tlind Posted February 18, 2011 Posted February 18, 2011 (edited) Hey everyone, I met this girl off of eHarmony. We've been on 3 dates all of which seemed to go really well. Conversation flows, she's always laughing and she usually offers to pay the bill. We both like each other. She knows I'm still a virgin and haven't been in a committed relationship before. After the 2nd date I walked her to her door and she fumbled and dropped her keys then we hugged each other and she asked if she could kiss me on the cheek. I told her the next day that I found it really hard not to kiss her on the lips and she told me that I made her blush in class and that she really wanted to kiss me to. Now, I work out of town and our 3rd date was just over two weeks after the 2nd one. During those two weeks we've talked and/or texted everyday and she's found out that I've never even kissed a girl before, but she still wanted the 3rd date. On our 3rd date for the most part was good, she told me that after finding out that I've never kissed a girl that she was considering closing the match, but that I was a really nice and a sweet guy and she liked me, but doesn't know how she feels about me. Also that she wanted to take things slow and see where this will go, because she wants to guard herself due to getting hurt from past relationships that have moved faster. At the end of the date she told me that it was the best Valentines date she's ever had, but this time she didn't want me to walk her to her door because her sister was home. She's also met about 20 guys off of eHarmony and usually lumps me into the same category as all the rest of them ("Just another eHarmony date"). I bought her dark chocolates (her favourite) and she made a joke about her wondering how many of the candies I've drugged, and she also told me how she takes 5 hours to get ready for a date but it was only an eHarmony date so 1 hour was enough to get ready. She wants another date and since my birthday is coming up she wants to take me out, but at the same time I've told her 3 times my actual birthday and she can't remember. All of these things kind of hurt, especially the drugged candy comment even though she always says "I'm just kidding." I want to kiss her and she even said that our first one will probably be awkward, but that she can be patient for it. I know after the 2nd date she wanted me to kiss her, but now I'm not sure, yet she wants another date? I'm new to dating and don't know the right signals to look for. I'm also turning 28 in a few days and she's only 23. I like her and don't want to screw things up, but maybe I already have? Also, I've already caught her in a lie. She said we could spend all day together, so when I said that I'd pick her up at noon, she said she had a client at 1pm (for flower essence) so would 3 be better. Then she said 3 might not work Later she told me that she was actually supposed to give one of her good guy friends an acupressure massage, but he backed out so we were still good for 3. She wasn't sure if I'd be all jealous or not so she felt the need to lie. I'm not in town all the time, so I made time for her, but if she'd rather be making other plans with guy friends instead of sticking to our original plans, be upfront about it. Anyways, most of this is confusing me and any comments from the outside would be much appreciated. Edited February 18, 2011 by tlind
musemaj11 Posted February 18, 2011 Posted February 18, 2011 She is multi dating and you are just one of the back up guys. Im sorry dude.
purple_cloud Posted February 18, 2011 Posted February 18, 2011 You shouldn't have told her that you have never kissed a girl.
Author tlind Posted February 18, 2011 Author Posted February 18, 2011 You shouldn't have told her that you have never kissed a girl. That's kinda what I figured. Oh well, you live you learn
SingVoice Posted February 18, 2011 Posted February 18, 2011 If you met her on eHarmony...she probably met someone else. I was doing eHarmony for awhile too. At one point this happened to me...had a great date...then never heard from him again. Until a week later when he told me he met someone else the next night after our date. But I have also been on the other side of the fence. I have gone on a couple of dates with a guy while I was still talking to/meeting others. We had a good time...but once I met someone I REALLY liked...well...you can see where this is going. Thats the one downfall to online dating...you just never know who else/how many other people the person is talking to. You might have put all your energy into her...but she might have been putting her energy into 5 other guys. (Which might explain why she couldn't keep your birthday straight!) Just move on...when it's right...you'll know...and there won't be any games.
Author tlind Posted February 18, 2011 Author Posted February 18, 2011 If you met her on eHarmony...she probably met someone else. I was doing eHarmony for awhile too. At one point this happened to me...had a great date...then never heard from him again. Until a week later when he told me he met someone else the next night after our date. But I have also been on the other side of the fence. I have gone on a couple of dates with a guy while I was still talking to/meeting others. We had a good time...but once I met someone I REALLY liked...well...you can see where this is going. Thats the one downfall to online dating...you just never know who else/how many other people the person is talking to. You might have put all your energy into her...but she might have been putting her energy into 5 other guys. (Which might explain why she couldn't keep your birthday straight!) Just move on...when it's right...you'll know...and there won't be any games. She told me during the 2nd date that she doesn't multi-date and at that time she seemed fairly trust-worthy. Either way, I'm generally the one initiating contact, so I think I'll let her come to me. If she's genuinely interested she can contact me.
