Kelter82 Posted February 19, 2011 Posted February 19, 2011 Hi folks, So I'll get right to it. A few years ago I met an insanely adorable and great guy. He lives in the British Isles, I live in Canada. Last year, while I was working there, he invited me out as friends and we clicked. He was in an open relationship with the mother of his child (who is now two and a half). So we spent a couple weekends together and it was amazing. About two months ago his girlfriend left him. And two weeks ago I found a cheap flight ($600!? What is that!?) and decided I'd take a week-long vacation. We fell in love. We're very careful about what's going on with us... we both seem to try not to say those three words too often because it just kills us. We speak every day via phone/skype/msn/text/email/whatever and I don't think it's faded for either of us. We both have had opportunities to have sex with other people, numerous times, and it's funny cause he just told me this yesterday and how he has turned it down every time... he said I "broke him"... I told him the same's happened to me. We're not in a relationship, but I think we both want it. There's just this inconvenient frigging ocean stopping us. He's coming to see me in the summer for certain and maybe, hopefully, in the spring aswell. What to do.... this is driving me mad. I'm just racked. I think about him all the time and it seems like he does the same. Everything is easy with him and he makes me incredibly happy. He can go from laid back and chill to a conneseur (sp?) of all things refined. He can tease and then turn sweet. And he is so friendly and open and respectful of people it shocks me. I've never met a guy so social. Just everything.... works... But we could measure our time together, as in face to face, in DAYS. Why does this have to be the way it is? What do I do? Any advice, pleasant or unpleasant, concrete or abstract, I don't care... would be greatly appreciated... What do I do with my head? What do I do about this whole thing? Has anyone ever been in this position before who could help me? I'm afraid of leaving Canada... I know I'd miss it incredibly... but I also love where he lives... It's friendly, quaint, small but bustling, and really beautiful.
TokyoG33kyGal Posted February 19, 2011 Posted February 19, 2011 my fiance and i started out like that. we both wanted a relationship but we cannot friggin decide because of our distance. until one day, he just said...f*ck it, i'll just meet her and take it from there. we took it one step at a time. each step we reassess our feelings and see if we're still both in the same page, if it's still working for the both of us. we're madly in love with each other but we're both realistic in our approach. we both decided that we should at least try than wonder about the shoulda, woulda, couldas of our lives. hey at least i can tell my grandchildren (if that's ever gonna happen) about such a great story how i met and fell in love with this guy. my point is, what would you really lose from this? you may get your heart broken, but would you rather get heartbroken without trying or experience love and who knows, it may last forever.
creighton0123 Posted February 19, 2011 Posted February 19, 2011 Are you both living independently from parents? If you are, I'd suggest you figure out a way to have a test run, where you spend more than a week or two with one another in one sitting. Perhaps trying a few months, even if it means leaving your job and finding a new one where he lives (or vice versa). It's perfectly normal to jump right to thoughts of moving, but wouldn't it be more ideal to see if the two of you work when together for a period that lasts longer than initial passionate lust that you experience on reuniting? TokyoGal's got it right - take one step at a time and discuss and reassess where you are at least every two weeks. You two need to make the perfect LDR before you transition into the perfect relationship... since you never had the true benefit of starting out in a relationship before you were separated. How much face to face time have you two had before you returned to Canada?
Author Kelter82 Posted February 20, 2011 Author Posted February 20, 2011 It's funny, I posted this EXACT thing on another forum and the responses were completely different ("you're just a girl gone mad with hormones" and other snyde remarks...) which fair enough, your opinion is your opinion. But I didn't post for people to tell me I'm a fool who isn't thinking straight. I just want gentle words of advice... so thank you both. You're both right. And the reason we aren't in a relationship is because we now that at the moment, at least, it would be foolish. I'd say we've had a month or maybe slightly more face-to-face, which isn't much, and we both understand this. We get that we have to keep our head's on straight... if, next time we see eachother, we decide to try for something bigger, then we'll go for it... but only for a few months at a time. I might try to get into a university over there, or he may come here to work the rigs or go to school (the latter probably won't happen unless he gets laid off, and even then he'd still have to find a way to see his son frequently... yeah, complicated) I do want to try (good GOD do I want to try) but I suppose it's anything with time eh? What am I gonna do with myself in the meantime...? I need a project or something. Something to occupy myself with.
