mrconfused Posted February 19, 2011 Posted February 19, 2011 Hello. I have been married for almost 9 years, and have a child with my wife. Over the past few months I have been becoming friends with someone I work with. And I'm finding myself falling for her hard. My Wife and I get along most of the time but find myself every now and then getting angry over things such money, time spent together and intimacy. The same issues keep coming out a few times a year, we talk about them. and things calm down but they keep coming back because they never seem to get resolved. I'm sitting here right now writing this post because I'm again thinking about the other person. The other woman is not married but is currently dating 2 other guys. And does not know that I'm interested in her.
Duckduckgoose Posted February 19, 2011 Posted February 19, 2011 Stop contacting her right now. For as long as you talk to this woman you will never work things out with your wife. You are having an emotional affair.
Yasuandio Posted February 19, 2011 Posted February 19, 2011 You are doing the right thing by posting here. LISTEN to Duckduckgoose, and reseach what you've gotten yourself into. I suggest you study the "Marriage Builders" website. Pay special attention to the results of EA or PA and the definition of Emotional Needs.
Author mrconfused Posted February 19, 2011 Author Posted February 19, 2011 Thanks for the feed back. Not contacting her is extremely hard as we both work for a small business and our positions require us to to see and talk to each other. Financially I can not afford to quit or we will end up losing everything.
trippi1432 Posted February 19, 2011 Posted February 19, 2011 Mr C - Not talking to this woman is as easy as just remembering that you are a married man with a wife and family at home. Also seeing the reality that the woman you are thinking about is a single woman with many men about her...reality check. The things that you cite you are unhappy about in your marriage are not your wife's fault or the fault of being in a marriage at all....the source of your unhappiness is inside of you. Those things...money, time spent together and intimacy...well, do you really think that they would be any better off if you were single and STILL trying to get this other woman's attention?? Again...reality check. Check out the marriage builder's website and work with what you DO have going for you...many people will tell you that the grass only LOOKS greener....typically what you find is a lot of horse manure.
fiat500 Posted February 19, 2011 Posted February 19, 2011 many people will tell you that the grass only LOOKS greener....typically what you find is a lot of horse manure. a woman is only perfect when you don't know her all that well and the only flaws she may have are left up to your imagination. that's the only time someone will be completely perfect. but that's a deadly fantasy to have.
whichwayisup Posted February 19, 2011 Posted February 19, 2011 Hello. I have been married for almost 9 years, and have a child with my wife. Over the past few months I have been becoming friends with someone I work with. And I'm finding myself falling for her hard. My Wife and I get along most of the time but find myself every now and then getting angry over things such money, time spent together and intimacy. The same issues keep coming out a few times a year, we talk about them. and things calm down but they keep coming back because they never seem to get resolved. I'm sitting here right now writing this post because I'm again thinking about the other person. The other woman is not married but is currently dating 2 other guys. And does not know that I'm interested in her. Keep that way! Let it stay a crush. Focus that energy into your wife! Make time for her, go on a date, get a sitter or drop the kids off at the grandparents for a weekend. The grass IS greener, this new woman has made you feel alive, sexy and got your heart pumping. Okay, we all like attention from others, but when you start to have thoughts of pursuing that person, on the expense of your wife and kids, that's just selfish and WILL cause alot of heartache and pain. Is your marriage, and what you have now with your wife, your family life as you know it, worth throwing away for some woman who's caught your eye and makes you feel good? Go ahead and cheat. You'll so regret it once you get caught and your wife finds out. Do you have any idea HOW many people here go for it, then later regret it? They have SO MUCH TO LOSE, but don't think of all that stuff before cheating. You love your wife? Tell her NOW that another woman has