Calli Posted February 18, 2011 Posted February 18, 2011 I'm new here and maybe this has come up before. I met a man online, we met, dated and fell in love only for me to find out 4 years into our relationship that he has been married the entire time. I blew a fuse when I found out and of course he promised to leave his wife but he never did and we are no longer dating or anything. In fact, this happened to me several years ago. I am just curious if anyone has had this happen to them? I thought I knew everything about this man but the entire relationship with me was a lie. After all these years, it still hurts me that I didn't see any signs.
Minnie09 Posted February 18, 2011 Posted February 18, 2011 It's hard to believe that it took you four years to find out that he was married. How's that possible? You never visited? Wow, what a POS leading you on like that. sorry that happened to you. It could definitely not happen to me and it hasn't, because I'm way too nosy and ask too many questions. I would know where/how he lives and works, everything, after less than a month. I'm just too cautious. I'm surprised that as an online-dater, you weren't more aware! Wow wow wow is all I can say...
xpaperxcutx Posted February 18, 2011 Posted February 18, 2011 I'm surprised as well that it took you 4 years to find out he's attached. Was he really as a sneaky or just a proficient liar?
woinlove Posted February 18, 2011 Posted February 18, 2011 Did you suspect much earlier? I got the "separated" line, but have to admit that I didn't care enough about his marital status to investigate further. I'm not that person anymore - I would care now as I don't like to support deception. Anyway, I empathize with anyone taken in by their friend and/or lover lying. It really is too bad some people lie so much surrounding their relationships with others. I'm sorry you got hurt by this.
Author Calli Posted February 19, 2011 Author Posted February 19, 2011 We lived in different states but met up frequently as both of us were able to travel for our jobs and we often meet on the spur of the moment. I was just so trusting back then that when I did have any doubts and asked him flat out if he was seeing anyone or married he always answered in the negative and I believed him. I also stayed at his apartment in NYC and did a little snooping when he ran an errand and there was NO indication that he was living with anyone. I now believe that this was apartment he kept in the city and found out later that they lived in NJ. I know it sounds totally crazy that I never found out but this guy was so good at living a double life I guess. Believe me, when I found it, it was not pretty.
cuddlekeeper Posted February 19, 2011 Posted February 19, 2011 Yes it has happened to me...it took me 18 months to find out. I saw him at least once a week, we went on holidays together and he lives in the next suburb to me. Yes, like you I did ask him if he was married three times in that 18 months and all three times was told no. Found out later that his son and my best friend's son were good friends. He worked with my brother-in-law in a large company but in a different area. The reason I could not find out anything about him was that he gave me a different name. So yes I am sure there are lots of women out there who are or were in the same circumstances.
alexandria35 Posted February 19, 2011 Posted February 19, 2011 Wow Calli, So how did you eventually find out?
Author Calli Posted February 19, 2011 Author Posted February 19, 2011 The way I found out was called him one morning at the office which was our routine and he always picked up or it went to voice mail. This morning a secretary picked up and I said "may I speak with A" and she said "oh, is this Beth?" I said no it's C and asked who is Beth?" She said "oh you sound just like his wife!" I literally almost fell out of my chair with shock! He did call me back and explained that he didn't love her, they had a terrible relationship, etc. Said that he was a terrible person to lie for all those years but he was ready to divorce her. In the end he didn't divorce her and they are still together to this day. Many people have told me that he did me a favor. However, I'm still sad at times thinking back to how I was so bamboozled by this guy. And while my life for many years was trying to put my life back together he was still with his wife, having children and acting like nothing had ever happened.
Sharon1961 Posted February 19, 2011 Posted February 19, 2011 Many people have told me that he did me a favor. However, I'm still sad at times thinking back to how I was so bamboozled by this guy. And while my life for many years was trying to put my life back together he was still with his wife, having children and acting like nothing had ever happened. He did do you a favor. The three of you intersected. You're the only one who got out alive and with the chance at a future. Truth be told, there was probably something inside of you that felt he was being dishonest, that felt there was something not right. But you ignored it. You now get the chance to reboot and approach life in a healthier manner. Him and his wife are stuck in that realm of "something is just not right."
