jenna-ann Posted February 20, 2011 Posted February 20, 2011 Hi, I don't really know where to begin. I am seeing a MM and have been for a year. In recent months he has changed a lot and I just want your opinion on whether you feel I am being unreasonable. The following has been happening- if I ask to see him say in the upcoming days he gets very impatient with me and sometimes shouts at me. He thinks I am making an issue of things and not appreciating the time we have. If I try and discuss how I feel I get told I am going on and if I don't change the subject he will either shout and/or threaten to walk away from me. This will normally lead to me crying/feeling terrible. The atmosphere will then be terrible. He will go silent and withdraw affection and sit there and kind of freeze me out. There has also been the issue of communication in general. If I don't reply straight away to a question I'll be accused of not listening. If I don't reply to a text straight away I get accused of ignoring him or being up to something. Sometimes the texts are very hard on me. I have been told I am always getting upset and there must be something wrong with me. I was speaking to a friend of mine and she said that it is unlikely he will ever change back to the person he used to be. That he is now going to stay like this. I don't know what I can do to bring the person I love back. I really don't know what to do any more. I sometimes see him and the person I fell in love with is back and then I wonder if it is just a phase. I have tried explaining how I feel but I don't know if he understands. He just listened and said okay. I don't know what more I can do. I would appreciate advice please. I really want to make things better between us.
Woman In Blue Posted February 20, 2011 Posted February 20, 2011 "Make things better" in what way? You're either way younger than this creep because it sounds like he's constantly trying to manipulate you into behaving the way HE wants, or he's just a lying, manipulative a*sshole who sees you as nothing more than a piece of meat. In either event, he has ZERO - and I mean ZERO - respect for you. Stop trying to jump through hoops for this loser in the hope of getting a doggie treat and a pat on the head. You should concentrate your energies on a guy who can actually OFFER you something other than lame text messages or scream at you that you don't 'appreciate' the lousy 40 minutes a week he carves out for you. Why are you settling for such a loser?
East7 Posted February 20, 2011 Posted February 20, 2011 This guy is 1-married, 2-keeping you as a side dish, 3- feeding you crumbs...(did I forget anything else?) and on top of that he is being a needy arrogant j*rk with you ? And you want to make things work with him ? Jeez.. why are you doing this to yourself ?
Heather1 Posted February 20, 2011 Posted February 20, 2011 Hi, I don't really know where to begin. I am seeing a MM and have been for a year. In recent months he has changed a lot and I just want your opinion on whether you feel I am being unreasonable. The following has been happening- if I ask to see him say in the upcoming days he gets very impatient with me and sometimes shouts at me. He thinks I am making an issue of things and not appreciating the time we have. If I try and discuss how I feel I get told I am going on and if I don't change the subject he will either shout and/or threaten to walk away from me. This will normally lead to me crying/feeling terrible. The atmosphere will then be terrible. He will go silent and withdraw affection and sit there and kind of freeze me out. There has also been the issue of communication in general. If I don't reply straight away to a question I'll be accused of not listening. If I don't reply to a text straight away I get accused of ignoring him or being up to something. Sometimes the texts are very hard on me. I have been told I am always getting upset and there must be something wrong with me. I was speaking to a friend of mine and she said that it is unlikely he will ever change back to the person he used to be. That he is now going to stay like this. I don't know what I can do to bring the person I love back. I really don't know what to do any more. I sometimes see him and the person I fell in love with is back and then I wonder if it is just a phase. I have tried explaining how I feel but I don't know if he understands. He just listened and said okay. I don't know what more I can do. I would appreciate advice please. I really want to make things better between us. Does he do this out of guilt? He's probably flip flopping & it's really common. I don't really understand being posessive though? I want to say crazy people make you feel crazy. I'm guessing he has two women crying all the time, and he's the common denominator. If you weren't like this before in R, he's probably doing something to cause this. All I can suggest is to keep your feelings to yourself, or make it so you can take him or leave him. This is not a situation where you get to be needy or have many rights. I had to put my heart in a spot where he couldn't get to it anymore, kinda sad, but survival. This just isn't a normal R where you have give & take & can call any shots.
