How badly did we eff this up? (Anatomy of a Break Up) Very Long and Detailed

[NRG]

So, my wife and I have been together for 10 years, we both I was 26, and she was 25 when we met.

 

It started with a one night stand. A friend of mine had asked if I wanted to meet her friend and her at a bar. I agreed to do this. I went to the bar to meet them, we sat and talked a little at a table. A little later I asked them if they wanted to come back to my condo. We went and had a few more beers at my place. My friend left cause she needed to get home, and my future wife stayed behind with me at my place. We wound up talking and came to found out she was new to the area by only 2 weeks or so. One thing led to another, and we wound up having sex. We went to sleep, I woke up the following morning to find the bed empty, and no number to get back in touch with her. Hmmm. I was rather enamored by her though, so much so, I asked my friend to give her my number to call me. Well she called, and we started hanging out.

 

One of our dates for when she was going back to home, she waited at restuarant for me till 3a, and had a plane flight at 6a. I did not show, as I told her I was not sure if I could make it. I did not hear anything about how badly this affected her, till many more years later. The relationship did progress though. One thing led to another and we were official by Thanksgiving of 2001. During this time, my brother had passed away, and my mother had been diagnosed with lung cancer. So I was gong through quite a bit. We became closer and closer over time.

 

 

In 2002 she even helped me with my mother when she was passing away, and emotional support for me. I got a new house down i=on the beach, and she started spending most of her time at my house, by virute we were living together. In late 2002 she started to complain to me about me not being able to emotionally vent my grief over the losses of my mother and brother, and it was effecting her. She told me I was losing her. but she was also discussing marriage, and I told I would like to wait, as 5 years is what i would like to work with, as I did not want to end up divorced like my parents, so i wanted to really know my partner. She cried over this, and could not understand my reasoning.

 

In early 2003, I left for a business trip in Dallas. I received a phone call that she was leaving me, and taking her stuff. I hoped on the first plane back to catch her. I did, and she was determined to go. Next thing I know, she is gone, and I don't hear from her for almost 2 weeks. Then she magically appears back at my house with all her stuff. We progress back into the realtionship.

 

In early 2004 my father dies, and we had to take care of him as well. I was really hurt by this. In the summer of 2004 I take her to St. Bart's and propose to her. She accepted. We have a great year together. I am saddled by a lawsuit from my father's company, this takes a toll on me personally.

 

In 2005 we are married. We have a great wedding, both of us were as happy as can be. Though i still have the lawsuit going on.

 

In late 2008 her parent's buy a house for us.

 

More recently, in late 2009, I decided to switch from my company i own, to an imaging center in St. Pete which looked to be a better deal financially for me. It wasn't.

 

In 2010 I struggled to make payments to her parents for the house, they paid cash outright for. In fact, I made only 2 payments through 2010. I was trying to get the imaging center off the ground in early 2010 so I was squirreling cash. But in May, I was kicked out of the imaging center by my partner because he thought he could do it better. I was out of work from may till Late Sept. I found a job and started working. In july we get a bill from the IRS for back taxes of $1,500. She is freaked out about it, i am not so much. I know we have a large return coming in for the following year. It goes unpaid for 5 months. I went to a game, and stayed at a friend's house till about 4a, because I was loaded and could not drive. I got home around 430a. I had a pattern of this throughout our relationship. My being a very untrusting person would have all kinds of thoughts going through her head if I was cheating on her. I never once did any such thing. On October 25th she starts withholding sex. I get a little upset by this, and she says "Maybe quit smoking instead of keeping yourself busy". Anyways, one month later on October 27th, she tells me she wants a divorce. I am understandably shocked by this news. I try to get to her to try and make things work, but she is unwilling. I leave out of town on Nov 14th for a game. While I am away, her friend is in town and they go snooping through my office. They find a tax bill for my dad's old company in the amount of $54,000(Local Taxes/Personal Property). Now, this tax bill has nothing to do with us, nor is it even remotely attached to us. In fact the company was out of business the time the tax bill is for. I get a nasty text message telling me we are through and it is over because I am hiding so much debt, and I should move out in 15 days. Needless to say, I have to try and rationally explain this her. doesn't do much good. I get home and start packing my things. I come to find all our pictures taken down, she has been moved over to another bedroom to sleep in separate bedroom. she also decides that I will not be going to Thanksgiving at her brother's house her, and i should go spend it with my cousins. One her way back she is venting to me about how her brother is not caring for problem.