Mary-Jane Posted February 19, 2011 Posted February 19, 2011 Count me in - almost 5 years (story here here ) and I'm still not in recovery. I never told him I knew so he just started calling and texting to resume the whole thing again as if nothing has happened and I can't even bring myself to tell him to leave me alone.
xpaperxcutx Posted February 20, 2011 Posted February 20, 2011 The way I found out was called him one morning at the office which was our routine and he always picked up or it went to voice mail. This morning a secretary picked up and I said "may I speak with A" and she said "oh, is this Beth?" I said no it's C and asked who is Beth?" She said "oh you sound just like his wife!" I literally almost fell out of my chair with shock! He did call me back and explained that he didn't love her, they had a terrible relationship, etc. Said that he was a terrible person to lie for all those years but he was ready to divorce her. In the end he didn't divorce her and they are still together to this day. Many people have told me that he did me a favor. However, I'm still sad at times thinking back to how I was so bamboozled by this guy. And while my life for many years was trying to put my life back together he was still with his wife, having children and acting like nothing had ever happened. That is horrendous. I hope this past experience hadn't marred you from pursuing a more healthier with someone you can truly trust.
BB07 Posted February 20, 2011 Posted February 20, 2011 Count me in - almost 5 years (story here here ) and I'm still not in recovery. I never told him I knew so he just started calling and texting to resume the whole thing again as if nothing has happened and I can't even bring myself to tell him to leave me alone. I just reread your opening post and I'm sorry that you didn't get much response. Hon.........the man you are dealing with is VERY, VERY BAD! He might even be dangerous and I feel sure that he has abused you. Him making you think that it's your fault that he did what he did. That is total BS and it IS abusive. Truth is, he was probably married all the time. Oh please stop doing this to yourself, this man is NO good!
Mary-Jane Posted February 20, 2011 Posted February 20, 2011 I just reread your opening post and I'm sorry that you didn't get much response. Hon.........the man you are dealing with is VERY, VERY BAD! He might even be dangerous and I feel sure that he has abused you. Him making you think that it's your fault that he did what he did. That is total BS and it IS abusive. Truth is, he was probably married all the time. Oh please stop doing this to yourself, this man is NO good! Thanks for response. I am ignoring him. He was not married until 2009 and I know 100% from independent sources now. What I also know now 1000% (!) is that there are at least 2 other women and yet another one years ago when I met him - basically he was never ever faithful to the wife - then live-in girlfriend. First thing he did when I stopped talking to him last year was join a dating site - no idea if it worked out for him successfully, but he also started seeing some ex and another woman at work. And still does. And doesn't forget to try it on with me. It's good that I know about that now - I don't have any crazy ideas like what if it turned out differently , I am glad I didn't end up with him as couldn't be living with/married to somebody who lives the life of a single man during the week when wife is looking after the house / children in the country. The question is why the hell get married if it;s so unbearable for him to keep it in trousers for a minute?! But I am also so so sad and angry that he has stolen a few years of my life and by way of deception put me in a position I would never have entered myself willingly I cannot begin to tell...
BB07 Posted February 20, 2011 Posted February 20, 2011 Mary Jane.......thank goodness you see him for what he truly is. I understand your pain and anger as I also was fooled for about 2 years by a man who said he was separated and he was NOT.
Mary-Jane Posted February 20, 2011 Posted February 20, 2011 (edited) Rather - he didn't probably just start seeing them after I wouldn't see him, I do realise it must have been like that before - I don't know exactly, but I guess he's well practiced in all sorts of complicated arrangements where he gets it all without hardly giving anything back and just turning everything around on the woman when she gets difficult etc ... see original post BB07, I've read you crazy story too and I actually do remember it, when I was crying my eyes out for several months. Now would be good to move on but I just want to kill him first Edited February 20, 2011 by Mary-Jane
whichwayisup Posted February 20, 2011 Posted February 20, 2011 http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t132027/ imstunned's original story. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/search.php?searchid=15592409 Some other threads by her, her process of how things went along. She's one of a few on here who have been lied to and fooled by a MM. I honestly have no idea how someone could lie and pretend they aren't married and live a double life. It's one thing to have an affair, and the OW knows he's marrid, but it's different thing when they lie about it and act single. There is something very wrong with him. Sorry you're hurting, take care of yourself first now, rely on good friends and family to help you during this time.
