setting standards in our relationship....is this ok?

[iheartsuki]

i'm having some issues right now w/ a girl who continues to text my boyfriend and i'm really not sure if it's ok or not. i don't feel like it is, but my boyfriend insists that there is nothing wrong w/ this situation.

 

she is a school teacher and works w/ his mom and has only seen him a few times in person, but texts him at least once a week about some random interest they share. the first time i got upset about her was when she invited him out for drinks, in another (nearby) city with another girlfriend (didn't invite me)....i felt like this was sketchy of her, considering she had only met him twice. bf insisted that she did nothing wrong BUT he did tell her that this and the fact that she communicates so much w/ him made me uncomfortable.

 

now: she still texts/emails him but supposedly "less". when it happens, i get upset and want to know what she's saying and he turns the phone away from me and gets angry....then starts laughing nervously. (happened earlier tonight)

 

i told him i don't want him talking to her. i feel extremely threatened by her and i don't think it's right for her to invite a guy, who is in a relationship and she doesn't know THAT well, out to a bar. i think this is blatantly wrong. i also think it is sketchy of her to continue messaging/emailing/texting him when he specifically told her that it bothers me.

 

i also feel extremely threatened by her b/c she she shares ALL of his major interests (which i share none of) and went to a very prestigious school as my boyfriend does (i had a very, very hard time in school and went to a completely average state school....i also have add which contributes to many of our conflicts) and while all of this is going on.....bf and i fight constantly and he routinely tells me "maybe we're just not right for each other.....maybe we're just trying to fit a square peg into a round hole.....we're probably incompatible....we just want different things...maybe i shouldn't be a boyfriend right now.."...etc. he has even tried to end the relationship a couple of times. and i'm supposed to feel completely ok and confident about this girl - who has everything in common w/ him - talking to him? maybe it's all me and all in MY head, but she still bothers me A LOT.

 

bf has VERY high standards in relationships and has laid it all out there many, many times what he is and is NOT ok with. some of these things seem a little bit strict to me, but i understand if they make him feel uncomfortable, so i adapt my behavior to what he is comfortable with. so what bothers me the VERY MOST is that i DO NOT feel like i'm getting this back. example: men buying drinks in a bar. he is absolutely NOT ok with this or me accepting it. he insists that the guy is hitting on me and i'm sending the message that it's ok...when it shouldn't be b/c i have a bf. now i feel the situation IS reversed -- this girl makes me uncomfortable and i believe she is pursuing him.

 

i just ended up in tears talking to him b/c i don't feel like he is respecting my feelings the same as he expects of his and he insists that i'm only trying to control who he talks to and that she (and he) have done nothing wrong.....so i'm only being irrational. when i compared all of this to his feelings about men buying drinks, all he would say is "i don't know, maybe you shouldn't be with me then. i have very clear ground rules that make me who i am, and if those are yours now, then there's a reason why things don't always work out". later, he came up with a "compromise" -- letting me see everything she writes to him and telling me when she contacts him since she makes me uncomfortable.

 

i am so confused. i don't know if i'm making too much of this, or if i'm right or wrong to put my foot down like this or if she IS in fact crossing the line. i don't know!!!! i don't think i'm wrong, but he has budged VERY little on this and is only getting more angry -- and i don't know if THAT'S acceptable either. i don't know if this "compromise" is good enough. i told him maybe we should change HIS standards, then, to allowing men to buy me drinks from now on, but i'll tell him every time....and he just told me that he "figures i already let them but just haven't told him"....what?!??!! i'm not even sure how to take that (other than be really insulted).

 

someone please help me make sense of this situation....i'm really confused! am i in the wrong?? is he?? i just REALLY don't know!!

[TokyoG33kyGal]

the ideal situation is, we can still make friends with the opposite sex when you are in a relationship. however, some people can have different agendas...like the girl in your story.

 

if your boyfriend set out his dealbreakers and boundaries in the relationship, you should too. don't try the passive-aggressive approach of letting other men buy you drinks just to spite him. learn how to set boundaries and if he continues to step on them, then it's game over.

