animation Posted February 19, 2011 Posted February 19, 2011 I realised I posted this in the wrong place before. I'll apologise in advance as this is probably going to be slightly longer than anticipate but I feel I have a lot to get off my chest. So, my girlfriend has a 'friend', I say that because I think he is her friend, but he wants more than friends. I trust her 90%, we're relatively new together and I'm not one to believe trust comes in a day and I'm really trying to get over that barrier. Her friend see's more in her, I'm sure of it - and as much as she says he doesn't I'm sure she can tell he does as well. Now this all sounds rather childish, I know but her facebook page is filled with his comments, she's told me storys about how when they're out together he's tried to touch her, etc. etc. I raised the issue with her when it started, explaining I know it's not her fault this guy has a thing for her, but whatever it is needs to be stopped. She got all defensive and it ended in a row (this is what happens every time we have the conversation). A few weeks ago he asked her to spend valentines day with him as I was away (I've never met the guy, and I thought this was over-stepping the mark) so again I bought up the issue, the same thing happened and it just resulted in me feeling guilty for bringing it up. He likes every post I write to her on facebook, anything she's written about me (I know probably just to annoy me) but it's so difficult because I can't say/do anything to him because I've promised her I wouldn't but obviously whatever she is doing isn't working and it's causing our relationship to become a mess. Today I realised that this could be a lack of trust issue, there's a group of 4 of them that go out (her best friend, her best friends boyfriend - him and her) and next week they're going away for her birthday and staying in a hotel. I guess what I'm fearing is losing her or something happening and me never knowing (her friend is cheating on her boyfriend all the time), this is destroying my relationship with her and I don't know how to resolve it, and I guess never really explained why it makes me feel so ****ty because I know deep down it's because I think I can't trust her completely yet. Since day 1 I've tried to be as completely open and honest with her because I know she's something really special and probably will be a massive chapter of my life, I have some really good female friends and she's fine with that. I guess what I'm asking for is to help resolve this messy situation, do I go against what she has said and speak to him? Do I explain to her exactly what I feel? Or do I break it off because the constant annoyance and worry it's causing me? Thanks. Animation.
FryFish Posted February 19, 2011 Posted February 19, 2011 Dude... you trust her 90% and Im 90% sure she is cheating. When a girl doesnt want the attention of a specific guy its REALLY EASY for her to let him know. "your" girl, on the other hand, is going to stay with this guy in a hotel for her birthday... With her serial cheating best friend... If you really want to stay with her and you dont want her to cheat on you then you need to give her an ultimatum... Dont go with this guy for her birthday or dont contact you anymore...
collegeguy_24 Posted February 19, 2011 Posted February 19, 2011 She's cheating dude, sorry to say it. Tell her how you feel, and give her an ultimatum, either you or him.
Author animation Posted February 19, 2011 Author Posted February 19, 2011 It seems easier said than done because I don't think she's cheating. She just text me saying; "Look you don't see what you do to me at the same time. I'm in such a difficult position because you are BOTH doing this. And I will have to choose eventually if this carries on. I've messaged him asking why he is doing this and I'll speak to him, as this isn't what a friend should do. At the end of the day YOU are my boyfriend." I replied saying; "Then give me a little more respect please because I can't put up with it anymore". to which she replies (the usual guilt trip) "Can't believe you have said that to me". and this is finally what I reply; "Every time this is raised it ends with me feeling guilty for even bringing it up. I don't think you even realise how **** this is making me feel. I don't know what to do anymore but I know there is no wat I would let one of my friends put you in the position I'm in. I don't want to lose you but I'm not sure what to do anymore because everyday it's getting to me and it's eating me up."
Bryanp Posted February 19, 2011 Posted February 19, 2011 If the roles were reversed do you honestly think she would put up with this from you? You judge a person by their actions and her actions speak volumes. She clearly has little respect for you and your relationship. If you do not respect yourself then who will?
FryFish Posted February 19, 2011 Posted February 19, 2011 Tell her she can have her fake boyfriend but that YOU are gone. She will decide right then what she wants... But you have to be WILLING TO DROP HER CHEATING ASS!
spackle Posted February 19, 2011 Posted February 19, 2011 if you give someone an ultimatum be prepared for the answer you don't want to hear.
