jen_r Posted February 20, 2011 Posted February 20, 2011 I need guidance. This time I have no one to talk to because I refuse to A) Let anyone know I met up with my Ex and B) Let people know what happened. My ex and I met up last night after being broken up a little over a month. After a night of drinking he told me he had hung out with this girl who was a MAJOR issue with us for along time. So, I stormed out of the bar and took a cab back to his place where my car was - my keys were in his house and I was locked out. So I had to wait around until he came back. We go inside and talk and I beg him to tell me if he slept with this girl. I was crying and pleading for the truth - he said no. We ended up sleeping together. In the middle of the night I went through his phone (don't judge - I dont care if this was wrong or not!!). I saw texts between them flirting and talking about cuddling and whatever. I saw that he signed up for a dating site and exchanged photos with people. I saw that he went on a weekend getaway with this girl & her friends (I've been with the kid for 2years and I couldn't get him to go away anywhere with me). Now. He says he wants me back and is willing to risk his neck with his family (long story) to be with me. I ask one more time "Did you touch E****?" LONG PAUSE. "Yea." He tells me he slept with her. Listen, I know we were broken up, but how can you say you were tortured and still loved me while you were banging this chick? He wants me back, but the thought that he was intimate with someone else and after 2 years hes the only man ive ever been with, i just dont think I could ever get past that. I feel as though that that is a deal breaker for me. Am I crazy? Would you look past that? Would you be okay with it? Would you get back with him knowing he was intimate with someone else while you were faithful (even while broken up)?
Rose T Posted February 20, 2011 Posted February 20, 2011 I need guidance. This time I have no one to talk to because I refuse to A) Let anyone know I met up with my Ex and B) Let people know what happened. My ex and I met up last night after being broken up a little over a month. After a night of drinking he told me he had hung out with this girl who was a MAJOR issue with us for along time. So, I stormed out of the bar and took a cab back to his place where my car was - my keys were in his house and I was locked out. So I had to wait around until he came back. We go inside and talk and I beg him to tell me if he slept with this girl. I was crying and pleading for the truth - he said no. We ended up sleeping together. In the middle of the night I went through his phone (don't judge - I dont care if this was wrong or not!!). I saw texts between them flirting and talking about cuddling and whatever. I saw that he signed up for a dating site and exchanged photos with people. I saw that he went on a weekend getaway with this girl & her friends (I've been with the kid for 2years and I couldn't get him to go away anywhere with me). Now. He says he wants me back and is willing to risk his neck with his family (long story) to be with me. I ask one more time "Did you touch E****?" LONG PAUSE. "Yea." He tells me he slept with her. Listen, I know we were broken up, but how can you say you were tortured and still loved me while you were banging this chick? He wants me back, but the thought that he was intimate with someone else and after 2 years hes the only man ive ever been with, i just dont think I could ever get past that. I feel as though that that is a deal breaker for me. Am I crazy? Would you look past that? Would you be okay with it? Would you get back with him knowing he was intimate with someone else while you were faithful (even while broken up)? Hi Jen! So sorry you're going through this rollercoaster but let's have a look at the situation. 1. He's your ex. The rule "no sleeping with your ex" exists to keep your mind clear when you're trying to make difficult decisions. Now you've been there of course you're confused and want to be with him... but you need to focus on the facts. 2. He lies to you. I don't know much about your break-up, but he's lied to you over this girl - who was a huge issue for you (red flag) and he's all over the dating sites. He wants to keep you as an option. Do you want that? 3. The point isn't really if he slept with someone else on a break, the important issues here are how healthy was your previous relationship, why you broke up and if you can trust him. If all of these three issues point to the negative then you need to keep walking away. I know it's hard - especially after last night. Everyone has to start somewhere with no contact, returning single, acknowledging that a relationship is over and that you have to move on. Make today that day. You deserve better.
