zackzane Posted February 20, 2011 Posted February 20, 2011 So, a couple of weeks back, me and my girlfriend of 10 months had a bit of a scuffle. Essentially, I was being too needy, and as such, had been pushing her away. I thought we caught it before it really became a huge issue, but the other day I told her I had a lot on my mind, including thinking about 'us', and wondering how far I actually had pushed her away. As part of the conversation, she told me she hasn't been able to move past that fight whatsoever. As part of the fight, I agreed to give her more space to be independent, as that's what she wants and needs. But it feels to me like the space I've been giving her is actually making us even more distant. I decided to give her space in order for her to realize what she has, and hopefully make her want to come back to me, but it feels like its backfiring. I can't go back to what it was like before, because that would surely drive her away, but giving her this space doesn't seem to be working either. By feeling more distant, I mean that she doesn't really show much affection (she never has been good at it, but even less affection now), she doesn't sound excited like she used to when we would talk about our future.. that kind of thing. I'm not even sure what to think anymore. Me and her are taking a trip to Montreal in a couple days to visit some of my family, I live in Calgary, so that's clear across the country. I'm hoping this little 4 day trip can do something to reignite the spark and go back to the way things were a couple months ago before it started going downhill. She tells me she still loves me, but can't tell me how optimistic she is about our future because she wants to take things day by day to see how she feels. I mainly decided to write this as I needed to just get it out, but if anyone has some insight as to what I should try to do, or what you think she might be thinking about, it would be much appreciated. I'm kinda hurting here at the thought of losing her, and would do absolutely anything necessary to win back her respect and her passion for me. Thanks.
2011 Posted February 20, 2011 Posted February 20, 2011 (edited) Hi Zackzane After reading your post I seen similarities with the situation I found myself in with my now ex, although it's now to late for mine to be saved I think. What I would say is try and not be clingy and pushy and please listen to what she has to say and try and respond in kind. What I keep hearing from women is men, instead of listening and just being there for them, try and always offer logical solutions when all they want is to be listened to and understood, and maybe hugged if they are unsure of feeling down. If they are telling you something about a situation and you feel like you should respond but are unsure what to say then one of the best neutral things to say is "so how did you feel about that"?. It removes any bias from the conversation and shows you care, she will gain more trust in you and tell you more hence you will get to know how she really ticks. Also ask her opinions on things, women love to talk about things and love giving opinions. I remember going to visit my now ex and she said yeah I got my hair done just yesterday, what did I say? Nothing just "Oh right", instead I should have said "Well you really suit that new doo or it looks really nice". Things like that, try and keep two way communication going. She might be unsure of you two and is looking for you to step up to the plate a bit and give off positive vibes, you should maybe mention that you will always be available to talk about anything if she wants and you are more than happy to listen, maybe take her to dinner and ask her how things are in her life, rememeber she has a life outside of you. Remember women want comfort and security in a RL and if she is becoming cold and distant then one or more of these two things and anyone or more of their sub items is not being met. Very important thing is to not so much take notice of what they say but what they do, body language is your biggest give away here, watch it like a hawk when you do anything where you might expect a reaction from her. The difficult thing is is you really shouldn't ask what is wrong because this will be the first nail in the coffin, this is effectively saying I don't listen and don't really know how to read you. And to be honest a lot of times women can't even rationalise their doubts so HTF are we mean't to? Try small but noticeable changes and see how she reacts, surprise her or take a sudden turn off the road and go for dinner somewhere or something like that. Whatever you do take action now as you will end up where I am now if you don't. If the worst happens and she says she needs space agree and give her space. There is one reason mainly they do this is that they can't figure out themselves what is wrong or they need more time to think about it. Do not act needy or pushy and just agree maybe to speak with her in a week or so to see how she is. I was with a girl who was shy, a bit insecure but we really clicked and I never listened to what she had to say, i'm one of those guys anytime a woman talks I just shut off kind of usually at the most important points and I done this with her and it failed big time after 4 months, she went cold etc and ok there was some other things, although they weren't big problems, I think that was the deal breaker for her that I never really listened. Anyway good luck and keep us updated on what happens. You should try and post on here if anything happens or just to get insight from others who have been through the mill and know the signs and to help you. Good luck! 2011 2011 Edited February 20, 2011 by 2011
Author zackzane Posted February 20, 2011 Author Posted February 20, 2011 Thanks for the input, i appreciate it. I guess I have a couple responses to that. I'm actually the listener/talker in the group. I have this ability to remember all sorts of things that she says, which is amazing, because my memory sucks for everything else. Sure, there's the odd thing I don't, but that's to be expected. Its not that I don't know what she's feeling, I generally ask her what's wrong because I want to get her to talk about it, but she's not the type to talk, which kinda stinks. I'm very of the belief that you can get past almost anything if you just talk it out. I always think of 'logical' reasoning in my head, but I don't generally actually say it, because I know it leads nowhere good, and that's not what she wants to hear. I've definitely been the opposite of clingy. It used to be I'd text her like crazy all day, and when she was out with friends, I still would. I've cut way back on that, and she's noticed and say's I've been much better. So, I dunno, I'll take it day by day like she says she's doing, and we'll see where it goes from there...
iJester Posted February 20, 2011 Posted February 20, 2011 If you really want her to realize what she has, you need to break up with her. Do it before you go on your trip, and ask her not to contact you in any way for any reason other than to get back together. That's the best way to show her that you're not needy/clingy and you also won't have to sit in this state of limbo wondering where you stand with her. If being needy was really her only issue(I think she's just bored with you), then this will certainly work.
Author zackzane Posted February 21, 2011 Author Posted February 21, 2011 I won't lie.. That sounds like an awful idea. I'm trying to keep her, and I'd rather win her back by trying to reignite that spark than by most likely losing her due to breaking up with her. Coupled that with the fact that I'm going on the trip with her, for the purpose of going on a trip with her.. She may be a bit bored, I've got that vibe before, but I don't think its ireeversible. Nothing a little TLC and a great 4 days away together can't fix! Here's hopin'!
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