Author Calli Posted February 20, 2011 Author Posted February 20, 2011 I hate to say that it's good to hear I am not the only person that has been through something like this but it is. I absolutely hate that someone can be so frickin deceitful and let it go on for many years. By the way, I did meet someone else and am now married. However, I just can't shake what happened to me with the other guy. I was so in love with him and to think that when his wife found out he turned it all around on me like I was some crazy stalker and she bought that story because they are still together. I know he is a toxic man and that he did me a favor but I sure wish his wife would leave him and he would feel the pain that I had to go through.
Mary-Jane Posted February 20, 2011 Posted February 20, 2011 (edited) I hate to say that it's good to hear I am not the only person that has been through something like this but it is. I absolutely hate that someone can be so frickin deceitful and let it go on for many years. By the way, I did meet someone else and am now married. However, I just can't shake what happened to me with the other guy. I was so in love with him and to think that when his wife found out he turned it all around on me like I was some crazy stalker and she bought that story because they are still together. I know he is a toxic man and that he did me a favor but I sure wish his wife would leave him and he would feel the pain that I had to go through. Good to know that you met somebody else, then there's hope for me too! It's an absolutely horrible situation to find oneself in so I'm also glad I'm not the only one as ironic as it sounds. The thing is however hard I tried to stay in denial, come up with some explanation for him, look at it from different angles, gloss it over somehow - just is not possible, there's just no justification to that and that's why I felt like it was the end of my world as I knew it like suddenly the earth was moved from under feet and I had nothing to hold on to. I just didn't know that person at all. Oh, and about making him feel the pain I have a strong suspicion that people who are capable of things like that are actually not quite human, they are good at mimicry BUT I really can't be sure that mine isn't an alien with fish scales 2 heads and tail or something once he takes off his human skin to relax when no one can see Edited February 20, 2011 by Mary-Jane
Woman In Blue Posted February 20, 2011 Posted February 20, 2011 I know he is a toxic man and that he did me a favor but I sure wish his wife would leave him and he would feel the pain that I had to go through. The jerk did you NO favors but he did manage to steal 4 years of your precious life, suck your self-esteem into the toilet, and play havoc with your emotional, mental and physical well-being. Amazingly enough, there are some women out there who not only forgive these bastards for their con jobs, but they go on to marry them. If I live to be 300 years old, I'll NEVER understand what would make a woman do that. I'd rather slit my wrists. If I'd been in your shoes, the absolute FIRST thing I would have done was tell his wife. EVERYTHING. And the second thing I would have done was tell his wife AGAIN - just in case she didn't believe me the first time. What a toxic piece of trash. It's NOT too late to tell his wife what a complete piece of garbage she's married to, Calli. You'd be doing HER a favor. He did you NO favors, however.
Author Calli Posted February 20, 2011 Author Posted February 20, 2011 The jerk did you NO favors but he did manage to steal 4 years of your precious life, suck your self-esteem into the toilet, and play havoc with your emotional, mental and physical well-being. Amazingly enough, there are some women out there who not only forgive these bastards for their con jobs, but they go on to marry them. If I live to be 300 years old, I'll NEVER understand what would make a woman do that. I'd rather slit my wrists. If I'd been in your shoes, the absolute FIRST thing I would have done was tell his wife. EVERYTHING. And the second thing I would have done was tell his wife AGAIN - just in case she didn't believe me the first time. What a toxic piece of trash. It's NOT too late to tell his wife what a complete piece of garbage she's married to, Calli. You'd be doing HER a favor. He did you NO favors, however. What I meant by he did me a favor was I got out of it alive and honestly, I don't think we would still be together today if we had gotten married. I knew the fake person he pretended to be not the real louse of a man that he really is. Also, when I was involved with him I kept every e-mail, card, picture, etc. as a momento of our loving relationship. When I found out he was married and that he dumped me I because we lived in different states had the entire set of documents, pictures, lingerie he bought me sent to a private investigator and had that person deliver it to the wife. I have absolute proof from the investigator that he delivered it to her personally. However, I found out that two months after that, she was pregnant again. They are still together to this day.