Author jen_r Posted February 20, 2011 Author Posted February 20, 2011 Hi Jen! So sorry you're going through this rollercoaster but let's have a look at the situation. 1. He's your ex. The rule "no sleeping with your ex" exists to keep your mind clear when you're trying to make difficult decisions. Now you've been there of course you're confused and want to be with him... but you need to focus on the facts. 2. He lies to you. I don't know much about your break-up, but he's lied to you over this girl - who was a huge issue for you (red flag) and he's all over the dating sites. He wants to keep you as an option. Do you want that? 3. The point isn't really if he slept with someone else on a break, the important issues here are how healthy was your previous relationship, why you broke up and if you can trust him. If all of these three issues point to the negative then you need to keep walking away. I know it's hard - especially after last night. Everyone has to start somewhere with no contact, returning single, acknowledging that a relationship is over and that you have to move on. Make today that day. You deserve better. Our relationship was not healthy. Far from it. But, all I ever wanted was for him to want me back and want to work on our relationship and now he does, but I feel like its ruined - hes been inimate with someone else. I just need to know if you think thats a forgivable act? I know, we were broken up....its just haunting my mind.
romcalyla Posted February 20, 2011 Posted February 20, 2011 There is a chance that after you broke up, he used this girl as a rebound. I've learned that people cope with break ups in different ways. Some keep to themselves while others look for anyone who can fill that gap... even if it's for a moment. He may have lied to you about it because he was regretful and didn't want to hurt you. Sometimes people make mistakes that don't necessarily round out who they really are. They do things while under the influence of intense sadness or feelings of inadequacy or loss. Have you guys talked about what led him to do this? I think it's important to sit down and really discuss what you guys were emotionally going through during that month break and how it reflects on what you feel right now. If you say that your relationship was not healthy though, then you must decide if getting back together is the best thing for you guys. In the end though, all that matters is how you feel about the whole circumstance and if you're willing to work with it and forgive or stand your ground and move on.
Author jen_r Posted February 20, 2011 Author Posted February 20, 2011 ^^^I don't know what to do. Thats why I'm asking. Am I crazy for not wanting to be with him because he slept with someone else on a break???
Author jen_r Posted February 20, 2011 Author Posted February 20, 2011 Anyone? I'm really torn. Do I look past this, does it even matter? Is it childish to hold that against someone?
Rose T Posted February 20, 2011 Posted February 20, 2011 Jen, my feeling is that him sleeping with someone else on the "break" is just the tip of the iceberg. *If* your relationship was really good and you were inexplicably on a break and he slept with someone else, I suppose you could look past it. But if your relationship was really strong, you wouldn't have been on the break in the first place. You've already said that the other girl is someone who created huge issues for you when you were together. It's not just about forgiving or coping with the idea of him having slept with someone else. You have to look at the bigger picture - all the problems in your relationship, all the red flags in his character. I know you're hurting right now and would love to take him back, but you may just be setting yourself up for heartache further down the line. Look at the whole relationship, not just this episode. Does he deserve you? Is he trustworthy and committed to building a healthy relationship with you?
Author jen_r Posted February 20, 2011 Author Posted February 20, 2011 Jen, my feeling is that him sleeping with someone else on the "break" is just the tip of the iceberg. *If* your relationship was really good and you were inexplicably on a break and he slept with someone else, I suppose you could look past it. But if your relationship was really strong, you wouldn't have been on the break in the first place. You've already said that the other girl is someone who created huge issues for you when you were together. It's not just about forgiving or coping with the idea of him having slept with someone else. You have to look at the bigger picture - all the problems in your relationship, all the red flags in his character. I know you're hurting right now and would love to take him back, but you may just be setting yourself up for heartache further down the line. Look at the whole relationship, not just this episode. Does he deserve you? Is he trustworthy and committed to building a healthy relationship with you? No, he doesn't deserve me. At this point, no he is not trustworthy. I can't even drag up the relationship right now because it gives me a headache. People cheat on each other and get back together all the time right? So, is it not really a big deal that he slept with someone while we weren't together?
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