caught your eye. that the marriage is in trouble and that you two need to work together to make the marriage better and connect as husband and wife. Trust me, if you tell your wife this, she WILL react and wake up. Wouldn't you? IF your wife was lusting after another man, and felt as you do in the marriage, and she told you that she wanted someone else, that would make you realize something is wrong, right? You're putting yourself in the line of fire, in a position where you will have to choose. This woman or your wife. Or, you'll end up having a long term affair, hurting two women. Think about it all before you jump into the arms of another woman. Thanks for the feed back. Not contacting her is extremely hard as we both work for a small business and our positions require us to to see and talk to each other. Financially I can not afford to quit or we will end up losing everything. All the more reason NOT to have an affair with her! She's your co-worker at a small business. Is having her worth throwing away your life as you know it? Marriage, job, family life, house.... THINK. Take a step back and realize what you are doing is only going to cause a rollercoaster ride of emotions. Take time to read in the OW/OM section, read what you're up against. Take time to read in the infidelity section, are you sure you want to selfishly inflict the pain of betrayal, loss of trust, respect from your wife? Let alone how she looks at you now. Trust and faith.. ALL GONE, out the window, when you cheat..That is, IF you choose to cheat on her. Ask yourself what's going on inside of you to want to reach out to someone else and not turn to your wife? Try talking to your wife, then go from there. Forget this OW, it'll only cause pain opening that door. Hope this helps. Bottomline is, either fix your marriage, or divorce. Don't cheat on your wife. Its' just plain cruel and selfish to do so.
GreenPolicy Posted February 19, 2011 Posted February 19, 2011 This OW represents a fantasy: passion, romance, no changing dirty diapers, no arguing over the cable bill, you never see her in sweatpants and an old ratty t-shirt with her hair pulled back in a bun doing the dishes, etc. Work things out with your wife and forget about the OW.
carhill Posted February 19, 2011 Posted February 19, 2011 OP, why are you 'falling' for your co-worker? Simple question. Adjunct to that, how many close female friends would you say you and your wife have? Welcome to LS
Yasuandio Posted February 19, 2011 Posted February 19, 2011 You are hearing and will contiinue to hear from the most experienced and dedicated members of this board. You are at a cross-road. And the resource you need is on-line for free "marriage-builders.com.". Let' hope and pray we don't have to recomend alternative materials that you better believe are going to give you a tough go it, IF, you get a go of it at all. Marriage Builders is going to tell you how to prevent an marital affair thru total transparency and honesty which you can begin to initiate apriori. Yes, she will be hurt, but. In the long run she will love you more for disclosing this to her; and the two of you work together to enrich your marriage. OR AT THE VERY LEAST KEEP IT ZIPPED. Good luck! Bravo for stopping and thinking before acting! That's to be commended.
just_some_guy Posted February 19, 2011 Posted February 19, 2011 That "falling in love" feeling or infatuation stage is a powerful one and it feels great. The thing is, it doesn't last. It also de-humanizes the object of affection. The real source of this feeling is internal to ourselves. We project something onto the other person that we feel we are not in touch with within ourselves. It's all steeped in the language Jungian depth psychology, but this "falling hard" feeling is really about something internal, not the other person. Real love is that which lasts and persists through the everyday activities of life, washing the dishes paying the bills, arguing and laughing. What is it about this other woman that you find fascinating? Write it all down in a list. Then for each of these things, ask "what is it about me that is missing in my self, that's gone ignored, that I want for and in myself." The reality is that the OW is just a human being. If you were in a relationship with her, over time, this joy will fade and the exact same realities you are facing today with your wife, will be present in her. The problems will follow you, wherever you go, until you deal with them. You must work through this for the sake of your child and wife. It wouldn't be a bad idea to seek individual counseling so you have a place to talk this out.
