kittie01231977 Posted March 26, 2004 Posted March 26, 2004 I need someone to put me in my place. I have been single since September of 2003 and I have not really had an interest in dating. I look, but no one had an impact on me until I met a married man a couple months ago. I have tons of friends, a huge family and plenty of men that are interested me and I just can't understand why or how I could be so infatuated with a man who is married. I have had passed relationships where my boyfriend has cheated on me and I would never wish it on anyone. I of course planned on never saying anything to him about how I felt and I made an extra effort not to be flirty with him. The more we saw of each other the more I wanted to see of him and he began to ask what my plans were for the week or the weekend. I asked about his wife who I had never met and I never saw, which I think was my biggest mistake. He went on to describe her unhappiness with him and their marriage. They have a 2 year old who she wishes she didn't have, she is going out all the time with her friends and leaving him home alone so he started to have his Mom babysit. I tried giving him advise on how he can patch things up with her and make her see that the distance between them is growing and that it's hurting him, but he comes back everytime with no results. Unfortunately I have come to the conclusion that he is falling for me and it's intoxicating. I know the way we feel for each other is not wrong, we respect each other, we are honest with each other and we are becoming the best of friends. I also know the way we feel for each other is going to take us places that aren't so nice. He's begun to push for more closeness. He stands closer to me every time we see each other and it feels so good. Other people have started to notice, although my mother noticed the spark right away. She has tried discouraging me from spending time with him and has arranged several meetings with other men that only pale in his comparison. I guess what I am looking for is to get beat up a little. Everyone on these boards does a great job of that. So make me feel horrible for what I want. Show me how selfish I am, because the only thing I feel is that I want to love him, care for him, and be there for him. Point out all the things that are so horrible with this situation because I am completely disolutioned.[font=arial][/font][color=blue][/color]
tattoomytoe Posted March 26, 2004 Posted March 26, 2004 what if his current wife was you 2 and half years ago? will you be her in another 2? how can you trust him now about anything? if you are intiment with him, you will also be intiment with his wife, and all his others, and hers.... is he worth it?
sweetbilly Posted March 26, 2004 Posted March 26, 2004 Eventhough this is unacceptable behavior, you're not alone. Was that good enough?
Author kittie01231977 Posted March 26, 2004 Author Posted March 26, 2004 Originally posted by tattoomytoe what if his current wife was you 2 and half years ago? will you be her in another 2? how can you trust him now about anything? if you are intiment with him, you will also be intiment with his wife, and all his others, and hers.... is he worth it? To me there is nothing more discerning than when we don't appreciate and love each other as we should. It's upsetting to see that his wife is not interested in him and in their life. I can't possible understand what she is going through. I don't know how things were 2 years ago when they were married or if I allowed things to progress with him after they seperate or divorce where we would be in 2 years, but I do know that he is worth more than a paycheck and a babysitter and that he deserves her respect. He is a wonderful father and a wonderful friend. I believe that one reason why he is interested in my is that he is lonely and he is afraid. He doesn't know what's going to happen or how things were turn out. I think we might also be getting along so well because we are both in this "who knows what's going to happen" boat.
Guest Posted March 26, 2004 Posted March 26, 2004 And it's also possible that his marriage is just fine and that he tells you it isn't to gain your sympathy and interest. While it's not impossible that his wife regrets the birth of their child, I'd say this is a pretty unusual response for a mother, even if (and this is a big if) she is no longer interested in her husband. Frankly, this doesn't pass the smell test in my book. A man who will betray his wife is not a good bet for the long run.. or even the short run. I think you really need to question why this guy is more interested in pursuing you than in mending the relationship with the woman he presumably swore to honor and cherish for life. At a minimum, if his home situation is really as he describes it, then he should be doing everything in his power to minimize the effect on his daughter. How can he possibly have the emotional energy for you when he knows his 2yo is unwanted by her mother?
