newb Posted February 19, 2011 Posted February 19, 2011 How would you react if.... You are 29, very experienced in dating...you meet a 21 year old girl on a dating website, go out on a date, and things go really well. You go out a for a 2nd, 3rd and 4th date, and after the 4th date, although unspoken, you both realize she will be spending the night (but has not before). THEN, she tells you that she is not ready to have sex (intercourse), and won't have sex outside of a relationship. Eventually, a relationship starts. Just when you are anticipating sex, she tells you that she was drugged and raped (in a dark alley....really sketchy) about a year ago. She explains that she wants to have sex but needs to take more time. She is still healing and needs you to be patient, but she is full well desiring of a sexual relationship with you. Then, to top things off, she tells you that she was raped as a virgin, so she has never had consensual sex. She explains the reason as that she was raised in a religious environment, never had a relationship in college (but did have "flings" that were sexual, without intercourse), and then after the rape was very anxious about sex and thus has not yet had it. She emphasizes that she REALLY wants to move on from this and was afraid to tell you because it could be overwhelming. Up until this point, you really liked her and had the impression that she was moderately experienced (because she is very attractive, confident, and charismatic, and not religious or conservative in any way). ---WHAT WOULD BE GOING THROUGH YOUR HEAD?? ---Would you feel mislead because she waited to tell you this? ---Would you feel overwhelmed and no longer be interested in a relationship with her because of her evident "emotional baggage"? (even though she clearly wants to heal from it). ---How would this affect the way you approached things sexually with her? PLEASE PLEASE RESPOND WITH YOUR OPINION!!!! THANKS!!!!!!!!
lenny Posted February 19, 2011 Posted February 19, 2011 I honestly think I've heard this story from the female perspective and am pretty sure is was on LS. I am part of a couple forums though so maybe it was a different one. My opinion is that if you like the girl, take the bit of extra time she'll need, and go for it. It's very refreshing IMO for someone to be proactive about getting past a trauma instead of wallowing in self-pity. Good trait for a gf I think. Because of the history, I would hope you make an extra effort to show her how loving and wonderful sex can be for your first time with her. If coincidentally this story sounding familiar is because she posted on this issue as well - just a heads up but she's totally okay with oral. If coincidentally this ends up being the same person but trying to ask from the male perspective, I really hope things work out well for you and work out with this guy.
dreamingoftigers Posted February 19, 2011 Posted February 19, 2011 Omg you ae actually lucky! This girl is charming etc but turned out to be a virgin and now you have the chance to show her what a decent guy you are. She's not going to be the type to go for bad boy crap. If I was a guy I would totally wait this out and share how much I appreciated her telling me about all of this!
Sanman Posted February 19, 2011 Posted February 19, 2011 If you like the girl and want to put in the time and effort, go for it. However, I don't think most people would blame you if you aren't prepared to deal with such a situation. Whatever you do, do it with care and concern. She has been through a lot.
Ay Diesel T Posted February 19, 2011 Posted February 19, 2011 Sounds like baggage to me. What's her deal with being raped? I'd question her judgement. Why is she always in a setting where she can get raped? Sounds like a dumb broad to me. Eject. I'm sure you can find a woman with all of her qualities and who isn't a frequent victim of "rape". Lol.
anne1707 Posted February 19, 2011 Posted February 19, 2011 Sounds like baggage to me. What's her deal with being raped? I'd question her judgement. Why is she always in a setting where she can get raped? Sounds like a dumb broad to me. Eject. I'm sure you can find a woman with all of her qualities and who isn't a frequent victim of "rape". Lol. Are you saying it's her fault she was raped? That she is lacking in quality because she was raped? And what do you mean by putting rape in quotes? Are you suggesting that she was not raped?
twhisperer Posted February 19, 2011 Posted February 19, 2011 Sounds like baggage to me. What's her deal with being raped? I'd question her judgement. Why is she always in a setting where she can get raped? Sounds like a dumb broad to me. Eject. I'm sure you can find a woman with all of her qualities and who isn't a frequent victim of "rape". Lol. Now you are "laughing" at rape victims? You are one serious piece of trash..........
anne1707 Posted February 19, 2011 Posted February 19, 2011 I'm saying the OP doesn't have to play Captain Save-A-Hoe. He can find other, quality women, with less baggage. Have you any idea just how offensive a comment like this is? Is your opinion of women really this low?
