wheelwright Posted February 18, 2011 Posted February 18, 2011 I hear so little comment on love that isn't jaded on this thread. Are you in love? What does that mean to you?
Shocking Pink Posted February 18, 2011 Posted February 18, 2011 I think I am in love, but I'm not sure what to tell you it means to me. I don't have any little meaningful proverbs for it or anything. I just...I've known him for a long time, and always cared about him. I want him to be around me and I think about him all the time. I think he's one of the best men I know. When my brother died, and when my daughter was born, he was there for me. He knows what I have been through and what I had to do to keep going and he gets it. When I read an email from him it always makes me smile the rest of the day. When I stand next to him, that side of my body feels hotter than the other side. It hurts that we cant' be together when it feels like we belong together.
Spark1111 Posted February 18, 2011 Posted February 18, 2011 To me love is an action. It is a verb: to love. There is nothing I would not do to see my children thrive and grow. Same is true for my spouse. There are people who have touched my soul, but they wouldn't work three jobs for me, feed me soup when I am sick, come running when I have a flat on the side of the road. There are people who flatter me, make me feel important, admire my work and words.....but still, I would not ask them to hold the bucket when I have a stomach flu; and they wouldn't offer either, though they may commiserate with me. That's love to me. Taking my elderly mom to the doctor, filling out college loan apps for my children, taking physical and emotional care of those I love. It is self-sacrificing for the betterment of others. It is actions taken on my behalf to keep me safe, loved, whole. Keep your words. Show me your actions.
Spark1111 Posted February 18, 2011 Posted February 18, 2011 PS: And maybe I am jaded, or wordly-wise. I grew up in a pack of brothers and a passle of uncles. I learned "men" at their knees growing up. In lust? Attentive, charming, suave and then forgotten. It was a joke amongst us. In love? Respectful, obsessed, almost reticent. If the woman's faucet was leaking? They were obsessed with how to fix it. Had a flat? Marshalling the forces to go fix it for her. I hope other men weigh in here. A man in love, not limerance? Moves heaven and earth to be with you: To profess, provide and protect. Especially for men, love is an action, IMHO.
woinlove Posted February 18, 2011 Posted February 18, 2011 I hear so little comment on love that isn't jaded on this thread. Are you in love? What does that mean to you? Yes, I'm in love. It means a lot of things to me. Believing in him, his hopes and dreams. Knowing I want to spend the rest of my life with him. Feeling my soul smile with a look from him. When something happens that is funny, sad, worrisome, wonderful - wanting to share it with him. Knowing that he can count on me and I on him. Drifting off to sleep, night after night, year and year, with our own pattern of body entanglement and waking with a snuggle and caress and just feeling blessed to share our lives.
seren Posted February 18, 2011 Posted February 18, 2011 I agree that the words ILY are too often spoken without any real meaning as to what it really means. For me, to say ILY, means that I know you, warts and all, accept them as part of you and love you despite them, in fact some of them can be endearing. I love my son without reservation, there is nothing I wouldn't do or sacrifice for him. I love my husband and am in love with him, not just the idea of him, we have been through some pretty dire times, what with his job, the A, my health, his PTSD, but because we have love, we have survived it all and are in love, still. H has a fear of dying (who hasn't) but he snuggled up one night and said that he didn't fear it so much knowing we would be together for all time. Must admit it was a weird thing to say, but knowing his fears, I understood that he was saying that it gave him comfort to know I would be mouldering along with him!! I don't like the way that ILY is said in rote, as in one says it so the other says me too, or ILY too, or the asking and being told of course I do. As Spark has said, actions not words mean the most. I don't go for the grand gestures or, for instance, the gifts with no thought. I am most touched when H brings back a forget me not, or a bunch of violets he has found when dog walking. H has held my head while I have been sick, rubs my back when I get muscle cramps and indulges my love of dancing in the kitchen. The Ahh feeling when we are cozied up and my world is at peace makes me feel loved. I knew from the first time I saw him, before we had even spoken that we were going to be together - I don't normally get all sentimental about the love at first sight thing, but it hit me like a ton of bricks, once I had got to know him I fell completely in love with him and still am. I am not blind to his faults, nor he mine, but that's what it is really all about, taking the rough with the smooth and realising that we are meant to be.
Spark1111 Posted February 18, 2011 Posted February 18, 2011 Agreed Seren! True love is unconditional. I accept you for all that you are. You accept me for all, good and bad, that I am. We are safe together. We respect each other, both our similiarities and our often profound differences. We never have to pretend to be anything we are not around each other. No facade, no posturing, no impressing one another, no "trying" to be compatible together. I will watch war movies with you. You will let me read my poetry books to you. No criticism. It works.
xxoo Posted February 18, 2011 Posted February 18, 2011 I'm beginning to believe that "in love" is a feeling that doesn't necessarily have anything to do with actual love. The luckiest among us feel in love with our loving partners. Others have loving partners, but don't feel in love. Still others feel in love, but have partners that act in ways that are fundamentally unloving. This can be seen in marriages and affairs alike. What about love? "In love" is not enough, if the actions don't back it up. Actual love, without "in love" feelings, can be enough for a while--but then the couple needs to do the work to rekindle those loving feelings.