 

We become closer again during December and it is decided I will go up to visit her for NYE when she is visiting her parents. Once I see her off at the airport, we are holding hands, and give each other a kiss on the lips. Once she is in her parents' town, she calls me and vents to me about how tough she is having it up there, then tells me she loves me, I tell her I love her back. We wind up talking on the phone every night almost for 45 mins at a time. We obviously are getting very close. I go up to visit her for NYE, I bring her a gift. She is excited to see me. We wound up having sex, the first time in 2 months.

 

In January 2011, we are going strong, as good as ever. In fact so much so, she emails all my family and tells them we are doing better than ever. We travel all over the place, we are having a great time. Then the divorce papers show up, because we filed them when we got back from her parent's town. It is a notice to that somemore paperwork has to be filed. this hits home to her, that she may want to move forward with the divorce.

 

Febuary 1st:, she mentions that she would like me to move out of the house by the date agreed upon on the divorce papers which was the 15th. She proposed it as seeing me standing up on my own. even though I covered almost all the bills in the household, except the payments to her parent's. We have a rough week because I am freaked out about going back to the state where i was in Nov-Dec. Then this progresses for the next three days.

 

Wed 2nd: On Wed night, she says the foundation of our marriage is meesed up, because I had stayed out 5-6 nights till 4:30a or so. I tell her, if it bothered her that much, she should have left back then. She erupts in to tears, and nothing i can do can consul her.

 

Thursday 3rd: Thursday we go into the Marriage Therapist, and she stated she would like to be friends w/ benefits. Outside if the therapist office, I tell her, if I move out she will never see me again. I drive off. Yet, I see her again for lunch, then we meet for dinner. I didin't apologize, which I should have, i just felt was a given since it was already determined that I was moving out and still wanted to see her.

 

Friday 4th: Her friend who came into town back in November was coming into town the weekend of the 4-7. I was told I would have to leave the house because her friend is pregnant and the added stress was not welcome. i already had a bad feeling about how things were going down, but I left anyways. We had a mini fight on the morning of Friday, where she asked what I was going to tell my friends, I told her i would tell them we are getting divorced, and I am moving out. We did have kind of a special relationship though, where I did not care if we got divorced, just that we are together and commited. She wanted to do a separation. I think she took this hard. Friday night, I missed her call, but called back around a hlaf hour later, told her my phone was charging. did not hear from her till Saturday morning via text message.

 

Saturday 5th: She then proceeds to tell me that it is over, and i need to accept the reality of it. I agree with her, she can go.

 

Sunday 6th: Then she called Sunday morning to tell me that I should stay the night at my buddy's again, when i had agreed I could come home Sunday. So she was backing up here. I said that is fine, and then hung up the phone. Then I text her and said it is fine I will stay at friend's house, but i was disappointed that I could not come home, as planned. Then on Sunday night she tells me we need to go through the pain alone, away from each other. That she is hurting. I missed these texts, as I was watching the game.

 

Monday 7th: I picked her up Monday to help her with her car, and she could barely look at me, and she said I seemed angry. I was a bit, because I got to the dealer, and her and her friend were going to do the car, with out telling me. I only found out because of the service guy. Anyways, on the way she then proceeds to tell me that she would like me to move out by Thursday of that week, which I say I will try. She also tells me, that she will be staying over @ her friend's house while I am moving out. I say I am not going home, it is too hurtful to be in house alone. She gives me a surprised look. She asks to borrow my phone and use the internet(something she never uses). When we get back to her car, she slowly gets out of the car and does not even touch me, as if she is scared of me. I had asked her earlier in the car what the problem was, and she said she did not want to cry. Later in the day, she texts me if i had gotten the dog yet. I told her our neighbor let him out. Then later she asks if I had gotten the dog yet(630p) or so. The dog had been in the house from about 530a. I told her I was going to be picking him up shortly. She said she would call the neighbor to get him. I told her no, I will be picking him up. I then call the neighbor to tell my wife that he won't be getting in the middle. anyways, I pick the dog up.

 

Tuesday 8th: I ask her to talk, and stop communicating through text messages. she says she can't talk right now, she needs some time. we have a pretty good text message convo, but nothing real good. I tell her I most likely won't be able to move till the weekend.

 

Wednesday 9th: I text her in the morning, and ask if I can send an apology email that I had typed out Saturday.

