Even when they do say they want you back, it's still broken. ( LONG POST!!)

[K.K.]

I know I haven't posted much but I gotta tell ya... like so many of you, I've been going through the most painful breakup of my life. And I thank you all... because sometimes I think if it wouldn't have been for being able to come here and read all your stories and feel all of our shared pain and empathy, I would've completely crumbled. Sometimes even reading one thread made the difference in whether or not I slept that night.

 

My backstory is long and I'm afraid if I even get into half of it, I'll never stop crying.

 

But the main jist is that I had been with my boyfriend for 3 and a half years when he got the GIGS syndrome and dumped me. Thing is, it wasn't the first time. He has dumped me probably 4 times in those years. Never actually telling me goodbye like a regular person would, but just simply by not talking to me anymore. Then each time, after about a month... he would start sending me the texts and voicemails saying he messed up and needed me back.

 

I'd go back everytime. Why? Well... when we were good, we were good and I can honestly say that I have never and will never love anybody again the way that I loved him- if I ever love at all. Plus, there were alot of outside influences that messed us up. His family. My family. His need to be Mr. Popular compared to my need for quietness and keeping a low profile. His complete selfishness.

 

We fought alot. He would get drunk and beat on me sometimes. He was mentally abusive as well. I have no self esteem left- lets just say that. He would tell me how so and so girl probably was a better lay than me. How he couldn't wait to get his hands on her. How I was old. And ugly. And a bitch. He almost killed us in a car accident last year. On purpose. He has called me crying time and time again only to have me go meet him somewhere and when I would back up towards the door, he would lunge at me out of the clear blue sky and try to beat on me. Claw my throat. Punch me in the stomach. He would say that he did that because he didn't want me to leave. He would be extremely sorry and I know that the things he said to me he probably didn't mean but God, I'd never do that to anybody. It wasn't always like this. It just seemed to get progressively worse.

 

It's been 3 months since we have been apart. I have been no contact the entire time. The last time we talked was the last day we talked. It was me- begging and crying for him not to leave me and him, asking me why everything had to always be the "end of the world" to me. He has sent me some voicemails at first- cocky and hurtful and then slowly with more time passing that I would not talk to him, they started getting extremely apologetic.

 

I know when I read what I just wrote about how he treated me, it seems like a duh moment. Who would tell somebody to go back to someone like that. The thing is, I loved this guy almost unconditionally. He has something in him that is so good. He wants to be such a good man. I have helped him along through it all. Tried to better him, tried to be there for him. Because I know deep inside him that there must be some good or else... I've been loving a monster all this time. Which I think may be the case.

 

I've always told him since the beginning that if he ever cheated on me or touched another woman in any way that I was never coming back. I know this is a new age but I'm old school and just figured I could never look at him the same. What we had together when it was good was nothing short of magic. Both of us so in love. So satisfied with each other. So romantic. He bought me a ring and I said yes and then the world exploded.

 

After fighting non stop for a month, he just simply... left me. Two days later he put up his profile on dating sites which just absolutely crushed me. Adult friend finder. All that. He joined facebook where he proceeded to try to hook up with anything that walked and all his high school friends. He plastered his picture up of him and some new girl with his arm around her, knowing that I'd see it. It devastated me. I mean really. I sat there looking at it in shock. Couldn't believe it. Broke my ****ing heart.

 

I was doing ok after that because something in me just snapped and hatred took over.

 

So now last week, he took down the picture. I guess he has figured out that the grass is not greener on the other side. He finally sent me voicemails last week saying he ****ed up and needed me back. Crying like he always did. ****ing with my head. Thanking me for being so kind to him all those years. I felt this satisfaction finally but didn't respond. How could I? What's there to say? He slept with another girl and I just can't get past that. I don't care if it's childish or whatnot. I can never look into his beautiful eyes again and let him put his hands on me knowing that he did this to another girl. I don't care if it was a one night stand or guys do this to get over you blah blah. I just can't see past it. I never asked him but I assume he did sleep with her. He never said he didn't like all the other times we broke up and the pic was taken at his house. That was my one condition in loving him. My dealbreaker. I'd have rather him beat me senseless than to touch another.

