xOM is "doing it" with someone I know...why is this bothering me?

[flowergirl77]

I just saw friends last night who work with xOM. One of them mentioned that there is gossip going around that xOM is having a side thing with another woman that also works in the same building. I know this woman, and have spent some time with her-enough to know she "puts out" with many different men at the same time-so I am really not at all surprised by this-BUT I am obsessing again. It is bothering me. It is ridiculous though! It's like I am mourning it all over again..and I am thinking she is getting what I never got from him..the physical part..as i am sure it is not an emotional connection knowing her history.

 

Anyways, I wish this was not bothering me, and I wish I did not hear this information! Perhaps this is typical when as ex-whatever, moves on with someone else... *sigh* and I thought I was moving past this. Just another setback I guess,....

[whichwayisup]

You have to see this as ego hurting. He's moved on and not pining over you anymore.

 

In the long run, it's good he's not focussed on you. I know it bugs you, but do your best not to let this get to you. Your H and family are much more important than what exOM is doing now in his life.

 

Does this mutual friend know about you and exOM? if so, tell her to stop telling you stuff about him.

[tami-chan]

Why shouldn't it bother you? You are not an unfeeling woman, you are not someone who just has random sex with anybody...so of course this would bother you...it is normal. Now , don't dwell on it....

[East7]

I just saw friends last night who work with xOM. One of them mentioned that there is gossip going around that xOM is having a side thing with another woman that also works in the same building. I know this woman, and have spent some time with her-enough to know she "puts out" with many different men at the same time-so I am really not at all surprised by this-BUT I am obsessing again. It is bothering me. It is ridiculous though! It's like I am mourning it all over again..and I am thinking she is getting what I never got from him..the physical part..as i am sure it is not an emotional connection knowing her history.

 

So typical. Pure Ego hurt and jealousy.

You are having hot (hysterical rebound) sex with H; why is it bothering you what xOM is doing in his life ?

[bentnotbroken]

I just saw friends last night who work with xOM. One of them mentioned that there is gossip going around that xOM is having a side thing with another woman that also works in the same building. I know this woman, and have spent some time with her-enough to know she "puts out" with many different men at the same time-so I am really not at all surprised by this-BUT I am obsessing again. It is bothering me. It is ridiculous though! It's like I am mourning it all over again..and I am thinking she is getting what I never got from him..the physical part..as i am sure it is not an emotional connection knowing her history.

 

Anyways, I wish this was not bothering me, and I wish I did not hear this information! Perhaps this is typical when as ex-whatever, moves on with someone else... *sigh* and I thought I was moving past this. Just another setback I guess,....

 

 

The only thing that you know for sure is that you are still married and still pining. Other than that you only speculate and you probably would be better off not doing that too much longer if you want to save your family.

[wheelwright]

I just saw friends last night who work with xOM. One of them mentioned that there is gossip going around that xOM is having a side thing with another woman that also works in the same building. I know this woman, and have spent some time with her-enough to know she "puts out" with many different men at the same time-so I am really not at all surprised by this-BUT I am obsessing again. It is bothering me. It is ridiculous though! It's like I am mourning it all over again..and I am thinking she is getting what I never got from him..the physical part..as i am sure it is not an emotional connection knowing her history.

 

Anyways, I wish this was not bothering me, and I wish I did not hear this information! Perhaps this is typical when as ex-whatever, moves on with someone else... *sigh* and I thought I was moving past this. Just another setback I guess,....

 

Francesco Alberoni says that if you give up a true love for altruistic reasons you are forever doomed to search for that love again through others. It will be empty. Many As may occur, and that's ok, because they have no emotion so they don't rock the boat.

 

It's not a nice comfort, but if your Ap was a love and not a player, he will not be gaining much from these encounters.

 

And if he is, why then he is a player and you'd best forget him.

[lostandhopeful]

I say count your blessings that you are still married to your H after all you have put him through and that you aren't hearing about your H new GF from your children, now that would be something that would be tough.

 

Focus on what is important and not trivial at this point, you and your family.

[Owl]

It bothers you because it shows you how little his relationship with you really meant to him.

 

You were "replaced" in some regard relatively quickly/painlessly on his part.

 

Use that pain to show you what the real basis for this whole thing was, and move on to recover your marriage.

[OWoman]

It bothers you because it shows you how little his relationship with you really meant to him.

 

...or how much!

 

There are stories on LS where OWs react to the bus accident by rushing out and jumping some arb guy's bones to banish thoughts of their fMM whooping it up in hysterical bonding with his BW, or to hit back at him, or to try to break the stranglehold the fMM has over her emotions / hormones / body, or whatever else motivates someone to seek to exorcise the memory of one lover with another.

 

It may hurt to witness if one thinks one has been tossed aside and forgotten so easily... or it may hurt to realise that one really mattered to someone who has now set off on a path of self-destruction and easy sex to deal with their heartbreak.

 

It matters because one has not yet become completely disengaged and uninterested.

[Owl]

...or how much!

