makelemonade1974 Posted February 17, 2011 Posted February 17, 2011 I am really getting over him. I have no desire to get back together, none at all, in fact, what I really want to do is beat the crap out of him. Punching him in the face would make me feel REALLY REALLY good. It's not just the heartbreak scenario - yeah, I gave him two years of my life and he betrayed me in unspeakable ways, but I work with him and he CONTINUES to make my life hell. I have had to "break up" with every mutual friend except one, he has taken professional opportunities away from me (long story), and succeeding left and right while everyone around him thinks he's a saint. I just want to SCREAM I am so angry. And I don't like being angry. I really really don't like it. It makes me feel like a terrible person. How do you guys deal with the anger?
GreenPolicy Posted February 17, 2011 Posted February 17, 2011 I am really getting over him. I have no desire to get back together, none at all, in fact, what I really want to do is beat the crap out of him. Punching him in the face would make me feel REALLY REALLY good. It's not just the heartbreak scenario - yeah, I gave him two years of my life and he betrayed me in unspeakable ways, but I work with him and he CONTINUES to make my life hell. I have had to "break up" with every mutual friend except one, he has taken professional opportunities away from me (long story), and succeeding left and right while everyone around him thinks he's a saint. I just want to SCREAM I am so angry. And I don't like being angry. I really really don't like it. It makes me feel like a terrible person. How do you guys deal with the anger? Just let the feelings of anger flow through you and don't fight it. It's a necessary emotion to process as part of healing from the breakup. It's progress if you have gone from wrenching sadness to anger. After anger there is sorrow, and then...acceptance. The important thing is to not get stuck in one stage. There are four primary emotions we feel in a breakup: Sadness, Fear, Anger and Sorrow.
Author makelemonade1974 Posted February 17, 2011 Author Posted February 17, 2011 Well I'm past the sadness, fear and sorrow stages. There is NO SORROW. I hate him with every particle of my being. He is a pathetic, spineless, unethical, unattractive human being. I can't believe I ever actually had sex with him. Yuck. I am thrilled that he is out of my life. Now if he would just disappear and get the heck out of the way of my professional opportunities and friendships, then life would be just lovely. But I really need this anger to go away. Like now. I don't want to be a bitter human being. Then I'm just as bad as he is. yeah, pity party blah blah I need to get a grip.
GreenPolicy Posted February 17, 2011 Posted February 17, 2011 Well I'm past the sadness, fear and sorrow stages. There is NO SORROW. I hate him with every particle of my being. He is a pathetic, spineless, unethical, unattractive human being. I can't believe I ever actually had sex with him. Yuck. I am thrilled that he is out of my life. Now if he would just disappear and get the heck out of the way of my professional opportunities and friendships, then life would be just lovely. But I really need this anger to go away. Like now. I don't want to be a bitter human being. Then I'm just as bad as he is. yeah, pity party blah blah I need to get a grip. Karma will take care of people like him in the end. In the meantime, get yourself right. When you meet a good guy who treats you well, that is the best revenge against him you could possibly have.
JasonRules Posted February 17, 2011 Posted February 17, 2011 If you're angry at him that means you still care way too much. You need to reach a point where you have no feelings whatsoever. To answer your original question though; I get over my feelings, by going to the gym and working out very hard and turning all that pent up energy/frustration into something good for me. While I'm working out I get in this zen state of mind where no one around me matters.
