self-improvement Posted February 19, 2011 Posted February 19, 2011 Hey everyone, I'm curious to hear your opinion and advice on my situation. I met a nice, calm, rather shy girl online and we started writing each other messages (roundabout one per day). We pretty soon agreed on a first date. So we went for a few drinks this Monday night. We had some good conversation, many things in common,... I also had the impression that she was interested and was having a good time. In retrospect, some things might have gone better nonetheless. I suppose I didn't manage to build up any romantic/emotional momentum - there was no (kino-) escalation for instance, I didn't really make compliments... I didn't want to push it too far on the first date though, since we were only talking online for a few days so far. Also, I still had to drive home that night and I had two alcoholic drinks (I wasn't drunk, but still a stupid mindless moment ) When we called it a night, I wanted to walk her to her subway station, but she at first refused and only was reluctanly appreciating it (is that some kind of girl thing?? Not the first time that happened to me.) Anyways, at the station I told her that I had a great night (I really did) and that we should meet again. She agreed and we hugged each other goodbye (no kiss close). The next day (Tuesday) she wrote me a message via the dating site asking me if I made it home alright. So I figured she was still interested. I decided to push forward and told her again that I had a great time and I would like to meet here again. She answered that she also had a "very nice" time and that "we can meet each other again". (doesn't really sound too enthusiastic to me, but again, she seems kinda shy). So Wednesday I asked her what she was doing Saturday. If she was still free that evening I would like to go out with her for dinner/drinks or "movies, if she wasn't too fond of talking " (probably not the best line, even though there wasn't any ulterior motive involved). Well today is Saturday and instead of going on a day2 I'm at home posting this thread. I know she read my last message Thursday evening. She also was online on the dating site Friday morning again (dating sites make it so easy to watch every move ). Since then she hasn't been online and she didn't answer my last message. So I was wondering if you have any explanations for her behavior or where I maybe went wrong. I don't think she is a promiscuous girl and seeing a different guy every night. Did she get cold feet? Was I too pushy? Did my having two drinks and driving frighten her off? Was she just being polite when saying that she had a good time and wanted to meet me again? What should I do next (wait for her to answer, write another message,... ???). I really want to see her again, but her strange behavior is making things weird already before we possibly hit it off. Every feedback is appreciated. Thanks. P.S. One more thing: in one of my messages I gave her my cell phone #. I thought it was easier to arrange a date through a phone call. She didn't react to that and didn't give me her number. Don't think that's a big deal, but maybe you think otherwise.
xpaperxcutx Posted February 19, 2011 Posted February 19, 2011 Email> Im> Phone/Texting. That's usually how two people attracted to each other progress from being strangers to potential partners.
Imajerk17 Posted February 19, 2011 Posted February 19, 2011 (edited) Well, she doesn't sound that into you. If she were, she would have let you walk her to the subway, for one thing. But if you had played your cards right, you might have gotten her to meet up with you again. Might. I agree with papercut in that a phone call would have been much better than a message online. You do have her number, right? (EDIT: Why didn't you get it when you and she were face-to-face?) That's for starters. Even better would have been setting something up when the two of you were face-to-face. Edited February 19, 2011 by Imajerk17
Author self-improvement Posted February 19, 2011 Author Posted February 19, 2011 Actually it's the other way around. Before our first date I gave her my phone#, exactly for the reason you're mentioning. She didn't pick up on it. On our first date, I also tried to get her # when we were saying goodbye. She said she already had mine, so I didn't push any further. Since she said she wanted to meet me again and she wrote me an online message immediately the day after, I didn't think that the phone# issue is such a big deal. But come to think of it not giving out her phone# is kinda strange and cannot really be excused with shyness or her preferring writing online messages. Then again, why write me a message after the 1st date and keeping convo going until I suggest the 2nd date? Polite BS?