jj33 Posted February 20, 2011 Posted February 20, 2011 Jenna welcome to the forum. He yells at you? I would stop returning his calls. He can only treat you that way if you let him. If you step back then he will either have to collect his thoughts and apologize or he wont. If he thinks you should be grateful for what he can offer he should think again. He should be grateful too. It should be a shared joy in the time you spend together. Step back a little bit. Let him show you he appreciates you. Its no different than any other relationshop in that regard. he may be stressed over the complications of juggling his life but he shouldnt be taking it out on you.
joey66 Posted February 20, 2011 Posted February 20, 2011 Hi Jenna. I am sorry that your MM is behaving badly. I think your friend is right. He's never going to be who he was before. I suspect that "who he was before" was an act, a show to impress and attract you. What you see now is probably the real him. I'm sorry.
Carrot2000 Posted February 20, 2011 Posted February 20, 2011 Jenna, yelling, mind games, jealousy, and emotional withdrawal are all tactics of an emotionally abusive man. A man like this can easily manipulate you into thinking you are doing something wrong and that everything--including his reactions to you--are your fault. Abusive relationships are never abusive in the beginning; if they were, you wouldn't get involved in the first place. The initial sweetness you experienced earlier in your relationship is how they reel you in. Your friend is right; if you continue to stay with this man because you think he will change and start treating you well, think again. An abusive man does not change without first recognizing his abusive patterns and getting help. I don't care how much you love him, the way he is treating you is not okay.:mad:Right now this man has your heart and mind so twisted that you are focused on making things better between the two of you while overlooking the fact that he is married. The more time you spend in this relationship, the more it will eat away at your self-esteem. Get out of this relationship now. It's not going to get better.
PeachyPink Posted February 20, 2011 Posted February 20, 2011 Hi Jenna-Ann, His attitude has probably changed as your expectations of him have changed. It is natural for a person to want to have unfettered access in a romantic relationship. His circumstances keep him from offering you that. If you change your expectations to that at the beginning, his attitude will change accordingly. You are asking for more than he can or will offer you, so to him, you are being unreasonable. Accept what he offers or end it and find someone who can.
Carrot2000 Posted February 20, 2011 Posted February 20, 2011 Hi Jenna-Ann, His attitude has probably changed as your expectations of him have changed. It is natural for a person to want to have unfettered access in a romantic relationship. His circumstances keep him from offering you that. Yet he expects unfettered access to her. This man is abusive and manipulative. Jenna, please dump this jackass and move on.
awkward Posted February 20, 2011 Posted February 20, 2011 I think you are being unreasonable. You want more from him than he can give you. He is married. You want him to be healthy and happy with you but that isn't who he is. So I'd say your expectations are unreasonable. It is reasonable to expect him to continue to behave in the same manner. He isn't treating with you respect. Regardless of all the other issues in this relationship including him being married, the fact that he doesn't respect you is all you should need to close that door.
BB07 Posted February 20, 2011 Posted February 20, 2011 Jenna, yelling, mind games, jealousy, and emotional withdrawal are all tactics of an emotionally abusive man. A man like this can easily manipulate you into thinking you are doing something wrong and that everything--including his reactions to you--are your fault. Abusive relationships are never abusive in the beginning; if they were, you wouldn't get involved in the first place. The initial sweetness you experienced earlier in your relationship is how they reel you in. The man you are getting glimpses of right now is who he really is. Please dump his sorry azz right now or you will be inviting a world of hurt and pain into your life for many years. Please read up on abusive relationships, don't just take our word for it. Don't fool yourself into thinking this guy is just misunderstood and if you were different, he would be different. If ever this was a situation that someone needed to run from, this is IT. Please get out NOW!
Calli Posted February 20, 2011 Posted February 20, 2011 Your heart and your emotions are involved and that's why it is hard to see the harsh reality of things. At the end of the day this man is married and you are his secret. If I could give you any advice, end it. Don't waste any more of your time with this man. Please find an available man, one that is not married. You are worth it.
bentnotbroken Posted February 20, 2011 Posted February 20, 2011 The man you are getting glimpses of right now is who he really is. Please dump his sorry azz right now or you will be inviting a world of hurt and pain into your life for many years. Please read up on abusive relationships, don't just take our word for it. Don't fool yourself into thinking this guy is just misunderstood and if you were different, he would be different. If ever this was a situation that someone needed to run from, this is IT. Please get out NOW! His actions should lead you not only run like you have on gas undies and he is the match. It is highly probable that you are getting a portion of the abuse his wife gets. Abuse can only be hidden for so long before the abuser displays the characteristics they are most comfortable with. When we are angry, stressed or afraid we go to our comfort zone...his is abuse. Move on and learn.
