fleur_de_me Posted February 20, 2011 Posted February 20, 2011 My ex and I broke up last July, very very suddenly in the most-heartbreaking situation I've ever been through. I thought he was "the one"- we were both in love, and this came out of nowhere. I was moving away for grad school, but I thought we'd talked through it and were going to work it out. I was very shocked by the break-up. Anyway- I was devastated and went low contact for several months- we saw each other last October- I stayed with him but got super sick and it was a disaster. He took good care of me and was sweet and kind, but he also mentioned over and over again how glad he was to be single. He tried to hook up with me several times and I refused, this made him cold and distant. I resolved that I was finished with him and we didn't speak after I went home. Around Christmas I was back in town and saw some of our mutual friends- I thought he was out of town but found out later he was just avoiding me. I also heard from his friends that he couldn't see me or be seen with me ever again because he was trying to get an arranged marriage and I would ruin his chances. I was devastated to hear this, especially since he told me he was breaking up because he wasn't ready for marriage and knew that's what I would eventually want (btw, he's 32 and I'm 28). After that, I was really upset, but decided he was dead to me. I have done a pretty good job of moving on, even if there is still a lot of pain in my heart because I really loved him. I blocked him on IM/facebook, and deleted him from my life. A few days ago I got an email from him- he heard from one of his friend's that I'd had surgery (which I had, a month ago) and wanted to see how I was doing. He ended the message with "Again, I'm really sorry if I 'heart' you"- I think he meant to say "hurt" but mistyped it. I didn't respond- I immediately filed it away, but not sure now what to do. Do I just ignore it, or do I write back and ask him to leave me alone forever? I feel like I was making progress in moving on, and now he's back on my mind. Of course there is a part of me that wishes he would realize his mistake, but I also know him well enough to know that he's way too stubborn for that. So- how should I handle this? I don't want his pity, and if I can't be with him, I want to forget him forever so I can try to love someone else and find happiness again.
0hpenelope Posted February 20, 2011 Posted February 20, 2011 (edited) I didn't respond- I immediately filed it away, but not sure now what to do. Do I just ignore it, or do I write back and ask him to leave me alone forever? I feel like I was making progress in moving on, and now he's back on my mind. Of course there is a part of me that wishes he would realize his mistake, but I also know him well enough to know that he's way too stubborn for that. So- how should I handle this? I don't want his pity, and if I can't be with him, I want to forget him forever so I can try to love someone else and find happiness again. Girl, I want to congratulate you for an AWESOME job healing! After all of the heartache and the hurt, you are a model of success. All I can say is, since your ex is in effect "dead" to you, I don't think you would talk to a dead person, will you? I have a friend who's in the same situation where her continued silence is being interpreted by her ex as a sign to keep trying to engage her in communication. I asked her if she should just consider breaking her silence to tell him to leave her alone. Her reasoning is he's so beneath even that effort. She doesn't want to hear his voice and his texts, emails, what have you, are easy to ignore. For my part, the guy is just really pathetic now because when his contact mattered, he couldn't be bothered to communicate with her. I think you're in a good place now to decide to break your silence to tell him "Leave me alone," but at the same time, why should you? You want to forget him and you've made wonderful progress. It can be argued that he's sending out feelers so some might say consider engaging in LC, but if I were you, I'd sit out this one. If he were serious about getting in touch with you and he's determined, not hearing a response from you from this attempt will not faze him. If he doesn't reach out again, well... No loss on your part because you. Are. Awesome! Edited February 20, 2011 by 0hpenelope
Author fleur_de_me Posted February 20, 2011 Author Posted February 20, 2011 Thanks 0hpenelope! I don't feel like that strong of a person, but I appreciate your encouragement I was feeling so good about things, never perfect, but making progress and now I feel thrown back to thinking about him. With that comes these dumb fantasies of him throwing himself at my feet and begging for forgiveness, thoughts that I know are self-destructive but I can't help. I think you're right though- I don't even want to give him the satisfaction of a response. I'd rather him sit there and wonder if I got it and read it, or if it went to the trash, or if maybe I changed my email and didn't tell him. Maybe he won't think about this email for another second, but it gives me some small bit of joy (I know, that's stupid) to think that he might be wondering what I'm thinking right now. I guess time will tell- I just hope that I can put this behind me...again...and move onto something better. He made me the happiest I ever felt until he broke my heart and made me the saddest I've ever been.