 

also, you should try to work on your self-esteem issues. i think your boyfriend is having a sick twisted pleasure of seeing you jealous and enjoys the attention he gets too from the other girl.

[You'reasian]

i'm having some issues right now w/ a girl who continues to text my boyfriend and i'm really not sure if it's ok or not. i don't feel like it is, but my boyfriend insists that there is nothing wrong w/ this situation.

 

she is a school teacher and works w/ his mom and has only seen him a few times in person, but texts him at least once a week about some random interest they share. the first time i got upset about her was when she invited him out for drinks, in another (nearby) city with another girlfriend (didn't invite me)....i felt like this was sketchy of her, considering she had only met him twice. bf insisted that she did nothing wrong BUT he did tell her that this and the fact that she communicates so much w/ him made me uncomfortable.

 

now: she still texts/emails him but supposedly "less". when it happens, i get upset and want to know what she's saying and he turns the phone away from me and gets angry....then starts laughing nervously. (happened earlier tonight)

 

i told him i don't want him talking to her. i feel extremely threatened by her and i don't think it's right for her to invite a guy, who is in a relationship and she doesn't know THAT well, out to a bar. i think this is blatantly wrong. i also think it is sketchy of her to continue messaging/emailing/texting him when he specifically told her that it bothers me.

 

i also feel extremely threatened by her b/c she she shares ALL of his major interests (which i share none of) and went to a very prestigious school as my boyfriend does (i had a very, very hard time in school and went to a completely average state school....i also have add which contributes to many of our conflicts) and while all of this is going on.....bf and i fight constantly and he routinely tells me "maybe we're just not right for each other.....maybe we're just trying to fit a square peg into a round hole.....we're probably incompatible....we just want different things...maybe i shouldn't be a boyfriend right now.."...etc. he has even tried to end the relationship a couple of times. and i'm supposed to feel completely ok and confident about this girl - who has everything in common w/ him - talking to him? maybe it's all me and all in MY head, but she still bothers me A LOT.

 

bf has VERY high standards in relationships and has laid it all out there many, many times what he is and is NOT ok with. some of these things seem a little bit strict to me, but i understand if they make him feel uncomfortable, so i adapt my behavior to what he is comfortable with. so what bothers me the VERY MOST is that i DO NOT feel like i'm getting this back. example: men buying drinks in a bar. he is absolutely NOT ok with this or me accepting it. he insists that the guy is hitting on me and i'm sending the message that it's ok...when it shouldn't be b/c i have a bf. now i feel the situation IS reversed -- this girl makes me uncomfortable and i believe she is pursuing him.

 

i just ended up in tears talking to him b/c i don't feel like he is respecting my feelings the same as he expects of his and he insists that i'm only trying to control who he talks to and that she (and he) have done nothing wrong.....so i'm only being irrational. when i compared all of this to his feelings about men buying drinks, all he would say is "i don't know, maybe you shouldn't be with me then. i have very clear ground rules that make me who i am, and if those are yours now, then there's a reason why things don't always work out". later, he came up with a "compromise" -- letting me see everything she writes to him and telling me when she contacts him since she makes me uncomfortable.

 

i am so confused. i don't know if i'm making too much of this, or if i'm right or wrong to put my foot down like this or if she IS in fact crossing the line. i don't know!!!! i don't think i'm wrong, but he has budged VERY little on this and is only getting more angry -- and i don't know if THAT'S acceptable either. i don't know if this "compromise" is good enough. i told him maybe we should change HIS standards, then, to allowing men to buy me drinks from now on, but i'll tell him every time....and he just told me that he "figures i already let them but just haven't told him"....what?!??!! i'm not even sure how to take that (other than be really insulted).

 

someone please help me make sense of this situation....i'm really confused! am i in the wrong?? is he?? i just REALLY don't know!!

 

I don't know your boyfriend, his intent in your relationship etc, so I am basing this only on what you are telling me.

 

This woman is friends with your boyfriends mother, which could mean she is a family friend. What is the history of this woman and your boyfriend? What is the nature of their relationship? Get him talking about it and let him define it. Listen carefully and ask questions if you have doubts.

