mercedesgirl Posted February 17, 2011 Posted February 17, 2011 My OH's ex moved out of the house they shared before Christmas to move abroad to start a new life with a guy she met on holiday. It has all gone bad over there and she is moving back to the UK and wants to move back into the house my OH has been renting since she went!!!!! We have tried to discuss this but I cant seem to get out of my OH what his plans actually are. If she wants to move back into the house , thats fine with me but he then needs to move out and get himself his own place. We end up arguing because I ask him all these questions and he just says he doesnt want me to worry about it. I have thought today, that I want to say to him, if she moves back in with him we are finished. Is this a good idea or not? The trouble is I have recently lost my father and my emotions are all over the place and to have this to deal with isnt helping. I feel so unsettled atm and want some sort of direction in my life. Any thoughts please x
HeavenOrHell Posted February 17, 2011 Posted February 17, 2011 I've almost been in the same situation, my partner's ex was possibly going to have nowhere to live and he said she might move back in, so I fretted over it for a few weeks and then I said to him "is she going to move back in? Because I don't think it's going to work for me if she does," He said not to worry and that it probably wouldn't happen, and agreed it would be awkward and weird if she did, but also said that it wouldn't restrict our time chatting as she works away a lot, which is true she does, but not enough to not restrict us in what is already a restricted r/ship being LD. We've not talked about it for a while as it seems unlikely she will move in now, she is even talking about moving a few hundred miles away. I personally feel his ex moving in would mean I couldn't handle this r/ship, not because I don't trust him but because I have already felt jealous of them spending most w/ends together, although I feel better for talking to him about this recently, but her moving back in would be too much, I am already way more tolerant than many people have said they would be in my situation. I would never ask him to see less of her or to not move back in, I don't ask people to choose or back them into a corner, I just say how it makes me feel and and why, and what might help the situation, and it's up to them if they act on it, and if they don't then maybe they are putting their ex before us, which may make us rethink our r/ship. I would tell him how you feel and why, but not in an accusing way, if you see what I mean. For me it's not a matter of trust, it's purely that I wish it were me there with him at w/ends and not her. Like I said to him, who would choose to be in a r/ship with someone in another country who spends most w/ends with their ex?! I am sorry you lost your father recently, that won't be helping how you feel lately, I hope your partner will take that into account. I personally do not think it is too much to expect your partner to not move back in with their ex, unless they would literally be on the streets otherwise, or it's for a VERY short time and they are working hard to find somewhere else. Good luck, let us know how you get on. My OH's ex moved out of the house they shared before Christmas to move abroad to start a new life with a guy she met on holiday. It has all gone bad over there and she is moving back to the UK and wants to move back into the house my OH has been renting since she went!!!!! We have tried to discuss this but I cant seem to get out of my OH what his plans actually are. If she wants to move back into the house , thats fine with me but he then needs to move out and get himself his own place. We end up arguing because I ask him all these questions and he just says he doesnt want me to worry about it. I have thought today, that I want to say to him, if she moves back in with him we are finished. Is this a good idea or not? The trouble is I have recently lost my father and my emotions are all over the place and to have this to deal with isnt helping. I feel so unsettled atm and want some sort of direction in my life. Any thoughts please x
aerogurl87 Posted February 17, 2011 Posted February 17, 2011 If them living together is a deal breaker for you, then you need to let him know it is. And if that means the relationship ending, then you need to tell him straight up what you expect of him when it comes to boundaries with his ex.
folieadeux Posted February 17, 2011 Posted February 17, 2011 This situation would be a dealbreaker for me if they ended up living together again. It's easy enough to find another apartment or for her to find her own place.
TokyoG33kyGal Posted February 18, 2011 Posted February 18, 2011 be firm with your boundaries. once you let him bend the rules a bit, that's when the person will try to test your limits. i am not saying he's like that but it would leave a lot of room for abuse in the future.
Author mercedesgirl Posted February 18, 2011 Author Posted February 18, 2011 be firm with your boundaries. once you let him bend the rules a bit, that's when the person will try to test your limits. i am not saying he's like that but it would leave a lot of room for abuse in the future. thanks, trouble is Im not assertive (have posted on another thread about me not being able to say things when they bother me!) I do put up with a lot of crap and I know I shouldnt have to, I dont like confrontation and so just go along with things!!
TokyoG33kyGal Posted February 18, 2011 Posted February 18, 2011 thanks, trouble is Im not assertive (have posted on another thread about me not being able to say things when they bother me!) I do put up with a lot of crap and I know I shouldnt have to, I dont like confrontation and so just go along with things!! why aren't you unable to say things? are you scared that he might change his mind? don't let fear overpower you. a guy will treat a girl with more respect if you know exactly what you want and let him know you won't tolerate bullcrap. you don't really need to be 'demanding' when you lay down your boundaries. just tell him something along the lines of..."i would be upset if someone stays in your house, may it be your ex or another person. i don't want to give exceptions. please respect that. if you cannot do it, then i might have to rethink about our relationship."
Lucky_One Posted February 20, 2011 Posted February 20, 2011 If LDR's do have an "upside", it's the fact that so many communications take place in some written form, which is easier for a less aggressive person to use in order to get his/her thoughts out. Just write him and say something like "I was thinking about XGF moving back in, and I am not sure you understand exactly how much this would bother me. I do not think I could carry on with your R, if you are living with her, even if it is for short period of time. "
Rose T Posted February 20, 2011 Posted February 20, 2011 Hi Mercedesgirl, couple of things, really... I totally think you are in the right feeling uncomfortable about this and you should not be afraid to communicate that you won't accept her moving back in there, even for a couple of nights. The other thing that bothers me is your OH's approach, though - why is he even entertaining this thought? Does he like drama or have some unresolved attachment to his ex? He should be putting his foot down in the first place to his ex and suggesting she finds somewhere else to stay, it shouldn't even be getting to this stage. Look after yourself here and make sure it doesn't turn into a red flag. Giving him the benefit of the doubt, maybe he's sort of implying that it's really not going to happen so there's no need to worry, but it would be nicer if he could be a bit firmer with his ex, really.
Recommended Posts