kaygato Posted February 20, 2011 Posted February 20, 2011 Sorry guys...really long rant ahead... I just feel so lost and stuck right now. I think I've finally figured out what messed up my ex and I's relationship. At least I know what the problems were on my side. We were in an ldr for 1 year and 3 months. Then we broke up. Then we got back together twice more and broke up again twice more during the course of the next 3 months. So in total we were together for a year and a half...although 3 months of it were really really unstable. We got together right before he was going off to college and I was going into my seniore year of high school. We were 2 hours apart by car. Then this year I went to a college that was an hour away from his college by car. I know what I did wrong. For my ex and I this was our very first relationship and we pretty much became "official" a month after getting to know each other, although we'd been aquaintances for a few months prior. I've always considered myself shy, but until this relationship I haven't realized the extent of how much I'm guarded. He was super into me, and I was into him as well so I didn't want to show the parts of me that I considered "ugly" to him. I didn't want his perception of me to change. I honestly think after looking back at this that if I eventually move on I should be sure to take my next relationship really slow...or even have a solid friendship foundation first. Anyway, my ex is a really great guy, and I had no reason not to trust him. I just think something about him offering total commitment right off the bat almost made me more insecure in myself and in the relationship. It also didn't help that we were long distance, because that allowed me to close myself off even more. Anyway, things started to fall apart when I went off to college. I realize now I slowly started to make some decisions that would be harmful to our relationship. I don't think I consciously did this but looking back I can see that I did behave somewhat selfishly. I never did anything like cheat on him, but I hurt his feelings by not considering his needs/feelings and just being way too self-absorbed. To be fair, I was going through a lot this fall. I had a hard time adjusting to the college I was at and I was basically clinically depressed. Being the way I am, though, I minimized all these issues when talking with him and let them slowly disintegrate our relationship. I don't know what to do at this point. I just had a great day with friends at my school but I still feel the loss where he used to be. I feel so much guilt for hurting him. And knowing what I know now, I wish I could turn back the clock and repeat everything from last September onward. I would try my best to let down my guard, let him in, and trust him fully. I know I'm insecure and have some issues with intimacy now...I'm actually seeing a therapist and that's one of the things I talk about with her. Less than a week ago I checked out my ex's facebook page and he's already got a new girl. It's been almost 4 weeks since the breakup, but I still can't believe he rebounded like that. But looking back at the type of peson he is...it does make sense. The thing is, I don't think i want my ex back anymore. At least not the way things are right now. If he miraculosly had a change of heart, did a 180 and called me tomorrow begging for me to take him back I would say no, it's not the right time. I realize I caused a lot of damage to our relationship and I had a lot of issues communicating with him when things got rough. If we were to get back together...we'd have to take things uber slow. Also, I'm emotionally not at a good place for a real relationship right now. I need some time to really sort myself out after what happened last fall/the breakup of our relationship. Honestly, if there is hope for us in the future, I would think we'd be best to start out as friends first anyway. Basically, I'm saying that I recognize that my ex was totally right in breaking up with me the first time and that a healthy relationship for us right now would be really hard. I just don't know what to do about all of this. I'm starting to really be over the breakup, and am planning on casually dating other guys in the near future. I just really want to apologize to my ex, and explain everything I said here. Not anytime soon, but sometime in the future. Sure part of me hopes that if he's still dating this new girl he'll drop her after considering my apology and realize that I've really regret what I did wrong and realize that I'm the one he loves. But honestly I think if he did that I'm not sure I could trust him. Well, maybe tha's stupid, I guess I'd just tell him we could date but I wouldn't get back together with him yet. Uggggh...you see, I'm still stuck on the hope of fixing things with my ex. It's bad, I know. I should just learn from my mistakes and move on to someone else, and not make those same mistakes. But I don't want to rebound. Really casually dating or friends with benefits is about all I could see myself handling at this point. It wouldn't be fair to anyone to be in a relationship since I'm still hung up on my ex. But I'm lonely and I need a distraction. I just don't know what to do. The way my ex has dealt with this breakup has been so much different than the way I am. I don't know what to think about his new relationship. I get it that she's local and we were having troubles...but it really hurts that he can be in a full-on relationship so soon after the end of ours. He says he loves me, but he's not "in love" with me anymore. Is that really true or is it caused by our distance and all of the issues we had the last few months? Could he fall in love with me again and change his mind? I don't know what to do. I guess I'm just confused and wanted to get all of this off my chest. I just wish that future circumstances could give us a situation where we could give this relationship a real second try. I know I messed up, and thanks to this experience I'm working on being more honest about myself and less insecure. I really love my ex and I wish I hadn't put him through what I did. I honestly wish I would have had the self-control to just try and be his friend and not his girlfriend. Then maybe i wouldn't have been the first one to break his heart, and maybe we could have gotten together in the future.