 

The point of this whole thing is that last night, he left me more voicemails. And this time, I could genuinely tell that he hated himself for what he has done to me. Said he'd never hit me again if I came back (lie). Said he was so stupid for doing what he did but he was feeling pressure from his family to be rid of me. Anyway, he just kept crying and screaming my name. Sobbing hysterically and begging me to come back. Me not speaking to him is killing him. Begged me to never cut him off from leaving me voicemails.

 

I am in so much pain this morning. Why? Because I feel so horrible for him. Can you believe that???? He **** in my face. Beat me. Dumped me time and time again and still.... hearing him cry and saying he couldn't live without me anymore just tore me up. I loved this person more than life. But I can't be just his friend. And I don't see how I can go back after he has slept with somebody else. Or probably even if he hadn't. How can I go back to that? My life has been misery since he's been gone. I'm 40 something years old and will probably die alone. I can't get over him. I'm traumatized. And now I'm feeling guilty and like **** because HE is hurting.

 

If you made it this far and anybody has any sense to kick in my head please do. I'm not going to be able to keep on not responding to him because he's a human being and he's hurting and I just don't know what to say to him. And at the same time, I know that if I do respond, I'm just walking back into the **** and I bet he will be sitting there with a wicked smile like the monster that half of him is.

 

What do I do? How can I keep ignoring him? He's playing with me again, right? He figured I'd be there time and time again when he decided to come back and now I'm not and it's freaking him out. Why do people have to treat each other with such cruelty?! And then expect sympathy? Why do I feel bad for HIM??? Hearing his pain made me absolutely die inside. But he didn't care about mine.

 

I can't stop crying now. Please help.

[is2008]

hey there,

 

i'm sorry to hear that you're going through such a tough time. the guy is abusive. physically and mentally. by accepting him back into your life you're telling him that it's okay to treat you like that.

 

secondly, the dealbreaker... you need to keep your morals so that people do not take you for granted. if you go back to him now, how long will it be before he has another episode of GIGS? perhaps the new girl didn't enjoy the physical abuse and left his sorry ass?

 

i know you have a lot of feelings for him, and the good times were really good but isn't that the same for every relationship? i also notice you're concerned that you'll end up lonely in life. is it better to be lonely and not abused than to be with someone and be hurt by them?

 

you will find someone new. just allow yourself time and space to heal from this relationship. perhaps deactivating your facebook and changing your number would be a good start.

 

also, what you're feeling is empathy. it's particularly strong because you have shared loving memories with this man. i feel empathy for my ex when she gives me her sob stories and we melt because we have such a strong bond with them.

 

i think you're right to maintain NC, and you need to go that one step further by cutting all lines of communication. it really is for the best i think. if you really want to be with him, and you think he has changed, lay some new ground rules. you're the one in control. physical abuse is not acceptable.

[broken-and-lost]

unless this guys is getting help before even wanting to get back together you have to stay strong with your NC if you love him let him sort himself out, saying he wants you back isn't getting help for the problems he has and he will only do it again until it's sorted and his is willing to put you first above himself.

 

I know your pain worrying about your age but that's no good reason to take someone back who has made no effort to change their life, so as to make yours a happier one

 

hugs be strong where possible

[K.K.]

Thank you both. My day has been completely ruined. I can't stop feeling that sickening pain of hearing him hurting. I feel like an ass not responding but i keep asking myself well.. what do i expect from it by responding. I could probably call him up and we would be back together in a minute but why. It's like you said. How long till he got the gigs again. How long till he hit me again.

 

I swear. this **** hurts so goddamned bad.

 

i am sitting here trying to get drunkk enough to send him a voicemail. but the words..they just won't come.

 

you can't undo it.

 

see thats the thing.

 

he can't undo it.

 

he can't un**** her.

 

the hitting was a piece of cake.

 

but he can't un**** her.