Gala Posted February 18, 2011 Posted February 18, 2011 At the very least, this is someone with a lot of defenses that may be a real pain to deal with. It is also very possible that she is multi-dating. I really think you have expectations of her that are just not realistic -- and those are not likely to abate easily if you keep seeing her. It is not a good sign that she keeps "forgetting" your birthday. She comes across as insecure and desiring of attention, but not very thoughtful.
xpaperxcutx Posted February 19, 2011 Posted February 19, 2011 It's good to be honest about being a virgin but you went overboard with being so open about being inexperienced. You opened up yourself to be used and manipulated.
Mrlonelyone Posted February 19, 2011 Posted February 19, 2011 It's good to be honest about being a virgin but you went overboard with being so open about being inexperienced. You opened up yourself to be used and manipulated. Agreed. OP You gave her too much credit by assuming she was a decent human being. The same mistake her other E harmony matches make. Her disregard for you seems to extend to the whole process. I'll bet she lied when doing her personality quiz. You know to make herself look like a good person. I'll also bet that your personality quiz said something like this : Agreeableness You are best described as: USUALLY TAKING CARE OF OTHERS Words that describe you: Understanding Unquestioning Humane Selfless Gentle Kindhearted Gullible Indulgent Negative Reactions Others May Have Toward You Selfish people might be embarrassed by you. While they're using their time and energy almost exclusively on themselves, they see you giving time to others, and your kindness puts them in a bad light. Maybe they'll think you're a phony, that you use your altruism to get others indebted to you so they'll then owe you a favor. Or perhaps they'll accuse you, directly or behind your back, of focusing on the needs of others so no one ever focuses on your foibles or your genuine wounds. .... The difference is you were telling the truth. (the above is from my own Eharmony personality profile. ) Listen up OP. You are probably a genuinely good guy at heart. There is nothing wrong with you there is something wrong with people like this woman. Forget her she is really truly not good enough for you. Honestly based on her remarks about "just an eharmony date" she's really not good enough for any man on there. Woe be unto whoever "wins" her. He'll think he's getting one thing, when he finds that he's bought another.
Author tlind Posted February 19, 2011 Author Posted February 19, 2011 At the very least, this is someone with a lot of defenses that may be a real pain to deal with. It is also very possible that she is multi-dating. I really think you have expectations of her that are just not realistic -- and those are not likely to abate easily if you keep seeing her. It is not a good sign that she keeps "forgetting" your birthday. She comes across as insecure and desiring of attention, but not very thoughtful. Ya, that's what I was thinking. That's the main reason I posted on here. I agree it doesn't seem like she really knows what she wants or if she even really wants to settle down with someone. The Eharmony stuff she said was quite insulting towards you, and lying to you is disrespectful, obviously. You deserve so much better. This girl will treat you like garbage if you continue relations with her, and your first kiss (or first anything) should really be with someone who treats you much better. Your best interest at heart would be to blow this girl off for good. You are too good for her. Thank you for your kind words, this is something I do know and realize. It's good to be honest about being a virgin but you went overboard with being so open about being inexperienced. You opened up yourself to be used and manipulated. Thank you, I probably shouldn't of said anything about being so inexperienced. I may be new to dating, but I'm not desperate and I know that the right girl wouldn't want to use or manipulate me. Listen up OP. You are probably a genuinely good guy at heart. There is nothing wrong with you there is something wrong with people like this woman. Forget her she is really truly not good enough for you. Honestly based on her remarks about "just an eharmony date" she's really not good enough for any man on there. Woe be unto whoever "wins" her. He'll think he's getting one thing, when he finds that he's bought another. Thank you, I'd like to think that I am, but nobody is perfect and this is something I realize. I'm somewhat sad because we did get along so well, but I have a friend who told me about "A death by a thousand paper cuts" and this is something that comes to the front whenever she's made rude comments.
blackmagik Posted February 19, 2011 Posted February 19, 2011 Although it is admirable to let your partner know about your previous experiences I wouldn't mention them at all. These can make you sound very insecure. One of the best approaches to dating is do what your heart tells you. If your heart tells you to kiss her then go for it! It always clears the air and lets that person know where you stand without having to use words. Let her know after the fact or a few dates after the kiss that she was the first girl you kissed. Know what you want and don't settle for second best. I would move on from this girl, and learn from these experiences. A girl who wants to spend time with you won't make excuses when given the opportunity to see you, she will drop what she is doing to see you.
