Miss_G Posted February 18, 2011 Posted February 18, 2011 Anyone who has ever read my posts will understand my situation with ex. In a nutshell: We were together for 3 - 4 years. We have a young child together. We split up 6 months ago nearly although have never really cut complete contact because our child. We've been to all extremes: 'worked on things', been dating, fallen out completely, been to solicitors, been intimate once or twice (yes, yes, this was a bad idea!) and it all came to blows when his dad assaulted my mum. It wasn't EXTREME but she was shaken (mainly due to an incident when she was attacked as a child). The police were briefly involved before she dropped the case. This isn't the first time I've had problems with them. His mum and I have had 'words' shall we say. She believed because I didn't work and looked after our son that I was lazy and had done nothing with my life (I have a degree and am in the process of training to be a teacher, my career was put on hold so her son could continue his and is doing very well!!) There are other things, weird little things, that make me uncomfortable with him being with them. I won't go into details but past posts will tell all. Anyway, because of events with his dad coupled with other things I told ex that baby was not to see exes parents until they contacted me and we could come to an arrangement that I felt they would not undermine my upbringing. Especially as we are now 'two households'. I didn't want ex to stop seeing baby though as that is unfair on my child. So ex and I have been going out as a family with baby and taking him on days out. These have been great. We've really connected again as friends (me and ex). We've laughed and joked and some of the tension of our relationship has been resolved and we're now relaxed. Obviously, I got hopes up for a reconciliation. Ex had said before going out that he no longer wanted to work on 'us' and that we were over. I thought that we had mellowed and his mind may have changed. I asked him and he stuck to 'no, I don't want to date or anything with anyone. I want to be alone'. I accepted this and we continued as friends. People on here have suggested I cut contact but I can't until things with his parents are sorted. It is not as simple as just dropping my principles and handing him over. Anyway, the last time we went out, ex was being OVERLY flirting (he has been other times but not like this). He made reference to 'intimacy' which he said he hasn't done with anyone else since we split. He also says he's never kissed or done anything. This I don't understand. Anyway, I played along a little and told him this would only be acceptable if he wanted to get back otherwise he would be leading me on falsely. Whereas he usually would say 'ok, I'll stop' he said nothing. I asked him if he was leading me on for good reason, ie. wanting to try again. He said he had gone from 'no, not at all' to not knowing and that he was still hurting from the split. I asked him if he was IN LOVE with me still. He said that sometimes, when I'm happy and joyful, he is but when I get moody and grumpy it makes him realise why he doesn't want to come back to the set up (things were very bad when we broke, I suffered from PND but all is good now!). He told me that his parents had said they would accept us in a relationship again and he asked me if I would forgive and forget as well. I said I would. However, the flirting comments stopped after this and I wonder whether he stopped the flirting because it WAS leading me on and he doesn't want to get back. But if that is so, why say what he has said? I'm not sure if this is just me or whether these are baby steps to resolving problems and getting back on track. If so, I realise it would take time but I need advising on how to do so. Is he just afraid to have me in his life no more, as a friend or is there still chemistry there? We have a child. I don't want to walk when I feel things are still delicate. Equally, I don't want to cut all contact with him as there seems to be mellowing from us hanging out. He called me 'needy' the other day when we went out and said that I was starting to annoy him. This was my fault really as I started a joke (well, sort of true feeling really) where I would say "you hate me!" and he'd say "no I don't at all!!" Maybe that has just reassured him that I am still desperate and he doesn't want to be with that. I'm so confused!! I just want him back!!