Country_Girl Posted February 17, 2011 Posted February 17, 2011 I think the anger will go away on it's own. You had said in a previous thread that he was NPD- you have to realize that people like that have to keep up appearances, and although they may "seem" happy/successful, they aren't really capable of feeling any joy inside. Every day life is a struggle to maintain an image of perfection. I know this because my brother is a Narcissist and I think to myself what a sad existence that must be, to never really be able to enjoy or feel emotion, and how it must suck to have to put a mask on all the time. The anger will dissipate, time will take care of that. You really can't force the stages of grief unfortunately. I know at least for me, during my breakup, I would experience all the stages in one day, it truly was an emotional roller coaster. Then I started experiencing the stages once at a time, only one stage per day. Then maybe just a creeping thought once every few days. Time really does heal all wounds.
joshislost Posted February 17, 2011 Posted February 17, 2011 If he is bothering you at work have you ever thought about telling a superior, or if worse if this continues maybe you could have a harassment case. I am usually the type of person who will hold it all in. I will take a lot of cr@p from people and keep it bottled up, i know I shouldn't but that's how i deal. I wouldn't punch him, thats not going to solve anything. I would say either confront him about it, or tell someone in authority (be it work or law enforcement if it's that bad).
Author makelemonade1974 Posted February 17, 2011 Author Posted February 17, 2011 I think the anger will go away on it's own. You had said in a previous thread that he was NPD- you have to realize that people like that have to keep up appearances, and although they may "seem" happy/successful, they aren't really capable of feeling any joy inside. Every day life is a struggle to maintain an image of perfection. I know this because my brother is a Narcissist and I think to myself what a sad existence that must be, to never really be able to enjoy or feel emotion, and how it must suck to have to put a mask on all the time. The anger will dissipate, time will take care of that. You really can't force the stages of grief unfortunately. I know at least for me, during my breakup, I would experience all the stages in one day, it truly was an emotional roller coaster. Then I started experiencing the stages once at a time, only one stage per day. Then maybe just a creeping thought once every few days. Time really does heal all wounds. Do you really think NPD's are unhappy? I would really enjoy it if he was unhappy. I just feel like he's a pig in shiiite with all the success he's received at work lately. And Josh, there is no way I can go to a "superior." He hasn't done anything that I can prove is unethical - it's more just political garbage. My ex is my "superior" on a journal that we both work for - and I have been denied an expected editorial promotion because of the breakup. I've also been excluded from meetings, etc. or involvement in the production of the journal (per his attempts to ostracize me). We both work for a university, so there are quite a few people in superior positions, but everyone generally does their own work. I wrote a really evil poem today about him being tied to a tree for the rest of his life. That was a bit cathartic. I'm a runner as well, so that helps.
JasonRules Posted February 17, 2011 Posted February 17, 2011 I would really enjoy it if he was unhappy This is problematic that you would express such feelings.
willowthewisp Posted February 17, 2011 Posted February 17, 2011 If you're angry at him that means you still care way too much. You need to reach a point where you have no feelings whatsoever. Whilst I agree this can be true, I also think that sometimes people are angry at the treatment they have recieved, not really that they still have feelings for the other person. Imagine you were the victim of a crime, say a mugging for example, you could experience fear, hurt but also anger at that person "how dare someone treat you that way, how dare they take liberities with you life like that, who do they think they are? I hope they suffer for this". Clearly you would not have romantic feelings for your mugger. In the same way, when someone has ended a long term relationship, for no good reason (and by that I mean there has not been a relationship breakdown and the other person has literally used you or is unable or refuses to look at there own issues, such as NPD and so on), then it feels very much like a thief has 'stolen' years of your life, espically if you have been decieved and tricked and lied and maipulated into complying with their desire to have you but keeping the who they really are from you. When you add in the love that you have shown them, to know this was a deliberate act is almost unbearable. Yes, it is an injustice and yes you will feel angry. My counsellor told me it is extremely important to feel this anger, you cannot move on without going through it. He also told me that if you have been tricked, maipulated etc that what has been done TO you will probably always be a source of hurt and anger to some degree, you will just be able to better manage it so it does not affect you on a daily basis.
Country_Girl Posted February 18, 2011 Posted February 18, 2011 Do you really think NPD's are unhappy? I would really enjoy it if he was unhappy. I just feel like he's a pig in shiiite with all the success he's received at work lately. I don't think they are capable of a whole vast array of emotions, including happiness. What might bring them happiness is often material and personal gains, but that is short lived, and they are constantly searching for their next source or "fix". I truly don't believe anyone living in that kind of mental state is ever really happy.