IzzyB Posted February 20, 2011 Posted February 20, 2011 OP, Carrot is exactly right. This is classic behavior of an emotionally and possibly physically abusive man. He fits the profile. Get yourself to a bookstore or library and read all you can on domestic violence and abusive men. THey dont walk around with a big A for azzhat on their shirts. THey are in disguise initially and the most sweet loving people AT FIRST. Symptoms: 1. He started out sweet and giving and I'm sure made you feel amazing. 2. He slowly changed before you even realized what was happening 3. He makes you doubt yourself 4. He makes it YOUR fault no matter what he does or says 5. He Yells at you over the dumbest things 6. He pulls away and removes affection often 7. He makes you think there is something wrong with you. 8. just when you think you cant take anymore he becomes sweet and loving again - for a short time. There is much more but you get the idea. A good gage for any healthy romantic relationship (barring how healthy and Affair can be!) is whether you would allow a girlfriend to treat you the same way your romantic partner does. Usually the answer is no. Im sure, as a previous poster mentioned, that he treats his wife terribly as well. The fact that you are staying with him and doubting yourself indicates a bunch of healing you need to do that has nothing to do with him. Run, dont walk, to a therapist and get your self esteem in check. These relationships are horribly addictive in that the AM (abusive man) has an incredible gage for knowing exactly how much abuse is too much and if he feels you getting strong and pulling away, he will turn back on the charm and recreate all the fuzzy feelings reminding you of why you fell in love with him in the first place. They can read their "victims" incredibly well. Just remember abusers need victims. If you are not a victim he cant touch you. You will find that if you step away and get some help before it escalates, you will not have the feelings for him that you thought you did. Good luck.
IzzyB Posted February 20, 2011 Posted February 20, 2011 His actions should lead you not only run like you have on gas undies and he is the match.. I cant help but laugh. That is a very good analogy!
whichwayisup Posted February 20, 2011 Posted February 20, 2011 if I ask to see him say in the upcoming days he gets very impatient with me and sometimes shouts at me. He thinks I am making an issue of things and not appreciating the time we have. If I try and discuss how I feel I get told I am going on and if I don't change the subject he will either shout and/or threaten to walk away from me. This will normally lead to me crying/feeling terrible. The atmosphere will then be terrible. He will go silent and withdraw affection and sit there and kind of freeze me out. Sorry, I stopped reading after this paragraph. Let me ask you, if this guy was single and treating you this way, yelling at you, making you feel unimportant and on the bottom of his priority list, would you put up with this? So, if your answer is no, then WHY on earth are you hanging onto this MM? He treats you like CRAP and you're taking it! Why? This isn't love. Maybe for you it is, but for him, sorry to be harsh here, but he just sees you as his side dish and someone he can come to when HE feels like it, on his terms and time frame. Seems the A has played out and now he's just using you. This isn't a man inlove or someone who is planning to leave/divorce his wife and be with you. Please, for your own mental health, end it. No good can come of this if you choose to stay in the affair.
OWoman Posted February 20, 2011 Posted February 20, 2011 I think you are being unreasonable. You want more from him than he can give you. He is married. You want him to be healthy and happy with you but that isn't who he is. So I'd say your expectations are unreasonable. It is reasonable to expect him to continue to behave in the same manner. I don't think you are being unreasonable. Your expectations of a R with a MM should be no different from your expectations of a R with a SG if that is what you have both agreed to. His being M has nothing to do with him treating you like rubbish - there is no universal law that says MMs have to treat OWs like rubbish, and most don't. If you allow him to treat you like that, he will continue to do so.
SuzieWong Posted February 20, 2011 Posted February 20, 2011 This man brings shame to you with his childish ways. He must know your worth and treat you with respect. If he does not why do you need him? Plenty fish in the sea. No man worth compromising your dignity. He must apologise and change his ways or he should lose your love.