Author kittie01231977 Posted March 26, 2004 Author Posted March 26, 2004 That is an awesome point. Maybe I can help him by pointing his attentions in the way of his child instead of me. I really don't doubt he believes he can't fix what is wrong with his marriage, but I can still insist that I believe he still needs to try. If I were his wife I wouldn't want him to give up on me.
NotaBadGuy Posted March 26, 2004 Posted March 26, 2004 Kittie, Sounds like you are in a tough place right now. This man could be the greatest thing in the world, but he is married. I don't think you need to be beat up about it. It sounds like you are beating up yourself pretty bad right now and that you recognize what is going on. It sounds like he is all but abandoning his marriage. Maybe rightfully so, maybe not. My thoughts are that he is now directing his present energies on his friendship/interest in you and neglecting even trying on the homefront. It also sounds like his wife has pulled away from the marriage herself. When both parties pull away, then all thats left is whats left in the middle, usually the children. Like an earlier post mentioned, his child should be a high priority and focus right now, even if things continue to sour marriage wise. My wife took off on me last Oct/November. I did everything I could within my own power and limits to try to convince her our marriage was worth saving and that I would do anything to prove it. She was, in a way, similar to your friends wife. Started going out all the time, staying out late hours, and leaving me alone. We did not have a child together. And it was later found out that she was seeing another guy. I felt so alone. I felt so hurt. And still sometimes do. I can relate to where this guy seems to be coming from to some extent. But I also see the danger in getting close to a person of the opposite sex during these times. It would start out as just friends taking to each other, but over time, that would begin to progress. It would progress because there is a person there who actually appears to care, whether it be in the friendship context or the romantic context. And the hurt subsides for the time being because this person now has an emotional release and support. I guess my point is that if he is that unhappy with his marriage, he does have options. You seem pretty well in tune with what is happening and there is no doubt that you care about this man's well being. There is nothing wrong with wanting to be there for him, care for him and to even love him. But out of respect for him, yourself, his wife and especially his child, imagine the potential devistation and destruction that could potentially be lurking around the corner of this situation. I am sure you have had friends who have cheated and who have been cheated on. There is pain, hurt, and a sense of deciet associated with the situation. I have never stepped out on a committed relationship I have ever been in. I have never even considered it. And I have never thought about going after a married woman when I have been single. Maybe I am old school, but it would eat at my conscience. I know you will do what you feel is right in the end, just think with your head and not your heart. Good luck and hopefully this post had some applicability. Just my thoughts on the matter though.
moimeme Posted March 27, 2004 Posted March 27, 2004 He went on to describe her unhappiness with him and their marriage. They have a 2 year old who she wishes she didn't have, she is going out all the time with her friends and leaving him home alone so he started to have his Mom babysit. Tens of thousands of women have heard that exact same story from tens of thousands of men. They get into affairs with the men. The men never leave their wives. It's one of the oldest stories in the book.
SomeoneWhoKnows Posted March 27, 2004 Posted March 27, 2004 There are plenty of men in this world and you need to butt out of his marriage. If he is having problems with is wife, that is none of your business and you have no right to be including yourself in his life, even if he is inviting you in. He needs marriage counseling and he needs to turn to his wife to fix these problems--neither of those choices are yours and you have no place in their marriage. Be a decent human being and put yourself in the shoes of the wife. You may be in that same position as his wife someday and I do believe what goes around comes around. Treat others the way you would like to be treated or suffer the consequences. Have you ever imagined if you did have an affair with him and if she found out? You can never really know what might happen in that situation....you could end up being killed, disabled, exposed, stalked, threatened, vandalized...or you could end up miserabley married to that dirtbag as he tells the next co-worker how you neglect him, are selfish, don't understand him, blah, blah, blah. MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS!!!!!
morrigan Posted March 27, 2004 Posted March 27, 2004 It sounds like the same stereotypical cruel, unfeeling, miserable spouse that is dragging that poor saint of a man down. Do you really believe all married men who cheat are married to Cindrella's stepmother? Don't invest in horse manure. Has he ever contributed any flaws or faults of his when he discusses his marital problems with you? Has he ever once said he wants to save his marriage or is he actually filing for a divorce? Complaining about his marriage to a woman he finds attractive isn't what I would call action.