 

If she is a life long family friend, who shares common interests, then she is probably just a friend and you have nothing to worry about. If she is a recent friend, then I can see how this is threatening, which leads me to the next question:

 

Does this woman have a boyfriend or SO? If so, then its another indicator that points toward friendship, but you need to see how they interact, first hand.

 

He is showing you what she is saying to him, which is an indication that he respects you and may not be hiding anything - another possible indicator that this is just a friendship.

 

If she shares all of his major interests and you don't, thats going to be an uphill battle for you, sorry to be blunt - so you can either get interested or not.

 

A friend hanging out at the bar with a friend, with clear boundary lines is different than meeting someone new at a bar and buying them a drink, but then again this is something for the two of you to decide.

 

Seeing that your boyfriend has laid out his boundaries and relationship standards is a sign of communication, which is a good thing. Strict and high standards can be a good thing - I'm sure in time, it may loosen up.

 

Time for another round of talks.

Edited February 18, 2011 by You'reasian

[PegNosePete]

This story sounds extremely dodgy to me.

 

now: she still texts/emails him but supposedly "less". when it happens, i get upset and want to know what she's saying and he turns the phone away from me and gets angry....then starts laughing nervously. (happened earlier tonight)

BIG red flag. He who has nothing to hide, hides nothing. He should not be keeping secrets from you, especially if he knows it upsets you.

 

bf has VERY high standards in relationships and has laid it all out there many, many times what he is and is NOT ok with.

Another huge red flag. He is a hypocrite.

 

i just ended up in tears talking to him b/c i don't feel like he is respecting my feelings the same as he expects of his and he insists that i'm only trying to control who he talks to and that she (and he) have done nothing wrong.....so i'm only being irrational. when i compared all of this to his feelings about men buying drinks, all he would say is "i don't know, maybe you shouldn't be with me then. i have very clear ground rules that make me who i am, and if those are yours now, then there's a reason why things don't always work out".

Another red flag, he refuses to see it from your point of view. He cannot even acknowledge that he is being hypocritical and has double standards. And the last thing he said, he is admitting that he will not accept the same rules that he lays down for you???

 

later, he came up with a "compromise" -- letting me see everything she writes to him and telling me when she contacts him since she makes me uncomfortable.

Are you seeing them live as they come in, or seeing "edited highlights"??

 

he just told me that he "figures i already let them but just haven't told him"....what?!??!! i'm not even sure how to take that (other than be really insulted).

Another huge red flag. Absolutely it is an insult. He is calling you a cheater. He is automatically assuming that you are lying to him. He is either a misogynist, or someone who is extremely bitter from being cheated on previously.

 

bf and i fight constantly and he routinely tells me "maybe we're just not right for each other.....maybe we're just trying to fit a square peg into a round hole.....we're probably incompatible....we just want different things...maybe i shouldn't be a boyfriend right now.."

To be honest, I'm sorry to say, I am inclined to agree with him. He does sound like a complete hypocritical arsehole. Your requests and suspicion sounds perfectly valid to me, and your judgement is sound. His on the other hand, is not. He has double standards and is using the threat of breakup to manipulate you and get his own way. This is completely unacceptable behaviour.

[iheartsuki]

thanks for the replies....

 

you'reasian - she is QUICKLY becoming a family friend. she is our age (late 20's) but is friends w/ and works w/ his mom. she only started talking to my bf several months ago after meeting him a couple of times (but managed to make it known in one of those meetings that she is good friends w/ a famous basketball player...weird at all??). they live in different towns, but b/c she is "good friends" with his mom, that's supposedly why it's "acceptable" that she talks to him. he INSISTS that she's "only being friendly"..."she's a good friend of my mom, so we talk....she knows me through my mom".

 

he and his mom are both very outgoing people who make friends easily and strongly value friendships.....but it still just seems wrong. she gets his dad and him deals on baseball tickets (she worships the same team he worships....i'm not into sports at all), she showed up at a car show that i decided not to go to w/ him, because i'm just not really into that.....apparently she is. and i learned last night (bf TOLD me...um thanks?) that she is into his all time favorite sport: golf....the list just keeps going.