loveforever Posted February 18, 2011 Posted February 18, 2011 Wow....read's a bit like my story.... Warning....long !!!! http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showpost.php?p=3244726&postcount=7 All I can say for now (have to go back to work) is 180 !!!!!! Read up on it and try it !!!!!! This is my result so far..... http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showpost.php?p=3254103&postcount=27
Author Miss_G Posted February 19, 2011 Author Posted February 19, 2011 Thanks for the reply! I read up on your story and you're right, there are striking similarities! Maybe men are all the same I'm certainly going to do the 180! I need to focus on myself and become and strong. Like ex said, I'm 'needy' so I will not be anymore! I texted him last night to congratulate him on some success he'd had at work. He replied asking if the 'thanks' was from our child. I said it could be if he wanted but really I was sending it from me. He said he just thought the way it was worded sounded like it was from our child (me obviously pretending to be child if you get me!) He said thank you anyway for my 'well done' message. I later went for a drink with a friend and ran into a group of his mates (we were all mates before we got together so his friends are also my friends, but obviously not as close to me as him!) One of them (had had a bit to drink) began telling me what a great girl I was and how he was certain ex and I were going to get married and is shock at how we have split. He also said he believed ex truly loves me and does still and that he believes we will work things out. He also said that ex is clearly bothered by interest from other guys. (Can't remember if I said, ex asked if I'd been on dates and I told him I had had offers. He asked many questions in a jokey way but clearly interested. I told him breifly to which he said "well remember, they'll break your heart but I don't care about YOU dating but I don't want them meeting the baby" I told him straight that when I got serious with somone else they WOULD meet the baby and quite possibly be a big part of his life, especially if I was to get married. I then reminded ex that this was HIS choice as he does not want to get back together. Effectively HE choses another man to enter baby's life. Ex didn't like this and went quiet). Anyway, exes friend told me to get on with things and that ex is too busy with career to focus on anything else. I'm so confused and upset. He was my best friend and we have such a great relatioship/friendship still. How can he just let it go so easy?!
Author Miss_G Posted February 20, 2011 Author Posted February 20, 2011 Ok, so last night I was waiting for text off ex to meet up the next day with the baby. He finally text late in the night asking to have baby on his own if possible. I repeated (for the 15millionth time!!!) that until issues are solved with his parents I won't let him take him alone. I have to stick to my morals on this. He said that he still wanted us to hang out as a family but would just like him on his own once a week. I told him that if he was to have baby alone then it defeats the object of going out together. I told him that this 'arrangement' is not permanant as I think he gets his cake and eats it too (ie. has me there, has his family but can come and go as he pleases!) He told me that it was fine to go out together and he wasn't angry. I think he was personally. I told him I'd speak to him in the morning about arrangements and apologised for things having to be this way. He told me not to worry. Anyway, I went to a party last night and then out for a few drinks with a large group of friends. My friend came up to me in a bar after going to the toilet and said that she had just seen ex and he had spoken to her fiance. My friends fiance, who is mutually friends with ex, had told her that ex had asked if I was ok. When he said 'yes', ex had nodded and said "right, ok..." :/ who knows that what means. Friends fiance told me that he hadn't spoken to him but was smirking. I wanted to know how ex had said it but fiance just kept smirking saying 'he didn't say anything!'. (Friends fiance is my friend, he wasn't being an idiot...more a case of had ex said something about me that he didn't want to discuss??) I just don't know how I feel at all. I breifly saw ex out of corner of my eye as I went passed him with a friend and I did see him making an effort to look at me. I ignored him and pretended I hadn't seen him. I noticed a few of his friends in a later bar but didn't bother looking closely and continued having fun with friends. I don't know if ex was with them or not. I'm so confused and getting miserable. It's so up and down. I just feel I read too much into things hoping for some sort of 'turn around' for us getting together. I just don't know how to get on with things. My whole life at the moment is focussed on us getting back and if we didn't I'd just be lost!