 

Been doing some thinking here @ Phil’s. The thing that stands out the most to me is what transpired this week. I remember talking to you on Monday and you asking me to move out. I took this pretty hard, but I don’t think I took the necessary step back to look @ what was really being said. What you were saying was you wanted to see me stand on my own. I took it and blew it out of proportion because of my vulnerable state I was in because of the request for an appt with xxxxx. I should have just waited till we got an appt at xxxxxx’s instead of pushing for you tell me what was on your mind. Or atleast listened to what you were really saying, which is why I think you said “see I tell my feelings, and it gets thrown back in my face”. I am sure this made you feel like your thoughts and feelings were bad, when in fact they were to try and paint a path forward.

>

> Then on Tuesday you said you were crying on the way to work, and I can only assume this was because you did not feel heard. I am so sorry I did not take the time to actually listen, and instead let my emotions get the best of me. As far as when you were texting your supervisor on Tuesday @ Applebee’s, after some reflection I felt I was being untrusting of you, I am sure my concern could be understood. I also apologize for this. I don’t know what was going on with me. I can only attribute this my emotions running on high, so I was being hyper vigilant. One thing you had said was I was being manipulative. This may be the case, I have given a lot of introspect to it, this is something I will need to fix.

>

> On Wednesday @ Publix, you again mentioned moving out, and I again let my emotions get me. I have been a Horse’s ass. It just hurt me very much for you to say what you did, and I took it the wrong way.

>

> Thursday @ xxxxx's it came to a head and “appeared” to me to be a self-fulfilling prophecy. I was very defensive cause of the hurt I thought was put on me. This lead me to the emailing of your supervisor, which I did find very hurtful, but I should have been more trusting of you too. I knew that your Supervisor knew of what was going because you had told me that “he knows very little”. I think xxxxx was right in a sense, in that I have been a little too possessive and this was a wedge between us. After xxxx's in the parking lot I was feeling like I was cast aside, which again hurt me. I think if I would have just taken the time to listen to you, a lot of this could be avoided. I have been an emotional wreck this week for whatever reason. I just wanted to get this off my chest, and apologize for the hurt I have caused you. There is so much more I would like to discuss once we get into xxxx’s office again. I will in the future learn to take a step back in the immediacy of the situation, and asses a little more logically, much as I had done with the texts earlier today. This is something I hope to work out with you and xxxx.

 

Unfortunately, it misses all the major points of her contentions, but I was unaware of them because she does not convey her hurt feelings, she expects you to guess. So she sent me a big screed that I had to decode:

 

Thank you for the email xxxxx. It kills me that you are hurting, but this is what i have to do in my life. What hurts the most are some of the memories - many great ones of course, but ... the foundation, i know that you stopped staying out all nights on me and stopped being unreliable and me having to ask u to do just little things over and over that, often were not done ... but over a period of several years this came to a head.. it isn't what you have done in the past weeks specifically; this is not easy for me and it is scary but i need you to find your way without me. it is a bit much for me to talk much now, i just wanted to respond b/c i understand you are being genuine and that you are deeply hurt. i just have told you that i haven't felt secure on several levels with you and i cannot handle it anymore. just the fact that it took Divorce for you to finally listen to me about smoking cigars and how much it was impacting me is sad but at the same time i feel like i'm doing you a huge favor in your life.

 

I am very sorry about the texts/emails to my supervisor. Anything to help me get thru this process of the doctorate was the main point, - hence the insane and completely ridiculous inappropriate jokes with Todd on several occasions. anything to make me laugh, anything for support, .. I completely take responsibility for that and i have my own changes that i need to make, particularly not listeniing to others anymore or just letting them into my life. I am aalso very sorry that i did not stick with how i was in december and let u come to missouri, let u get close to me again when all i did in the end was hurt you even more - that was very selfish of me, and i apologize even though i don't regret the great times that we had at whole foods and then some. but you have to let me go, i don't know what else to do for now, it is too much to say anymore right now. when you really let me down, deeply xxxxx, was in the first six months after marriage staying out all night and then again the next year or two and i BEGGED you 'don't do this b/c every time you do i take a Huge step back from us being close.' I'm over it, i have forgiven you, but i'm telling you that b/c that was where some serious damage began that was never healed; especially when u just told me that u stopped going out 'b/c it isn't worth it anymore' b/c it upset me so much, not b/c you didn't want to or were sorry. i don't have the energy to talk now. i'm just trying to clarify things for you. you also hurt me so much when we began dating and i waited at mangrove's until 3am, then my 6am flight... no call no show nothing and i was to be gone 3 weeks. those things, i don't think is how i deserve or anyone deserves to be treated and perhaps if i had a backbone i would have ended it right then and there. that isn't how love is supposed to begin or feel. then years of begging u to put ur wedding ring in certain place, well u know that story. things grow over time and,... i just can't do it anymore. i love you as a person i'll always care for you but you must move on right now.