Author tlind Posted February 22, 2011 Author Posted February 22, 2011 So I've taken everyone's opinions into consideration but still decided to continue seeing her and here's a bit of an update: Date 4: We went out for dinner and she paid for the entire thing because I've already paid so much and she believes in 50/50. Also when dropping her off she said that her sister had an open invitation for me to come and play a board game with her, her sister and her brother. I agreed and she was really happy that I wanted to meet her siblings. The game night went really well and I caught her looking over at me always smiling and we all just had a great night. I liked her brother and sister and she said they liked me. (She's selective about who meets her family and I've been only the second person off of eHarmony to meet her brother). At the end of the night we hugged good night and I went to kiss her on the cheek but she turned her head at the last second and our lips touched, but I was kinda in shock and didn't really do much. Date 5: We went out for breakfast and again she paid for all of it. We walked around a University campus then headed down to a popular street and walked around going into various shops. She was always apologizing to me saying that she doesn't want me to be bored while she shops. I told her that if she was happy shopping, then I was having a good time, which I really was. She also told me how she's always forgetting her sisters birthday and that she always has to ask her brother what day it is on. The bottom line is that I get the feeling that she's been hurt from guys a lot being asses and jerks to her and that's why she's so guarded, but that she's slowly lowering those guards around me. I even pulled her off the road as a car was turning while she was standing on the road. At the end of the date we hugged and had our first real kiss. She said that she really enjoyed our kiss and that she hoped I enjoyed my first one. (I did) So that's kinda where things are now.
xpaperxcutx Posted February 22, 2011 Posted February 22, 2011 Why do I get the feeling she's about to friendzone you? I'm glad that she's very open about getting the tab but you really need to stop letting her pay for everything. If 50/50 is really the issue here, then go " dutch". Just don't let her cover the entire tab. From personal experience, I only pay for myself if I have no chemistry with a guy and I want to draw a clear line that I don't owe him anything.
Author tlind Posted February 22, 2011 Author Posted February 22, 2011 Why do I get the feeling she's about to friendzone you? I'm glad that she's very open about getting the tab but you really need to stop letting her pay for everything. If 50/50 is really the issue here, then go " dutch". Just don't let her cover the entire tab. From personal experience, I only pay for myself if I have no chemistry with a guy and I want to draw a clear line that I don't owe him anything. She told me she believes in going "dutch", it's just because I paid for the first few dates, she wanted to throw her share in. I paid for the coffees and dairy queen later on in date 5. I don't know. I hope you're wrong, I suppose I'm going to have to break the touch barrier next time and see what happens.
xpaperxcutx Posted February 22, 2011 Posted February 22, 2011 She told me she believes in going "dutch", it's just because I paid for the first few dates, she wanted to throw her share in. I paid for the coffees and dairy queen later on in date 5. I don't know. I hope you're wrong, I suppose I'm going to have to break the touch barrier next time and see what happens. Yes do that. A relationship needs sexual chemistry and physical is imperative if you want to build something here. I'm actually surprised that after 5 dates, the only thing you've done is a hug and a ' half" kiss. Go for hand holding and more touching. Ignite some sparks please.
Mrlonelyone Posted February 22, 2011 Posted February 22, 2011 By all means break the touch barrier. She's putting it out there that she would like you to meet her people. That's huge...that's really huge.
Author tlind Posted February 22, 2011 Author Posted February 22, 2011 Yes do that. A relationship needs sexual chemistry and physical is imperative if you want to build something here. I'm actually surprised that after 5 dates, the only thing you've done is a hug and a ' half" kiss. Go for hand holding and more touching. Ignite some sparks please. Thank you, this is something I do know! I've wanted to hold her hand since about date 2, I've just been really conservative due from my lack of experience. But I know that eventually this will kill any romantic interest if I don't step up and show her that I'm romantically interested in her. It was more then a half kiss by the way... to me anyways, lol! She also knows about my lack of experience and said that she can be patient, but I still have to step up real soon. By all means break the touch barrier. She's putting it out there that she would like you to meet her people. That's huge...that's really huge. Thank you, next time I see her I will grab her hand, pull her close and kiss her the way she deserves. That will tell me everything I need to know based on her reaction.
blackmagik Posted February 23, 2011 Posted February 23, 2011 The half hug with the arm around her move is a good one. Just put your arm around her as you are walking down the street or whatever and like half hug her with it. After that you can just leave it there and pull her close. Hand holding can be a jumble really quick. Half hug, arm around her, not so much.