 

There are stories on LS where OWs react to the bus accident by rushing out and jumping some arb guy's bones to banish thoughts of their fMM whooping it up in hysterical bonding with his BW, or to hit back at him, or to try to break the stranglehold the fMM has over her emotions / hormones / body, or whatever else motivates someone to seek to exorcise the memory of one lover with another.

 

It may hurt to witness if one thinks one has been tossed aside and forgotten so easily... or it may hurt to realise that one really mattered to someone who has now set off on a path of self-destruction and easy sex to deal with their heartbreak.

 

It matters because one has not yet become completely disengaged and uninterested.

 

Again...this could be, but to me it doesn't seem likely given the situation that the OP described.

 

And if the situation you've described IS the case...then OP absolutely needs to back out of it. She's already chosen to focus on rebuilding her marriage (per her other threads). His motivation for sleeping with someone else becomse a moot point...she needs to drop any/all focus on him, and focus instead on her chosen goal.

[Emme]

Oh he knew you would find out. He doesn't really search does he. Just whatever is at his feet. He is still messing with your head. All you have to think about this are you willing to go behind this woman and have relations with him again.

[neveragain1]

I just saw friends last night who work with xOM. One of them mentioned that there is gossip going around that xOM is having a side thing with another woman that also works in the same building. I know this woman, and have spent some time with her-enough to know she "puts out" with many different men at the same time-so I am really not at all surprised by this-BUT I am obsessing again. It is bothering me. It is ridiculous though! It's like I am mourning it all over again..and I am thinking she is getting what I never got from him..the physical part..as i am sure it is not an emotional connection knowing her history.

 

Anyways, I wish this was not bothering me, and I wish I did not hear this information! Perhaps this is typical when as ex-whatever, moves on with someone else... *sigh* and I thought I was moving past this. Just another setback I guess,....

 

wouldn't you be happier not being married? why are you married if you are going to pine over another man, or be hurt that he has moved on?

 

your husband doesn't deserve this.

[OWoman]

She's already chosen to focus on rebuilding her marriage (per her other threads). His motivation for sleeping with someone else becomse a moot point...she needs to drop any/all focus on him, and focus instead on her chosen goal.

 

I don't disagree with this. But I guess to some extend some lingering thoughts may be inevitable. I would not have been freaked out if my H had wondered on fleeting occasions how his xW was, despite having chosen to dump her and commit to our M. (Of course, if he wondered about her sex life :sick: I would have had to book him in for urgent psychiatric evaluation...)

[Owl]

Actually, I agree with that, OWoman. It's entirely reasonable and expected that there will be "lingering thoughts".

 

But there probably SHOULDN'T be enough focus on the former affair partner to warrant posting about it on LS.

 

If she's 'lingering' that much...she needs to focus on changing her mindset some...

 

Again...pretty much my opinion, and as such not worth any more than any other opinion.

[Woggle]

This is what OM do. The sex supply dries up so they go elsewhere. I am sorry if that sounds harsh but that is what it is.

 

Also I would just divorce your husband already. You don't love him and are pining after another man so stop putting him through this torture.

[carrie999]

This is what OM do. The sex supply dries up so they go elsewhere. I am sorry if that sounds harsh but that is what it is.

 

Also I would just divorce your husband already. You don't love him and are pining after another man so stop putting him through this torture.

 

I don't know the story here, but from FG's original post, I took it to mean that she had an EA with OM, it never got physical in the first place, and it ended because she wanted to make it work with H and her family.

 

Sounds to me like OM had intense feelings for her and is rebounding by having fun with someone who is likely to satisfy him physically without hurting him emotionally, since she's the type to fool around and keep it light. This doesn't sound unreasonable, and her jealousy is not unreasonable, either.

 

FG, as long as you're honest about acknowledging your feelings and dealing with them, you're not doing a disservice even to your marriage by feeling this hurt. If you dwell on it, it may tell you to reconsider your feelings about your marriage. But jealousy is perfectly natural. When you break up with anyone and see them move on, it's not easy, even if you ended it.

[Distant78]

I mean this in a serious uninsulting way: Why are you still married to your husband? Why do you keep hurting him, your family unit, and ultimately yourself? It's obvious you don't care so just divorce him and continue slobbing over your OM. You gotta stop with this behaviour.

[flowergirl77]

I don't know the story here, but from FG's original post, I took it to mean that she had an EA with OM, it never got physical in the first place, and it ended because she wanted to make it work with H and her family.

 

Sounds to me like OM had intense feelings for her and is rebounding by having fun with someone who is likely to satisfy him physically without hurting him emotionally, since she's the type to fool around and keep it light. This doesn't sound unreasonable, and her jealousy is not unreasonable, either.

 

FG, as long as you're honest about acknowledging your feelings and dealing with them, you're not doing a disservice even to your marriage by feeling this hurt. If you dwell on it, it may tell you to reconsider your feelings about your marriage. But jealousy is perfectly natural. When you break up with anyone and see them move on, it's not easy, even if you ended it.

 

Yes..correct. I had an EA..and I do believe he did have feelings for me. Maybe not as intense as mine were, but I know he cared for me. Thanks for the supportive words. I am trying not to dwell on it though, I am focusing on getting through this depressive episode and working on my MG. I wasn't expecting this, and am surprised how this is affecting me.

