cloudstoday Posted February 19, 2011 Share Posted February 19, 2011 There's something very big and important that I haven't told my boyfriend of a year yet. I am very uncomfortable with the way he parents his 3 year old son. I don't have any kids of my own, but I firmly believe that disciplining a child only serves to make them believe you as the parent want to control them, and that you feel out of control and that you don't believe them capable of doing anything right on their own. It doesn't help them learn how to express themselves or their emotions, it doesn't help them find healthy, nonrepressive ways to deal with the difficulties of life. When I have kids I want to be able to accept them completely as they are, not force them to be something I want. Yes, this will be hard, but it's the way I would have wanted to be parented as a kid. He doesn't know this is how I feel. He is big on punishment, yelling and repressing emotions. He yells at his son daily and is triggered constantly by his son's angry outbursts in response. And I've heard him many times tell his upset child to suck it up, be a man and not cry. Because he's a boy and boys don't cry. I'm not trying to say that this is wrong, or bad, just that I do not want this. That I don't agree with it. And it scares me when it happens because their relationship is so fraught with tension as a result. It makes me uncomfortable to think that this is what I will have to deal with in the long term with him. I love him, and I love who he is. I don't judge him for this or think my way is better. It's just I could not live with his way. And I know, if we were to even have a chance at making it, I would have to tell him. But how the hell do I do that?? He'll be so hurt and feel rejected. how can I ever tell him if I think it's what will be the end of us for sure?? But how can I not knowing I can't live with it? Has anyone else ever been in this situation? Please don't reply that you disagree with my ideas of parenting, I"m more looking for help on how approach such a delicate and landmined subject with him. Link to post Share on other sites
sally4sara Posted February 19, 2011 Share Posted February 19, 2011 There's something very big and important that I haven't told my boyfriend of a year yet. I am very uncomfortable with the way he parents his 3 year old son. I don't have any kids of my own, but I firmly believe that disciplining a child only serves to make them believe you as the parent want to control them, and that you feel out of control and that you don't believe them capable of doing anything right on their own. It doesn't help them learn how to express themselves or their emotions, it doesn't help them find healthy, nonrepressive ways to deal with the difficulties of life. When I have kids I want to be able to accept them completely as they are, not force them to be something I want. Yes, this will be hard, but it's the way I would have wanted to be parented as a kid. He doesn't know this is how I feel. He is big on punishment, yelling and repressing emotions. He yells at his son daily and is triggered constantly by his son's angry outbursts in response. And I've heard him many times tell his upset child to suck it up, be a man and not cry. Because he's a boy and boys don't cry. I'm not trying to say that this is wrong, or bad, just that I do not want this. That I don't agree with it. And it scares me when it happens because their relationship is so fraught with tension as a result. It makes me uncomfortable to think that this is what I will have to deal with in the long term with him. I love him, and I love who he is. I don't judge him for this or think my way is better. It's just I could not live with his way. And I know, if we were to even have a chance at making it, I would have to tell him. But how the hell do I do that?? He'll be so hurt and feel rejected. how can I ever tell him if I think it's what will be the end of us for sure?? But how can I not knowing I can't live with it? Has anyone else ever been in this situation? Please don't reply that you disagree with my ideas of parenting, I"m more looking for help on how approach such a delicate and landmined subject with him. While I do feel discipline is important in child rearing, some methods are more productive than others and even still, some are not productive at all. It doesn't really matter that he might feel hurt and rejected upon hearing your words on the matter. After all, its his actions remaining the same that you fully admit will lead to him being hurt and entirely rejected by you. Perhaps suggest he try something different and see how well it works before deciding his current methods are best? The kid is 3, 3 year olds are not men. They are small children and small children cry. Link to post Share on other sites
DaisyLeigh Posted February 19, 2011 Share Posted February 19, 2011 I sincerely hope that you plan to use some sort of discipline with your children, because if not, I truly feel sorry for them and the rest of the world around them. You don't have to beat the **** out of your kid to teach them right from wrong. You don't have to belittle them. But all children need to be taught how to behave properly and not be allowed to run wild and do whatever the hell they want. Link to post Share on other sites
xpaperxcutx Posted February 19, 2011 Share Posted February 19, 2011 There's disciplining and then there's disciplining. I grew up in China where spanking and rulers are used. No, it wasn't the most effective way of disciplining a child but it was the only way adults knew how. I'm firm believer that kids can be taught, but yelling and hitting them aren't the solution. You want to to teach them? Set an example and have patience. I hope your bf's screaming and need to " bully" his kid doesn't make the boy emotionally distant in the future. Link to post Share on other sites
SweetD Posted February 21, 2011 Share Posted February 21, 2011 I love him, and I love who he is. I don't judge him for this or think my way is better. It's just I could not live with his way. Believe me, if this were your child (a shared child), you most certainly WOULD be judging him. You would be resenting him. You would be tempted to take your child and run at times. Believe me, I know. My fiance and I have been together for a year and a half and he can be a nitpicking, "controller" (by my standards). Like you, I believe in giving children more freedom to make their own mistakes and learn from them. Child psychology dictates that children who have lessons agressively crammed down their throats will be less likely to make decisions later in life as an adult. They were never taught a skill set, rather they were forced to do things one way, and only one way...which we all know is not how life works. My boyfriend resented me questioning his parenting style at first, and granted I probably did not address the issues in the most friendly manner. However, we are now going to parenting classes under the impression that we BOTH have things to learn. After all, no one is a perfect parent. So what about your situation? Let me be clear about this: If you ever plan to have children with this man, OR if you give one lick about the child he has already, it is vital, I repeat, VITAL that you say something to your boyfriend. There will be hurt feelings, sure. But covering up your true feelings to spare his is not the sign of a healthy relationship. Maybe you feel it is not your position to say something, seeing as you are not a biological part of their relationship. But you could frame your concern in a way which will validate your feelings, "As a woman who hopes to have children with you someday..." "As someone who cares deeply for your son..." etc. Additionally, it is vital that you do not say that he is wrong and you are right. Otherwise you will have a defensive and agressive parent on your hands who will probably disresgard everything you say as a form of defense. Hope this helps. Link to post Share on other sites
Author cloudstoday Posted February 22, 2011 Author Share Posted February 22, 2011 Thanks for your comment sweetd, that's exactly what I'm struggling with right now. I know I need to say something, I"m just so worried something terrible will come out of it. I managed to start a conversation about possibly going to therapy, which he seemed okay with, so I thought maybe that would be a place where I could bring it up without him feeling like I'm attacking him. He usually immediately regrets yelling at his son, especially when I'm in the room, so I think he realizes it's not really okay. I find myself wanting to protect the child, and getting angry at my boyfriend as a result, but still not saying anything. It's such a difficult situation, and feels so delicate. I do feel like it's not my place to play the parent role, so stifle my protests more than I would otherwise. But if he's as serious about us as he says he is, and I know how much I want to be with him, then this can't stay the same. I could never have a child with someone who had such a radically different view of parenting than I do. Link to post Share on other sites
austyre Posted February 25, 2011 Share Posted February 25, 2011 I was taught by loving parents that example is the only way to go in raising kids>sounds like your BF has a few issues of his own just my opinion, If you want just be A Example to his son and more importantly too the boyfriend and show him by your actions(not words) be kind and be the opposite to him(BF)treat his son with respect and fair play maybe your BF friend might notice your actions towards his son sounds easy>but alot of hard work and patiences lifetime commitment) Link to post Share on other sites
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