irc333 Posted February 23, 2011 Posted February 23, 2011 Right, when it comes to online dating, men usually are focusing in on ONE woman....reason is because after all the emails they've sent out to tons of ladies, he FINALLY got a response and an agreement to date. While said woman is probably seeing a handful of guys, and widdling down the "contestants" in an elimination round. lol If you met her on eHarmony...she probably met someone else. I was doing eHarmony for awhile too. At one point this happened to me...had a great date...then never heard from him again. Until a week later when he told me he met someone else the next night after our date. But I have also been on the other side of the fence. I have gone on a couple of dates with a guy while I was still talking to/meeting others. We had a good time...but once I met someone I REALLY liked...well...you can see where this is going. Thats the one downfall to online dating...you just never know who else/how many other people the person is talking to. You might have put all your energy into her...but she might have been putting her energy into 5 other guys. (Which might explain why she couldn't keep your birthday straight!) Just move on...when it's right...you'll know...and there won't be any games.
Author tlind Posted February 24, 2011 Author Posted February 24, 2011 Right, when it comes to online dating, men usually are focusing in on ONE woman....reason is because after all the emails they've sent out to tons of ladies, he FINALLY got a response and an agreement to date. While said woman is probably seeing a handful of guys, and widdling down the "contestants" in an elimination round. lol I've met other women off of eHarmony and nothing really ever came from it. Attraction on both ends or one end wasn't where it needed to be, and she was the one to message me first, I never sent her an initial message. Plus she's already told me that she isn't dating anyone else. I never asked her this, she felt it necessary to tell me this on her own. I was also in communication and had a date with two other woman before meeting this one. But after meeting her, the others didn't seem to interesting to me anymore. So this situation doesn't fit into this scenario completely.
Author tlind Posted February 24, 2011 Author Posted February 24, 2011 The half hug with the arm around her move is a good one. Just put your arm around her as you are walking down the street or whatever and like half hug her with it. After that you can just leave it there and pull her close. Hand holding can be a jumble really quick. Half hug, arm around her, not so much. Thanks, that actually seems like I could make that work better then the just grab the hand move. I've also thought about grabbing her hand at coffee or dinner and just giving some bs palm reading as an excuse.
ascendotum Posted February 24, 2011 Posted February 24, 2011 she told me that after finding out that I've never kissed a girl that she was considering closing the match, but that I was a really nice and a sweet guy and she liked me, but doesn't know how she feels about me. If this eH girl does not stick around and become your girlfriend, I hope the above proves a lesson for you to keep your mouth shut on being a vigrin & never kissed a girl at your age. I have heard a number of stories over the years from guys commenting on how a great date or blossoming friendship seems to tank after they fess up on being really inexperienced and likewise post date rap ups from women branding inexperienced/LT single guys as losers. At 28 I thought you might have picked up on this by now. but from reading your last few posts its a non issue now. I'm new to dating and don't know the right signals to look for. Well you been out on 5 dates + met her family, so you are doing pretty well with this girl, though it sounds like she is not coy or playing hard to get. There is no doubt now she is interested in you, you must escalate the physical side of things, hand holding, arm around & kissing at least with next few dates, and 2011 is going to be a good year for you.
Author tlind Posted February 24, 2011 Author Posted February 24, 2011 Well you been out on 5 dates + met her family, so you are doing pretty well with this girl, though it sounds like she is not coy or playing hard to get. There is no doubt now she is interested in you, you must escalate the physical side of things, hand holding, arm around & kissing at least with next few dates, and 2011 is going to be a good year for you. Thank you! I will do all this. After kissing her last time, I definately would like to do that again with her. I'm going to step up and be the man next time I see her. It just sucks because my current job has me working out of town for generally most of every two weeks, so I can't see her in person very often.
blackmagik Posted February 24, 2011 Posted February 24, 2011 Sounds like you have a good plan. Don't be nervous about making a move and going for a longer kiss. Don't even pretend like you are doing it for another reason (a la palm reading idea), just do it. Women expect for to make the move, and won't be surprised when it is made. Since the kissing line was already breached that move isn't something that would be surprising to her. I would probably go in for a kiss at the beginning of the date to set the tone for the goodbye portion. A kiss at the beginning signals that you are interested in more kissing later as well as starts the date off right if you do it properly! Good luck, at let us know how things go.
Author tlind Posted February 26, 2011 Author Posted February 26, 2011 Would someone who is serious about finding someone for a relationship, be making plans to go travelling alone for 2 1/2 months during the summertime? Would bringing this up be a good idea seeing as we aren't actually bf/gf? I've met her family and we get along awesome when we're together, but I get the feeling that I want this to work more then she does.
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