as ex-whatever, moves on with someone else... *sigh* and I thought I was moving past this. Just another setback I guess,....

 

It shouldn't bother you at all. I don't care what my exes do.

 

I suppose as long as you have a husband to cheat on and children to ignore this type of thing will always hold your attention.

 

The fix is to make your life about something more than yourself. Grab onto some shared goals in life and begin working towards them. That way your focused on something productive and shared... and bigger than yourself.

[Hazyhead]

This thread is evidence that once a woman cheats' date=' the M is over-[/quote']

 

This really caught my attention, but don't want to thread-jack. Why do you think this, Doing it? Not arguing, just curious maybe a topic for a new thread?

[jthorne]

I can understand where it would be botherson when someone you had "relations" with was having "relations" with someone else.

 

But gracious, girl! Be thankful you are no longer being exposed to whatever germs and creepy crawlies...

[Snowflower]

He will always wonder what i would have been like though!

 

FG, this is not a good thing for you to be thinking about...not good for you or your marriage.

 

You know the saying, "don't go there!" Just don't!

 

This thread is evidence that once a woman cheats' date=' the M is over-[/quote']

 

I'm inclined to agree, from a woman's POV. But it is a topic for another thread.

 

This really caught my attention, but don't want to thread-jack. Why do you think this, Doing it? Not arguing, just curious maybe a topic for a new thread?

 

I'm also curious...

[Trimmer]

Perhaps this is typical when as ex-whatever, moves on with someone else... *sigh* and I thought I was moving past this.

Yeah, not that your situation isn't unique and special to you, but any time you break up with someone and then see them, and especially learn about a new relationship - anyone can relate to that. It has it's own textures, because of being an affair, and you being married and all, but it's not at all unusual.

 

I guess I can have a bit of fun thinking he is trying to get over me with another woman... He will always wonder what i would have been like though!

I think these thoughts are not a good way to cope with this, and I agree with WWIU here:

 

...you also need to do NC in your head. Entertaining those types of thoughts, will only make you think of him more.

Your continued thoughts about how he is trying to get over you and wondering what you would have been like only reinforces the past and your connection with him.

 

Alternately, you could focus on this:

You are right Hazy I AM lucky to still have my family intact after all this hell...

...and if thoughts of your OM do creep in, you give him no more thought than to be thankful that his departure from the scene is part of the luck that has delivered the current opportunity to reconnect and keep your family intact.

 

You said it yourself:

...no turning back...forward thinking..I need to move on.

[flowergirl77]

I can understand where it would be botherson when someone you had "relations" with was having "relations" with someone else.

 

But gracious, girl! Be thankful you are no longer being exposed to whatever germs and creepy crawlies...

 

Just to clarify AGAIN, I did not have "relations" with him at all. No creepy crawlies here.

[flowergirl77]

I agree..we should start a thread on "Doing it's" thoughts. Is a marriage always over once a woman cheats? Hope that is not the case for me...

[bentnotbroken]

I agree..we should start a thread on "Doing it's" thoughts. Is a marriage always over once a woman cheats? Hope that is not the case for me...

 

 

I don't think a marriage is always over when a woman cheats, but I do believe it might be harder to recover just based on personal observations.

[whichwayisup]

I agree..we should start a thread on "Doing it's" thoughts. Is a marriage always over once a woman cheats? Hope that is not the case for me...

 

It will be if you can't let go of the exOM. you have a husband who's willing to work with you, to fix things and to give you another chance to prove yourself to him. Together the marriage can be good again, but it takes TWO. If you're unwilling to move past the feelings for your exOM then your H doesn't have a chance.

[jthorne]

Just to clarify AGAIN, I did not have "relations" with him at all. No creepy crawlies here.

My apologies.

However... if you consider the staggering number of EA's that turn into PA's... I still think you dodged a bullet.

[Woggle]

I agree..we should start a thread on "Doing it's" thoughts. Is a marriage always over once a woman cheats? Hope that is not the case for me...

 

With all due respect I think this marriage is over. You couldn't care less about your husband who from all accounts seems like he is crazy about you but you are tearing yourself up over a man who already has moved on to the next conquest. It's only a matter of time before this marriage dies. Sorry to be harsh but it is the truth.

[ladydesigner]

With all due respect I think this marriage is over. You couldn't care less about your husband who from all accounts seems like he is crazy about you but you are tearing yourself up over a man who already has moved on to the next conquest. It's only a matter of time before this marriage dies. Sorry to be harsh but it is the truth.

 

flowergirl only YOU know if your marriage is over. I have been told the same thing over and over again here and guess what... I'm Still Married! and lovin' every day of it!

 

There are going to be times that you have a setback, I still get them, but not over pining for XOM, now it is more of hatred for XOM. I need to let go of my anger. I'm always stuck in hatred and then indifference then back to hatred. I do not have ANY fond memories of my XOM anymore.

 

One day none of this will matter. Hang in there!