Ay Diesel T Posted February 19, 2011 Posted February 19, 2011 Have you any idea just how offensive a comment like this is? Is your opinion of women really this low? Rofl I could care less about the woman the OP is speaking about. He created this thread for HIS best interest. And my personal opinion is that it isn't in his best interest to deal with a rape victim. He should save his time. She sounds like a sloppy drinker. N.e.x.t.
twhisperer Posted February 19, 2011 Posted February 19, 2011 Rofl I could care less about the woman the OP is speaking about. He created this thread for HIS best interest. And my personal opinion is that it isn't in his best interest to deal with a rape victim. He should save his time. She sounds like a sloppy drinker. N.e.x.t. And here is the poster child for those who laugh at people who have been raped. Get a good look at his picture ladies and gentlemen, he's going no where, fast.
dreamingoftigers Posted February 19, 2011 Posted February 19, 2011 OP do whatever you can to look like a decent human being about it, at the very least.
runner Posted February 19, 2011 Posted February 19, 2011 How would you react if.... You are 29, very experienced in dating...you meet a 21 year old girl on a dating website, go out on a date, and things go really well. You go out a for a 2nd, 3rd and 4th date, and after the 4th date, although unspoken, you both realize she will be spending the night (but has not before). THEN, she tells you that she is not ready to have sex (intercourse), and won't have sex outside of a relationship. Eventually, a relationship starts. Just when you are anticipating sex, she tells you that she was drugged and raped (in a dark alley....really sketchy) about a year ago. She explains that she wants to have sex but needs to take more time. She is still healing and needs you to be patient, but she is full well desiring of a sexual relationship with you. Then, to top things off, she tells you that she was raped as a virgin, so she has never had consensual sex. She explains the reason as that she was raised in a religious environment, never had a relationship in college (but did have "flings" that were sexual, without intercourse), and then after the rape was very anxious about sex and thus has not yet had it. She emphasizes that she REALLY wants to move on from this and was afraid to tell you because it could be overwhelming. Up until this point, you really liked her and had the impression that she was moderately experienced (because she is very attractive, confident, and charismatic, and not religious or conservative in any way). first of all i'm assuming this is a true story, and because of that, i'm terribly sorry ---WHAT WOULD BE GOING THROUGH YOUR HEAD?? i'd be taken aback on hearing things the first time. but granted the relationship, sans sex, felt solid to me and i really liked her, i'd give it time. ---Would you feel mislead because she waited to tell you this? no. i have actually been in a similar situation with an ex; and having had years to reflect on it i can see how devastatingly difficult it was for her to admit it to me for the first time. ---Would you feel overwhelmed and no longer be interested in a relationship with her because of her evident "emotional baggage"? (even though she clearly wants to heal from it). no. i'm glad i gave it a chance cos it turned out to be one of the most satisfying relationships i've had when i was younger. and the sex was pretty damn good when we finally got around to it. ---How would this affect the way you approached things sexually with her? being that i honestly cared about her as a friend, i went about it delicately and slowly- no pressure. pretty damn frustrating for a young horny dude but it was worth the effort
runner Posted February 19, 2011 Posted February 19, 2011 Sounds like baggage to me. What's her deal with being raped? I'd question her judgement. Why is she always in a setting where she can get raped? Sounds like a dumb broad to me. Eject. I'm sure you can find a woman with all of her qualities and who isn't a frequent victim of "rape". Lol. since i'm a nice guy, i'll just spit at your feet. g'day
Nexus One Posted February 19, 2011 Posted February 19, 2011 I'd be shocked at first due to worry about her well being. If I'm in love with her, then I wouldn't mind waiting for her to be ready, I'd go for her.
oaks Posted February 19, 2011 Posted February 19, 2011 ---Would you feel mislead because she waited to tell you this? It doesn't sound like she mislead you. ---Would you feel overwhelmed and no longer be interested in a relationship with her because of her evident "emotional baggage"? (even though she clearly wants to heal from it). Yes, I might feel overwhelmed. Obviously I wouldn't have to deal with it in the same way as her (since she was the one who was raped and not me) but it isn't something I "know" how to deal with as I haven't experienced it from any perspective. This wouldn't make be less interested, though. However, I might wonder if I could give her enough support. Does she need counselling? Would she benefit from counselling? edit to add: I'm not in the 27-32 age group - I'm older - so my perspective may be different.
I Luv the Chariot OH Posted February 19, 2011 Posted February 19, 2011 Sounds like baggage to me. What's her deal with being raped? I'd question her judgement. Why is she always in a setting where she can get raped? Sounds like a dumb broad to me. Eject. I'm sure you can find a woman with all of her qualities and who isn't a frequent victim of "rape". Lol. WOW. Future (or possibly present) rapist right there. runner, you are a better person that I.
