Celestine Posted February 18, 2011 Posted February 18, 2011 So I met this boy at work. At first I didn't really know who he was but he always said "hi" and smiled when he passed me. One day I was early at work and the building entrance was still closed and he was there too. We started to talk and then had breakfast together and in the end we were both an hour late for work. From then on, he introduced me to his friends, we spend our breaks together etc. Then last week we met at a party, which we had previously talked about. But it was a complete disaster. We sat next to each other for two hours, didn't really talk much. But his friends kept making jokes about us being a couple. The situation was awkward so I decided to leave and he got kind of angry, in the end he asked for my number and told me he couldn't walk me home because of some (guy) friend he still had to meet. On Tuesday there was another party and both my and his friends tried really hard to get us together. So, we finally talked about this. and what he said was basically this: "I really like you, you know. I like this flirting thing. And I would so love to kiss you, but I really don't want to hurt you, you know. Girls always think too far. I wouldn't care as much as you". (This really doesn't make much sense because I'm leaving the country next week which he knows and I sure do not think that this will be something "more" which I told him) From some past experiences I would sure interpret this as a nice "I'm not interested". Now I just wonder with the limited time horizon that was clear from the very beginning, why did he talk to me at all? Any thoughts?
Nexus One Posted February 18, 2011 Posted February 18, 2011 He likes you, but either not enough for serious relaionship with you or he's a guy that likes to sleep with various women in one night stands, but is honest about it to women. Or he's a player, but he knows/thinks you're nice girl and doesn't want to hurt you, so he told you.
Mrlonelyone Posted February 18, 2011 Posted February 18, 2011 He could be protecting himself from getting hurt. He may have been the one with deeper feelings for a while and now your leaving... This way he feels empowered as the breaker upper.
Nexus One Posted February 18, 2011 Posted February 18, 2011 He could be protecting himself from getting hurt. He may have been the one with deeper feelings for a while and now your leaving... This way he feels empowered as the breaker upper. But then he wouldn't say this: "Girls always think too far. I wouldn't care as much as you"
Author Celestine Posted February 18, 2011 Author Posted February 18, 2011 But then he wouldn't say this: "Girls always think too far. I wouldn't care as much as you" I thought about this line quite some time since he repeated the latter part about 5 times even though I told hime that I got it...
Nexus One Posted February 18, 2011 Posted February 18, 2011 (edited) I thought about this line quite some time since he repeated the latter part about 5 times even though I told him that I got it... Well, then he really wants you to get that. He's saying it for your own protection. He likes you, but he warns you and if he repeated that warning 5 times, then I think it's safe to assume he's pretty serious about it. Ich denke das er ernst ist. Edited February 18, 2011 by Nexus One
Author Celestine Posted February 18, 2011 Author Posted February 18, 2011 Well, then he really wants you to get that. He's saying it for your own protection. He likes you, but he warns you and if he repeated that warning 5 times, then I think it's safe to assume he's pretty serious about it. Yeah. I got that. He might be a player, he sure has the looks to have most girls he wants. I basically told him that I wouldn't think we were going to marry just because we made out. He answered that he didn't want me to think bad about him. Now what I don't understand why he cares what I think about him afterwards because we really won't see each other again after next week.
Nexus One Posted February 18, 2011 Posted February 18, 2011 (edited) Yeah. I got that. He might be a player, he sure has the looks to have most girls he wants. I basically told him that I wouldn't think we were going to marry just because we made out. He answered that he didn't want me to think bad about him. Now what I don't understand why he cares what I think about him afterwards because we really won't see each other again after next week. You should make a distinction between players and guys that sleep with multiple women, but are always honest and upfront about it to them. I don't consider such guys players as there's complete transparency about it. So he might be that kind of guy. As for the matter why he cares what you think. Well he likes you and doesn't want you to think he's a bad guy in any case. That or he's just generally a good guy. Just because a guy will not see someone ever again, doesn't mean they don't have to care about your feelings. Only a real player wouldn't care, or a person that doesn't give about other people in the first place. It is however possible that he's a player, but that he made an exception for you and told you. I'm not saying he is, I'm just saying that that's a possibility. He certainly talks like he has experience in situations where the girls want more than he's willing to give. Although I'm not sure he told them that before he slept with them. Edited February 18, 2011 by Nexus One
Author Celestine Posted February 18, 2011 Author Posted February 18, 2011 So I figured what I should have done is just told the guy I didn't care about tomorrow and kissed him. Since he somehow didn't seem to believe me that it was exactly what I was up for... I know better next time...
