Soxfaninfl Posted February 20, 2011 Posted February 20, 2011 (edited) I've been separated from my wife for 11 months now. I miss her and still love her. She wants the divorce and is no longer in love with me. Our issues were money and communication. We also grew apart. I tried counseling with her but she quite. I tried separation, but that didn't work either. I see a couselor on a regular basis too. I met a woman on 1/9/11. I see her every other week when I don't have my 7 year old son with me. I even sleep over at her place when I don't have my son. I'm living with my parents. She went through a divorce 4 years ago after 8 years of marriage, so she know my pain. I like her alot and we have alot in common. Our conversations at times are very intimate, and we have told each other alot of intimate things about each other in such a short time. My problem is I still love my wife and want a chance still to reconcile and want my family back together. I even sent her two *emails within the last week asking still for a chance but with no replies*from her. I'm so conflicted if I should continue or end the relationship with this new woman. She has no kids and doesnt want any of her own. I do and I don't want more kids. I really like this women, but I'm afraid of hurting her if I can't fall in love with her because I still love my wife. My counselor has advised me that it's too soon, but why should I end my relationship with this woman if my wife never wants to reconcile ever. I don't want to hold out and be alone if my wife never wants to reconcile. We've been married for 10 years. Any advise will be appreciated. Edited February 20, 2011 by Soxfaninfl
Yasuandio Posted February 20, 2011 Posted February 20, 2011 There are a number of ways to spin this. With the current set of curcumstances, having a companion during this difficult time could help you get through it if it is indeed doomed. However, if you want to reconcile before or even after a divorce, you'd best keep the relationship platonic. Because your wife will eventually find out, and you'll have a whole nother can of worms to sort out. I mean, how would you feel if the situation were reversed? On the otherhand, if your wife realizes that you are "moving on" that may be a huge wake up call for her (but don't count on it, as it could end up being the final nail in D'coffin). As for the OM, you have been honest I presume, with your feelings, right? She is available, unmarried, and an adult. Sounds to me that you are still hoping for reconcilation, and that you still deeply love your wife. Therefore, I'd play it safe. Experienced forumm members will advise you on how to direct this to your advantage if it's possible. From my POV, the OW can serve as a kind understanding friend and sounding board, that has given your self esteem a little boost. Perhaps be each other's sounding board only (via telephone). See what other posters say.
Author Soxfaninfl Posted February 20, 2011 Author Posted February 20, 2011 (edited) There is no other man. I have asked her several times, and her friend which she pissed off said that she is not seeing anyone. Her friend told her that she is nuts and that I'm a nice guy and that I really love her. She told her friend that she doesn't love me and wants the divorce and feels that she can't fall back in love with me. She is overweight and has medical issues, so she's not real attractive the way she is right now. That didn't matter to me because I loved her not matter what. She is my first love. I have kept my relationship with this other women quiet, and she has agreed not to go out in public with me until my divorce is final. I'm afraid what my wife would say or do if she found out. Again I didn't want to divorce. I believed in till death do us part. Edited February 20, 2011 by Soxfaninfl
YellowShark Posted February 20, 2011 Posted February 20, 2011 Let's say you applied for a job and didn't get it. Would the company appreciate a bunch of letters from you after-the-fact still begging for the position? Nope. It would turn them off further. It's the same with your EX wife. Since you've clearly stated she never wants to reconcile ever I would grant her her wish. Move on, see where this *new* woman leads you. She may be a better fit than the EX. Best of luck.
Author Soxfaninfl Posted February 20, 2011 Author Posted February 20, 2011 Let's say you applied for a job and didn't get it. Would the company appreciate a bunch of letters from you after-the-fact still begging for the position? Nope. It would turn them off further. It's the same with your EX wife. Since you've clearly stated she never wants to reconcile ever I would grant her her wish. Move on, see where this *new* woman leads you. She may be a better fit than the EX. Best of luck. You make a good point. Should she become angry if she changed her mind and I told her I was seeing someone? She wanted the divorce and didn't want to reconcile at all.