xpaperxcutx Posted February 19, 2011 Posted February 19, 2011 Actually it's the other way around. Before our first date I gave her my phone#, exactly for the reason you're mentioning. She didn't pick up on it. On our first date, I also tried to get her # when we were saying goodbye. She said she already had mine, so I didn't push any further. Since she said she wanted to meet me again and she wrote me an online message immediately the day after, I didn't think that the phone# issue is such a big deal. But come to think of it not giving out her phone# is kinda strange and cannot really be excused with shyness or her preferring writing online messages. Then again, why write me a message after the 1st date and keeping convo going until I suggest the 2nd date? Polite BS? No, more like dating etiquette. I had to reread your first post to understand this girl and as a female, my perspective is- her interests and attraction is minimal at best. The emails back and forth were the build up, but when it came to the first date, she may have came to realize that she just wasn't feeling it. The email afterwards were exchanged out of being polite. Ending argument- she's not interested.
Mrlonelyone Posted February 19, 2011 Posted February 19, 2011 Actually it's the other way around. Before our first date I gave her my phone#, exactly for the reason you're mentioning. She didn't pick up on it. On our first date, I also tried to get her # when we were saying goodbye. She said she already had mine, so I didn't push any further. Since she said she wanted to meet me again and she wrote me an online message immediately the day after, I didn't think that the phone# issue is such a big deal. But come to think of it not giving out her phone# is kinda strange and cannot really be excused with shyness or her preferring writing online messages. Then again, why write me a message after the 1st date and keeping convo going until I suggest the 2nd date? Polite BS? The phone mag or may not be a big deal depending on her age. If your under 25 then if may not be a big deal. Many young people prefer texting until a relationship is serious. They also see regular phone calls as old fashioned.
Imajerk17 Posted February 19, 2011 Posted February 19, 2011 (edited) Actually it's the other way around. Before our first date I gave her my phone#, exactly for the reason you're mentioning. She didn't pick up on it. On our first date, I also tried to get her # when we were saying goodbye. She said she already had mine, so I didn't push any further. Since she said she wanted to meet me again and she wrote me an online message immediately the day after, I didn't think that the phone# issue is such a big deal. But come to think of it not giving out her phone# is kinda strange and cannot really be excused with shyness or her preferring writing online messages. Then again, why write me a message after the 1st date and keeping convo going until I suggest the 2nd date? Polite BS? That's it right there--bolded. She's not into you and unfortunately, she wasn't being straight about it. Either that or she is socially awkward. No girl who is interested would not give her phone number to a guy after spending a couple hours with him. Move on. Edited February 19, 2011 by Imajerk17
Author self-improvement Posted February 19, 2011 Author Posted February 19, 2011 Thanks for your feedback! I agree on the etiquette and I'm seeing that it's quite a dead end with that girl. But it still doesn't really add up totally, and it's always good to learn something from your experiences. I gave her my # during the build up, why didn't she give me her's then? At that time, she still must have been interested, otherwise she wouldn't have agreed for the 1st date. That she didn't want to give me her # after the 1st date is reasonable if she just didn't feel it then.
Ms. Joolie Posted February 19, 2011 Posted February 19, 2011 Did she drink at all during your first date? It sounds like you got tipsy and she wasn't comfortable with you walking her to the subway. It sounds like she contacted you the next day to see if you made it home okay because she was really concerned. lol
Author self-improvement Posted February 19, 2011 Author Posted February 19, 2011 (edited) Did she drink at all during your first date? It sounds like you got tipsy and she wasn't comfortable with you walking her to the subway. It sounds like she contacted you the next day to see if you made it home okay because she was really concerned. lol That was one of my explanations too. She had the same 2 drinks I had. I never drink and drive and that's certainly something I won't do again next time around. Don't know why I got so careless. Edited February 19, 2011 by self-improvement
Ms. Joolie Posted February 19, 2011 Posted February 19, 2011 That was one of my explanations too. She had the same 2 drinks I had. I never drink and drive and that's certainly something I won't do again next time around. Don't know why I got so careless. That's the only flag I saw, but you may be able to handle 2 drinks well enough. I was just concerned that alcohol may have interfered with who you were being, and that was a turn off to her. From what I can see then, the conversation is still open with her and you don't have to give up so easy.
