rbitrage Posted February 17, 2011 Posted February 17, 2011 I am becoming the most annoyingly persistent poster on here, and i apologize for that. I just really feel stuck and unfortunately both sides of the argument seem compelling to me (equally so). It's been 11 days now of NC. Though part of me really believes this is a big mistake. I am the dumpee obviously and I know what I am supposed to do in general but then there is a part of me that really want to do what my heart says which is to go and propose. I know this is emotionality talking, but I really believe there is something more to this feelings. She told me she loved me two weeks before we broke up and i think this break up is about safety more than anything else. She felt it was better to cut losses than take a risk with somoone who couldn't commit ultimately. Also i think she felt it was safer for both of us than two broken hearts lingering even though the feelings were there. I don't know. I really feel like NC is risky for me. Each day that goes by, two people that have potential to have a great life together condition themselves more that they don't belong together and move on. Loving someone is conditioning, just as much as un-loving someone is conditioning (intentional conditioning and unconscious conditioning). Also a friend of mine said a point yesterday. If i propose to her and she says no, i just go back to square one and turn back to NC. If she says yes we are done. Hence I'm better off with at least trying this. I know NC generally is best for both people and of course i want what is best for her, but I really am afraid right now. I don't want to become numb to the love i feel for her. I can't convince myself that nc is right for me here.
Nita10 Posted February 17, 2011 Posted February 17, 2011 Hey there.. I really don't know your full story.. I do agree with you when you say loving someone is conditioning.. but if there's any love at all it won't go anywhere so quick.. so i'd say give it more time of NC.. maybe 2 months.. if you still feel the urge to break it then do it.. if she refuses to go back then definitely do NC until she breaks it (if ever). I know it's hard.. try to stay strong and be patient
Author rbitrage Posted February 17, 2011 Author Posted February 17, 2011 Thanks for the reply, but I don't think i can last two months with NC. I'd have to really believe that is the best or only way to get her back which i am really really struggling with right now
xpaperxcutx Posted February 17, 2011 Posted February 17, 2011 Thanks for the reply, but I don't think i can last two months with NC. I'd have to really believe that is the best or only way to get her back which i am really really struggling with right now Set a goal and work towards that goal. Say, in 10 days, you want to run 2 miles. Do that. The more short term goals you make, the longer they get. And if trying to get your ex back is the problem, make a goal to go out once a week, hang out with friends, have parties, and celebrate. Meet new people. My goals for being heartbroken? Meet and befriend a new guy once a week.
Author rbitrage Posted February 17, 2011 Author Posted February 17, 2011 am i wrong or is everyone on here operating under the model of the relationship will never come back and therefore get into the mindset of moving on. Again i don't mean to be a stickler, but moving on from someone you love because of complications that led to a split (unless it's really some serious incompatibility, cheating etc etc), makes no sense to me. I want to focus on this relationship, what went wrong with it, what was right about it, and if ultimately it is something that I am supposed to be in and whether it can be salvaged. Ideally I would like to do that in a rational calm state, which is not terribly easy after a breakup but nonethelss. I don't know how to convince myself that being cold turkey from her for 3-4 months and living a normal life will bring us back together. I know girls prefer guys who have their sh*t together, but my problem in this relationship was not being clingy, it was being too focused on myself and all my other stuff. Going away from 3-4 months will only do one thing in my opinion. Push her away for good and that is purely a conditioning thing. It's not a matter of the love will endure all that time apart. At least i dont believe it will in my case. Now the question is what do i do if i break NC or if i propose and she says no...i don't know to be honest. I dont even want to know to be honest.
gator12 Posted February 17, 2011 Posted February 17, 2011 Taking a chance is a part of love and a part of proposing. But you need to realize this, if you guys want a successful relationship/ marriage you need to work on the issues that lead to the breakup in the first place. Love isn't enough in a relationship; communication, trust and honesty are all just as vital as love. Even the strongest love will fail without these three, if you feel you are ready to do this change and are GENUINELY a different person, ready to commit. Then go for it, worse case scenario you shrug it off and go back to NC. If she really loves you, and you really show her you're different then she won't say no. -Gator
Author rbitrage Posted February 18, 2011 Author Posted February 18, 2011 I agree with you Gator. Do I think i have done enough work on myself? no. I have a lot of stuff I need to sort out, but it is becoming clear to me. Firstly, I understand what three things she wants from me: a healthy (not co-dependent) relationship, a sense of security, and a passion for eachother. the first i felt we had, the second i never gave her because i was afraid of loss so i would get close and back off, and third was there and not there (again, when fear grips you, you become on and off with your passion). As I mentioned in other posts, we took a break from eachother in early december and officially broke up 11 days ago because i was being too clingy to get her back. I need to work on appreciating all that I did and did not do in the relationship so that i can not repeat those mistakes. I know this doesn't help in healing but I've just connecting with all the things about her that i feel greatful to have experienced. Also I've made peace with my fears and realise how much more my love for her overrides my fear of loss. This is the only girl I've ever dreamt of having a family with, and just spending my life with in a meaningful way (am over 30 and have had plenty of relationships that never made me feel this way). Hence, do i think i have done enough to be ready for a marriage/relationship? No. But I am committed to working on it for the rest of my life for us. Now the thing is, if i stay in NC, I am just afraid of losing her. I know that is not something i can control, but not being in her life makes it that much easier for it to happen. Again it just boils down to, if i could could have faith that this process of healing, working on myself would get her back I would totally stay in NC without fear. Met with a friend of mine last night who said, there are things you have in your control and things you don't. What she does, is not in your control. Also you cannot make her decision for her. Only thing you can control is your own state of mind and working to become the best person you can be so that she or anyone else would appreciate the person you are. which is pretty much what everyone on here talks about. i just find it REALLY hard to believe that keeping the faith will lead to good results.