Author Soxfaninfl Posted February 20, 2011 Author Posted February 20, 2011 As for the OW you have been honest I presume, with your feelings, right?. No I have not told this other woman that I am still in love with my wife. Plus, I don't think that is something that she wanted to hear. I did tell her that I didn't want the divorce. I told her that I care for my wife, but I wasn't in love with her anymore. I figured my feelings will eventually pass, but I don't know how long it will take. I will always want my family back together.
YellowShark Posted February 20, 2011 Posted February 20, 2011 You make a good point. Should she become angry if she changed her mind and I told her I was seeing someone? She wanted the divorce and didn't want to reconcile at all. It doesn't matter if your EX gets angry that you are dating. She's the one who ended it and doesn't want you back. Ok. Fine. Give her what she wants. Now it is up to you to evolve and move on without her. And if she has a problem with that then too bad. You're not waiting around for her to decide if you can have a life anymore. Sure it would be wonderful to have the family all back together under one roof all happy. But the reality is you will never make it happen if your wife sees a weak, pathetic loser who is wasting his life pining over her. So remember that guy she fell in love with? Wake him up from his coma and date the new gal. Have fun. Move on. Maybe it's the wakeup call your EX needs. And then again maybe not. Either way you win. Good luck.
Author Soxfaninfl Posted February 21, 2011 Author Posted February 21, 2011 You are correct Yellowshark. If it happens in the future that her and I are meant to be then we will get back together.
Yasuandio Posted February 21, 2011 Posted February 21, 2011 No I have not told this other woman that I am still in love with my wife. Plus, I don't think that is something that she wanted to hear. I did tell her that I didn't want the divorce. I told her that I care for my wife, but I wasn't in love with her anymore. I figured my feelings will eventually pass, but I don't know how long it will take. I will always want my family back together. OK. She's well aware she's hang'in with a man, on the rebound, that is not divorced, and prefers not to go through with the divorce. That's straight up enough for me. If this woman is giving you comfort and pleasure I am totally with Yellow Shark, enjoy her company. But do bear in mind this could prompt some attention from your wife. And I'd say, per her doom and gloom responses to your multiple requests for reconcilation, that your "personal relationship" with the new girl is now, and never will be any of her business. [Remember that, because if she ever learns the details, you'll never hear the end off it for the rest of your days.]
Author Soxfaninfl Posted February 21, 2011 Author Posted February 21, 2011 (edited) OK. She's well aware she's hang'in with a man, on the rebound, that is not divorced, and prefers not to go through with the divorce. That's straight up enough for me. If this woman is giving you comfort and pleasure I am totally with Yellow Shark, enjoy her company. I told the OW that I didn't want the divorce, and my stbx didn't want to reconcile. I told her that I wanted the divorce to be final, so I could move on with my life. I told the OW that I dont date to fail at a relationships and not worry that I really liked her and wanted a LTR and eventually remarry. Edited February 21, 2011 by Soxfaninfl
YellowShark Posted February 21, 2011 Posted February 21, 2011 I told the OW that I didn't want the divorce, and my stbx didn't want to reconcile. I told her that I wanted the divorce to be final, so I could move on with my life. I told the OW that I dont date to fail at a relationships and not worry that I really liked her and wanted a LTR and eventually remarry. Just be straight up with your *new* gal and don't get too invested. Don't get clingy or needy. Give yourself time to heal. Help your son make it through this transition in his life. He's number one, you're number two, the new woman is number 10 on the list. Ok? Keep it light and uncomplicated until you are: A) over your wife, B) have settled in your own place, and C) this woman is ready to commit. That will take as long as you make it Soxfaninfl. Meanwhile heal and evolve, don't stay stuck in a rut. If your EX sees you doing really well without her not only will it bug her because she realizes you don't need her to be happy, you"ll realize you don't need her to be happy. And you don't. Good luck.
Author Soxfaninfl Posted February 21, 2011 Author Posted February 21, 2011 Thanks Yellowshark for your advice.
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