 

so...she is NOT a long time family friend, but she is friends with his mom -- and NOW...him, his dad, his cousin (goes out for drinks with her), his brother, and just met his grandfather yesterday. all the while, i continue to feel awkward and out of place around his family b/c i'm shy and introverted and they are all outgoing and social and have completely different expectations from what i'm used/was raised with.

 

also...she does NOT have a bf.

 

bf insists that i'm being "paranoid"....maybe i am. maybe i'm feeling insecure about all of those things b/c I'M not outgoing, I'M not into sports, etc....and she is just being nice.....but the fact that she goes out of her way to contact him and does so now, seemingly, through routes she thinks i won't see, just doesn't seem right. bf and i have each others' fb passwords, but not other passwords. she never sends him fb messages anymore and NEVER writes on his wall....she only emails and texts. isn't this a little strange for a casual friendship?

 

pegnosepete - he did admit that it was wrong to turn the phone away and laugh like that (he says me glaring at him is what made him laugh)...and that's what brought him to the "compromise" of showing me everything she says.

 

it just seems to me that if someone outside of the relationship makes one person feel threatened -- either because they possess strengths in the areas that are weak in the relationship or because they are not respecting relationship boundaries (he still insists she's done nothing wrong and inviting him out for drinks does NOT mean she is hitting on him)....then it seems to ME, that you should avoid talking to that person. he absolutely does not see it this way and feels that i'm telling him who he can and can't talk to and "where do you draw the line".

 

[Duckduckgoose]

If your bf is blowing off your feelings about this chick he is disrespecting you bigtime and if you don't nip this is the bud he's just gonna disrespect you way more down the road. FYI.

[iheartsuki]

well.....we just got into a big HUGE gigantic mess again and he has stated...again....that he is absolutely NOT budging on this. he says i'm "controlling the f*ck out of him" and he has already agreed to show me everything she says and everything he says back to her and that she is "just being friendly". he says if she does say or do anything in future that is inappropriate, he will absolutely tell her that it's not ok and either warn her that that's the last time or stop talking to her.

 

i think i either have to accept this compromise or leave him. he won't even talk about it anymore.

 

also, his argument is that if he stops talking to her, like i want, "what happens, then, if she truly is just a nice person who is just being friendly?". he says it goes against who he is as a person and his values about treating people.

 

is it at all possible that i'm asking TOO much of him? when he talks to her less, shows me everything she says, and has vowed to stop talking to her if anything blatantly inappropriate (by his standards, i guess?) comes up, am i asking to much by wanting him to cut her off completely now? she is good friends w/ his mom now, goes out with her from time to time, and works across the hall from her at their school....am i putting him in an unfair position asking him to ignore her completely?

[iheartsuki]

i just picture her fitting into his life and his family so much more easily than i do and it really f*cking hurts.

[Analeigh]

Honestly, it seems like he is using this girl to try and push you away. Essentially, he wants you to break up with him so he is trying to make your relationship get to a breaking point. She sounds like she is pursuing him, if a little indirectly, and he is not stopping it. Add that to what he constantly tells you about you two not being right for each other?

 

I'm sorry. I know it's hard to see and it hurts. But the writing is on the wall that he is just not into your relationship right now, but he knows it will be easier if YOU break up with HIM. Eventually he will start being more and more of an ******* to try and make you hate him.

[PegNosePete]

he says it goes against who he is as a person and his values about treating people.

Yet he is treating you and your feelings like absolute cr@p.

[sally4sara]

i'm having some issues right now w/ a girl who continues to text my boyfriend and i'm really not sure if it's ok or not. i don't feel like it is, but my boyfriend insists that there is nothing wrong w/ this situation.

 

she is a school teacher and works w/ his mom and has only seen him a few times in person, but texts him at least once a week about some random interest they share. the first time i got upset about her was when she invited him out for drinks, in another (nearby) city with another girlfriend (didn't invite me)....i felt like this was sketchy of her, considering she had only met him twice. bf insisted that she did nothing wrong BUT he did tell her that this and the fact that she communicates so much w/ him made me uncomfortable.