runner Posted February 19, 2011 Posted February 19, 2011 runner, you are a better person that I. well i should also add that this only affected her emotions with regard to sex so it's not like it was constantly in my face. she was mature enough to compartmentalise that specific part of her history and isolate it from everything else, and continue being fantastic in all other ways. if we were just friends, and if she never told me this, i would never have guessed she was carrying such a big scar. in a big way, i helped her heal. she's now married with two beautiful children and we still call each other friends
Sivok Posted February 19, 2011 Posted February 19, 2011 For what it's worth, two of my exes were rape victims. They both had problems with intimacy, whether physical limitations from actual damage received from the attack or mental scarring. Both were cheats as well. If the girl in question didn't take the necessary steps to try and help herself (therapy, etc), then dont even bother placing yourself in this position. It may sound harsh, but due to my experience I'll never date another rape victim again - too much baggage and heartache
wbr4p Posted February 19, 2011 Posted February 19, 2011 Are you saying it's her fault she was raped? That she is lacking in quality because she was raped? And what do you mean by putting rape in quotes? Are you suggesting that she was not raped? well we all know of women who scream rape. there are also women who have actually been raped, but then they are bribed to shut up about it. so they withdraw their charges and people lose trust of that word "rape" coming from an actual victim's mouth. also if u read the op's description "sketchy" victim was supposedly raped at a dark alley, at night (of course), whilst a virgin.
Untouchable_Fire Posted February 19, 2011 Posted February 19, 2011 THEN, she tells you that she is not ready to have sex (intercourse), and won't have sex outside of a relationship. Eventually, a relationship starts. Just when you are anticipating sex, she tells you that she was drugged and raped (in a dark alley....really sketchy) about a year ago. She explains that she wants to have sex but needs to take more time. She is still healing and needs you to be patient, but she is full well desiring of a sexual relationship with you. Ok, first she tells you no sex until you are in a relationship, then once you start dating it's no sex because of her bad experience... Whatever her past and her motives she is clearly jerking you around. What you decide to do from here is up to you. Don't expect her to change, don't any kind of lasting relationship, don't expect her to be faithful.
Untouchable_Fire Posted February 19, 2011 Posted February 19, 2011 THEN, she tells you that she is not ready to have sex (intercourse), and won't have sex outside of a relationship. Eventually, a relationship starts. Just when you are anticipating sex, she tells you that she was drugged and raped (in a dark alley....really sketchy) about a year ago. She explains that she wants to have sex but needs to take more time. She is still healing and needs you to be patient, but she is full well desiring of a sexual relationship with you. Ok, first she tells you no sex until you are in a relationship, then once you start dating it's no sex because of her bad experience... Whatever her past and her motives she is clearly jerking you around. What you decide to do from here is up to you. Don't expect her to change, don't any kind of lasting relationship, don't expect her to be faithful.
zengirl Posted February 19, 2011 Posted February 19, 2011 Not that I'm looking to exposre her but I'm halfway certain this poster is a woman who posted the same story, under her regular name, and got few responses (likely because it was such a sensitive nature). She's seeing a 29 year old guy and looking to tell him, wanting to go sexually slow, and trying to tell him without scaring him away. She seemed like a nice, healthy poster to me. The post is a few pages back now. I see nothing in the OP here that suggests this is a man. I doubt it's about a woman who is acting sketchy and moving the posts on him, UF, but really about this woman wanting replies and perspectives people would not give when she identified herself as a rape victim. If the details seem "sketchy" here, I'm guessing that's why. She tried asking the straight way, and few people replied or read it. As far as dark alleys go, yes people still get raped in them. And yes, virgins do get raped. I don't see why that's implausible. YMMV.
Ay Diesel T Posted February 19, 2011 Posted February 19, 2011 Ok, first she tells you no sex until you are in a relationship, then once you start dating it's no sex because of her bad experience... Whatever her past and her motives she is clearly jerking you around. What you decide to do from here is up to you. Don't expect her to change, don't any kind of lasting relationship, don't expect her to be faithful. Careful, unless you want to be labeled a rapist lol.
Gala Posted February 19, 2011 Posted February 19, 2011 I have a few thoughts on this: - What kinds of therapy/counselling has she had? It's even appropriate to find out for how long. - How does she seem about the events? Does it seem like there's still a lot of tension and conflict for her? Can she talk about them without falling apart? She could be worth waiting for...but this is a lot of trauma. On the subject of being drugged and raped...yes, it happens to women (and men) who have NOT drunk heavily. A friend of mine was given a date rape drug, and was one of two women in the bar to whom this happened. She was lucky in that someone in her group realized she was not OK, and got her out of there. I won't go into the details, but the night was still really scary for her. The police took the case very seriously, and deployed a full rape kit just to make sure nothing had happened. God, I hate ignorance.
Ay Diesel T Posted February 19, 2011 Posted February 19, 2011 The OP has to heavily the woman's good judgement, and lack of, and her baggage. It will hardly be worth it for you to stick around. It wouldn't be surprised if the woman frequently places herself in situations with a reasonable amount of danger present in the vicinity. OP do what's best for your own well being. There are PLENTY of other less damaged women out there.
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