Author self-improvement Posted February 20, 2011 Author Posted February 20, 2011 From what I can see then, the conversation is still open with her and you don't have to give up so easy. For now, I'll just wait and see if she does answer my message. But I won't initiate anything at the moment. I'd say it's her call, don't you think?
Ms. Joolie Posted February 20, 2011 Posted February 20, 2011 "I'll just wait..." "...and see if" "I won't initiate..." "It's her call..." You sound skeered. Look, the first thing you need to do is be strong in asking for a girls number and ready to be a little aggressive at it. The second thing you need to do is be confident in your communication with her. Since you don't have her number, you put yourself in a passive role already. You will have to IM her or whatever for her number now. She may not be inclined to give it to you but don't give up so easy. Don't harrass her or anything, but you can see what her objection is and be safe and playful about it. It would be a good idea to get to a phone conversation with her right now, and then ask her out. You can try to just ask her out through the computer but that's not helping you stand out from other guys on the net.
Author self-improvement Posted February 24, 2011 Author Posted February 24, 2011 Well, I gave it another try. I wrote her a message on Tuesday, saying that this would be my last one, should she not be interested. And if she was still interested I would be happy to talk. She wrote back today (Thursday) saying that she was very busy with a project at work, had to work on the weekend and didn't have time to really go on the dating site (she was online like every 2 or 3 days and she did read my message pretty soon after I wrote it). Yeah, I know it sounds like a lame excuse, and she still could have found some time to write me back sooner. But she did write back, saying she had a nice time and she liked me, but more as a friend (see my other thread, lol). And again, that we can meet again. Not sure yet, what to make of this. On the one hand, I am the kind of guy who doesn't open up immediately. So maybe she changes her mind once she gets to know me better. On the other hand, once pigeonholed, there is no escaping it.
GivenUp0083 Posted February 24, 2011 Posted February 24, 2011 she still must have been interested, otherwise she wouldn't have agreed for the 1st date. Get this idea out of your head immediately. You don't KNOW anything about her interest. Just because she is agreeing to go out with you once doesn't mean jack. I know from a lot of online dating experience. Well, I gave it another try. I wrote her a message on Tuesday, saying that this would be my last one, should she not be interested. And if she was still interested I would be happy to talk. She wrote back today (Thursday) saying that she was very busy with a project at work, had to work on the weekend and didn't have time to really go on the dating site (she was online like every 2 or 3 days and she did read my message pretty soon after I wrote it). Yeah, I know it sounds like a lame excuse, and she still could have found some time to write me back sooner. But she did write back, saying she had a nice time and she liked me, but more as a friend (see my other thread, lol). And again, that we can meet again. Not sure yet, what to make of this. On the one hand, I am the kind of guy who doesn't open up immediately. So maybe she changes her mind once she gets to know me better. On the other hand, once pigeonholed, there is no escaping it. It's over bro, she's just trying to be nice. She's a nice girl and doesn't want to hurt your feelings. Don't go on a mission to try and convince her differently. As for being friends? If you're comfortable with it, go for it, you have nothing to lose. Just make sure you DO NOT keep the hopes alive of dating her seriously, because it's not there, she told you so (I wish I had only been so lucky as you are in this scenario, most girls just disappear.) Accept it for what it is: you met a girl, you had a fun time out with her, but there's no connection. Move on with your life and try to find another girl to go out with. You seem like a good dude, just takes time to find someone that is a good fit for you. It took me a year and a half but I found her and she's perfect for me.
Author self-improvement Posted February 26, 2011 Author Posted February 26, 2011 Thanks for your honest opinions. I guess I already knew it all along, but had to hear it from somebody else. It's not that I'm head over heals in love with her and I'm certainly able to move on. Actually, right now I don't really know what my feelings are towards her. I just think she's a cute and nice girl. I would have taken her on another date or two and I could have imagined things going somewhere good. I'm really giving her credit for actually giving me an answer and being so honest and friendly about it. For that reason, I told her I can see us being friends. The verdict is still out, whether or not she really meant what she said and a friendship can actually develop now. Until now, I've always been the "bye bye, have a nice life" kind of guy, which certainly works best 99.9% of the time. I'll just give it a shot.
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