From this, i was able to decode that she was upset over Wednesday night, and I told her I was sorry for saying that, and would never want that to happen as I love her too much. She said, what happened, happened. Then later says sorry, tired, we will talk later. Nothing the rest of the night. all these communications are happening through text message, and have been since Sunday. I had tried calling her, but she refused to answer.

 

Thursday 10th: I send her a text message saying i would like to talk, but know she is heading to work soon, so I will wait. I get an email from her that says:

 

Hi, I received your voicemail. What specifically do we need to discuss? for now as we already discussed you need to get all of your stuff out xxxxx; i'm not ready to talk yet. is it about bills or something or about us or the dog or what? i just can't take anymore i'm sorry; my mom will likely arrive on wednesday

Since I don't have my moving people lined up or truck till saturday, I decide I can't start till Friday. I go to a bar and some girl starts hitting on me. The girl at the bar was dropping hints to me about the divorce that were close. Although, I figured she was close. I also think i saw the back of my wife's head near the bathroom. Then at 8p I get a text that says "it isn't not right". then 930, I get a text that blows my phone up about. When I am I going to be completely out of the house, how she has to stay out at friend's houses all week, how I am selfish, how I hurt her in our marriage in the beginning by staying out late, etc. All via text mind you.

 

Friday 11th: I waited till the morning to send a text in response. I basically said I was sorry I was not moved out the house, or I was not there when you got there. I apologized and said i was very sorry for staying out late at night. Then starts straight into the dog, if i am going to leave him for her. Mind you, we agreed that I get to keep the dog. then says she "cannot talk". she tells me the two dogs can stay together while she is at work, and i can start over. she says thank you for the apology, and says that she needed to explain what happened. She regrets leaving the dog. Later tells me where she will be staying for 4 days to give me time to move out. She then says she "cannot talk for now". she was asking if I got everything out in 1 day, I guess she misconstrued a string of texts, cause I told her no such thing. Then I tell her I am packing, and I will be moving tomorrow as that is the only time I could get folks to help. Then she told me changed the bills to her name, I called to check on one of them, and it was the cable company. Then she sent me a text why called them, and she was like WTF? I told her it was because she said she changed the bills. she asked me if I was at the house. I told her yes, would you like me to leave so you can get something? She says, "Apparently so, you said you were done @ 1. the one time I wanted to come home the entire week ur there. God". Then I say I will leave, then left. She then says, nevermind, she was hoping to be home for 30 mins but i was there and could have been all week. she then tells me my car was there, with garage open @ 230. Then tells me she wanted to go before LMFT(could be her job or Marriage therapist). I then apologized to her about saying she would never see agian if I moved out. then told I picked up smoking recently. Then she starts asking what I am ashamed about. I tell her i lied to her about smoking when we were in bed. I had started smoking lightly the week previous, and had a pack today. Then she starts setting into me being dedicated to her. I kind of got my sneaking suspicions they had set me up with the girl at the bar from Thursday.

 

 

Saturday 12th: She tells me that she thought this would never occur, and that this is series of serious letdowns. I tell her how I think the house was bugged, and my phone was bugged. She tells me I need to go talk to someone. Later in the day, I tell her i cuddled with someone, and she flips out. Tells me even when I am being genuine I am selfish because of the last hurt to her.

 

Sunday 13th: I try to back out of my statement of cuddling and say I was doing it to get a reaction of her. he tells me to go cuddle with my new lover.

 

 

Monday: Then she starts in on the dog again about keeping him. Throughout this whole thing, she wanted the dog. But she was being downright manipulative with him, saying things like "If you truly care about me you would give me the dog."

 

 

Things deteriorate to the point where we are not talking anymore, at all.

 

How do you think this looks?

Edited February 19, 2011 by NRG

[Yasuandio]

Looks like there is more to this than your wife is telling you. Her position didn't get so firm this quickly. She's probably been ruminating on this decision for a long time. Some of the ancient history straws she's grasping at to avoid face to face contact, and telephone convo stikes me as odd.

 

It's possible she could be attempting to search out a justification for an issue that may not even be yours? This is ONLY my woman's intuition, it's based on nothing else. Is it possible she may be hiding something, and knows you'd pick up on it if you faced her any length of time?