[Truane71]

You need to take a long hard look in the mirror and find some respect for yourself! **** this guy. He sounds like a piece of trash and the simple fact that you feel anything towards him besides hatred shows how low your opinion of yourself is. At the risk of sounding insensitive, him having sex with another woman is actually doing you a favor whether you realize it or not. He's abused you time and again and still you love him? Really? Here's a reality check, if you love someone you don't treat them like that. He didn't love you. Maybe he did once, but actions speak louder than words and beating on you and leaving you over and over says a whole lot more than some snivelling voicemails.

 

Seriously, stop pining over this jerk and start looking out for yourself. Do not respond, he doesn't deserve the satisfaction.

[K.K.]

yeah i know. that's what i keep telling myself too. actions speak louder than words and yea my self esteem is definitely in the toilet. I just felt so bad hearing him cry ya know. I still have not voicemailed him. I bet it would go something like this.. me... blah blah you hurt me..blah and him like..um...well yea...can you think of something nice to say?

[K.K.]

oh and i do have respect for myself. i guess just not when it comes to him. i have turned down a whole lot of offers lately. Why? because I'm not over him. how i can possibly be with anybody else when i'm not over him? I can't. he could.

[K.K.]

****. my goddamned avatar is huge isn't it...

[K.K.]

Ok well i ahve drunk 12 beers now and sufficiently drunk for someone my size and still...cannot.. come up with words to say to him. I just wanted to leave him a voicemail ya know...just to let him know..that I haven't forgotten but when I think of the words..they just won't come. He ****ed me over so bad. I just can't string together the words. He probably sits at home wondering why I don't care when my whole day has consisted of what the hell I can say to him. ugh

[angelboots]

I hope you dont say anything k.k.

 

Seriously this guy doesn't deserve your response, not ANYTHING, its almost like the way a two year old might ask for a lolly before dinner. you say "no you cant have a lolly" and they keep asking. If by the third time they ask if you give in, you haven't taught them that "no means no" you have taught them "no means yes if you bug me enough" and they know that next time if they keep asking you will give in.

 

Its the same with your ex, he is escalating hes level of "wanting you back, im crying see i miss you" as a form of emotional blackmail, possibly because when he acted similar before you would cave in and accept him back?

 

By responding at all your validating hes behavior, showing that you are not strong enough too be with out him and allowing him the instant ego boost of knowing your still there at hes beck and call.

 

You know things wont change, you know the damage done is too big to fix, you know he will hurt you again physcally, mentally and emotionally AND you know he will leave again.

 

You can stop this dance with him and move on but at this point you have to be the strong one for you both.

 

I know because I am doing at the moment with my ex.. he wanted to come back after dumping me HORRIFICALLY and trying to run back to hes ex who rejected him... It hurts to say no, because this whole break up i have been wanting him to say the magic words "i want you back" but when he did, its was hollow because i know the dance with him so well now. i could see another month of drama, me crying, him using me and treating me as a fall back option, hes ex saying "hi" and him dumping me to see if a hi from her meant she wanted him back..... then him coming back crying to me again, saying he made a mistake and that he loves me blah blah blah.. balls.

 

Of course I am still in love with him. But the pattern with him was always the same and I knew nothing would change, Actions speak louder then words. Stay strong. You deserve better. WE deserve better.

Edited February 20, 2011 by angelboots

[jquest1280]

K.K., you already know the answer. And I think, part of you has already pulled away. That is a good thing. It's time to round a corner and not look back.

 

About your deal-breaker: even if he didn't sleep with her, don't go back to him. He beat you up. That is never a good sign.

 

About your age: not old at all. Still possible to fall in love with another man after 40. Pick a good man. But, he won't come to you while you're still in knots about your ex.

 

Yea, I've been there - loved a total jerk, is what you would conclude if you were to hear my story. Had women before, during and after me. But when it was just me, it was magic. I probably still love him a bit. But he no longer occupies my waking thoughts, and I have moved on to productive activities. Don't worry about dying alone - it's a very long way off, and there are no guarantees. Keep family and friends close, and pursue true happiness starting now.

[IfiKnewThen]

wow...whew thank God you're away from this guy. there's not much i can add to all the advise you're getting on here from these good people.

