This is the truth ...

[willpower]

according to Willpower!

 

If you here then your heart is most likely aching and all you want to do is whatever it takes to get your ex back in order to make the heart ache go away.

 

There are a whole bunch of people that are willing to sell you solutions to your problem via websites or ebooks that claim to "get your ex back in 5 easy steps". They wont.

 

You need to face this, you have been dumped for one of 2 reasons:

 

1. Something is bothering your partner to such an extent that whatever amount of feelings they have left for you they are willing to hurt themselves by getting you out of their life. This means that the issue is pretty fundamental and its going to take lots of time and effort and change to even have a crack at fixing it. It may be easier to walk away and find someone new depending on the issue. Also if they are willing to dump you over it and go through that pain of losing you then they sure as hell are not going to take you back on a whim.

 

2. They have found someone else who at this moment interests them more that you do. They are now ready to start up a new adventure with this new person. You have to take this on the chin, you stand little chance here.

 

So the truth is there is little you can do to get them back IMMEDIATELY as either you have a big problem in the relationship which is going to take time to fix or they need to go and see the new person and either realise what a poor option you were or indeed how foolish they have been to leave you.

 

What you can end up doing is a whole bunch of things which will drive them away for good and leave a real bad taste in their mouth.

 

By all means tell them your feelings, in a clear and straight manner, clear the air and if you are in the first group talk to them about if this issues can be resolved (but do not promise a change).

 

If you tell them this and they still want to break your best bet is to limit any further damage, leave them on as good terms as possible and break the contact. There is so much good info written on here about NC and why it will help you to get better so go read it.

 

 

One of the things I could not get my head around when my ex split was why my offering to resolve our issues did not bring her back to the bargaining table. The answer was that she already had an interest in another guy (she was straight and told me this) but it still did not compute in my head as during our relationship she was always the one pressing me for more commitment and more time together. I would say she showed me more love than I showed her - but the bottom line is all that goes out of the window once someone new is on the scene. The only thing you can do in this case is leave on good terms, retreat and pull contact. You must assume the ex has found the best person ever and they will end up marrying them, having kids with them and growing old with them. Tell youself that even if it makes you the saddest person on the earth. It will keep you sane long term.

 

 

Then you can move on. Will they every come back? Who knows, you'll find examples of people who have been apart for years and then got back together again, they are in a very small statistical minority so assume its not going to happen.

 

Retain your self respect and get ready for the healing process. Its going to be hard but the sooner you enter it the sooner you will get out the other side.

 

If you have read this and your not eating or sleeping you'll likely be thinking "I'm in the minority who will get my ex back". Please try to internalise that everyone thinks that, and the longer you hold onto it the longer you will be in a messed up state. Bare minimum know that thinking that will keep your head in a state of flux and that your thoughts cannot possibly have any impact on your ex's feelings at all so changing your thought to something more positive like "I can now meet new people, hooray!" will have a chance of improving your mood and will not have any negative impact at all on your ex's impression of you.

 

Just my opinion.

WillPower

[kaygato]

according to Willpower!

 

If you here then your heart is most likely aching and all you want to do is whatever it takes to get your ex back in order to make the heart ache go away.

 

There are a whole bunch of people that are willing to sell you solutions to your problem via websites or ebooks that claim to "get your ex back in 5 easy steps". They wont.

 

You need to face this, you have been dumped for one of 2 reasons:

 

1. Something is bothering your partner to such an extent that whatever amount of feelings they have left for you they are willing to hurt themselves by getting you out of their life. This means that the issue is pretty fundamental and its going to take lots of time and effort and change to even have a crack at fixing it. It may be easier to walk away and find someone new depending on the issue. Also if they are willing to dump you over it and go through that pain of losing you then they sure as hell are not going to take you back on a whim.

 

2. They have found someone else who at this moment interests them more that you do. They are now ready to start up a new adventure with this new person. You have to take this on the chin, you stand little chance here.

 

So the truth is there is little you can do to get them back IMMEDIATELY as either you have a big problem in the relationship which is going to take time to fix or they need to go and see the new person and either realise what a poor option you were or indeed how foolish they have been to leave you.

 

What you can end up doing is a whole bunch of things which will drive them away for good and leave a real bad taste in their mouth.