Yasuandio Posted February 21, 2011 Posted February 21, 2011 (edited) Thanks for the feed back. Not contacting her is extremely hard as we both work for a small business and our positions require us to to see and talk to each other. Financially I can not afford to quit or we will end up losing everything. If you are into this so deep, that by your own suggestion, quitting would actually be on the table if it were not a financial issue, then I have a feeling you have a bigger problem than I orginally gathered from your post. Is it possible that finding another job is the only answer? OR Is it possible that by keeping the job you "will end up losing everyhing?" Marriage Builders website is going to tell you that being anywhere near this woman is unacceptable. For instance, Mr. Confused, unconfuse yourself for a moment and picture your wife with the same exact delemma. Would you want the temptation in her face everyday at work? Marriage Builders also has some comentary on how these office "affairs" become problematic in the workplace. Would you want your employer to know your breaking your marriage vows with this woman (even if it's in your head)? How would your employee feel about her having a relationship with a married man in the office? What happens if you two would have a falling out? Would it effect your work? Food for thought, Mr. Confused, food for thought. Edited February 21, 2011 by Yasuandio
Soxfaninfl Posted February 21, 2011 Posted February 21, 2011 Never work with your bf or gf cause if it doesn't work out, you will have to see them after the break up. I work with my stbxw, and it sucks that I sometimes see her at the office. We were married for 10 years and have a 7 year old son together. You don't want to put your child through a divorce. Read about the effects on children that divorce causes. Plus children need counseling when they are going through separation/divorce. I didn't want my divorce, and pains me to have to see my son go through it. My parents are still together after 38 years. Dont be selfish. You have no gaurantee that this relationship with this woman will work out. The grass is not greener.
YellowShark Posted February 21, 2011 Posted February 21, 2011 Thanks for the feed back. Not contacting her is extremely hard as we both work for a small business and our positions require us to to see and talk to each other. Ok. Here's the score. You've crossed the barrier and are fantasizing obsessively about this woman at work who is not your wife. That's the beginning of the emotional affair. Soon you'll invest more emotional energy at her, and take it away from your wife. So your relationship will suffer. You will begin to make excuses internally why your wife sucks, and this woman is perfect. Financially I can not afford to quit or we will end up losing everything. So let's call this alternate reality #2. You play your hand and the girl at work does one of two things. A) She reciprocates and you begin an affair - (alternate reality #3.) B) She is repulsed and it becomes very uncomfortable for you at work - (alternate reality #2.) And you NEED this job. You cannot jeopardize it. You said yourself you will loose everything. But for the sake of conversation let's say your fantasy comes true and she reciprocates and you begin an affair - (alternate reality #3.) What happens when your wife finds out and your boss finds out? It becomes very uncomfortable for you at work again, and at home. Double whammy. In reality #3 you could actually end up in a basement apartment eating off a hotplate paying support. I guess the moral to this is never fish off the company pier, and things such money, time spent together and intimacy are challenges EVERY marriage has to deal with. So don't use those as rationalizations why your marriage is so bad. Hit the brakes mrconfused. Take a deep breath.
Author mrconfused Posted February 21, 2011 Author Posted February 21, 2011 Thanks again everyone. I'm going to take some of that advise and do something, I'm going to go seek counseling. I need to work through these felling for the OW and really figure out WHY they started in the first place. And start working on the root cause. I know that a workplace relationship does not always work and a lot of people say they never work. But my wife and I actually met at work and worked together for about 5 years before we got married. So in my head I do see that a workplace relationship can work. (I'm NOT saying its worth the risk, just that i know they can work). carhill, you asked why am I falling for this person, well she is beautiful, smart, fun. She put a smile on my face even on the darkest of days. I feel so comfortable around her. My wife and I don't have a lot of friends we a few couples that we do things with a few times a year. but spend more time with family than we do friends.