LittleTiger Posted February 20, 2011 Posted February 20, 2011 I don't think you'll get anybody on the LDR section of LS calling you 'a girl gone mad with hormones' so you've definitely come to the right place. You say you think it would be 'foolish' to be in a relationship? There are quite a number of people here who would say otherwise. If you believe this guy is special then why not give it go? You have nothing to lose. I agree with Creighton that you shouldn't jump straight to moving before you've tried out the relationship but there are several of us here who are a testament to the fact that LDRs can work. I live in the UK and my partner is in NZ. We see each other for 3 to 5 weeks at a time, with three months between visits. It's not ideal long term but it works for now. Some people here have long-weekend visits with less time in between. Obviously it depends on your work schedules etc but is there any way you could organise regular trips to visit one another? There's no way any of us can see into the future so I wouldn't worry too much at this stage about how things might work regarding moving jobs and seeing family - or custody problems if that's what you're talking about with his son. Just get the relationship going first and take it one step at a time.
Author Kelter82 Posted February 20, 2011 Author Posted February 20, 2011 I love this optimism, even when you don't know me. I've been getting a lot of pessimism from my family and friends and it takes a toll. I think that I consider being in a relationship foolish at this stage because we don't have a game plan just yet and want to discuss it when we meet again in July. The possibility of having a relationship, what that would entail, how we'd make it work. To be honest I don't mind not having him in a relationship right now. That's not the most important thing to me at the moment. Being in his company is. But if we were to continue past when he visits in July (TWO WHOLE WEEKS! hahaha) then yeah, it'd become pretty much vital.
TokyoG33kyGal Posted February 20, 2011 Posted February 20, 2011 I love this optimism, even when you don't know me. I've been getting a lot of pessimism from my family and friends and it takes a toll. I think that I consider being in a relationship foolish at this stage because we don't have a game plan just yet and want to discuss it when we meet again in July. The possibility of having a relationship, what that would entail, how we'd make it work. To be honest I don't mind not having him in a relationship right now. That's not the most important thing to me at the moment. Being in his company is. But if we were to continue past when he visits in July (TWO WHOLE WEEKS! hahaha) then yeah, it'd become pretty much vital. that is okay, that means you got your head on straight and not just jumping into a relationship without considering the pros and cons. it's actually good to have a good balance of pessimistic and optimistic advices. the LDR forum can be pretty biased with the advice in a way that some of us here might justify the pros of having an LD relationship. you just have to find what works for you both, and not because that's what the majority said. your family and friends are probably being protective of you, so that's understandable.
Author Kelter82 Posted February 21, 2011 Author Posted February 21, 2011 It's true, there are definitely obvious and not-so-obvious downfalls to LDRs. And they're important to consider. It's just tiring never hearing a positive word from people who care about me about the idea. I think they are afraid for me and might think I'm walking on a cloud... which is partially true, I am very elated and my heart soars whenever I think of him, but my feet are still on the ground, I think. Got some amazing news today that makes my case a bit stronger, though. My old boss and his girlfriend (both of whom I'm good friends with) are engaged! He lives in Ireland and has a 6-year-old son, and she lives in the states. Yay! I dunno what their plan is but hell, they're engaged, I'm stoked for both of them. !!!!!
TokyoG33kyGal Posted February 21, 2011 Posted February 21, 2011 I think they are afraid for me and might think I'm walking on a cloud... which is partially true, I am very elated and my heart soars whenever I think of him, but my feet are still on the ground, I think. hehe aren't we all when we are in love? i do get excited hearing news like that too. means that true love still exists
Recommended Posts