Author animation Posted February 19, 2011 Author Posted February 19, 2011 Just to update you guys, the argument went on through the whole day, she no longer speaks to him. I guess she does value our relationship after all. Thanks a lot,
Jannah Posted February 19, 2011 Posted February 19, 2011 It sounds as though your girlfriend's friend is trying to establish a romantic relationship with her. She needs to assert her boundaries and inform him that his romantic advances are unwelcome. Aside from that, her friend is not really being respectful towards your relationship and he should not be interacting with her in a way that causes distress within your relationship. I would not be comfortable with her going away with her friends and him and staying at a hotel together, without you. It's inappropriate and not fair to you. You don't appear to be overly possessive and/or jealous and seem to be reasonable with certain things, and in this case, your thoughts and feelings are perfectly natural and acceptable.
Darren Steez Posted February 20, 2011 Posted February 20, 2011 Just a question why are her best friend, her best friends boyfriend - him and her going away and not you? and if he's just a friend why have you never met him, if he's just a friend to her then she would have no trouble introducing him to her boyfriend. The fact they were planning to rent a room and you're no where in sight should be a big red flag.
imagine Posted February 20, 2011 Posted February 20, 2011 she no longer speaks to him. Thanks a lot, How do you know this? Pal, wayward s lie!
Author animation Posted February 21, 2011 Author Posted February 21, 2011 She's offered for me to meet him, but I know what I'm like after I've built such a hate for someone it would end in a fight, and I don't want it to be more awkward for her than it is. She's showed me the texts, she's told him she wants nothing to do with him anymore and has been ignoring him since and is no longer going away for the weekend. I'm trying to trust her, I think she sometimes just makes it hard, she's stunning and gets a lot of attention from boys, but I knew this before I signed up. I guess I'm just going to have to bite my tongue, and if something happens then I can give my reaction then and know that I made a mistake. I don't want to be with someone I have to control to stop them cheating, just someone I know wouldn't do it anyway if that makes sense? If I tell her she can't see certain boys or do things then I may as well not be with her because she would only not be cheating because of my influence instead of what she actually wants to do.
Space Ritual Posted February 22, 2011 Posted February 22, 2011 I realised I posted this in the wrong place before. I'll apologise in advance as this is probably going to be slightly longer than anticipate but I feel I have a lot to get off my chest. So, my girlfriend has a 'friend', I say that because I think he is her friend, but he wants more than friends. I trust her 90%, we're relatively new together and I'm not one to believe trust comes in a day and I'm really trying to get over that barrier. Her friend see's more in her, I'm sure of it - and as much as she says he doesn't I'm sure she can tell he does as well. Now this all sounds rather childish, I know but her facebook page is filled with his comments, she's told me storys about how when they're out together he's tried to touch her, etc. etc. I raised the issue with her when it started, explaining I know it's not her fault this guy has a thing for her, but whatever it is needs to be stopped. She got all defensive and it ended in a row (this is what happens every time we have the conversation). A few weeks ago he asked her to spend valentines day with him as I was away (I've never met the guy, and I thought this was over-stepping the mark) so again I bought up the issue, the same thing happened and it just resulted in me feeling guilty for bringing it up. He likes every post I write to her on facebook, anything she's written about me (I know probably just to annoy me) but it's so difficult because I can't say/do anything to him because I've promised her I wouldn't but obviously whatever she is doing isn't working and it's causing our relationship to become a mess. Today I realised that this could be a lack of trust issue, there's a group of 4 of them that go out (her best friend, her best friends boyfriend - him and her) and next week they're going away for her birthday and staying in a hotel. I guess what I'm fearing is losing her or something happening and me never knowing (her friend is cheating on her boyfriend all the time), this is destroying my relationship with her and I don't know how to resolve it, and I guess never really explained why it makes me feel so ****ty because I know deep down it's because I think I can't trust her completely yet. Since day 1 I've tried to be as completely open and honest with her because I know