Author makelemonade1974 Posted February 18, 2011 Author Posted February 18, 2011 Thank you Willow, you said it so perfectly - that's exactly how I feel. Country, you have some unique insight into this situation and I appreciate your thoughts. Jason, the fact that I wish him unhappiness upsets me as well, but I am sure that he not only wishes me unhappiness, but feels that I am "weak" because he is able to hurt me. He has constantly tried to maneuver into a position of power and I am tired of letting him have that power. My life has been destroyed and he has walked away as if our relationship never even happened. I think what I am feeling is a normal reaction, but my own discomfort with such overwhelming feelings of anger is why I'm here on this board trying to deal with it. I hope nobody ever has to go through this - such people should have 'run the other way' stamped on their foreheads.
paiger Posted February 18, 2011 Posted February 18, 2011 On a lighter note... You're already past halfway of the apparent stages of a breakup Almost there.
Author makelemonade1974 Posted February 18, 2011 Author Posted February 18, 2011 Oh yeah, I can really feel it. It's good to have the intensity of the pain finished with. But I'm almost more comfortable with being depressed - I always handled it well by just going to sleep - anger is a monster I'm having trouble taming. I want karma NOW please.
depplover_1980 Posted February 18, 2011 Posted February 18, 2011 Oh yeah, I can really feel it. It's good to have the intensity of the pain finished with. But I'm almost more comfortable with being depressed - I always handled it well by just going to sleep - anger is a monster I'm having trouble taming. I want karma NOW please. PM me Lemonade. x
GreenPolicy Posted February 18, 2011 Posted February 18, 2011 The thing about anger is that it's a necessary emotion to process if you got dumped under sh*tty circumstances, but the key is to not get stuck there. It's a rest stop on the road to healing from a breakup, but not your ultimate destination. I reached that stage where I felt a lot of anger towards my ex. I think some amount of anger is healthy because you are standing up for yourself when you recognize "Hey! I did not deserve to be treated this way. I will not accept or stand for this." That's why you don't beg and plead with your dumper to take you back after they walked all over you. But at a certain point, holding on to that anger is hurting you. Do you think your ex is bothered or hurt by your anger or resentment? Do you think your ex cares? At a certain point, that anger is your ex still controlling you and your well-being.
Gossamer Posted February 18, 2011 Posted February 18, 2011 you need to make sure you're adding high-quality POSITIVE experiences into your daily, hourly life. I too have been getting stuck in the anger stage. I see a therapist, and the one thing that I believe has been helping is to stop isolating myself because of the pain/anger/devastation/vulnerability I have been feeling, which has been exhausting. It has taken months for me to get to this place of being able to pay attention to my needs to take exquisite care of myself. Working out/boxing is vital. Being around people who respect and care for you is vital. Find some meetup.com groups that are in alignment with some hobbies you've wanted to nurture, with like-minds. My therapist was right in that balancing out the anger with what positively feeds you is what is healing my anger. My post-breakup stages are still intermixed. I don't believe there's a "linear" way. It's important to go through all of them, but I haven't had them neatly arranged and cooperative. These are emotions we're talking about. Big emotions, especially. Sweetie, you are not "wrong" for not wanting him to be happy. You are not a bad person for wanting him to be unhappy. That is what anger is. You are still angry. It would be unhealthy if with that anger you were stalking him and finding ways to *make* him miserable. Or if your anger turned into a resentment which lingered for too long. You sound insightful and perceptive, and like you are not in danger of this highjacking your life for forever. However, that you work with him is a definite large problem, especially if he is responsible for blocking your promotions and career growth. That's another whole discussion, with a whole other set of guidance and decisions to make. As for your anger, though, I do not agree with the poster who said it's a problem if you wish him unhappiness. What you are feeling is healthy. We need to have revenge fantasies even if they are darker than this. And we do have dark revenge fantasies. It's the