Edited February 23, 2011 by ladydesigner

[notagame]

With all due respect I think this marriage is over. You couldn't care less about your husband who from all accounts seems like he is crazy about you but you are tearing yourself up over a man who already has moved on to the next conquest. It's only a matter of time before this marriage dies. Sorry to be harsh but it is the truth.

 

It amazes me to see these folks on this forum acting as if they're going through pain while they're BSs are in the dark. I'm so glad fate gave me the chance to find out who my wife really was.

[ladydesigner]

I'm sorry what forum are we in?

[Woggle]

flowergirl only YOU know if your marriage is over. I have been told the same thing over and over again here and guess what... I'm Still Married! and lovin' every day of it!

 

There are going to be times that you have a setback, I still get them, but not over pining for XOM, now it is more of hatred for XOM. I need to let go of my anger. I'm always stuck in hatred and then indifference then back to hatred. I do not have ANY fond memories of my XOM anymore.

 

One day none of this will matter. Hang in there!

 

You cheated to get back at him cheating. You had every reason to be resentful of your husband while it was not the best way to get him back it is more understandable. From what she says the OP has a faithful and loving husband who has given her no reason to be resentful and she just happened to have fell for another man. He is bending over backwards yet still there are no feelings. What more evidence is needed to show this marriage is dying?

[ladydesigner]

You cheated to get back at him cheating. You had every reason to be resentful of your husband while it was not the best way to get him back it is more understandable. From what she says the OP has a faithful and loving husband who has given her no reason to be resentful and she just happened to have fell for another man. He is bending over backwards yet still there are no feelings. What more evidence is needed to show this marriage is dying?

 

The marriage may be dying but only flowergirl and her H would know that. It takes a lot of time to get a M back on track. She is still fresh out of an EA and her H knows. She is doing all of the right steps to fight for her M. A's are like an addiction, it takes time for those addictions to die. Ultimately it is up to the BS if they want to wait for the WS to come back to them or as most would probably refer to "coming out of the fog." Flowergirl's H has a choice, she is very lucky to have a H who is willing to overlook the EA.

[Woggle]

If she is so lucky to have him then she sure is not acting like it and that is why I think this marriage is doomed.

[ladydesigner]

It amazes me to see these folks on this forum acting as if they're going through pain while they're BSs are in the dark. I'm so glad fate gave me the chance to find out who my wife really was.

 

These folks aren't acting as if they are going through pain, they are in pain just as you were. I know it's hard to understand from a BS perspective (I am a FBS and a WS) because it is a selfish pain what the WS goes through, but still pain nonetheless. If it wasn't painful many would not be posting here. This forum is often a great place to get out those feelings, painful and confusing, that often conflict with what a BS feels.

[Woggle]

It is real pain but self inflicted pain. It's similiar to being an addict. Addiction is real but people choose to take that first hit. After having lived with an addict and a cheater who seemed to have no desire whatsoever to pull herself whatsoever out of the hole she dug for herself I am out of sympathy for people like this. My sympathy lies with the people around them who did nothing wrong but are still dragged down into the abyss with them.

[ladydesigner]

It is real pain but self inflicted pain. It's similiar to being an addict. Addiction is real but people choose to take that first hit. After having lived with an addict and a cheater who seemed to have no desire whatsoever to pull herself whatsoever out of the hole she dug for herself I am out of sympathy for people like this. My sympathy lies with the people around them who did nothing wrong but are still dragged down into the abyss with them.

 

 

I completely understand this. I couldn't agree more.

[carhill]

OP, I'd like to suggest enlisting the cooperation of your friends in supporting your NC and focus on your M.

 

'As I'm working to save my M, I'd prefer to not hear any news of this person as it distracts me from this work'

 

This presumes these 'friends' are aware of your EA. If not, the appropriate tactic is to change the subject, politely.

 

"Why" is essentially a function of having an emotional affair. It goes to the elemental part of who you are. It's a lot different than just dumping a load or getting an ego feed. I don't recall how long this went on, but, given what I've read in this thread and another thread I responded to, it sounds substantial in depth, if not scope.

 

Have you talked about this with your psychologist? IMO, if you're in recovery, there's no reason not to be transparent with your H about these feelings in that place (MC). Get it all out and work it. If you're both willing and still love each other, you can succeed. I hope you do.

[Woggle]

Much of it is selfish pain as well. They are angry because their ego has been bruised. They realize they can't make the OM/OW fall in love with them and it makes them feel horrible. Everything is about their feelings and their emotions and their self esteem. It is all them while the person they betraying that really loves them is treated like a week old burnt piece of bacon.

[flowergirl77]

It will be if you can't let go of the exOM. you have a husband who's willing to work with you, to fix things and to give you another chance to prove yourself to him. Together the marriage can be good again, but it takes TWO. If you're unwilling to move past the feelings for your exOM then your H doesn't have a chance.

 

I hear you..and I am working on finding my way back to my H. I WANT xOM out of my head!! I really, really do. I want that part of my life gone. There were some good memories and some fun times with him, but the pain and misery it has caused has been unreal.