BeachBetty Posted February 21, 2011 Posted February 21, 2011 I don't know what more I can do. I would appreciate advice please. I really want to make things better between us. You cannot make things better. For a r to work, it takes two people working toward it. I don't tolerate being shouted at and neither should you. If he starts that again, tell him you will not talk to him until he can be calm. And it sounds like you need to renegotiate the terms of your R. He cannot just expect you to hang on his every word and be happy with not seeing him often. State your needs. And expect him to work toward meeting you half way.
seren Posted February 21, 2011 Posted February 21, 2011 Hi, I don't really know where to begin. I am seeing a MM and have been for a year. In recent months he has changed a lot and I just want your opinion on whether you feel I am being unreasonable. The following has been happening- if I ask to see him say in the upcoming days he gets very impatient with me and sometimes shouts at me. He thinks I am making an issue of things and not appreciating the time we have. If I try and discuss how I feel I get told I am going on and if I don't change the subject he will either shout and/or threaten to walk away from me. This will normally lead to me crying/feeling terrible. The atmosphere will then be terrible. He will go silent and withdraw affection and sit there and kind of freeze me out. There has also been the issue of communication in general. If I don't reply straight away to a question I'll be accused of not listening. If I don't reply to a text straight away I get accused of ignoring him or being up to something. Sometimes the texts are very hard on me. I have been told I am always getting upset and there must be something wrong with me. I was speaking to a friend of mine and she said that it is unlikely he will ever change back to the person he used to be. That he is now going to stay like this. I don't know what I can do to bring the person I love back. I really don't know what to do any more. I sometimes see him and the person I fell in love with is back and then I wonder if it is just a phase. I have tried explaining how I feel but I don't know if he understands. He just listened and said okay. I don't know what more I can do. I would appreciate advice please. I really want to make things better between us. Jenna, It doesn't matter if he is M or S, he is a bully. Perhaps this is the man he really is, perhaps this is how he is at home and perhaps now that you and he have been together for a year the veneer has worn off him and this is how he is. What should be obvious is that he is doing this time and time again and no one should have to put up with that. You know, it sounded very like the time of gaslighting in A's when the WS tells the BS that they are this or that and tries to make them feel they are at fault for everything. It isn't right for anyone to have to put up with this. I hope you realise that it is he that should be trying to put things right, not you. Take care
fooled once Posted February 21, 2011 Posted February 21, 2011 Hi, I don't really know where to begin. I am seeing a MM and have been for a year. In recent months he has changed a lot and I just want your opinion on whether you feel I am being unreasonable. The following has been happening- if I ask to see him say in the upcoming days he gets very impatient with me and sometimes shouts at me. He thinks I am making an issue of things and not appreciating the time we have. If I try and discuss how I feel I get told I am going on and if I don't change the subject he will either shout and/or threaten to walk away from me. This will normally lead to me crying/feeling terrible. The atmosphere will then be terrible. He will go silent and withdraw affection and sit there and kind of freeze me out. There has also been the issue of communication in general. If I don't reply straight away to a question I'll be accused of not listening. If I don't reply to a text straight away I get accused of ignoring him or being up to something. Sometimes the texts are very hard on me. I have been told I am always getting upset and there must be something wrong with me. I was speaking to a friend of mine and she said that it is unlikely he will ever change back to the person he used to be. That he is now going to stay like this. I don't know what I can do to bring the person I love back. I really don't know what to do any more. I sometimes see him and the person I fell in love with is back and then I wonder if it is just a phase. I have tried explaining how I feel but I don't know if he understands. He just listened and said okay. I don't know what more I can do. I would appreciate advice please. I really want to make things better between us. I think he is showing you who he is and you have tried to romanticize who he is, which is why the real him you are seeing is not the person you want/need him to be. This is him. The yelling, screaming, inpatient, verbally and emotionally abusive married man is who he is. In the beginning, he was courting you, wanting you to have an affair with him. Of course he was on his "best behavior" - because if he showed you the real him - this guy - you would not be with him, I am assuming. All you can do is decide if this is who you want to continue to put up with. If you are okay with how he treats you, if you are okay with how rude and hostile he is, and if you can accept that this is who he is..then things will carry on. If you do not want this type of person, then tell him see ya and move on with your life I can't image he is a very fun person to be with
Glutton4Punishment Posted February 22, 2011 Posted February 22, 2011 Not to completely repeat what's already been said but remember who YOU are...You ARE NOT his wife, therefore you really have no say-so. Even if in your mind she doesn't exist, in real life, the one he goes home to, she does. When you are involved with a MM you take what you can get. Don't like the situation, find someone who is not committed their life to someone else. It sounds harsh but sometimes it's the harshness of words that gets through to us...Hope you are well.
