JustEmptyInside Posted February 17, 2011 Posted February 17, 2011 Hi all - have been reading these forums and want to say thanks to everyone out there. A lot of advice here has kept me from hitting rock bottom since I officially became a dumpee this new years eve. As with most stories here mine is long and painful, so please bear with me. Any advice or thoughts from those who have been through the wringer are appreciated. I'm finding myself in a hole here and hope talking will help. We were together for 6 years, living together for 5 in what was truly a great relationship. In what seems to be a common theme here, she always reminded me how I was so different than everyone else and how much she loved me and wanted to get married. How she could never leave me no matter what. I truly loved that girl with everything I had. Like any normal couple we had our arguments over the years, but always worked it out quickly and moved on. During the last month or so of our relationship we were both feeling some extra stress (work, family, holidays, etc.) and fought a little more than normal over stupid stuff, but as always we worked past it and I thought things were fine, we were just in a rut dealing with "life", maybe things got routine - and as with everything else we were a team and would work through it together. I was apparently wrong. One day she comes home from work (way later than is normal for her) and tells me we have to talk. Apparently "talk" means "it's over...it just wasn't going to work between us... I don't want to try to work it out...you had your chance, its too late." /misery on She left, and as I later found out immediately went to be with a coworker of hers that had apparently been flirting with her in the weeks leading up to the bomb drop. She is still with him, staying at his place. I'm not perfect. Never claimed to be, but at the end of the day I have always given her all the love that I had. I was genuine, faithful, and caring with her throughout our relationship. She always told me how unbelievably happy she was(as did her friends and family), but suddenly here she is telling me how unhappy she's been for a "long time" and how badly I've treated her. From the way she talks her friends and family must think I'm this horrible monster that treated her like crap. I keep trying to tell myself that this is her way of justifying what she's doing, but it still hurts so much to have the girl you loved more than anything in life pull a 180 and talk to you like you're a horrible person who never took care of them. Suddenly all the little arguments and any of my screwups over the years (which we had always worked out and were never a problem) became these deal breakers that made her "have to leave for herself" I guess I just expected a chance to work things out after so many years together. Maybe that's unrealistic. I do know that if it were the other way around, I'd have walked through hell and back to try and work things out first, because in my mind that's what you do when you "truly" love someone. Maybe she was disconnecting at the end and I didn't see the signs. If I did why wouldn't I have tried to fix things? So here I am 7 weeks in and still fighting each morning for a reason to get out of bed, while she's jumped right into a new relationship. I'm trying to follow the advice here but still feel myself slipping into this dark hole. How can someone go from total love to total ice so easily. I guess it bothers me most that despite all the petty BS between us, I put in everything I could to make sure she was happy, safe, knew that she was loved. And after how hard I tried - I still failed. Thanks for listening. It helps to vent a little.
Chi townD Posted February 17, 2011 Posted February 17, 2011 Sorry Dude, but it seems like she was cheating on you for a while. She was fighting with you over little stupid stuff, feeling angry and bitter at you for little to no reason. She was trying to justify in her mind that it was the right thing to do to offset her own guilt. The OM wasn't helping matters much either. Probably presurring her to leave you. If she's bad mouthing about you to friends and family is because she's trying to have people view her as a victim and she was right to get away from that monster rather that be view as a no good cheat. I would suggest NO CONTACT!!! Don't even entertain that thought of calling, e-mail or text. I would not be surprised that her guilt will get the better of her and she will try to make contact. Don't read it, because it will probably be more of the same. That she wasn't happy...blah...blah... This is to re-affirm in her head that see wasn't guilty of doing what she did. If people ask you what happened, be honest....she cheated on me and left me for him. Now, NC is a time for you to heal. Keep yourself busy. People equate the break up of a loving relationship is just as painful as losing a parent. You are in mourning over your relationship. Give it time. Go out, visit friends, take a trip, join a gym. I swear, over time, you will start to feel better. But, for your own sanity. STAY NC>
ShatteredReality Posted February 17, 2011 Posted February 17, 2011 I'm so sorry for your pain. I will agree she's trying to justify her relationship with this other guy. Chances are, she developed a crush, the grass began to look much greener over there...so she jumped the fence and had to find a way to make it seem to ok for her to do so. You mentioned you two settled into routine...maybe for her it was a rut? This new guy came alone and she allowed herself to get hazy in the head and confused? It was exciting and new? That's the thing about relationships that go on for awhile...the exciting and the new wear off and if you aren't in it 100% our neophilia takes over. The most exciting time of a relationship for most people is the beginning. There are very few of us left out there who find the security and strength of the long term as comforting as we found the new exciting - hopefully that makes sense. Chances are, when this thing with this guy goes sour, she'll realize what's happened and try to come back to you. What you have to do now, is decide how you will react IF that happens. Another thing you need to do is know that you are going to be ok. It's not easy to move on, but now you get to find yourself again. You get to learn to love yourself and treat yourself as good as you say you treated her. Take your time to mourn the passing of this relationship - stay away from the void - but allow yourself to feel what you're feeling...and like any other type of grief...this too shall pass...and you have a huge network of supporters here.
