monkeynuts Posted February 18, 2011 Posted February 18, 2011 something clicked today been doing NC for two days now. though something clicked....I had trust issues shall we say, and the last time I spoke to my ex gf she asked why did I loose trust in her. and talking about it today to one of my family members it clicked that almost in the very beginning of our relationship something happened which made me doubt the trust and from then on it was downhill. looking back I realise now that she lied to me alot, yet for some stupid reason I didnt walk away?!? why I dont know (any input would be kool on this) the fact she lied from the beginning really struck a nerve with me. I thought she was geuine but obviously not. its made me look at her in a completely different view. a few days ago when we last spoke on the phone she asked why did I loose trust and check up on her towards the end....I said because you were someone special and I was worried about losing you.....BUT the fact is it wasnt that, it was because I knew she had lied to me and I knew she would lie to me again. the NC has helped me in many ways already-I wish I followed the rules of NC a few weeks ago. yeah things might of worked out differently and she might of wanted me back...but finally LEARNING about why I acted the way I did (because she lied) has made me realise I wasnt trusly happy and our relationship was never going to work. if she tried coming back now I would NOT GET BACK WITH HER...a small part of me might want to but I just cant now. Im on here venting because as I said today I took a long hard look at myself- tried to figure out what went wrong so I could learn from this experience, what Ive learnt is that the warning signs were there almost from day one but I didnt pay any notice to them. I knew she was lieing to me about stuff yet it seems I was either in denial or just ingored it. Im not sure why I acted this way, I have thought its maybe because Iam insecure in the way I seem to get very attached, and I worry I will never find anyone as good as this person Im with EVER again. I look back and yes have fond memories but they all seem kind of fake now as I think she openly lied to my face yet so say loved me and wanted to marry me and get a house one day. I feel a complete fool for letting myself get sucked into her game. I know they say you come out of break ups as stronger individuals but to do that you have to understand what went wrong and learn from it. I went on facebook earlier and she had already been unfriended but I blocked her to avoid temptation. I went on my msn to delete and block her and to my horror she had uploaded a pic on to her msn about early evening of her half naked on her bed. I felt sad and pissed off and it that moment it comfirmed to me jsut what type of person she is. To have moved to the stage of that...where she is flaunting herself already and we have only been NC for two days makes me feel sick inside. Feels like she could never of truly loved me. Is it normal to look back and wish I had a time machine....as I feel its 5 months of my life I will never get back...the happy memories seem like they are there but ontop of lies. I miss her....or I think I do but when I think of the fact I didnt do anything wrong....that I lost trust in her because I KNEW she was lieing to me. it makes me feel gutted that this was all down to her. I really hope she doesnt try to contact me, I never want to speak to her again. she lives almost 2 hours away so theres no chance of bumping into her. Its also became clear that she seems to jump from guy to guy fairly quickly. Im pissed of at myself for being such a fool. For not walking away the first time I found something. I let her talk me around and I look back and think why.I would of went to the ends of the earth for this girl and have been devastated the last few weeks as she has been dangling me by a bit of string. she was obviously playing me and didnt care about my feelings....and I was very very upset yet today it clicked.....she was the liar not me, shes the one who told lies to my face, she obviously wasnt true about her feelings, and i know now after seeing that picture tonight she is already talking to other guys. I know my feelings are/were real. I do love this girl but I ask myself why? i even question whether I do really love her now. as the amount of effort and love I put into us it feels like i never got it back. it was all take take take from her end and she hardly ever gave. i cant look at her in the same way ever again, is this normal? i would say I resent her for the way she has treated me, and the fact she told lies through our relationship really ticks me off. no wonder I didnt trust her, no wonder I question her and looked on her facebook- because I knew she was hiding stuff. Ive been trying to figure out why I stayed with her and i really dont know. guess Im on here to vent and just find out if anyone else has been through something similar and can possibly tell me just what it is Im thinking, im kind of confused,part of me misses her and a new part thinks im glad its over because now I understand why I acted the way I did. cheers all
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