Summer Breeze Posted February 18, 2011 Posted February 18, 2011 Like Seren I fell in love at first sight. He had a smile that lit everything up around him. He was respectful and courteous and warm. He held my head when I was sick and he rubbed my back when I had cramps. He sent flowers when he knew I was upset and he was at my side in the hospital when I was ill. He supported me through a huge personal trauma and he never gave up on me. I loved him as he was and he loved me the same. I took warts and all. Unfortunately there came a time when what he was able to give to me wasn't enough and I had to make a horribly difficult decision. I'll never stop loving him though. By the time our relationship had ended I loved him deeply and I was so in love with him I was giddy. I still smile when I think of him and I still wonder 'what if'. I don't know if I could turn him away if he knocked on my door with a serious look to reconciling. I hope he never tests me with that. The words are interchangable between my XH and my XMM. Love is not just actions. Love is in the heart and in the mind. My xH didn't give up alcohol to save our M and my xMM didn't give up his M to be with me. But I know without a shadow of a doubt they loved me. Am I in love now? Yes. In ways I'm still in love with both of them. I love them both for sure.
ladydesigner Posted February 18, 2011 Posted February 18, 2011 Like Seren I fell in love at first sight. He had a smile that lit everything up around him. He was respectful and courteous and warm. He held my head when I was sick and he rubbed my back when I had cramps. He sent flowers when he knew I was upset and he was at my side in the hospital when I was ill. He supported me through a huge personal trauma and he never gave up on me. I loved him as he was and he loved me the same. I took warts and all. Unfortunately there came a time when what he was able to give to me wasn't enough and I had to make a horribly difficult decision. I'll never stop loving him though. By the time our relationship had ended I loved him deeply and I was so in love with him I was giddy. I still smile when I think of him and I still wonder 'what if'. I don't know if I could turn him away if he knocked on my door with a serious look to reconciling. I hope he never tests me with that. The words are interchangable between my XH and my XMM. Love is not just actions. Love is in the heart and in the mind. My xH didn't give up alcohol to save our M and my xMM didn't give up his M to be with me. But I know without a shadow of a doubt they loved me. Am I in love now? Yes. In ways I'm still in love with both of them. I love them both for sure. This was a heartfelt post (((Summer Breeze))) Very tough decisions you had to make.
Summer Breeze Posted February 18, 2011 Posted February 18, 2011 This was a heartfelt post (((Summer Breeze))) Very tough decisions you had to make. Thanks LD. They were tough decisions but I know I made the right ones. ((LD)) right back atya!
ver13 Posted February 18, 2011 Posted February 18, 2011 I hear so little comment on love that isn't jaded on this thread. Are you in love? What does that mean to you? Love is that thing that keeps me coming back to her when I'm not so sure that I need to be there in the first place. It's that feeling that put's me in front of her and my babies against all the ill intentioned thing's in this world. It is that which makes it simple to say that if it were them or me it will always be them. Love is that which brings a sudden rush of emotion that makes my eye's wet when one of them doe's something so simple and yet so profound for the other one that it touch's my soul like making breakfast (Cornflakes for all). Love is looking at my wife when she doesn't know I'm watch her and just wanting to hold her hand because she is.
Author wheelwright Posted February 19, 2011 Author Posted February 19, 2011 Like Seren I fell in love at first sight. He had a smile that lit everything up around him. He was respectful and courteous and warm. He held my head when I was sick and he rubbed my back when I had cramps. He sent flowers when he knew I was upset and he was at my side in the hospital when I was ill. He supported me through a huge personal trauma and he never gave up on me. I loved him as he was and he loved me the same. I took warts and all. Unfortunately there came a time when what he was able to give to me wasn't enough and I had to make a horribly difficult decision. I'll never stop loving him though. By the time our relationship had ended I loved him deeply and I was so in love with him I was giddy. I still smile when I think of him and I still wonder 'what if'. I don't know if I could turn him away if he knocked on my door with a serious look to reconciling. I hope he never tests me with that. The words are interchangable between my XH and my XMM. Love is not just actions. Love is in the heart and in the mind. My xH didn't give up alcohol to save our M and my xMM didn't give up his M to be with me. But I know without a shadow of a doubt they loved me. Am I in love now? Yes. In ways I'm still in love with both of them. I love them both for sure. Thanks for the replies here. I never really tire of hearing about how people love. And here it has been written beautifully - thanks Spark and Seren and Lady D. And others too. I liked Summer Breeze's post because it accounted for love by actions as well as love which doesn't get the chance to ride it out in that way. I also believe both are forms of love. I am struck by a couple of things. Nobody mentioned passion. Someone mentioned unconditionality. And someone feels their love despite not being 'chosen' and remains apparently sane. There is a lot about said 'actions' of love which speak to me of caring. This to me is a form of love, but not what I would define as a connected intimate love necessarily (but of course may be too). It comes to mind that there may be a tension between 'love' and 'caring love'. And I would like to reiterate my belief that limerance, which I see as just another word for infatuation, is not the love people speak of when they are in love but haven't spent years in caring mode. I understand why people say that acceptance is part of love.
