Rose T Posted February 18, 2011 Posted February 18, 2011 A lot is written on here about the virtues of NC but I'm really feeling it at the moment. As many of you will know, I broke up with my ex of 4.5 years 10 weeks ago, after I found out he was cheating with a colleague. I still consider him the dumper because he basically let me know he was thinking of leaving the relationship, although it didn't happen until I discovered his cheating and asked him to move out. What many people ask on Loveshack is: "Will my dumper regret leaving me? Will they regret cheating on me? Will they ever care again or even feel anything for me?" Well, I've had a bit of a revelation these days because my dumper has been sending me crumbs which I am now ignoring (17 days NC this time, not great, but I'm getting there!). What I realised is that NC has really brought us back on the same level in terms of the old power balance which once held up the relationship. However grudgingly, I've earned his respect back, which is huge after a painful break-up. He may have been checking out of the relationship before the cheating, so his "bond" with me was weakening, while my "bond" with him was still intense - but in the wake of the break-up, NC is giving him the space to remember the fact that I was nevertheless a good girlfriend, while I'm focussing on his awful behaviour. His love for me was downsized before - well, now so is mine. NC for him means no more back-up from me, no more caring, no more support. From my perspective, NC means no more drama, no more hurt. He's losing a lot more from the NC experience than I am. So we're quits. I'm starting to move on because he hurt me a lot, he's trying to move on but as his affair isn't going so well he's thinking about me and reaching out. Don't worry dear readers, I wouldn't go back! We're sort of on opposite mountains across a valley neither one of us will cross again. After all the drama and heartache, this makes me feel good, and is helping me heal. 1
depplover_1980 Posted February 19, 2011 Posted February 19, 2011 What an inspiring post for others - you have the right attitude here and how sweet to have some power back, with the main power of you being confident and in control of your own life. Attention, other readers in despair!! This is the way to be, moving on and realising you're better than your ex and having high self esteem.
Gossamer Posted February 19, 2011 Posted February 19, 2011 Rose T, all of us need to hear more about "the benefits of NC", not only the immediate benefits of removing yourself from the pain, but what happens when you've successfully recovered your self-worth and emerged even stronger. Your story is what so many on here wish for. By sharing it, hopefully others will feel some degree of proxy emotional resolution that it's possible that the dumper has doubts, regrets, remorse, and longing to some degree, once they fully feel the void that we filled in their lives. If nothing else, it demonstrates that it is ultimately self-loving and powerful to reject that which does not love and empower us back. Well done!!!!!!!!! Thank you once again for sharing your story. your strength and self-love is truly inspiring. /Gossamer:D A lot is written on here about the virtues of NC but I'm really feeling it at the moment. As many of you will know, I broke up with my ex of 4.5 years 10 weeks ago, after I found out he was cheating with a colleague. I still consider him the dumper because he basically let me know he was thinking of leaving the relationship, although it didn't happen until I discovered his cheating and asked him to move out. What many people ask on Loveshack is: "Will my dumper regret leaving me? Will they regret cheating on me? Will they ever care again or even feel anything for me?" Well, I've had a bit of a revelation these days because my dumper has been sending me crumbs which I am now ignoring (17 days NC this time, not great, but I'm getting there!). What I realised is that NC has really brought us back on the same level in terms of the old power balance which once held up the relationship. However grudgingly, I've earned his respect back, which is huge after a painful break-up. He may have been checking out of the relationship before the cheating, so his "bond" with me was weakening, while my "bond" with him was still intense - but in the wake of the break-up, NC is giving him the space to remember the fact that I was nevertheless a good girlfriend, while I'm focussing on his awful behaviour. His love for me was downsized before - well, now so is mine. NC for him means no more back-up from me, no more caring, no more support. From my perspective, NC means no more drama, no more hurt. He's losing a lot more from the NC experience than I am. So we're quits. I'm starting to move on because he hurt me a lot, he's trying to move on but as his affair isn't going so well he's thinking about me and reaching out. Don't worry dear readers, I wouldn't go back! We're sort of on opposite mountains across a valley neither one of us will cross again. After all the drama and heartache, this makes me feel good, and is helping me heal.
maddii Posted February 19, 2011 Posted February 19, 2011 Thank you I think I'm kind of at the stage right now where I'm realising that he's losing out, not me, and he's realised he misses me and has given me crumbs over the past few days, but I ignored them.. I feel kinda bad because I don't like ignoring people, but its for the best, and I do feel like the power is more equal now..