Nexus One Posted February 18, 2011 Posted February 18, 2011 So I figured what I should have done is just told the guy I didn't care about tomorrow and kissed him. Since he somehow didn't seem to believe me that it was exactly what I was up for... I know better next time... Viel Glück.
Author Celestine Posted February 20, 2011 Author Posted February 20, 2011 (edited) So I guess I really screwed this one up. I got in the situation with the guy again: We were at a party and didn't talk all night. Though my friends kept telling me he was looking at me all the time and I caught him staring a couple of times too. We made eye contact a couple of times but nothing happened. So when I left I decided to say goodbye since we won't see each other again. Anyway, he said he was really glad that we met. And suddenly we were really close and talked about half an hour just about being happy that we met. He got kinda touchy and played around with my hands. Then he pulled me closer and said "it's your turn, do something". So we stared into each others eyes with just a couple of inches between our faces. But somehow neither of us wanted to give and take that last step. So he got really angry with me and said that he didn't like this game. I replied that he was the one who initiated it. We said some other not-so-nice things. Shortly afterwards a friend of his, told me that he really wasn't worth it and that I should rather go for some other guy. Anyway I was really tired by then and walked up to him once again, he looked me in the eye and said "I was very serious, I'm really glad we met", we hugged, he kissed me on the cheek. I left the party. Now I feel kinda crushed. I don't know what to make out of this mess and I'm trying to find a way to put this story behing myself. I guess in the end I must admit, he was right when he feared that I cared just a little too much. You guys think it would be weird to contact him and finally ask what he thought this thing was all about? Edited February 20, 2011 by Celestine
Nexus One Posted February 20, 2011 Posted February 20, 2011 (edited) I don't think it would be weird, although it might give him the idea that you care. But I think I know why he did that and I'm not sure he will tell you the truth about it if you asked. He warned you to stay away from him for your own sake, except despite him warning you 5 times you approached anyway and I don't think you made it clear to him that you didn't want a long term relationship or serious relationship with him, but just a one night stand. So I'm guessing he got confused, thinking: "Why the hell did this girl ignore my warnings and came up to me anyway, doesn't she get what I told her?" So I'm thinking he mistook your behavior as wanting to get serious with him, into a relationship, despite his warnings, but when both of you didn't initiate something in the dynamic between you two snapped. I think the confusion took over and he reacted the way he reacted, I don't think he was prepared for you approaching him the way you did, because in his mind he wrote you off due to his warnings. In his mind he did you a favor by warning you, but you came up to him anyway without a proper explanation and that drove him into a corner and he reacted like a cornered dog and bit you out of reflex. You need to be really clear and direct to guys in a tactful manner. Some female forum members hate it that they have to spoon feed men like that, but that's how men are, they only look for the most obvious signs in language and behavior and what you don't clearly and directly tell them, they will not know. And many if not most men will only behave and react on the basis of things that they DO know, especially when there's a woman involved. Edited February 20, 2011 by Nexus One
Author Celestine Posted February 20, 2011 Author Posted February 20, 2011 I don't know I explained to him several times that I make a difference between caring about with whom I have a one night stand and wanting to marry the other person the next day. But I got the feeling that he was just really obsessed with the thought that I wouldn't think anything bad about him. With even his friends telling me he's not worth it, he must have played really hard on some girls in the past or something. I just have a hard time realizing that and why we didn't get things together (not in the relationship kind of way).
Nexus One Posted February 20, 2011 Posted February 20, 2011 I don't know I explained to him several times that I make a difference between caring about with whom I have a one night stand and wanting to marry the other person the next day. I'm not sure how you said it, but if you said you only make a difference, instead of that with him you're willing to only have a one night stand, then that still might not have brought across the message to him.
Author Celestine Posted February 20, 2011 Author Posted February 20, 2011 I'm not sure how you said it, but if you said you only make a difference, instead of that with him you're willing to only have a one night stand, then that still might not have brought across the message to him. Which again leads me to the conclusion: Don't talk, just do.
Nexus One Posted February 21, 2011 Posted February 21, 2011 (edited) Which again leads me to the conclusion: Don't talk, just do. Well not entirely, because he'll still not understand why you'd be ignoring his warnings. Be clear and direct in a tactful way: "I understand what you're saying, but I want to have a one night stand with you. Don't worry about me wanting more, it's not what I'm going for." There's no ambiguity in there and it explains why you ignore his warnings. That's what guys understand. Edited February 21, 2011 by Nexus One
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