fiat500 Posted February 20, 2011 Posted February 20, 2011 (edited) seems like you know what to do but don't worry. it just takes a while for the head and heart to be in sync. we will flip flop back forth with the what ifs but it just doesn't do us any good. when someone says they're not in love with you anymore, you have to believe them for the sake of your sanity. no one just throws around the "i love you but i'm not in love with you" statement just to be poetic. they really MEAN it. all relationships that are started before college get completely destroyed by college. it's just a fact of life. you can't get hung up on what you did wrong and what if you did this. you have to learn from this experience and not repeat the same things in the next relationship. you can't hold onto the hope you will get a second chance with this ex. it's making you miserable and keeping you from healing. you have to STOP with the maybes. the truth is you can't be his friend right now. he will see that you're not over him and give you even less respect. here's something to make you feel better though: only when you are completely over your ex and do not want them anymore there is that rare chance that they may come back. since you're hung up on your ex you're really not going to find anyone attractive right now. i would wait until the pain completely goes away to even consider dating or having a casual relationship. otherwise you will be comparing everyone to your ex and HONESTLY, is he really that GREAT? let me ask you, is your ex really so amazing and fantastic even after what he did to you???? is he a really great guy??? Edited February 20, 2011 by fiat500
Author kaygato Posted February 20, 2011 Author Posted February 20, 2011 seems like you know what to do but don't worry. it just takes a while for the head and heart to be in sync. we will flip flop back forth with the what ifs but it just doesn't do us any good. when someone says they're not in love with you anymore, you have to believe them for the sake of your sanity. no one just throws around the "i love you but i'm not in love with you" statement just to be poetic. they really MEAN it. all relationships that are started before college get completely destroyed by college. it's just a fact of life. you can't get hung up on what you did wrong and what if you did this. you have to learn from this experience and not repeat the same things in the next relationship. you can't hold onto the hope you will get a second chance with this ex. it's making you miserable and keeping you from healing. you have to STOP with the maybes. the truth is you can't be his friend right now. he will see that you're not over him and give you even less respect. here's something to make you feel better though: only when you are completely over your ex and do not want them anymore there is that rare chance that they may come back. since you're hung up on your ex you're really not going to find anyone attractive right now. i would wait until the pain completely goes away to even consider dating or having a casual relationship. otherwise you will be comparing everyone to your ex and HONESTLY, is he really that GREAT? let me ask you, is your ex really so amazing and fantastic even after what he did to you???? is he a really great guy??? Yes, I still think he's a great guy. Maybe I'm just too empathetic of a person, but when I look at the big picture I can understand why he wanted to break up and it makes sense. Yes, right now I'm too hurt by the breakup to want him back. After everything that happened I don't see a way things could work out between us right now. I just know that I won't always be so mad at him, and that in the future things could change. I know I need to stop with the maybes. I know it's dumb, and is holding me back. I guess I just have to resist the urge to fantasize about it. My head knows that more than likely he won't have a change of heart...and that he's moved on. I just have to find a way to stop with the fantasizing and "what ifs".
Author kaygato Posted February 20, 2011 Author Posted February 20, 2011 Thank you for your advice, Fiat, btw. I really, really need people to be realistic with me, considering I'm so unrealistic myself.
fiat500 Posted February 20, 2011 Posted February 20, 2011 you're welcome it is so much easier to look at things from the outside, yet fail to do so when it involves one's own situation.
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