frequency, focus-to-exclusion-of-living-a-happy-life for a too-long period of time or acting on the revenge feelings that would be problematic. My advice would be to do these 2 things at work: Surround yourself with positive affirmations to remind yourself that you will get past this stronger and wiser and ready for a greater life, NPD quotes/articles to remind yourself it's him, not you, and do something physically challenging every single day. Get it out physically, raise your endorphin level. And find people you can talk to you about NPD, if not getting into a relationship with a therapist who understands it. For now, everything you are going through is understandable, normal, and unless your own anger process takes over your life for too long, do not pathologize yourself. <hugs, peace, love> /Gossamer I am really getting over him. I have no desire to get back together, none at all, in fact, what I really want to do is beat the crap out of him. Punching him in the face would make me feel REALLY REALLY good. It's not just the heartbreak scenario - yeah, I gave him two years of my life and he betrayed me in unspeakable ways, but I work with him and he CONTINUES to make my life hell. I have had to "break up" with every mutual friend except one, he has taken professional opportunities away from me (long story), and succeeding left and right while everyone around him thinks he's a saint. I just want to SCREAM I am so angry. And I don't like being angry. I really really don't like it. It makes me feel like a terrible person. How do you guys deal with the anger?
depplover_1980 Posted February 18, 2011 Posted February 18, 2011 I agree there is nothing wrong with wanting him to be unhappy, it is a natural balance as he has made you so miserable. ****, I want him to be unhappy too cos of how much he's upset my cyber Lemonade.
Author makelemonade1974 Posted February 18, 2011 Author Posted February 18, 2011 You guys are awesome. Seriously. Words can't express.
Gossamer Posted February 19, 2011 Posted February 19, 2011 it can be a lot harder for women to feel, express, process anger because we're allowed to show it a lot less. Guys punch another guy out and matters are settled. Anger in "nice women" is considered really unattractive, and that causes us all kinds of doubts about what we're supposed to feel. Women suppress anger and it turns to depression, eating disorders, all kinds of issues that we can avoid if we understand that these feelings are not supposed to be "nice". So...I support you in *running f*ucking amok* with your anger. Whatever you need to think, envision, safety-punch, feel, it's what you need to do to avoid a complicated grieving process and the "suppressed anger" issues that women are more vulnerable to. And...we're here to "help" you decorate a couple of his photos. He might be less attractive to you after we help him miss teeth and grow hair in odd places. ;-) /Gossamer;) You guys are awesome. Seriously. Words can't express.
Gossamer Posted February 19, 2011 Posted February 19, 2011 It's a part of regaining balance. 'I agree there is nothing wrong with wanting him to be unhappy, it is a natural balance as he has made you so miserable.' I agree there is nothing wrong with wanting him to be unhappy, it is a natural balance as he has made you so miserable. ****, I want him to be unhappy too cos of how much he's upset my cyber Lemonade.
D78 Posted February 19, 2011 Posted February 19, 2011 ... Punching him in the face would make me feel REALLY REALLY good... I just want to SCREAM I am so angry. And I don't like being angry. I really really don't like it. It makes me feel like a terrible person. How do you guys deal with the anger? I am the least angry person I know in real life, but after being dumped that changed for a bit. I had a very obvious angry stage. Here's what I did to deal: (1) I have 2 punching bags. I turned the Everlast logo into his face in my imagination. It was actually kinda sad cause I could only punch with one hand... The punching bags and other exercise helped the most. (2) I downloaded lots of angry songs and sang them at the top of my lungs in my house and in my car. And, I absolutely didn't give a **** who saw me or what they thought. (3) I got to work. I used that insane angry energy as motivation to paint my house, organize lots of stuff, clean, etc. I understand why you hate being angry. But, it's inevitable and completely justified in your situation. Your best bet is to embrace it, rather than feeling terrible about it. As Gossamer said, run "f*ucking amok* with your anger" (love it). If you do this, your anger will pass. Good luck.
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