Is NC the right thing to do?

[Layzie89]

My ex gf ended things with me about 2 months ago, tomorrow will mark my 3rd week of unannounced NC with her.

 

NC has helped tremendously but theres constantly this little thought in my head wondering if NC is the right thing to do...I only ask this because I know my ex too well. I know she is stubborn. I know she is full of pride. What if she's waiting for me to contact her? Maybe she has too much pride herself to be the one to initiate contact...so shes waiting for me to do it instead.

 

I keep thinking that maybe shes just waiting for me to actually FIGHT to get her back. A bit of chivalry maybe?

 

Does anyone else feel like this? In need of a bit of reassurance...

[wmrjw82]

I feel this way exactly and was hoping I wasn't the only one. I, myself, am coming up on 3 weeks and like you... my ex is VERY prideful. She actually did make contact w/ me last Wednesday in regards to a custody battle i'm going thru (saying she was praying for me and wondered what happened)... I never responded. I didn't respond because the 2 txt she sent me had nothing in regards to how i was doing or missing me etc. She hasn't sent me anything since.

 

I can't help but think I missed the boat, but also, the WAY she dumped me (over facebook and 3 weeks before my custody hearing) was pretty low. Also, she said some cold things. The last thing I want to do is come off w/ a "f you" attitude towards her but I dont want to set myself up for this to happen again.

 

I guess in the back of my mind I keep telling myself that if she really loves me she'll make more of an effort to come back. I dont see it happening though.

[seibert253]

If she loves you, she will overcome the stubborness and contact you.

But, if she hasn't done it in 3 weeks, it's unlikely she will

 

Best way to get over girl A, is girl B.

[Layzie89]

It's been about 2 months since the breakup, and 24 days NC.

 

I woke up this morning by a text from her...all it said was 'How are you?'

Crumbs, I know...I haven't responded and I don't plan on responding at all. It does feel good though to know that she's actually thinking of me. I feel like I'm a little more in control now, like I have the power, I guess?

 

True story..really really strange. I'm not really a religious guy but only because my mom is Buddhist and my Dad is Catholic. I haven't decided on what religion I believe in. But last night was a really rough night for me..I got in bed at 1 AM and didn't sleep until 6 AM all the while thinking about her...going outside for a smoke thinking about her more...the thoughts were overwhelming. Good thoughts, bad thoughts, thoughts of us breaking up, thoughts of us getting back together...I then began to pray. Pray for happiness, pray that she was thinking about me, pray that she would at least text me or call me soon. Pray to who? I don't know..I just prayed to whoever was out there...and in the morning I got the text.

 

It seems almost unreal..I find myself looking at the text just to make sure it's still there. I know it sounds crazy but I'm beginning to wonder if she actually DID send the text, or did some diety put the text in my phone just to answer my prayer...i'm making myself laugh.

 

It feels good.

[Mixed28]

It's been about 2 months since the breakup, and 24 days NC.

 

I woke up this morning by a text from her...all it said was 'How are you?'

Crumbs, I know...I haven't responded and I don't plan on responding at all. It does feel good though to know that she's actually thinking of me. I feel like I'm a little more in control now, like I have the power, I guess?

 

True story..really really strange. I'm not really a religious guy but only because my mom is Buddhist and my Dad is Catholic. I haven't decided on what religion I believe in. But last night was a really rough night for me..I got in bed at 1 AM and didn't sleep until 6 AM all the while thinking about her...going outside for a smoke thinking about her more...the thoughts were overwhelming. Good thoughts, bad thoughts, thoughts of us breaking up, thoughts of us getting back together...I then began to pray. Pray for happiness, pray that she was thinking about me, pray that she would at least text me or call me soon. Pray to who? I don't know..I just prayed to whoever was out there...and in the morning I got the text.

 

It seems almost unreal..I find myself looking at the text just to make sure it's still there. I know it sounds crazy but I'm beginning to wonder if she actually DID send the text, or did some diety put the text in my phone just to answer my prayer...i'm making myself laugh.