0hpenelope Posted February 20, 2011 Posted February 20, 2011 Thanks 0hpenelope! I don't feel like that strong of a person, but I appreciate your encouragement I was feeling so good about things, never perfect, but making progress and now I feel thrown back to thinking about him. With that comes these dumb fantasies of him throwing himself at my feet and begging for forgiveness, thoughts that I know are self-destructive but I can't help. fleur, you know that the strength of will is only decided when we are tested. Most will not be given the opportunity presented to you by your ex. You're strong because you didn't bite at your ex's first bait. How many stories do you read here with dumpees giving in right away instead of putting themselves first and instead, go with just pure emotion? It's never perfect, not at all. I think most of us are guilty of such fantasies and in your case, so what if it's not productive? Perhaps it's your defense mechanism kicking in. Healing happens at different stages and forms for us. Indulge the mind, but eventually it has to be taught to divert its energies away from those thoughts and onto other things. Don't feel too bad about these thoughts, yes? I think you're right though- I don't even want to give him the satisfaction of a response. I'd rather him sit there and wonder if I got it and read it, or if it went to the trash, or if maybe I changed my email and didn't tell him. Maybe he won't think about this email for another second, but it gives me some small bit of joy (I know, that's stupid) to think that he might be wondering what I'm thinking right now. What's stupid? That you're feeling this way? See, I get the dumpees I respond to about this (feeling that small bit of joy) because they're at that stage that they need reminders to not do that. But you're well-progressed in your healing, so it's not like you're sabotaging yourself anymore. These are more residuals that you can indulge in now because doing that won't seriously set you back. Take it easy fleur and have a ball! You are not obligated to respond to him at all! As an observer, I'd be interested in whether or not he'll do a follow-up. Don't sweat him; let him sweat you. You've overcome the worst part of your healing already and nothing he can do will get you back in that dark place anymore because you are done with that. You've confronted it and you've moved on. If he feels genuine remorse for hurting you, it's his turn to confront those negative emotions. He cannot get to you no mo'!
Author fleur_de_me Posted February 20, 2011 Author Posted February 20, 2011 Thanks so much! I already feel a lot better about things I feel like I have a lot of things to look forward to and surviving this (and being the bigger person) is something, even if there is lingering pain. Man, I can't believe I made it through 28 years of my life without ever feeling this, I thought I'd maybe escaped it! I will keep you updated if I hear anything, although my guess is that he's so egotistical he won't reach out twice. In my fantasy world (which is actually quite vivid these days, lol), he will suffer and pine away for me until he dies, and I, of course, will have an amazing life and an amazing husband and beautiful children while he's old and alone. And preferably bald with herpes Haha, the little things that get you through, right? NC was hard in the beginning, but I'm also a stubborn person who hates to lose, so if it is a battle of wills, I'm going to win
Author fleur_de_me Posted February 22, 2011 Author Posted February 22, 2011 Ugh- I feel like I haven't slept in days because of this, all of the feelings it brought back out. I'm missing him again and it feels so horrible. During the day I'm OK, but at night I miss him a lot. My mind is having a hard time letting go....
Bluebelle38 Posted February 22, 2011 Posted February 22, 2011 Hi fleur sorry to hear what you are going through. Your thread resonates quite a bit with my own story. My ex has a big ego as well and he broke up with me in a pretty bad way. he hurt me badly. I pined for him, went NC but broke it at the weekend when I was in the UK visiting a friend (where he lives; we were long distance). He replied to my texts, tried to be funny:rolleyes: We didnt meet but i came home feeling strong and knowing that I dont need to put myself through the pain. He is not the type of man I could ever trust again and I realised it wasnt ever about me not being good enough (which is what really kills us isnt it! Thinking that he thinks he can do better). Well, I have realised that he didnt offer me enough. Take back that power, pet. You have got through this before, you were healing. This is a mere blip and will pass. Stay strong xx
depplover_1980 Posted February 22, 2011 Posted February 22, 2011 Fleur, you've had a set back with this but these things are here to test us; based on your previous healing you will feel a lot more positive within the week. I associate with you saying you don't feel strong, but this is because he has temporarily put that knot back into your stomach, but again when that is digested you will be able to re-evaluate your positives. Personally I find you exceptional considering you've had illness to contend with aswell as heartbreak. You will ignore him because it makes sense. There is nothing within his contact that suggests a reconcilation with you and he will continue contact with you if that is his intention. It will become perfectly obvious if he wants to be your lover again and considering all he will need to work very hard for it.