 

This makes me think he is keeping you out of the mix intentionally and viewing her attention as an ego stroke he doesn't want to give up. He could have easily said he would come and you'd be with him. She may have even invited you or assumed you'd come too when she invited him. Stop helping him keep you two apart by pinning all the blame on her. Your BF has a hand in this too.

 

now: she still texts/emails him but supposedly "less". when it happens, i get upset and want to know what she's saying and he turns the phone away from me and gets angry....then starts laughing nervously. (happened earlier tonight)

 

i told him i don't want him talking to her. i feel extremely threatened by her and i don't think it's right for her to invite a guy, who is in a relationship and she doesn't know THAT well, out to a bar. i think this is blatantly wrong. i also think it is sketchy of her to continue messaging/emailing/texting him when he specifically told her that it bothers me.

 

i also feel extremely threatened by her b/c she she shares ALL of his major interests (which i share none of) and went to a very prestigious school as my boyfriend does (i had a very, very hard time in school and went to a completely average state school....i also have add which contributes to many of our conflicts) and while all of this is going on.....bf and i fight constantly and he routinely tells me "maybe we're just not right for each other.....maybe we're just trying to fit a square peg into a round hole.....we're probably incompatible....we just want different things...maybe i shouldn't be a boyfriend right now.."...etc. he has even tried to end the relationship a couple of times. and i'm supposed to feel completely ok and confident about this girl - who has everything in common w/ him - talking to him? maybe it's all me and all in MY head, but she still bothers me A LOT.

 

bf has VERY high standards in relationships and has laid it all out there many, many times what he is and is NOT ok with. some of these things seem a little bit strict to me, but i understand if they make him feel uncomfortable, so i adapt my behavior to what he is comfortable with. so what bothers me the VERY MOST is that i DO NOT feel like i'm getting this back. example: men buying drinks in a bar. he is absolutely NOT ok with this or me accepting it. he insists that the guy is hitting on me and i'm sending the message that it's ok...when it shouldn't be b/c i have a bf. now i feel the situation IS reversed -- this girl makes me uncomfortable and i believe she is pursuing him.

 

i just ended up in tears talking to him b/c i don't feel like he is respecting my feelings the same as he expects of his and he insists that i'm only trying to control who he talks to and that she (and he) have done nothing wrong.....so i'm only being irrational. when i compared all of this to his feelings about men buying drinks, all he would say is "i don't know, maybe you shouldn't be with me then. i have very clear ground rules that make me who i am, and if those are yours now, then there's a reason why things don't always work out". later, he came up with a "compromise" -- letting me see everything she writes to him and telling me when she contacts him since she makes me uncomfortable.

 

He sounds like a manipulative ass to me. You try to express your insecurities and feelings and he threatens to end the relationship. Why do you want him? Are you sure he hasn't gotten you twisted around and thinking he is doing you some favor by being with you in the first place?

 

i am so confused. i don't know if i'm making too much of this, or if i'm right or wrong to put my foot down like this or if she IS in fact crossing the line. i don't know!!!! i don't think i'm wrong, but he has budged VERY little on this and is only getting more angry -- and i don't know if THAT'S acceptable either. i don't know if this "compromise" is good enough. i told him maybe we should change HIS standards, then, to allowing men to buy me drinks from now on, but i'll tell him every time....and he just told me that he "figures i already let them but just haven't told him"....what?!??!! i'm not even sure how to take that (other than be really insulted).

 

someone please help me make sense of this situation....i'm really confused! am i in the wrong?? is he?? i just REALLY don't know!!

 

Be real, you won't feel better about this by men buying drinks for you and him accepting it. You want to stop being out of the loop and feeling threatened and he can't/won't give that to you. I ask again - why do you want to be with this guy? If all he wanted was to be friends with this girl and he was serious about his relationship with you, he would be trying to incorporate you into his associations so you wouldn't feel so threatened.

Edited February 21, 2011 by sally4sara

[PeachyPink]

I agree with Pete and Sally. His behavior is hypocritical and immature. It won't change either. Accept his hypocrisy or end the relationship.