 

By all means tell them your feelings, in a clear and straight manner, clear the air and if you are in the first group talk to them about if this issues can be resolved (but do not promise a change).

 

If you tell them this and they still want to break your best bet is to limit any further damage, leave them on as good terms as possible and break the contact. There is so much good info written on here about NC and why it will help you to get better so go read it.

 

 

One of the things I could not get my head around when my ex split was why my offering to resolve our issues did not bring her back to the bargaining table. The answer was that she already had an interest in another guy (she was straight and told me this) but it still did not compute in my head as during our relationship she was always the one pressing me for more commitment and more time together. I would say she showed me more love than I showed her - but the bottom line is all that goes out of the window once someone new is on the scene. The only thing you can do in this case is leave on good terms, retreat and pull contact. You must assume the ex has found the best person ever and they will end up marrying them, having kids with them and growing old with them. Tell youself that even if it makes you the saddest person on the earth. It will keep you sane long term.

 

 

Then you can move on. Will they every come back? Who knows, you'll find examples of people who have been apart for years and then got back together again, they are in a very small statistical minority so assume its not going to happen.

 

Retain your self respect and get ready for the healing process. Its going to be hard but the sooner you enter it the sooner you will get out the other side.

 

If you have read this and your not eating or sleeping you'll likely be thinking "I'm in the minority who will get my ex back". Please try to internalise that everyone thinks that, and the longer you hold onto it the longer you will be in a messed up state. Bare minimum know that thinking that will keep your head in a state of flux and that your thoughts cannot possibly have any impact on your ex's feelings at all so changing your thought to something more positive like "I can now meet new people, hooray!" will have a chance of improving your mood and will not have any negative impact at all on your ex's impression of you.

 

Just my opinion.

WillPower

 

Omg thank you this is what I needed to hear. My ex broke up with me for reason number 1, kept me on a string for 3 months, and then after dumping me for the final time got a new girlfriend 3 weeks later.

 

"You must assume the ex has found the best person ever and they will end up marrying them, having kids with them and growing old with them." ----> I really, really needed to hear this. I need to stop telling myself that this is just a rebound.

 

I just feel so ****ty now. I feel like my ex is pretty insecure to just go jump into a new relationship instantly. I mean, isn't the common advice to learn to be happy on your own instead of getting a new gf/bf? It makes me so upset, and just makes me want to go find someone new for revenge and because it's such a huge blow to my ego. But it doesn't seem right because my feelings for him aren't gone. I don't want to make someone else feel as badly as I do right now, either.

[makelemonade1974]

This is so true. And know that it DOES get better. I've been through the not eating / sleeping part. I lost 15 lbs post breakup and I was a size 4 to begin with. I used to WANT to go to sleep just so I could dream I was with him; then I would cry when I woke up. The initial pain is like withdrawal from a drug. You have to change your habits, routines, the ways you comfort yourself, the people you turn to for support, and even your worldview. It is a complete life overhaul and it takes time.

 

I'm 5 months out, and while it still hurts occasionally and there is sometimes still messiness to deal with, my life does not feel like it is ending like it did in those first few weeks. I love him still and I don't have much closure, but I know what happened and I know that not being with him is the best thing for ME and that is what is important.

 

For those of you who are just starting out on this journey, know that it is a life-changing experience that will inevitably be beneficial to YOU as a person, to your character. You will be stronger and better before this is over. Hang in there. Ride the waves of pain and anger, meditate, exercise, sleep, cry on the phone to your close friends or family, do whatever it takes. And know that every time you contact your ex, you will be going back to the first day of that journey.

 

((hugs))

[shrop]

that really is a great post, why didnt I read this three weeks ago, today seems like the first day of my break up (im going no contact today)

[imyuinny]

So true! Should have posted this way earlier to get me out of that rut... this is an enlightening post for people who are still confused (like me) about what happened.

 

1. Something is bothering your partner to such an extent that whatever amount of feelings they have left for you they are willing to hurt themselves by getting you out of their life. This means that the issue is pretty fundamental and its going to take lots of time and effort and change to even have a crack at fixing it. It may be easier to walk away and find someone new depending on the issue. Also if they are willing to dump you over it and go through that pain of losing you then they sure as hell are not going to take you back on a whim.

 

This is what most people need to hear or read when the breakup is a bitchslap! Thank you for writing that, it made a whole lotta sense