Author Miss_G Posted February 20, 2011 Author Posted February 20, 2011 Been out with ex to day and feel totally HEARTBROKEN!! He said he saw me last night and was upset that I hadn't gone over and said hi. I told him I hadn't see him. He said he thought I was deliberately ignoring him. Anyway, things were going great. He was being very flirty and touchy-feely. I told him not to 'come onto me' if it had no substance, ie. him changing his mind and wanting to get back together. I know he's not much of a talker so I just said 'bear that in mind when you start this flirting'. He said 'ok' and continued. This went on all day. It got very heated and I kept repeatedly telling him that I did not want him to do it unless there was substance. He continued. I took this as a good sign. Eventually, as we were about to part company I said 'if we were to sleep together, be honest, would you still turn around and say that you want to be only friends?' He hesitated to answer. I said it was a simple yes or no. Eventually he said 'Yes, I'd probably still say I wanted to be friends'. I feel utterly broken. I'd said several times not to lead me on as I will end up getting hurt. And he carried on even though he said hurting me is the last thing he would want to do. And now I feel like I've been shot in the heart!! I really believed, after his 'I don't know what I want' comments that he was moving towards me and not away. I feel embarassed to have spent an entire day with him making a fool of myself! (He's touchy-feely and I've let him, playing along, believing it the start of something positive). Now I feel dirty and stupid. I don't know what to do with myself. I just love him so much and can't believe this is how we have gotten. I just want him back!!!!!!!!!!!!!
loveforever Posted February 20, 2011 Posted February 20, 2011 Been out with ex to day and feel totally HEARTBROKEN!! He said he saw me last night and was upset that I hadn't gone over and said hi. I told him I hadn't see him. He said he thought I was deliberately ignoring him. Anyway, things were going great. He was being very flirty and touchy-feely. I told him not to 'come onto me' if it had no substance, ie. him changing his mind and wanting to get back together. I know he's not much of a talker so I just said 'bear that in mind when you start this flirting'. He said 'ok' and continued. This went on all day. It got very heated and I kept repeatedly telling him that I did not want him to do it unless there was substance. He continued. I took this as a good sign. Eventually, as we were about to part company I said 'if we were to sleep together, be honest, would you still turn around and say that you want to be only friends?' He hesitated to answer. I said it was a simple yes or no. Eventually he said 'Yes, I'd probably still say I wanted to be friends'. I feel utterly broken. I'd said several times not to lead me on as I will end up getting hurt. And he carried on even though he said hurting me is the last thing he would want to do. And now I feel like I've been shot in the heart!! I really believed, after his 'I don't know what I want' comments that he was moving towards me and not away. I feel embarassed to have spent an entire day with him making a fool of myself! (He's touchy-feely and I've let him, playing along, believing it the start of something positive). Now I feel dirty and stupid. I don't know what to do with myself. I just love him so much and can't believe this is how we have gotten. I just want him back!!!!!!!!!!!!! Dear Miss G......I so feel your pain !!!!!! I'm dealing with the same crap as you and it's killing me... The hope...the disappointment..... I've came to the conclusion today that I need to go a full blown 180 now !!!!! Not to get him back but for me to get better !!!!! My ex (as well as your ex) are cake eaters and they won't understand what they have lost until they've really lost it...... I'm hurting myself by having hope and that needs to stop..... Don't give him the chance to hurt you.....set your boundaries and stick with it.....he might come around faster than you think !!!!!!! 180 !!!!!!! *****hugs***** to you !!!!!
Author Miss_G Posted February 20, 2011 Author Posted February 20, 2011 Thanks loveforever! I know, I've decided that this is my only choice now. I've been feeling this way for a while. I just get terrified at the thought of it being 'over'. I can sense that he isn't coming back and obviously find the comfort in having him there. I feel so numb. This horrendous person who is hurting me so badly is not the man I fell in love with yet all his friendliness and joking is still there. I'm completely torn. I'm going to cut all contact with him though. Get my mum to hand the baby over when he comes to collect him as I hope that it will help me heal so much quicker. I just feel that 6 months after a break up if he isn't back now then he never will (although, we've never had a PROPER split! Not like I will implement now!) I can't stop crying. I really thought this afternoon things were going somewhere. And now I just feel sick. How can he hurt me like this?!
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