Author Rose T Posted February 19, 2011 Author Posted February 19, 2011 (edited) Thanks depplover,Gossamer and maddii! I know not all break-ups are the same, but I do believe that when someone walks out, choosing the easy exit rather than trying to repair things, their own self-doubts arrive much later. What I see over and over on Love Shack is that we dumpees are inevitably the ones who are required to be stronger, more disciplined, more courageous. It's incredibly character building (lol!) and that in itself creates a gulf between you and your ex. We walk through fire when we lose someone, and we still have to keep walking, keep our mouths shut, keep away from phones and email and chat. We suffer and grow. On the other side, those who have wronged us often stay in the same place although ironically they think they've moved on. But they repeat their same mistakes. It's wierd - even if I did see my ex again, I feel like I'm a different person now. These break-ups change us, but for the better, I think. Edited February 19, 2011 by Rose T
depplover_1980 Posted February 19, 2011 Posted February 19, 2011 I never regret a thing Rose, even some of the hideous and idiotic things I did whilst I was a drunk - I look at everything as a part of the path of my life. There are events and signals along the way for everyone, then you can choose to react to the signals or not, but those who do and learn are amazing characters. Those that ignore and plod along are safe and boring.
Gossamer Posted February 19, 2011 Posted February 19, 2011 :bunny:just Bravo. You are just an irresistable, one-woman, philosophical tropical vacation for those of us who need a break from all the "what ifs", "wtfs" and "why mes"? Your 2nd post, especially, needs to be laminated and framed. But your whole thread is *all that*. I will return and return and return to it. I may even incorporate it into some art and mail it to you. Somehow, you need to share it with the world. It needs to become a new guidepost for dumpees. ;-) Peace. /Gossamer Thanks depplover and Gossamer! I know not all break-ups are the same, but I do believe that when someone walks out, choosing the easy exit rather than trying to repair things, their own self-doubts arrive much later. What I see over and over on Love Shack is that we dumpees are inevitably the ones who are required to be stronger, more disciplined, more courageous. It's incredibly character building (lol!) and that in itself creates a gulf between you and your ex. We walk through fire when we lose someone, and we still have to keep walking, keep our mouths shut, keep away from phones and email and chat. We suffer and grow. On the other side, those who have wronged us often stay in the same place although ironically they think they've moved on. But they repeat their same mistakes. It's wierd - even if I did see my ex again, I feel like I'm a different person now. These break-ups change us, but for the better, I think.
0hpenelope Posted February 19, 2011 Posted February 19, 2011 Sending you my love, Rose! You're recovering beautifully and so am I. I had a breakthrough today. I'm so happy to see dumpee threads that are talking about recovery. Progress is great. Keep us posted and I'm rooting for you!
LostMyHeart Posted February 19, 2011 Posted February 19, 2011 Rose T - Thank you for this thread....your advice on here has been an inspiration to me since joining last month. I've really had a hard time of late because of the guilt I have had with going NC, but like your situation, they were already letting go. I have nothing to feel guilty about on my actions, just lessons to learn and recovery. Thank you again and keep up the wonderful advice and inspiration.
Author Rose T Posted February 19, 2011 Author Posted February 19, 2011 Sending you my love, Rose! You're recovering beautifully and so am I. I had a breakthrough today. I'm so happy to see dumpee threads that are talking about recovery. Progress is great. Keep us posted and I'm rooting for you! Aw thanks guys! I'm finally starting to see a bit of the old "me" shining through - that fun and confident person who attracted my ex in the first place and who will be able to attract someone so much better in the near future! I've also realised how much I'm enjoying being on my own at the moment - I've been working my arse off to make new friends and I randomly bumped into one of the them yesterday and we made further plans... Then I saw someone else I met recently and they invited me to a really cool event! In a city this size, if you're bumping into people in the street it means you must have a lot of friends!!! Life is good...
imyuinny Posted February 19, 2011 Posted February 19, 2011 Thank you for sharing the lovely post, I do wish to reach your state very soon. It makes me look forward to one day feeling that good. Thanks for the inspiration again!
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