[YellowShark]

It really boils down to this. You had feelings for the OM. Since it's ended he's moved on to another woman. You feel bad because you thought you were special. And hearing about OM having fun with another woman hurts inside. Because you wish it was still you.

 

Well he's moved on, and so you must move on too flowergirl77. You weren't special to him, just another OW for him in what sounds like a long line of OW. So don't look back and wonder what if, move forward.. and evolve past this adventure... and focus on you, your husband, and healing.

 

All the best.

[whichwayisup]

Yes..correct. I had an EA..and I do believe he did have feelings for me. Maybe not as intense as mine were, but I know he cared for me. Thanks for the supportive words. I am trying not to dwell on it though, I am focusing on getting through this depressive episode and working on my MG. I wasn't expecting this, and am surprised how this is affecting me.

I'm not telling you to deny how you feel, but, try not obsess about it. The bigger picture is, you trying to reconnect with your H. Trying to save your marriage and keep your family together under one roof.

[Hazyhead]

Flowergirl, the way I look at it is, it doesn't matter why he's moved on to another woman, what matters is how you deal with the news. You still have your husband, which is fantastic, use this information to help you move on - to give you the kick up the a$$ you might need to really try to put him behind you. He is trying to move on. Let him and you try to do the same. I do understand how you feel; it would hurt me too, but long run it might be a good thing.

 

Hugs,

Hazy

[flowergirl77]

It really boils down to this. You had feelings for the OM. Since it's ended he's moved on to another woman. You feel bad because you thought you were special. And hearing about OM having fun with another woman hurts inside. Because you wish it was still you.

 

Well he's moved on, and so you must move on too flowergirl77. You weren't special to him, just another OW for him in what sounds like a long line of OW. So don't look back and wonder what if, move forward.. and evolve past this adventure... and focus on you, your husband, and healing.

 

 

All the best.

 

 

Thanks for the kind words..

 

Yes, I guess that is what it is...I thought I WAS special to him..hopefully hard to get over kind of thing. I risked my marriage and family getting involved with him..he gets off free as a bird. Still has his job, and gets to play around while I am here trying to clean up the mess my A with him has left. I am focusing on healing and fixing my MG..I just hate that the xOM is still in my head.

[Owl]

I just hate that the xOM is still in my head.

 

This is a pretty common issue for MM/MW after an affair.

 

The question is...what are you doing to kick him outta there?

 

Are you and your H attending MC together, to work through the issues that led to your affair and those caused by it?

 

Have you removed OM from your life? Prevented any access from him, prevented yourself from having access to him? How did you get the information about his activities with this other girl...and what are you doing to prevent yourself from getting any further updates about him?

 

Do you have ANY kind of interaction with him at all? See him at work, drive past his house because it's on your way home, etc...?

 

Here's the thing, my friend. You need to take ACTIVE MEASURES to remove him and rebuild your marriage.

 

What are you doing now that fills the time/energy void left where you spent time/energy interacting with him?

 

Last thoughts...excersise. Wearing yourself out physically so you CRASH at the end of the day can prevent you from laying there thinking about him at the end of the day. And finally...when you catch yourself thinking about him...mentally "change the channel" to something else.

 

Hope this helps.

[flowergirl77]

Flowergirl, the way I look at it is, it doesn't matter why he's moved on to another woman, what matters is how you deal with the news. You still have your husband, which is fantastic, use this information to help you move on - to give you the kick up the a$$ you might need to really try to put him behind you. He is trying to move on. Let him and you try to do the same. I do understand how you feel; it would hurt me too, but long run it might be a good thing.

 

Hugs,

Hazy

 

 

You are right Hazy I AM lucky to still have my family intact after all this hell, but it is like a punch in the gut...it has been difficult again for me, after finding out about this. I wish I didn't know! Now I feel set back a bit...obsessing about it. But yes, no turning back...forward thinking..I need to move on.n I guess I can have a bit of fun thinking he is trying to get over me with another woman (one that gets around mind you) I am sure he did not have to work hard to get in the sack with her! I can stay proud knowing I did not go there, and we did not have sex. He will always wonder what i would have been like though!

[Hazyhead]

You are right Hazy I AM lucky to still have my family intact after all this hell, but it is like a punch in the gut...it has been difficult again for me, after finding out about this. I wish I didn't know! Now I feel set back a bit...obsessing about it. But yes, no turning back...forward thinking..I need to move on.n I guess I can have a bit of fun thinking he is trying to get over me with another woman (one that gets around mind you) I am sure he did not have to work hard to get in the sack with her! I can stay proud knowing I did not go there, and we did not have sex. He will always wonder what i would have been like though!

 

Good for you, flowergirl! A great way to think about it. I know it's like a punch in the gut - past partners can do that to us, affair or not. BUT the pain will get less, I promise. He will wonder about you and him doing this doesn't mean that he's over you so easily, you know that, but you have to train yourself not to think about it. Do something fun and comforting with your husband and family tonight - channel your energy into them.