 

 

the only thing i want to say is that, we are definitely NOT safe with him. he seems capable of killing you. i am very serious. you nearly got in a car accident..beating you in the stomach. i am even worried about you, even though you are NOT physically with him. i wish this guy didn't even know where you live, let alone has your telephone number. no matter how much you are attached to him and feel you love him and hes not replaceable....this guy is bad bad news. and your safety and sanity and health come before "feelings" now.

 

hes not capable or truly loving you. love is not this picture. its not perfect..but its not this picture, by a long shot. this is attachment and insecurity . he is not a good man. he has -0- self control and is completely out of control. he has NOT learned his lesson.

 

he sounds like he needs rehab and anger management and God. you can not numb your pain with alcohol either. you need a clear head and pure strength and faith in yourself to stay away from him.

 

when someone hits you at first your shocked and might think you did something wrong to warrant it (if your not thinking clearly and are blinded by what you think is love) then they apologize and seem sooo sorry. they are NOT. i don't care how many tears he cries. he sounds like hes on something and a bully and selfish person. this is dangerous drama and not a game. and no way is this love on his part. stand your ground and don't pick up the phone and say anything to him at all. don't call him either. trust this much...anything you say can and will be used against you by him. thank God you got out of that situation alive. maybe stay with someone now if you feel weak and like you will cave. someone sober and clear thinking with your safety and best interest at heart. just curious do you have any children?

 

 

anyway, you can do soooo soo much better than this and be safe too. you are NOT responsible for his feelings or lack of them and madness. hes is not the good guy deep down that you think he is. and if he really is he will get real help. not talk the talk. or cry the cry either. don't let it be that you have to get more hurt to fully wake up. please. he is not your one true love. he is your true force keeping you away from "true" love and happiness and safety. please...make sure someone knows where you are at all time. sorry to sound intense, but i dont think what this guy did to you is normal or under control.

[IfiKnewThen]

typo up there in the post:

 

the only thing i want to say is that, we are definitely NOT safe with him.

 

correction...meant to type: the only thing i want to say is that, you are definitely NOT safe with him.

[K.K.]

Well, it's 3:30 in the morning and here I sit again. Depressed and destroyed. Just as I have done for the last 3 months. It's funny the stages you go through though. Sometimes the anger is so great that I just beg and plead for it to go away because I feel like it will burn me alive but then when it does, I'm left with all this emptiness and longing. Second guessing myself...and him.

 

Memories are all around me tonight. The time we went to the mountains together and sat in a little bar in the middle of nowhere where a lady got up and sang amazing grace... and he sat there with tears rolling down his face. I remember looking at him thinking that he was the most beautiful, sensitive person I'd ever seen. The time we stood outside in the wind and our song was playing and we just stood there, staring into each others eyes, feeling like the two luckiest people in the whole world that we could have this feeling. The time when he ripped my brand new blouse off of me that I had bought special- just for him and hit me in the back of my head because I was sick and couldn't keep having sex because it had been an hour already and he just wouldn't stop.

 

Oh god, I'm a mess tonight. Grieving. Just grieving.

 

Today I went to my brother's house. My whole family had turned away from me in the last year of this because they said they just couldn't bear to watch this anymore. Since they've found out that we broke up, they've tried to kind of let me back into the fold but it's not the same. Will never be the same. I sat there talking to my sister in law about it all and she was visibly shaken to realize all of what had happened to me in this time. She said that she had already known that he was a monster or at the very least psychopathic. The part that killed me the worst is probably the part that everyone tells me... that he didn't really love me. He just preyed on me and my kindness and insecurities. He must've loved me sometime...someway.. because you just can't fake what I felt coming out of him for me so many times. He loved me. I know it. He was just crazy.

 

My sister in law then bombshelled me by telling me that they got a phone call the other night that my ex boyfriend... my ex baby... my ex life had tried to force himself on a girl last week. The day before he sent me those crying voicemails. That's when I remembered that the first night we were together, I had said no at least 20 times but we were drunk and he kept at it until I basically gave in. It was not rape but I remember thinking that he looked like he was in some kind of zone and it was a little scary. But by then, I was in love with him already and that's the night I lost whoever I used to be to him.

