cloudstoday Posted February 19, 2011 Posted February 19, 2011 As some of you might know my ex, who broke up with me three weeks ago contacted me this week and is being overwhelmingly wonderful trying to get me back. I've been completely blunt about most of the things that weren't working for us, namely the fact that he couldn't tell me he was feeling overwhelmed and nervous about us. I was supposed to be moving there for the summer, taking my last university course in his city's university. All the way through our relationship I've talked about this desire to go on a big trip when I graduate, back packing or living in another country for a month or so, just to celebrate finishing the hardest 4 and half years of my life. I mentioned a few weeks before the break up while we were talking about me moving to his city for the summer that I still wanted some sort of celebratory trip to be on the table. That I was willing to compromise on the length but I still wanted to go somewhere. Thing is he has a three year old, so he can't come. We both work for an airline, so he'd be able to do brief visits, but he pretty much flat out said he's break up with me if I decided to go on that trip. I guess that, plus other things built up ( his feeling responsible for me when I moved to his city, away from all my friends and family) into this huge thing in his head that HE NEVER TALKED TO ME ABOUT. I thought things were going okay, despite him being uncomfortable talking and hearing about emotions and fears, when he started talking about it all being too much, and then just as suddenly ended it. Now he's saying that he's willing change, that he wants to go to therapy with me, work things out. That he realizes he's got some growing up to do and that he doesn't want to be running away from the hard things in life anymore. I already applied at another university across the country during the break up, thinking the farther I got away from bumping into him the better, though I still have my application at his. He keeps saying I'm the best thing that ever happened to him and he's so sorry he freaked out when things got hard. And I definitely haven't made it easy these past few days, being so completely honest about how hurt and angry I am. And he's still saying the same things he was when we first talked on tuesday, that he's willing to wait, however long it takes for me to forgive him. That he's not going anywhere, that he knows I'm worth the wait. And I believe he believes what he's saying. And it's making me want him even more than I did before the break up. But in the back of my head, I can't help thinking, "What if?" What if this is just him wanting me back because he's hurting? I'm not going to be a different person. I'm still going to want to tell him how I feel, and even more now, expect him to tell me how he feels, if and when something is bothering him. What if he decides again that he's not okay with that? There's also something very big and important that I haven't told him yet. I am very uncomfortable with the way he parents his son. I don't have any kids of my own, but I firmly believe that disciplining a child only serves to make them believe you as the parent want to control them, and that you feel out of control and that you don't believe them capable of doing anything right on their own. It doesn't help them learn how to express themselves or their emotions, it doesn't help them find healthy, nonrepressive ways to deal with the difficulties of life. When I have kids I want to be able to accept them completely as they are, not force them to be something I want. Yes, this will be hard, but it's the way I would have wanted to be parented as a kid. He doesn't know this is how I feel. He is big on punishment, yelling and repressing emotions. He yells at his son daily. And I've heard him many times tell his upset child to suck it up, be a man and not cry. Because he's a boy and boys don't cry. I'm not trying to say that this is wrong, or bad, just that I do not want this. That I don't agree with it. And it scares me when it happens because their relationship is so fraught with tension as a result. It makes me uncomfortable to think that this is what I will have to deal with if I go back to him. I love him, and I love who he is. I don't judge him for this or think my way is better. It's just I could not live with his way. And I know, if we were to even try to get back together, I would have to tell him. But how the hell do I do that?? He'll be so hurt and feel rejected. how can I ever tell him if I think it's what will be the end of us for sure this time?? But how can I not knowing I can't live with it? Has anyone else ever been in this situation?
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