Tiredguy Posted February 17, 2011 Posted February 17, 2011 I hate when this happens, as its basically the same thing that happened to me, but yea, all the mean crap she said about you was just justification for her, to herself and whoever else she's telling so she doesn't look bad about leaving you for another guy. Which is basically what she did. She betrayed your trust, started flirting up with another dude and it got serious, and she dumped you for him. No matter what you may feel at this point, she betrayed you, bottom line. I'd have absolutely nothing whatsoever to do with her from this point forward, if I were you.
seibert253 Posted February 18, 2011 Posted February 18, 2011 I think there was a little more than mere "flirting" prior to your GF dumping you. Be thankful she did cut you loose early in, and didn't keep you hanging around as her back up plan, while she gave the other dude a test ride. The question you now have to ask yourself is, when/if she decides the OM in not her knight in shining armor, and comes running back to you, what are your going to do?
Author JustEmptyInside Posted February 18, 2011 Author Posted February 18, 2011 Thanks for the reply's everyone, it's good to know that others see the situation the same way I do. She's put forth so much effort in convincing me it's all my fault that I was actually starting to believe it! I'm trying to get on the healing route but it hasn't been easy so far. I do wonder what I'd say if she did come back at some point. Hopefully by then I'll be healed enough and strong again to not make a stupid emotional decision. One thing I'll give her, If she is feeling any emotion or regret about destroying me and the future we were working towards - she does a hell of a job of hiding it!
uant Posted February 19, 2011 Posted February 19, 2011 i am sorry for your pain. I understand how hard it is. I experienced something very similar too especially with him being in love with me totally and turn 180 straight at the break up and I also never knew that it was coming and it drops me like a bombshell. N yes he dated another girl straight after whom I am not sure how long he had been talking/flirting with her. I totally understand it. Actually I couldn't deal with it at all and decided to move out to far place so I wont have to be there. Dunno if it was the right decision to leave my dream but at least now I am not so miserable and I could live my life and have a start over with my study and future. Not suggesting you to do the same but no contact and keep urself busy will definitely help and time will pass even before u knew it. I still do miss him so much all the time but I have to take good care of myself and live on with my life and be a daughter and a sister that myself and my family could be proud of. I wish u well and I hope you know that there are ppl out there that will always understand and care about u
jamrah Posted February 19, 2011 Posted February 19, 2011 Hey dude, that sucks. I know exactly how u feel. One thing I can tell you is, go NC!! It feels like your going to explode, but its the only way. I learnt that the hard way. I was with ex for 5 yrs. She dump/left/cheated me with a much older guy. I spent eight months chasing and wanting her back. Guess what? She never came back. Join a gym, read and heal. Man its so horrible!! Try my man, TRY.
Rose T Posted February 19, 2011 Posted February 19, 2011 I'm not perfect. Never claimed to be, but at the end of the day I have always given her all the love that I had. I was genuine, faithful, and caring with her throughout our relationship. She always told me how unbelievably happy she was(as did her friends and family), but suddenly here she is telling me how unhappy she's been for a "long time" and how badly I've treated her. From the way she talks her friends and family must think I'm this horrible monster that treated her like crap. I keep trying to tell myself that this is her way of justifying what she's doing, but it still hurts so much to have the girl you loved more than anything in life pull a 180 and talk to you like you're a horrible person who never took care of them. Suddenly all the little arguments and any of my screwups over the years (which we had always worked out and were never a problem) became these deal breakers that made her "have to leave for herself" Wow, the exact same thing happened to me at the start of December - I guess I'm a month further down the line than you are. Only my ex boyfriend really screwed with my head because he started telling me that he thought our relationship was heading for the end of the line without actually leaving, talked about going to stay with a friend, then I found text messages on his phone from his co-worker, worked it out and kicked him out. He'd only been in the new job for 8 weeks. We had a 4.5 year relationship. Suddenly he was telling me that he'd always had doubts along the line, there were several moments over the years when he was sure we were breaking up... I was like, WTF? I don't remember these conversations? Oh - that's because he didn't have them with me. He just stored up little episodes in his mind and for him, that was justification much further down the line for the break-up. Six weeks after the dramatic break-up, he had huge second thoughts but since he's working with her, in a new job which he doesn't want to lose, he's in a stalemate. I wouldn't take him back anyway (not even in a twisted revenge fantasy!) He is sending me messages and emails now and then in any case, trying to be "friendly" and ostensibly to sort out final bills and house stuff and to ask me about my life, but I am full NC at the moment. Dude, this is no way to handle a relationship! Your ex and mine have no idea how to communicate in a relationship. This is a major characteristic of cheaters everywhere. They get everything lined up in their head, it's like putting you on trial but not allowing you in the courtroom. By the time they've decided they're moving on / moving onto someone else, you're the last one to know. But you know what? Your ex's new relationship is going to struggle. She's not going to change, the relationship was born out of sneaking around and stress and, dammit, she was still in a relationship with you when she started with the new guy!! It's so wrong and it will screw them up eventually, believe me. The best thing you can do is concentrate on yourself, on healing and recovering. She's going to be stuck wasting her time with the guy from work, while you have the chance to get over her and meet someone new in much healthier circumstances. Go NC and get ready to be tough when she comes back or reaches out with her tail between her legs. Trust me, she'll be back when it all goes wrong. You just need to have moved on when that happens.
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