 

After she told me that, everything else was a blur of emotion and memories. The weird thing is is while I was there, he sent me 4 texts one right after the other when he usually never texts because I never respond. One was a picture of him smiling saying he loves my memory. One was a jab about how he wished he could go back in time and be ****ing me and only me. (yea, he actually said that can you believe that ****) Far cry from the despondent mess he was on the voicemails.I drove back to my house and on the way, made 2 voicemails for him. They were angry voicemails mostly. Alot of 'how could you have done this me!?! WHY WHY WHYYYY?!! I held your hand when your grandmother took her last breath and you were writhing in agony WHYYYYY WHYYYYYY WHYYYY'

 

Ugh god.

 

But I DID NOT SEND THEM. I sent them to myself.

 

I want to make him sit in front of me like they do in jail when somebody murders someone's loved one and they get their chance to confront them. I want to scream in his face, "YOU MURDERED ME. BROKE MY SOUL APART."

 

But there is never going to be an answer why. He will never get it no matter how much I cry or scream or any of it! But I am going to explode if I don't tell him how much he hurt me!! And what a monster he is!! How weird he is with the sex and the porn and the forcing himself on people and then trying to come back to me like he's the greatest guy ever!

 

So now here I sit. Hurt. Sick to my stomach. People ask you WHY do you love somebody like that. He hid it from me. I thought he was normal. I thought he was the greatest thing that ever walked the face of the earth. By the time I started figuring out he was messed up inside, I was already in.. hook, line and sinker.

 

Angelboots, I follow your posts because alot of what you say is so similar to my situation. Sometimes you and me seem to be feeling the same thing at the same time. I'm so sorry that you're going through this as well and it was what you said in your post about how he's escalating his level of wanting me back as emotional blackmail that made me not send those voicemails to him. Because I had already thought the same thing when he did it and you're right. That's exactly what he's doing. And todays smiley pics and texts from him were him being pissed that I didn't respond so he figures he'll just show me how happy he is and how some other girl gets to be with him. (um...lucky her. psshh)

 

jquest, I appreciate you validating that I have pulled away from him in some ways. For some reason that made me feel a little stronger. Thank you. Thanks for saying I'm not old.

 

IfiKnewThen, I also follow your posts and can feel your pain when you speak about your story. Thank you for your concern. It didn't sound too intense. These are the same things my own family said to me all along before they disowned me because they couldn't stand to see me bruised and crying anymore. We actually did get into an accident. I got in the car with him against my better judgement because he seemed a little off and out of nowhere he starts hitting me in the face and telling me this it that we are dying tonight. I'm sitting there asking WHY WHY and he speeds up on the highway. I remember the last thing I was thinking before we rolled the car was how could I have done this to my family and let him take my life like this and that the speedometer said 101 and that surely meant death and I closed my eyes and prayed it didn't hurt too bad.

 

But I woke up from it, unscathed. Not a scratch. Him either. I guess God really does protect drunks and fools.

 

He lost his driving permit for a year and just got it back yesterday as a matter of fact. I think this is also giving him the urge to keep voicemailing me.

 

I know that I can't go back to him. But it doesn't stop the hurt. I'm so traumatized by the whole thing that I just can't stand on my own two feet yet and ripping him out of my heart is proving to be the hardest thing I've ever had to do. There is a part in him...however small...that is a normal person. A loving person. And it's not fair that I had to fall in love with that teeny little part. Why why why did he have to be crazy.

[jquest1280]

I want to Congratulate you for not sending those voice mails. Good girl! I got a bit scared for you when I read IfiKnewThen's post. I feel you can handle him, but do not take any chances.

 

When angry, just let it out, in here. Don't contact him.

 

Stay close to the people who truly love you (family or friends). They may be boring, but it's safe harbor.

 

Emptiness is painful, and it's normal to feel it. It's part of the process. During my time with it, I thought, maybe I have to be empty first before I can be filled, and this time with good things.

 

It's an emotional time, but it will pass. Watch yourself, and keep us posted.