newb Posted February 17, 2011 Posted February 17, 2011 Here is my situation: I'm 21, I've never had a serious boyfriend, and have never had sexual intercourse, except a year ago when I was raped. I have given/recieved oral sex a few times. Since the rape, I have had much more anxiety about sex and anything with guys, but at this point I want to put it behind me and move on. I think if it hadn't happened I probably would have had sex (lost my [consensual] "virginity") by now. But anyways, I have not...but I am totally ready once I find a guy who I can trust enough to let my guard down for. I recently met a guy who is 29 and we have gone on 2 dates. For the sake of this post I'll call him Jim. I don't want to tell him about the rape just yet because I think it would scare him away--not because of any character judgements of him, but because it has happened to me with a guy in the past (once I told him about it, he no longer wanted to date me). It's really personal and it would be TMI too soon. If Jim and I end up in a relationship, I definately want to be having sex. But I won't do it unless I have that trust that he won't run away from me after I tell him about the rape--and I feel that is necessary in order to feel like we are on the same page and he understands where I'm coming from. It is a big deal to me, especially given what happened. Jim is very experienced in dating and I am anything but, but he doesn't know that. I am an attractive, confident women and easily give off the impression that I might be moderately experienced in dating (that is, guys have been surprised to learn that I was a virgin, given my age). I certainly don't give off a slutty or easy impression. My questions are these --in the more 'mature' dating world (post-college)--is it normal or typical to sleep at his place without him expecting sex? I'm not worried about being pressured by Jim, but I'd like to avoid an uncomfortable situation. --if I tell him that I won't have "sex" unless I'm in a relationship, will he assume that includes oral? I would have oral sex, but I feel kind of foolish for making such a big distinction between oral and intercourse. Would it be typical for a guy to think it's stupid to hold off intercourse but be willing to have oral sex? --After what # date is it "typical" to spend the night with him? (with or without sex) I'm just so inexperienced and want to have a better understanding of mature dating norms so I understand what I'm getting myself into. I want to move on from the rape and have a normal sex life, but I feel like since sex with Jim would be a "first" for me (consensual, that is), I need to explain where I'm coming from so he can be sensitive to that. Can I please have some advice??? I'd really appreciate it. Thanks so much. Sally
zengirl Posted February 18, 2011 Posted February 18, 2011 I think if it were me, I'd tell a guy something like that (the rape) before sleeping with him. But not in the first few dates. Somewhere in there, where it felt natural. I don't have sex outside of relationships, and I just tell guys that. To me, that includes oral. So, my rules wouldn't work for you either. I usually stay over a guy's house/him over mine before sex, but not WAY before. . . i.e. once we've gotten to that stage, sex isn't far behind, nor is a relationship if it hasn't already started. I do tend to 'lead' in my relationships. I find most men will go as fast or slow as I pace them; if a guy likes you, you control the pace, generally. I don't do anything too heavy when I stay over pre-sex. Snuggling is okay. Heavy petting is not. Nor are clothes coming off. If my clothes start coming off, to me, that's a green light for sex. Again, these are MY rules. Not for anyone else, really. Just some thoughts. Really, I think you should relax and maybe see how things play out with Jim on a few more dates. As you get to know him, I hope this will get easier. I'm not sure if any of this rambling helps, as every situation is different and there's no easy answers to yours. Set your own boundaries, is my best advice.