saintfrancis Posted March 28, 2004 Posted March 28, 2004 kittie, His story makes NO sense at all. His wife goes out all the time, leaving him with the child, so his reaction as a "loving father" is to pass the kid off to his mother? What? If he truly loves that kid, and his wife really is stepping out all the time, is he really going to ditch the child himself too? Wouldn't he be inclined to take extra care of her under those circumstances? Am I missing something?? sf
overseas2004 Posted March 29, 2004 Posted March 29, 2004 YOu have picked an interesting choice of words that totally reveal what you are planning really in your head on doing in this relationship. You mention that you are going to point him in the right direction and tell him to focus his energy on his child? Sorry to say but this choice of words on your part reveals that you don't actively plan on pushing him away and not being involved with him. YOu only half heartedly plan to "point him in the direction of his child". I find this very pathetic. Although I see you do have a wee bit of a concious I am not sure it is enough to save you. If you manage to extricate yourself out of this one it will be because you forcefully say "no" to him and not because you point him in the direction of his child and remind him he has a two year old. Hope you have fun on the rollecoaster of emotions you are about to get on. Let us know how your affair turns out. And yes I agree he is a lying sack of s*** as all the others have pointed out.
Author kittie01231977 Posted March 29, 2004 Author Posted March 29, 2004 First of all I have to thank everyone for their opinions and advice. Thank you! This passed weekend has not helped me at all. I bartend for my parents every once in a while and there was a big party on Saturday night when I was bar-tending. MM came in early invited his whole family. Most of them stayed the entire night. His wife came in for a couple and then she left with another man, who I just imagined was a friend. MM told me the other man and her didn't come home until 7am the Thursday night. I told him I didn't want to hear about it. I told him no matter how horrible he paints her out to be, they are still married! I asked him what he was looking for from me and told him I wouldn't be some way for him to get back at his wife and I can't make him feel better about what's going on.... It all came out pretty easy and it felt very good to be strong in what I believe. But by the end of the night we were talking and having fun and he started making comments again. I told him I didn't want to talk about it anymore and he said he understood. He said he knows that I can't know exactly what's going on. He said I don't know how close things are to being over. He said I don't know how much he wants to hold me, to kiss me, to be with me and I just didn't say anything. A bunch of people, him and myself went out for breakfast and I didn't talk to him at all. He called me yesterday and apologized for everything he said. He said he just wanted me to know how he felt about me, I don't know what to say to him. I asked him not to put me in the middle of what is going on and if he really cared about me he wouldn't do that to me. I don't want to push him away, but I don't want to lead him on or let him know I share the same feelings. I know I didn't handle everything maybe the perfect way I can't imagine what the perfect way would be. It's so hard. I feel for anyone that is in a position like this.
overseas2004 Posted March 30, 2004 Posted March 30, 2004 Why would you feel for someone in a position like this? You don't have to be in this position but you constantly keep yourself in it???? I just don't understand what is difficult about your position. YOu are hot for a married guy and you know that you shouldn't do it yet you keep yourself at the edge of the pool so you can slowly be pulled in? I am sorry but I don't feel for you. This is all your own doing. There is a wise saying amongst my people/ "Dont build your hapiness on someone elses misery". And I agree with that wholeheartedly. If he really likes you that much and his marriage is "close to being over" as he says then you can date after the divorce. But until then you do need to push him away. Or if not then you can go through the hell that all the other women are going through here. But to feel pity for you... I refuse. Sorry you are not in any way a victim of anyone but yourself. LOL
Author kittie01231977 Posted March 30, 2004 Author Posted March 30, 2004 I didn't feel as though in anything I wrote I was asking for anyone's pity. Nor do I believe that I have been happy about this situation or my involvement in any of it. I simply stated I feel for someone in this position because I believe that it's human nature to care for and love other human beings. He is asking for my caring and love, it's hard to turn that part of myself off. It's hard to turn away from someone you believe is hurting. If you would kindly read my last post again I hope you catch the part where I say that I did turn him away.