tami-chan Posted February 22, 2011 Posted February 22, 2011 Yes, Jenna-Ann, listen to SuzieWong. This man must lose your love. Let his wife straighten him out!
carrie999 Posted February 22, 2011 Posted February 22, 2011 Hi, I don't really know where to begin. I am seeing a MM and have been for a year. In recent months he has changed a lot and I just want your opinion on whether you feel I am being unreasonable. The following has been happening- if I ask to see him say in the upcoming days he gets very impatient with me and sometimes shouts at me. He thinks I am making an issue of things and not appreciating the time we have. If I try and discuss how I feel I get told I am going on and if I don't change the subject he will either shout and/or threaten to walk away from me. This will normally lead to me crying/feeling terrible. The atmosphere will then be terrible. He will go silent and withdraw affection and sit there and kind of freeze me out. There has also been the issue of communication in general. If I don't reply straight away to a question I'll be accused of not listening. If I don't reply to a text straight away I get accused of ignoring him or being up to something. Sometimes the texts are very hard on me. I have been told I am always getting upset and there must be something wrong with me. I was speaking to a friend of mine and she said that it is unlikely he will ever change back to the person he used to be. That he is now going to stay like this. I don't know what I can do to bring the person I love back. I really don't know what to do any more. I sometimes see him and the person I fell in love with is back and then I wonder if it is just a phase. I have tried explaining how I feel but I don't know if he understands. He just listened and said okay. I don't know what more I can do. I would appreciate advice please. I really want to make things better between us. I'm sorry, hon, but you could post this on any board (not just here) and get the same response: RUN!!!!! I don't care if you were terrible to him and I'm only hearing your side of the story...if he's yelling at you and treating you badly, this relationship is doomed.
Author jenna-ann Posted February 22, 2011 Author Posted February 22, 2011 Hi, Sorry it has taken me so long to reply. Thank you for all the replies. I didn't tell you my thoughts about what has been happening as I wanted you all to tell me about what you thought. I will be honest now. I have already looked up sites on emotional abuse. I have already been reading what they say but I couldn't be sure if it was just me feeling down about stuff or whether there really was a chance this has been happening to me. I must say it never used to be like this but it is increasingly the case if I try to discuss my feelings he gets cross. Even if I don't go about it the right way all I am trying to do is talk. I can't pretend I don't see some familiar things when I read about it. It may not be as bad as some of the stuff I read but I do think I am not always been treated fairly. I tried recently to have a conversation about where things are heading. I am told that I am a soulmate and loved etc but then told he is not sure about being with me one day. It seems to contradict to me. I'll admit my behaviour has been difficult in that I do get upset a lot but that is frustration and I don't think I deserve a hard time for hurting from him. I am at a point where I can't see what more I can do. I can't see doubts about me vanishing. I also don't see where doubts come into play. If you really love someone and you believe they are your soulmate then wouldn't you want to make it happen? It hurts like hell that my character is doubted. I really have put in 100% to the relationship. The only thing I can think that I do wrong is get upset- but that is the situation. I am then told we have a future and not to give up but I just can't see how we can when he clearly has doubts. It hurts that it is being put on me. Makes me feel I am wrong to get upset and have feelings but I can't help hurting. It isn't giving me a chance. Why don't I have them? I can only think it is because I do totally love him and he can't feel as strongly. I don't know what more I can do. I really do put my all into the relationship and feel unsure what I can do to remove such doubts. Even if I put on a brave face to hurt I feel and hid it would that really be enough to convince him or would there be another issue? I just don't know what more I can do. I want this to work so very much.
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