SincereOnlineGuy Posted February 18, 2011 Posted February 18, 2011 Here is my situation: I'm 21, I've never had a serious boyfriend, and have never had sexual intercourse, except a year ago when I was raped. I have given/recieved oral sex a few times. Since the rape, I have had much more anxiety about sex and anything with guys, but at this point I want to put it behind me and move on. I think if it hadn't happened I probably would have had sex (lost my [consensual] "virginity") by now. But anyways, I have not...but I am totally ready once I find a guy who I can trust enough to let my guard down for. I recently met a guy who is 29 and we have gone on 2 dates. For the sake of this post I'll call him Jim. I don't want to tell him about the rape just yet because I think it would scare him away--not because of any character judgements of him, but because it has happened to me with a guy in the past (once I told him about it, he no longer wanted to date me). It's really personal and it would be TMI too soon. If Jim and I end up in a relationship, I definately want to be having sex. But I won't do it unless I have that trust that he won't run away from me after I tell him about the rape--and I feel that is necessary in order to feel like we are on the same page and he understands where I'm coming from. It is a big deal to me, especially given what happened. Jim is very experienced in dating and I am anything but, but he doesn't know that. I am an attractive, confident women and easily give off the impression that I might be moderately experienced in dating (that is, guys have been surprised to learn that I was a virgin, given my age). I certainly don't give off a slutty or easy impression. My questions are these --in the more 'mature' dating world (post-college)--is it normal or typical to sleep at his place without him expecting sex? I'm not worried about being pressured by Jim, but I'd like to avoid an uncomfortable situation. --if I tell him that I won't have "sex" unless I'm in a relationship, will he assume that includes oral? I would have oral sex, but I feel kind of foolish for making such a big distinction between oral and intercourse. Would it be typical for a guy to think it's stupid to hold off intercourse but be willing to have oral sex? --After what # date is it "typical" to spend the night with him? (with or without sex) I'm just so inexperienced and want to have a better understanding of mature dating norms so I understand what I'm getting myself into. I want to move on from the rape and have a normal sex life, but I feel like since sex with Jim would be a "first" for me (consensual, that is), I need to explain where I'm coming from so he can be sensitive to that. Can I please have some advice??? I'd really appreciate it. Thanks so much. Sally You sound so sincere! Addressing your questions first: Lets pretend that if you sleep at his place, he will likely 'expect' sex. (you are certainly under no obligation, but, say, lets look at it another way... IF YOU invited him to stay the night at your place, it would certainly be "more mature" of you to have purchased condoms based on the possibility that sexual intercourse takes place there. So, for just reversing the roles/host, I think it is more near to 'fair' to expect that he will expect sex. (NOT 'demand') ) I think you need to include 'oral' in your general declaration... for regardless of the specifics, you want to be CLEAR to the greatest extent possible. It is up to you as to where you want to draw the line. I will stop short of envisioning him finding it "stupid". You decide what YOU want... and he'll likely be fine with that... but of COURSE he is allowed to draw a line of his own, and if he does, you aren't allowed to LEAP to the conclusion that your butt is too big, or that your butt doesn't look good in those jeans, etc. Lets say that (after) the 3rd or 4th date might be "typical" for an overnight... (and we need to use the term "typical" very loosely, to acknowledge many others with an opinion) (deep breath) Now... wow... you certainly do have a number of residual concerns to address which are each very fair in the aftermath of something so personal and traumatic.. I WANT to live in a world where the "you's" in that role boldly fess-up with honesty and clarity before any sexual activity, and I WANT that to take place in my world so that I can *know* that you are being considered and cared about in fully compassionate form. Yet I can also imagine perhaps not (thinking you want to be regarded any differently) by a first consensual partner. Yet I still WANT to live in a world where if one were a virgin, she would always tell the partner and get the appropriate 'appreciation'. (deeper breath) I also wish I could know whether you yourself have had any past sexual abuses or significant childhood trauma which might have had a hand in setting you up to have been targeted by the predator a year ago. I sense that the outlook of someone who reached age 20 or so without having been victimized in any way, and who then (with an adult mind) had to, for the first time, adjust emotionally to having been so wronged... may be considerably different from the outlook of someone who had known repeated abuses of something near to a sexual nature, beginning from a very young age. Finally, I imagine that you are over-emphasizing the example of the one guy who no longer wanted to date you after you shared the deeply personal information about your having been raped. (but of course, how can you know?) I WANT to live in a world where men will be entirely compassionate to that sort of disclosure, and I know those men can't be tested that way without first being offered the information.. I really do love that you are contemplating all of these considerations, and I wish you all of the good dating fortune in the world !!
Pfiend101 Posted February 18, 2011 Posted February 18, 2011 I'm sorry about what happened to you in the past. Have you been to any therapy? Also I wouldn't sleep over with him without having sex. He may consider you a tease. At 29 I'm almost 100% sure he will be expecting it. However you could stay the night it just may cause him to doubt things if you dont have sex. Most importantly dont do anything you dont feel comfortable with.
neo261187 Posted March 6, 2011 Posted March 6, 2011 Hey Sally , Firstly , before you get intimate with Jim , I suggest you tell him anything and everything there is to kno. I think a guy his age should be considerate enough to be with you , no matter how traumatic your situaton has been. And as far as the rest of the things go., there are no standard rules that apply to everyone. To each his own. Just relax , and Happy Dating !
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