imstunned Posted February 20, 2011 Posted February 20, 2011 Whichwayisup has posted a link to my thread of a few years back..... when I found out my boyfriend was married with two young children..... and sadly Ive just learnt Ive been "had" again. My ex separated married man who was divorcing his wife, went back to his wife. Only he omitted to tell me this for TEN MONTHS and continued to plan a future with me, including a baby, adopting my son etc........... you for sure are not alone unfortunately x
Author Calli Posted February 20, 2011 Author Posted February 20, 2011 http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t132027/ imstunned's original story. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/search.php?searchid=15592409 Some other threads by her, her process of how things went along. She's one of a few on here who have been lied to and fooled by a MM. I honestly have no idea how someone could lie and pretend they aren't married and live a double life. It's one thing to have an affair, and the OW knows he's marrid, but it's different thing when they lie about it and act single. There is something very wrong with him. Sorry you're hurting, take care of yourself first now, rely on good friends and family to help you during this time. Thank you. I spent the better part of last evening reading all of "stunned" and it was almost the exact thing that happend to me and I felt the same way she did right after it happened to me. I was obsessed with replaying everything that happened and how could someone do that to ME! It was a good reminder of what a jerk my guy was and thank God I have moved on. I still think about what he did from time to time but I am trying after many, many years to totally forget. I guess I can never forget but I have to remember that he created a total fake persona of himself and that is who I fell in love with.
Author Calli Posted February 20, 2011 Author Posted February 20, 2011 Whichwayisup has posted a link to my thread of a few years back..... when I found out my boyfriend was married with two young children..... and sadly Ive just learnt Ive been "had" again. My ex separated married man who was divorcing his wife, went back to his wife. Only he omitted to tell me this for TEN MONTHS and continued to plan a future with me, including a baby, adopting my son etc........... you for sure are not alone unfortunately x Hi, I'm so sorry. I read your posting and was stunned by how similar experiences we had. It's been 10 years for me and I am married for one year now but what that jerk did to me all those years ago still bothers me. I'm like how could a human being do that to someone, do that to ME? I am working on moving on every day but you never forget.
Sharon1961 Posted February 20, 2011 Posted February 20, 2011 Hi, I'm so sorry. I read your posting and was stunned by how similar experiences we had. It's been 10 years for me and I am married for one year now but what that jerk did to me all those years ago still bothers me. I'm like how could a human being do that to someone, do that to ME? I am working on moving on every day but you never forget. The bolded part is what keeps me going around in circles sometimes. How could anyone treat another human being the way I've been treated!! I don't think this is a question any of us can answer. And maybe it keeps us stuck trying. It is really painful to be violated that way. And there are no laws against it. There should be!
imstunned Posted February 20, 2011 Posted February 20, 2011 i managed to move on and heal I think from that man all those years ago. The recent man I am not sure I will EVER heal from. I may share my experiences about the recent man when I feel able to. The fake climber man got in touch with me again via face book over a year ago now. He kept getting in touch over a 6 month period or so. I communicated with him as I was waiting for him to ask to see me again - and I wanted to be able to say "sure .... right after my frontal lobotomy". He and his wife had separated and I assumed he was single. He never did ask to see me. but he did say that he couldnt stop thinking about me or the sex we had. He also kept up all the climbing stuff. I found it all fascinating. Then his "finance" got in touch with me too. This time I was less stunned. She and I messaged for a few days, and I found out a few interesting things, including that he was still lying to me about all the climbing.... future trips etc.... I havent heard from either of them since. I thought my high alert from this situation would make me wise to men leading me on in the future. Sadly It didnt, and Ive made an even bigger mistake with my recent ex. I dont think I'll really trust a man ever again. Its really hard Calli, and I am not suprised you are still hurting about it after all this time. Congrats on finding a nice man though x
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