seren Posted February 19, 2011 Posted February 19, 2011 WW, I have always, despite being with H for such a long time, expected, wanted and needed the passion and connected type of love. I am often told that this is not possible to maintain after such a time together, but I also believe that it is possible. I suppose that part of the hurt of an A is that very often one will be hankering after all that and on finding out that the other may have had the early days lusting, limerance or whatever is a kick in the a***. I also think that the time afterwards sees a resufacing of the early days passion, if we are lucky, we manage to keep that and vow never to lose it all all costs. The love with caring is hard, especially if the care has to be for illness. I think that staying through it all is a sign of deep love. I have a friend with MS, her husband has taken on some of the more intimate aspects of her care, he wouldn't have anyone else do it, he does it for love, but she hates this as she still wants to be seen as a sexy, vibrant woman, which she is, but I can understand both their views. The tweety birds and butteflies love is fantastic, but to sustain that over a long time would be bloody wearing, but lovely. I would say that for me it is all about balance, I look at H and know that I love him, he still makes my heart sing. People say that when we are in a group we still search each other out and have a sort of secret code where we commincate by gestures and looks. I am not aware we do this, but I do know that smile, that look and that gesture from him so well. But at times he makes me mad as hell, and I he. Love has to have acceptance of faults and allows for the other to be crabby, have a bad day and to make mistakes. I also believe in the concept of there only being just one person that you (general) truly give your heart to, I cannot imagine letting anyone into the recesses of my heart in the same way I have allowed H. I also at times have wished not to love so much, it has seen me compromise what I held to be true, compromise my values and tested my sanity. But because I love so much I cannot imagine my world without H in it. Dammed hard stuff this love business, but wouldn't be without it, ever.
Author wheelwright Posted February 19, 2011 Author Posted February 19, 2011 (edited) WW, I have always, despite being with H for such a long time, expected, wanted and needed the passion and connected type of love. I am often told that this is not possible to maintain after such a time together, but I also believe that it is possible. I suppose that part of the hurt of an A is that very often one will be hankering after all that and on finding out that the other may have had the early days lusting, limerance or whatever is a kick in the a***. I also think that the time afterwards sees a resufacing of the early days passion, if we are lucky, we manage to keep that and vow never to lose it all all costs. The love with caring is hard, especially if the care has to be for illness. I think that staying through it all is a sign of deep love. I have a friend with MS, her husband has taken on some of the more intimate aspects of her care, he wouldn't have anyone else do it, he does it for love, but she hates this as she still wants to be seen as a sexy, vibrant woman, which she is, but I can understand both their views. The tweety birds and butteflies love is fantastic, but to sustain that over a long time would be bloody wearing, but lovely. I would say that for me it is all about balance, I look at H and know that I love him, he still makes my heart sing. People say that when we are in a group we still search each other out and have a sort of secret code where we commincate by gestures and looks. I am not aware we do this, but I do know that smile, that look and that gesture from him so well. But at times he makes me mad as hell, and I he. Love has to have acceptance of faults and allows for the other to be crabby, have a bad day and to make mistakes. I also believe in the concept of there only being just one person that you (general) truly give your heart to, I cannot imagine letting anyone into the recesses of my heart in the same way I have allowed H. I also at times have wished not to love so much, it has seen me compromise what I held to be true, compromise my values and tested my sanity. But because I love so much I cannot imagine my world without H in it. Dammed hard stuff this love business, but wouldn't be without it, ever. 'He still makes my heart sing' You are very lucky! And I think you have phrased in poetic language the essence. And the word 'still' makes it a very special form of love. Long term. I think this is why I don't buy the actions version. Because the heart must sing also for it to be love. I'm glad I started this thread now. This has made me feel quite romantic! I bolded the other bits because they made me laugh. And they are true! Edited February 19, 2011 by wheelwright
SoMovinOn Posted February 19, 2011 Posted February 19, 2011 Madly in love with mOW for a lifetime. What does that mean to me? Doesn't matter. It is what it is. If I could explain it, it wouldn't be love. If you want to know if he loves you so, it's in his kiss (that's where it is)
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