overseas2004 Posted March 31, 2004 Posted March 31, 2004 Ok I have re-read your post and I first want you to understand that I don't mean to be harsh or mean. What I do want to do is try to be real with you. I have made the same mistake that you made in life as well (not with a MM but with someone who was sick and needed my help, it ended up hurting me) If I had someone to be real with me at the outset I may have stopped myself. Instead I had a lot of friends who empathized with me and kept telling me that I was right for trying to help someone. If there was one voice out there who said "hey the guy you are dating is impotent and he has some psychiatric problems and you cant solve that". Maybe I would have not had to suffer for months and months and have a broken heart. Since you claim I did not read your e-mail well. Lets go over it again. OK??? "[color=blue]He said I don't know how much he wants to hold me, to kiss me, to be with me and I just didn't say anything"[/color] You did not say anything because you [color=red]dont really want to turn him away[/color]. It is not just that you want to help him. That is part of it. The other part is that you are attracted to him and you want him to do all the things he has said above. The reason you must resist this temptation (even though it is great) is because first you are not Mother Theresa and you can't help him solve his marital problems. He has to do that on his own. Secondly, you really don't know what is going on in his marriage. While his wife may look evil to you now. You don't know what prompted her to act that way. You don't have the whole history ... you only have his version. Which is at best half the story. Finally, you are a single woman and all single women should have a rule. "MARRIED MEN ARE OFF LIMITS". In all my 36 years of life I have hardly ever seen a relationship in which the other woman in a love triangle ended up happy. And I spent a lot of time in divorce court as a lawyer... So I know this for sure. Also had a lot of stupid friends who did this and got burned. Go find yourself a nice single guy. There are plenty out there. Now lets get back to your e-mail since you claim I did not understand it properly. "[color=blue]He called me yesterday and apologized for everything he said. He said he just wanted me to know how he felt about me, I don't know what to say to him. I asked him not to put me in the middle of what is going on and if he really cared about me he wouldn't do that to me. I don't want to push him away, but I don't want to lead him on or let him know I share the same feelings".[/color] I don't really need to analyze the above statement too much nor do you. The conflict inside you is logged in your own words. You want this to work out somehow without you getting hurt. But you do know that the likelihood of you getting hurt is high. You asked him NOT to put you in the middle of this. You should not ask him to do that. You should ask yourself not to be in the middle of this. He may not be able to control himself. YOU SHOULD AND CAN. "[color=blue]I know I didn't handle everything maybe the perfect way I can't imagine what the perfect way would be. It's so hard. I feel for anyone that is in a position like this."[/color] YOu most certainly did not handle this in the perfect way. You left the door open for him in all your conversations. You asked him to be the one in control. You asked him not to put you in the middle. You said you would point him in the direction of his child. The perfect way (if you can't imagine it) is to tell him that 1. you are sorry for his problems 2. that you really like him and are attracted to him 3. however you do not want to ever be involved with a married man 4. that he should call you if he ever works out his problems towards a divorce. 5. Goodbye You will either loose all self control and become and adulteress or you will take control of your own actions and not let that happen. It is totally up to you. While fighting your emotions may be a difficult thing to do (I can empathize with you there to some small degree). Ultimately you will be doing yourself a favor by resisting the temptation. I don't think I read anything incorrectly into your e-mail. You should do the right thing. The right thing for you is to put a stop to this NOW. Otherwise you will do alot of things that you wont' be proud of later. And you have a huge potential to get hurt by this man. So good luck.. hope you do the right thing. And as far as me not being able to read into e-mails... I was trained to read between the lines after 5 years of work as a trial attorney. So I dont doubt my abilities there.[color=black][/color][color=black][/color]
saintfrancis Posted April 1, 2004 Posted April 1, 2004 Excellent advice overseas! I wish you had been around to "get real" with me about two years ago!!
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