Author fleur_de_me Posted February 25, 2011 Author Posted February 25, 2011 Thanks guys for your support! It's more than a week later and I'm still really struggling. I haven't heard anything from him since that email, although I got an email from a mutual friend of ours who told me that the ex finally bought a house (he's been trying to do that the whole time I've known him). I kind of wanted to write back to the friend and be like- I don't want to hear his name EVER again, please don't give me his updates. But I thought that'd be petty, and it would get back to him and he would think I still care. So I replied to the friend's email with a cheerful update of my own and didn't mention the stuff about the ex at all. Come to think of it, the house may have even been the reason he emailed me to see how I was doing- so he would have an opportunity to open the lines of communication and let me know about this. The last time we broke NC, a few months after the breakup, was when one of his modeling campaigns launched internationally. So he started out with the "hey, what's up, how are you" just so he could share the news. I stupidly fell for the crumbs last time. For some reason he loves shoving in my face how fantastic his life is without me. Even when I saw him- it was "I'm so happy now that I'm single" every 5 minutes. My problem is that as much as I want to hate him, I can't really. Besides breaking up with me completely unexpectedly, he was amazing. Never cheated on me, never mistreated me, never said a hurtful word, took care of me when I was sick, and we never fought. This is why I'm still shocked. I feel like I made mistakes in letting this breakup happen- like I didn't try hard enough to stop it at the time. The month before we broke up I told him what I expected out of him and this relationship and he cried and begged me to give him more time, he was trying (he had some emotional hangups and family drama I felt he should deal with). Then it was like he turned off and decided not to try anymore. I still feel like it is so stupid that we are broken up, we were happy, and I think we were great together. He did everything for me, treated me like a princess, made me feel like the most beautiful woman on earth. I did the same for him. I don't get it. His friends don't get it. Now he's gone all crazy and decided "he doesn't need love" so he's just going to get an arranged marriage to some girl who will be his slave and have no emotional attachment. Anyway- sorry for the rant, I'm just in a rough place. I had given up on him after Christmas, but in the deepest part of my heart all I want is for him to realize how idiotic this whole thing is and make it work. I am such a strong and successful person in my real life, I don't understand how I can be such a mess at this part of my life. It is really the worst feeling.
0hpenelope Posted February 25, 2011 Posted February 25, 2011 fleur, I'll come back again. I just wanted to react with regards to your apology for the rant. A grief handout I received from a counselor reminded me that grief over a loss will take longer and more energy to recover from than I think; this applies to you, too. Don't apologize for letting your feelings out, okay? Take care of yourself. I'll share a positive part of my day with you: I wanted to stay in the gym for two hours but I felt lazy. Still, I forced myself and felt really accomplished when I made it happen! In the evening, I took a shower and looked at the mirror - and saw the beginnings of muscle definition in the tricep area where there was once none. Something simpler: I went to the store today to buy food and treated myself to coconut water! Do you have a positive to share? I'm sure you do and I would love to read it.
Author fleur_de_me Posted February 25, 2011 Author Posted February 25, 2011 I actually had a pretty productive week- aced my exams and finished/submitted a grant proposal that I've been working on for months. There's a lot to celebrate this weekend. I came home today and relaxed by the pool in my building, soaked up the sunshine, and felt pretty great. When I'm out living my life I feel pretty good- it's when I'm at home by myself at night that I really miss him. But yeah, today was a positive day for sure! Everything else in my life is going well, why can't this just be fixed already!!!! I think I'm doing everything as right as I can, but the healing process is way too slow.
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