 

It feels good.

 

What did it say?

[Layzie89]

All it said was 'How are you?'

[Rose T]

You know it's funny, I really tried hard to keep NC straight after my break-up at the start of December, more for my own sanity. By the New Year, I was sure he had moved on and that the NC was just helping me move on. Then he got in touch and I realised how powerful my lack of contact had been... his new fling was all over the place, he was missing me...

 

Now, we're not back together for lots of reasons but I did find out that while NC seems counter-intuitive it does nail home your good qualities, if you really didn't do too much wrong in the relationship. It's the hardest thing but fighting for a relationship can actually involve apparently walking away. Doesn't mean you'll get them back, but does help you keep your dignity and restore the old power balance which existed when your relationship was normal and at its best.

 

p.s. It's wierd, you were saying you were thinking and praying about your ex and they got in touch - last weekend I was obssessing a bit, feeling sure he was thinking about me and he wrote me a random email the same night. I think that however a break-up occurred, there's a lot of "missing" on both sides for a few months after and sometimes we're in the same cycles of missing and wondering as our dumpers. It might not be much consolation but they're often going through as many confusion emotions as we are (although they obviously deserve to suffer more, lol!!)

Edited February 21, 2011 by Rose T

[Miss_G]

I am thinking if NC is right for me too. My ex and I split up 6 months ago but never lost contact (we have a child) and have even dated.

Two weeks ago he decided he didn't want to get back together but would like to stay friends. He stay he loved me 'so much' and cared deeply for me but at this moment didn't want to date anyone at all.

We have been haning out as a family because of custody problems with his parents (I won't go into that) so to see baby, ex and I have been going out so parents can't stick the boot in. We went as friends. Ex at first seemed uninterested and unattracted to me, still friendly though.

He's now, two days ago, said that he's still IN LOVE with me but that sometimes when I'm needy and grumpy I remind him why we aren't together. He's been sexy-flirting which I asked him not to do unless we were aiming to work our relationship out. He continued and when I confronted him he said that he still wanted to be friends. I simply told him he'd hurt me leading me on and he went quiet. He told me two days before this that he 'doesn't know what he wants and he's hurting'

I'm wondering whether NC will push him away or draw him in. These outings have certainly brought him closer but can't decide if he's just a bit 'randy' or breaking and warming to me again.

[Country_Girl]

I'm not sure if it's the NC or lack of NC that really makes them miss you. Me and my ex were pretty much NC for a month (maybe 2 emails, but no texts or calls). It wasn't until the following month that we talked on the phone 4 times over a period of 2 weeks that he admitted that all this talking was reminding him of the good times and the bad times were disapearing.

 

Only reason why we are NC now is because he has a porn/masterbation addiction that he says will relapse him if we keep talking. He thinks he'll make an ass out of himself if we continue with contact, but he was willing to stay with contact- however I told him it's best we don't talk for now because I don't want to be resposible in halting his progress.

 

Based on what he said, and my experiances in the past- I think light contact can be benificial if by phone and initiated by the dumper, not the dumpee. If an ex is calling I would take it as a good sign, they miss your voice, they miss that contact.

 

I do think contact by email/text is pointless and perhaps a crumb. They don't have the balls to call you, to face you, and they can choose to accept or reject the words you say- by the simple hit of the delete button. Those who contact that way can erase your messages, just like they earased you from their life.

 

I think everyone is different, not everyone will conform to the same mold- and it't up to you to decide what is best.

 

Sorry for any grammar errors, typing this on my phone.

[Layzie89]

Thanks for your replies everyone. 24 days NC and then texted me 'how are you?'...I feel like the proper thing to do is text her back saying 'I've been good, thanks'. I keep thinking what if she never contacts me again? Am i missing my only shot at possible reconciliation? Another side is telling me I've come this far with NC and I shouldn't break it just bc shes asking how im doing..this could be crumbs and it may set me back to square one of healing...

 

I dont know what to do...do i take the risk or just keep NC while I wait for something more out of her..?

