annisha Posted February 18, 2011 Posted February 18, 2011 Hey there Ive decided to start a little journal for myself on here where i can rant and rave, reflect and hopefully get others opinions about the situation. And maybe someone else in my situation can come along for the ride, and hopefully heal together...who knows. Anyway i have a few threads on this particular topic. Gf mother has parkinsons, parkinsons has progressivly become worse, gf looks after Mom and has to also hold down part time job. I remain patient,used to spend 4 to 5 hours online together every day...contact now down to a base minimum, i understand. This is where things started to get messy. 5 days without any contact from GF, i sent supportive msgs, still dont hear from her. By the 6th day a friend of hers contacts me and tells me shes heard from her. I feel insulted, betrayed, angry, she knew i was worried about her..so i stupidly did the whole voicemail thing and let emotion rule logic. Called her a bitch over VM ect. She finally contacts me that day, says sorry. 3 days later contacts again and sez omg i just listended to your VMs. Yep shes been so busy hadnt had time to listen to them. Shes shocked, hurt, angry. Still says she loves me. Anyway the monday just gone, i finally ring her and ask what we should do from here. I actaully forced the issue coz i had to get ready to jump on plane to go to qld for hols. She said best to end it. I had to hang up but said goodybe. Get to my hols destination ,my friend has internet. So i said contacted her and we agreed to talk. She told me that she =still loves me but after what i said to her over VM she cant get it out of her head, as much as shes tried to. I cant blame her tbh. I explained to her how worried i had been, it wouldnt have taken her 5 secs to send me a text and say shes alright, after the 5th day i was completely stressed and felt insulted that she chose to contact friend over me. I had been there for her, patient, said she could come to me whenever she needed to chill or rant or rave, or confide. Anyway that one huge mistake i made she cant get over. I told her how soerry i ma and then i accept your decision, that i cant take back what i did. Anyway she did say to me let me think about it for a few days and we will talk when i get back home from my hols. So i said yes, i told her i wouldnt contact her ect.She said she felt numb atm...what the hell does that mean?? ANyway this first day of NC. I came online and she was online, i didnt say anything to her and she didnt either. What annoys me is that for 2 weeks she couldnt come online to chat with me coz she was so busy. Now since ive been away shes always online and that does make me angry. It does hurt. So i get angry but dont mention it to her. It was horrible not speaking to her when she was online this morning, it truly got to me. First time ever not speaking to each other. I feel like she must really hate me, i really do. Dam mbefore all this happened we were sooooo good to each other, everything was perfect no life situatons got in the way and i let my emotions get the better of me. We live, we learn. OMG i hate this, i love her so much and i know she does to but i tink she is hurting atm coz of my reaction. She did say to me shes scared of starting something up again just in case i turn on her again. I wish she could see it from my POV, how worried i was ect. But she said to me that she would never speak to her gf like that. ARRRRRRRRGHHHHH, i dont kow whether to have this chat to her after awhile, make the initiviate to do that or whethe ri should wait for her to initiate it. Or should i just move on and tell myself its over. I just know i wouldnt do that again. The last thing i said to her is "ill give you your space now, you contact me if you want and i will reply, im truly sorry for the way i was and ill be here if you need me" so i left the door open for a reconcilliation. So shuld i just move on, iniate contact when i get back home or just wait for her to do that?
Author annisha Posted February 19, 2011 Author Posted February 19, 2011 NC day 2. Just woke up and saw my ex is online again!!!!!! DAMMIT DAMMIT DAMMIT....It is causing me soooooo much bloody pain. Why when i was at home and not on hols wasnt she online????? Its a bloody miracle to me that her mother has miraculously become better when i go on bloody holidays....i feel soooooooo frikking hurt, betrayed, angry ect ect ect I just want to delete her from everything in my life, EVERYTHING!!!!!!!!!!! But its sooooo frikking hard. She said give me a few days to think about it...im doing that but god i wanna let her know that i know she is online all the time now...but i am forcing myself to not to talk to her....arggggggghhhhh i hate this, i really do.....i dont know what to do...i just want to forget her.....when i saw she was online when i woke up i literally burst out crying. I havent had a cry since she said she thinks its best to have a break...but god my tears came flooding out like a voilent cascade of water. Oh this hurts...i just wanna hurt her back, i wish i knew how she felt, i just wish i knew. Its almost like she doesnt give a ****. Btw i hid myself today so she didnt know i was online doing my thing. I hated it yesterday when she completely ignored me. How can she ignore me?? I made one bloody MISTAKE....and i think my mistake was ridiculous but she had me worried with insanity. You dont reply to someone for 5 days, you get worried. She is soooo different now..so bloody different...arggghhhh...please someone talk to me, give me your opinion. I know im a fool but i dont deserve this treatment. I really dont.
Author annisha Posted February 21, 2011 Author Posted February 21, 2011 Well i went NC for 4 to 5 days but i stuffed up. I noticed that she had deleted me on FB so i contacted her immediatly and asked why. She said because she didnt want to know that i had been on a date. I did write something in a status update but i ddint say it was a date, she just assumed it. Anyway we have finally broken up for real now. Its been a waiting game for me for about 3 weeks and she finaly told me she doesnt love me anymore. She fell out of love with me gradually because of something i had done. I made a huge mistake with her but if you read my backposts you will understand why. Anyway im really really hurting and im just so down, i feel a huge emptiness within me and i just want to contact her. But i know i cant now. Its going to be so hard. Anyway she added me back on FB coz i asked her. Oh God how am i gonna get thru this pain grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr
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