laser2010 Posted February 19, 2011 Posted February 19, 2011 Hi, here we go then as Im really not sure what to do about this.... I have been in a loving caring relationship with my current partner for over 3 years , in the early stages of our relationship I knew that she was in regular text contact with about 7 guys she had seen casually before I came on the scene, also in fairly regular e mail correspondance with a couple of them. I have never been happy with this and have always seen it as cheating , however she has always assured me that they are just friends and there is nothing in it. About about 4 months or so ago there was a big change in how she was with me and we became distant to each other , I was thinking she was ill and did not want to tell me , I suspected something major was up and confronted her , thinking the worst,that it may be cancer or something equally bad, it turns out that she had actually met one of these so called friends and had fallen pregnant and had an abortion. I was kind of relieved as I was expecting something life terminal , but was still devestated ,angry and very hurt. Many discussions later I agreed to stay with her as I really am head over heals in love with her. but I laid a few new rules , basically to cut all contact , text , e mail or otherwise with these men she had been in contact with , she agreed to this , and we have had a good few months , with both of us starting to get over it and looking to the future . I have since found out that she is once again in contact with 1 of these guys both by e mail and text , I have seen her email account and also her phone records , she is denying the texting but admitted to the e mailing , saying once again that he is a good friend and there is nothing in it, do I just accept this and live with it, as she seems unable to comprehend how I feel about it and if I push it too far Im sure I will loose her , or should I just let go what we have and go single , Im no spring chicken and really dont relish the idea of growing older alone .
kdark Posted February 19, 2011 Posted February 19, 2011 Drop this woman as fast as possible. And never look back. She WILL cheat on you again.
Minnie09 Posted February 19, 2011 Posted February 19, 2011 Uhm, in addition to getting pregnant from another guy while in a relationship with you and having an abortion, she cannot "comprehend" how you feel about her being in contact constantly with some other dude(s)? Really? After all that? In a 3 year R? Are you serious? How old are you? If you're younger than 85, cut your losses. You're still not too old to find a more suitable mate. More unsuitable than that - impossible. Stand up for yourself. Cut your losses. If you HAVE to, do the 180. But even that, IMO, would be a waste of time. Seriously, my friend, what would you recommend a friend if they told you THAT? Stay with your GF? Propose to her? Suck up to her even more? Please, grow a backbone! Now!
Nexus One Posted February 19, 2011 Posted February 19, 2011 I must admit that her getting pregnant by another man, all the while she denied there being anything else than friendly mailing, is a pretty big insult to you and the relationship between her and you. And then her again not respecting your agreement of no contact only adds to that fact. The point is, a relationship between two people is often the most important thing in people's lives. The fact that she cheated, possibly shows that for her her relationship with you is not the most important thing. The question then is if you want to be in a relationship with someone that doesn't take that relationship in such a high regard as you do. Personally my answer to this would be no. But then again I've never been in such a situation and I can imagine that your judgment is biased due to the fact that you're so in love with her.
Author laser2010 Posted February 19, 2011 Author Posted February 19, 2011 Thanks for your posts so far , she has had a pretty rough life , Im in my mid 40s and was married when I first met her , although it hadnt been a good marriage. Im now divorced. We both have our own kids and she had met this guy when we were going through a rough patch due to issues with her kids , I know this isnt an excuse , but I can understand the pressure she was under , she assures me it was a one off and would never meet anyone again,, whicjh I believe due to the emotional turmoil she has gone through with the abortion , I feel bad that I have checked up on her , but if I hadnt checked I wouldnt of known that she was in fact being decietfull again , I really do believe she wont ever meet anyone again and maybe I am over reacting in regard to this recent discovery of the texts and e mails ???
Minnie09 Posted February 19, 2011 Posted February 19, 2011 No, you're not over-reacting. She doesn't place you very high on her priority list. She disrespects you. Other people who have not experienced betrayal, pregnancies and secret abortions in their Rs demand boundaries. Why don't you? After all that, you're more than entitled to. If she doesn't understand that, she simply doesn't want to understand that. So you met her when you were still M to someone else? Hmmm, was she married, too, when you guys started dating? Just wondering.
Author laser2010 Posted February 19, 2011 Author Posted February 19, 2011 i was married but it was really on the rocks ... long story but I HAD been unfaithfull , she wasnt married when we met
Nexus One Posted February 19, 2011 Posted February 19, 2011 Thanks for your posts so far , she has had a pretty rough life , Im in my mid 40s and was married when I first met her , although it hadnt been a good marriage. Im now divorced. We both have our own kids and she had met this guy when we were going through a rough patch due to issues with her kids , I know this isnt an excuse , but I can understand the pressure she was under , she assures me it was a one off and would never meet anyone again,, whicjh I believe due to the emotional turmoil she has gone through with the abortion , I feel bad that I have checked up on her , but if I hadnt checked I wouldnt of known that she was in fact being decietfull again , I really do believe she wont ever meet anyone again and maybe I am over reacting in regard to this recent discovery of the texts and e mails ??? It seems that there are more dynamics here at play than I first realized. But allow me to say that you're a very tolerant and forgiving guy, you must love her a lot if you're willing to look beyond this. Does she realize that and appreciate it? I don't think you're overreacting, since both of you had an agreement and she did cheat in the past. It's only normal for you to look at past behavior and try to find similar patterns of deceit in the present. And the fact that she hasn't been upfront herself about her e-mailing with that guy again justifies your concern in my opinion. It doesn't conclude that she's cheating or will be cheating, but I don't think you're overreacting taking all these factors into account.
Author laser2010 Posted February 19, 2011 Author Posted February 19, 2011 I am very tolerant and forgiving , maybe too much so , but thats me , I ve done wrongs in my previous relationship , so now I know what its like to be on the recieving end , there are lots of dynamics to this , but Im not sure I can go into all of them on here yet . At present I love my current partner , and really cant imagine being without her , Im sure she loves me too , but as she had been on her own coping with her kids for a fair while , maybe having a man in her life isnt quite so high up on her priority list as having a lady in my life is to me . Im certain that she does appreciate how much I have and am are willing to forgive and she realises the sacrifice I have made . I dont want gratitude or her feeling that she owes me anything , all I want is a good sound , solid relationship and even with what has happened I believe we can have one
Nexus One Posted February 19, 2011 Posted February 19, 2011 (edited) If she's now serious about you and the relationship, then what I don't get is why she would break your agreement, even though she knew it was made after her cheating on you. So it's a pretty important agreement, if not an ultimatum. Breaking something like that and keeping it silent is worrying, not due to her necessarily cheating, but disrespecting you and the relationship. And she knew she could be jeopardizing the relationship by breaking the agreement, yet she did it anyway. Her keeping it secret is also disrespectful towards you and the relationship in my opinion. Edited February 19, 2011 by Nexus One
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