Duckduckgoose Posted February 21, 2011 Posted February 21, 2011 Thanks again everyone. I'm going to take some of that advise and do something, I'm going to go seek counseling. I need to work through these felling for the OW and really figure out WHY they started in the first place. And start working on the root cause. I know that a workplace relationship does not always work and a lot of people say they never work. But my wife and I actually met at work and worked together for about 5 years before we got married. So in my head I do see that a workplace relationship can work. (I'm NOT saying its worth the risk, just that i know they can work). carhill, you asked why am I falling for this person, well she is beautiful, smart, fun. She put a smile on my face even on the darkest of days. I feel so comfortable around her. My wife and I don't have a lot of friends we a few couples that we do things with a few times a year. but spend more time with family than we do friends. Awesome! Remember that the feelings you have for OW you can rekindle with your wife too. And just so you don't get a bad counselor just remember a counselor won't put you don't or make you feel stupid they will try to build you up and help you understand. And while I can't speak for everyone on this, 3 of my exbfs were relationships started at work, and yeah it made things really awkward when the relationships ended. And you and your wife not having lots of friends or fun? That is something to discuss with your counselor. You should have mutual friends and not-mutual friends, both of you. I am learning that is healthy... if you withdraw into the marriage and expect it to fulfill your happiness you will be left wanting. Your W might be doing that, or you might... or both. And this OW? This single OW with men flocking off of her? She sounds like she might be a catch, but seriously you gotta wonder why she is single when she has all this male attention. I would take it as a red flag. Keep your associations with her to a minimum. Business only. Good luck and keep us updated!
carhill Posted February 21, 2011 Posted February 21, 2011 carhill, you asked why am I falling for this person, well she is beautiful, smart, fun. She put a smile on my face even on the darkest of days. I feel so comfortable around her. My wife and I don't have a lot of friends we a few couples that we do things with a few times a year. but spend more time with family than we do friends.I would assume you have met or will meet many people answering that description in life. Such people are great assets to have in one's life. That doesn't mean we have to fall in love with them. That part is a choice. You're at a crossroads. If your M is unhealthy and irreconcilable, end it. If you feel it is reconcilable, prioritize it and seek help to properly enact boundaries at work and in life. Think of them as tools for success. If your wife was looking over your shoulder as you write these posts, how would she feel? What would she say if you disclosed your infatuation and that you are choosing to ignore it and prioritize your M and seek counseling? One way to find out, right? Working on your M is going to take *both* of you. You can't do it alone. Your W has to be willing. Hope it works out
Author mrconfused Posted February 21, 2011 Author Posted February 21, 2011 I have my 1st appointment to see a counselor tomorrow, After I seeing how that goes. I will look at what I should do next, Tell my W and try to work through it as a couple? Do I make any changes at work such as see if there is anyway to have less contact with the OW? Do I tell the OW? I'm hoping that with seeking my individual help I will be able to figure out WHY this has happened and to be able to truly decide what I want in life. Thanks for all your advice, and support. I'm glad I found somewhere where I can get things out there without being negatively judged. This site is truly a great place.
Soxfaninfl Posted February 21, 2011 Posted February 21, 2011 I know that a workplace relationship does not always work and a lot of people say they never work. But my wife and I actually met at work and worked together for about 5 years before we got married. So in my head I do see that a workplace relationship can work. (I'm NOT saying its worth the risk, just that i know they can work). I met my stbx wife at work 12 years ago. We worked with each other for about a year in the beginning of our relationship. Flash forward into the future, we were working for the same company again. We did this for the last four years. It put a strain on us cause we were always together, plus she had hardly any friends. Her two close friends moved out of state. I needed space when we would get home, and she saw that as neglect. Our relationship became stagnant because we spent so much time together. Well it sucks now that I will always have to see her. I work in a building with 1,100 employees, and everyone in our office knows that we are going through a divorce and have been separated for a while now. It sucks that I see her occasionally at work. I try to avoid seeing her as much as possible. The worst part will be is when I have to attend a meeting with her in it.
Author mrconfused Posted February 23, 2011 Author Posted February 23, 2011 So I have started my counseling. And I have also told my wife about the OW. She was hurt that our marriage has gotten to that point. but is willing to try to work through it. She understands that I need to continue to work with her. So we are going to continue to try to work things out and see where it goes.
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