she's something really special and probably will be a massive chapter of my life, I have some really good female friends and she's fine with that. I guess what I'm asking for is to help resolve this messy situation, do I go against what she has said and speak to him? Do I explain to her exactly what I feel? Or do I break it off because the constant annoyance and worry it's causing me? Thanks. Animation. Again with the Facebook....The ultimate relationship killer.... Sorry young man, she is about as trustworthy as Mussolini. It will only get worse from here on out. You are in a no win situation....she is cheating on you. Have you ever thought perhaps she may have multiple FB accounts(Many people do). So with that you follow these steps....D.D.B.M Dump Delete Block Move On So
Author animation Posted February 22, 2011 Author Posted February 22, 2011 Hey, Everything is sorted, we are fine now. The issue was never really her cheating I don't think, more that she was disregarding me for someone she knows I really don't like. They've made friends again but the guy has offered to apologise to me, but she's told him not to in fear it will just make things worse. She's also told me if at any point I feel uncomfortable with their relationship she will just drop it for me and never speak or see him again (it was me that said I don't mind them still being friends). I really see something special in her, she's just trusted me away on a lads holiday for 2 weeks (and I'm sure she had her doubts) so the least I can do is give her enough trust to be friends with someone. Thanks again for all your help guys, I know I probably did go against what a lot of you were telling me, but sometimes I think it's hard to see a complete story when you've only been given one half.
FryFish Posted February 23, 2011 Posted February 23, 2011 You will be back soon enough to tell us that she "drunkenly kissed him"... See you then.
Author animation Posted February 23, 2011 Author Posted February 23, 2011 If she ever cheated it would be the end of it, I'm not a push over.
notagame Posted February 23, 2011 Posted February 23, 2011 If she ever cheated it would be the end of it, I'm not a push over. But the fact is she DID cheat. And you're not taking the good advice we gave you and putting some use to it. You take her back you might as well be a pushover. You're going to be back here after she cheats.....Again.
Author animation Posted February 23, 2011 Author Posted February 23, 2011 She hasn't cheated, I'm sure of it.
jnj express Posted February 24, 2011 Posted February 24, 2011 So she hasn't cheated---but this guy even as her friend is a threat to your relationship----She needs to go NC with him---yesterday---have her send an E-Mail--with you seeing it go----No other way
bac Posted February 25, 2011 Posted February 25, 2011 How old are you? IMO She is immature because she is young. Do you have sex with her? Is she a virgin?
Author animation Posted February 25, 2011 Author Posted February 25, 2011 Yes I have sex with her, I'm 19 and she's also 19.
Carrot2000 Posted February 26, 2011 Posted February 26, 2011 Hate to say it, but it's not over. Even if your gf did not cheat, she seems to enjoy having two men chase after her. She's also not accepting responsibility for her actions; instead she blames you and the ex for putting her in this position rather than taking a look at her lack of boundaries with this guy and setting limits. Until she acknowledges her role in creating this situation by giving her ex mixed signals, you're going to encounter this again.
lululucy Posted February 28, 2011 Posted February 28, 2011 Accepting your premise that she did not cheat, the thing that raises red-flags still is her comment about how you were both doing this to her, how she'd have to choose eventually.. Of course she has to choose, two men are actively pursuing romantic relationships with her. She had no right to make you feel guilty about asking her to stop contact. I'm glad she made the choice to stay home from the trip but please make sure you don't let her guilt you like that in the future. Or treat you as if you're in a competition for her love.
Chi townD Posted February 28, 2011 Posted February 28, 2011 She hasn't cheated, I'm sure of it. But she has. You don't have to be physical to cheat. There is such a thing called an emotional affair. He's been telling her things to stroke her ego for a long time. Telling her things she likes to hear and it would have continued if you didn't put a stop to it. Let's look at it at reverse angles. Do you think she would have put up with a girl that was doing the same thing to you? Spending time with you, flirting with you? Telling you things that only a girlfriend should be telling her boyfriend? I think not. She would have told you that if you like her so much then be with her and would have dumped your butt in a second.
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