[paiger]

Thanks for your replies everyone. 24 days NC and then texted me 'how are you?'...I feel like the proper thing to do is text her back saying 'I've been good, thanks'. I keep thinking what if she never contacts me again? Am i missing my only shot at possible reconciliation? Another side is telling me I've come this far with NC and I shouldn't break it just bc shes asking how im doing..this could be crumbs and it may set me back to square one of healing...

 

I dont know what to do...do i take the risk or just keep NC while I wait for something more out of her..?

 

 

Hopefully my situation sheds a bit of light on yours. I decided to do no contact with my ex for about 3 weeks.. Painful. But it really made me see things and understand why we didn't work out. It still sucks, and at the back of my mind I do truly miss him, but I've accepted his part in my life has ended, and life doesn't stop for anyone. It always goes on. However I decided to break no contact and remain friends. Our contact is really low.. But I couldn't see myself shutting him out of my life, nor me disappearing from his because i know him extremely well, and I know if I didn't remind him I was there, he would forget about me.

I do have a tiny seed of hope that in the future we will be back together again, but there IS ALWAYS a reason why people break up, and thats because something in the relationship has gone wrong. You HAVE to seriously consciously accept that in order to move anywhere forward. So in my case, Of course I hope one day something happens between us again, but for now i'll let him go... Hate to sound cheesy but what's meant to be WILL eventually find it's way.

 

BUT ANYWAYS back to the point haha. Firstly, ask yourself: what will YOU honestly get out of talking to her again? If a girl wants you, I'm almost sure you yourself know nothing will stop her from getting it. Everyone here will tell you no contact is the right thing to do; which it is, to a certain extent. But it's also not for everyone.. like you said, your ex is stubborn am I right? So she may want you to give her a call. Is it worth the risk? That depends. Do you love her that much to risk being shut down and sent to square one all over again?

 

Hope you find clarity my friend.

[Layzie89]

I appreciate your input paiger, well received. I accept the breakup but in my case I don't think I can ever be just friends with her. It'd be too painful to put myself through that bc I know I'll only be harboring hope that one day we might be able to get back together.

 

I do love her but I don't think I can risk starting from square one again...like you said, if she really wanted to get back together, nothing will stop her from doing so. With that in mind I think I'll stick to NC and see how it pans out...all the while focusing on myself first and foremost.

 

Thanks again.

[Layzie89]

1 month of NC today and I'm feeling alot better to be honest. I still think of her every night when I get in bed, and think about her first thing when I wake up. Although the thoughts come frequent...they are much more brief these days. They come and they go...

 

One of my close friends texted me a picture she apparently put up on her facebook (I deactivated mine for my own sake) She's all dressed up nice standing next to another guy dressed up in a purple button down with purple shoes and a bow tie lol. I have a feeling this is her new bf, or soon to be. Surprisingly, I wasn't as hurt as I thought I'd be seeing the picture. It could be that this clown is such a downgrade from me...but I also feel like this month of NC has helped tremendously and I'm finally starting to get over her, for real.

 

We were dating for a year and a half, in love....and to see that she's already seeing another guy not even 2 months after our breakup is more funny to me than painful. My guts telling me she's rushing into this new relationship and this kids only setting himself up for heartbreak. We were such a big part of each others lives...she always called me her 'home' no matter what...

 

just felt like ranting a bit. point is, i saw a pic of her and another guy and it didn't affect me all that much. I did however tell my friend I don't want to see any other picutres or hear anything else of her

[2011]

I went into NC but went on MSN one night she was on and started talking to me, instead of cutting it short I went on and on and she started pulling back because I was still needy/clingy and haven't heard from her since, that was over a month ago and I haven't attempted to contact her so she must have been just throwing crumbs and I took the bait and got hurt all over again.

 

Stay NC, if your ex does want back with you then they will contact you, nothing stands in the way if they really have feelings for you, my ex is also very stubborn but when we were going out at the honeymoon stage she would always contact me to meet up and stuff so if they are not doing it now they never likely will.

 

2011