[sally4sara]

I agree with Pete and Sally. His behavior is hypocritical and immature. It won't change either. Accept his hypocrisy or end the relationship.

 

Yeah, his offered crumbs "oh you can read our text exchange hurr hurrr" only serves to keep her on the sidelines while he and his whole family chummy up.

A guy worth having would include his SO in this "friendship".

[iheartsuki]

thank you again for the replies...

 

one other detail that may or may not be important is that he did turn her down when she invited him out. at the time, he told me that he felt it "wouldn't have been appropriate" to meet up with her.

 

on the one hand....this leads me to believe that his interests in her are harmless/friendly and that he will not let her cross any lines that HE considers inappropriate. on the other hand, this also leads me to believe that he is more aware than he is admitting. he insists that she has not crossed any inappropriate lines and that inviting her out for drinks does not necessarily mean she's hitting on him....but if he truly believes that, then why didn't he ACCEPT her offer, if it's totally innocent (as he claims)? it still doesn't seem to add up for me.

 

he says that he is already doing more than he feels ok with by showing me the texts (b/c he says he is being controlled) and that it goes against his values to completely ignore someone (as i am asking him to do with her).

 

his family IS extreeeemely outgoing/social/friendly....so maybe i'm misreading all this? also, she contacts him about once a week or once every 2 weeks...i'm told.

 

and one other thing: i was not proposing that i want to go out and accept drinks from other men. i just don't feel that i should continue to be held to standards that he doesn't have to meet....so if the solution isn't for him to meet his own standards for me, then maybe we should both only be expected to meet his standards he has for himself.

 

.....he does not agree that the two situations (men buying drinks/hitting on me vs. this girl inviting him out for drinks and continually texting him) are even comparable and that she has done nothing wrong so far. he absolutely does not agree with my example or my logic or my feelings.

[PegNosePete]

i just don't feel that i should continue to be held to standards that he doesn't have to meet....so if the solution isn't for him to meet his own standards for me, then maybe we should both only be expected to meet his standards he has for himself.

Well, if you don't want to do those things then you have incompatible standards. You should both meet the standards you set for each other. You are (quite rightly) saying that he is disrespecting your relationship by carrying on with this woman, and he is not accepting that. You have a fundamental mis-match of standards. Neither of you should have to compromise. It just seems that you're not suited for each other.

 

he absolutely does not agree with my example or my logic or my feelings.

Yep, as I said above, you two have a mis-match of standards. This cannot be overcome. I think it's time to call it quits with this guy.

[freestyle]

This guy is treating you like garbage.

 

You are NOT overreacting--it's normal to be upset when your partner maintains a friendship with a member of the opposite sex, who invites your partner out of drinks, but excludes you.Being jealous is a NORMAL reaction to a situation like that.

 

This a rational jealousy, not an irrational jealousy.Jealousy is being afraid to lose something/someone you care about. It will be triggered when a threat is present.

 

I went through something similar with my partner a few years ago, when one of his female friends started coming on strong to him, and acting like I didn't exist.

 

I got the same b.s. you're getting. He accused me of being jealous, and insecure.

 

I said, "sure, I'm jealous. That means I care about whether or not I lose you. Would you prefer that I didn't give a d*mn?"

 

That actually made him think, and woke him up.

 

I think a lot of people automatically label jealousy as a bad thing. It's not.A certain amount is healthy in a normal relationship.

 

There are those who use it as an insult, or as a deflection tactic,"You're just jealous........" It's used as a way to turn the tables on a partner, when the other partner is getting involved in an inappropriate relationship with a third party. It gets you to question yourself, so you're not questioning their inappropriate behavior.

 

See how that works--you're busy beating yourself up, questioning yourself, second-guessing yourself---------

 

when you should be questioning him. Making your boundaries crystal clear, and enacting consequences when those boundaries are breached.

 

Your bf is exploiting your insecurities, and trying to make you feel bad about yourself---rather than own up to the fact that his actions are disrespectful to you.

 

Do you really want to be treated like this?