ConfusedGuy23 Posted February 18, 2011 Posted February 18, 2011 Rbitrage, IIm kind of in the same boat as you. Im doing no contact aswell. I left my 4 and a half year relationship also because i got scared of how deep it was getting and pulled away. Fear of commitment. I sympathize with your view on no contact and how it feels like you are going to lose her. I feel exactly the same way at the moment. Half of the time im thinking i should try and win her back (seeing as i did the dumping) or ignoring her and letting her rebound relationship play out. Its really hard, i am one month into NC and its one of the hardest things ive ever had to do. I cant really giuve you any suggestions apart from what has been said to me and thats lay low and stick with NC and improve yourself. Im trying to do that as well, but i feel like i need to tell her that im not afraid of commitment anymore, the thought of losing her forever is much more scary. So yes i sympathize with your situation. What do you think you are going to do? Strict NC or try and win her back? Hopefully it works out.
Author rbitrage Posted February 18, 2011 Author Posted February 18, 2011 Thanks ConfusedGuy. I really don't know what I'm going to do. She knows why i was having issues and was going to therapy for it for a year. For me it stems from a lot of family losses over the last 20 years. GF was patient about it but i think what bothered her most was that I wasn't really optimistic that things would improve in my state of thinking. A few months back i was saying things like, even after all this therapy i still feel like i can't get close to anyone or i can't trust anyone etc. Thing is when she said let's take a break in december, it truly did really jolt me to reality. I finally started focusing on how selfish i was and how much my pessimism was hurting her. At least if someone is trying and saying they will keep at it, the other person would stick in there. But when you are working on something but not hopeful yourself that it will get better then how is the other supposed to be. I cant open my heart and show her how different things are inside me now. I really feel it as such, but now even trying to explain it doesn't work because it makes me look clingy and it also seems like all talk. The only thing i can do for the immediate term is continue to focus on myself and try stay in touch with these feelings. Really connect with how much i love her and how much trusting her and loving her will make our relationship so strong and special. Will it work? or will i just end up hurting myself more if she moves on in life. I don't know. I am not a religious guy but i hope it will somehow get to her that i am trying and changing. even my therapist sees real lasting change in my demeanor. he sees how much i truly love her. beyond that, i just take it day by day. truth be told, i can't imagine being without her. i know in my heart of hearts that she is my true love. basically it sucks right now...BIG TIME
westrock Posted February 18, 2011 Posted February 18, 2011 rbitrage, I went back to read some of your back story. You need to see things from her perspective. It may have been a jolt into reality for you when she left you, but your fears of commitment may have subsided precisely because you're not in a relationship with her at this time. But, now you are experiencing feelings of abandonment and that's why you want her back. But, if she takes you back, your commitment fears may resurface again and you'll be facing the same issues again. Your issues with your ex stem from the losses in your past and the unresolved feelings those circumstances created. Until you resolve those feelings from your past losses, nothing will change with your relationship with your ex. The two issues are connected emotionally. The way to move forward with your ex is to go back to the losses earlier in your life and resolve those feelings first. You need to get yourself to the stage where you are comfortable accepting the loss and feelings of abandonment in your past and where you are willing to become vulnerable within a relationship. Otherwise, you will just cycle back to the way it was before. Your ex needs to know you can be vulnerable. Being vulnerable and feeling abandoned may be really scary for you, but if you truly love her, then being vulnerable with her should be comforting, not fearful. I think NC won't help here at all but full contact also won't help either at this time. Keep going to therapy to work on your unresolved feelings from the losses that occurred when you were younger, start reading some books on healing from loss, and stay in limited contact with your ex without any expectations of reconciliation for now.
Author rbitrage Posted February 18, 2011 Author Posted February 18, 2011 westrock, Thanks a lot for your message and you are absolutely right. I do agree that a lot of what's going on is from past losses etc. We took breaks from eachother in the past but would get right back together in a few weeks and then i'd start behaving the same way a few months later. To me why this feels different is for two reasons, and unfortunately they conflict eachother if i am honest with myself. First thing is, when we would break up, i would miss her in general but it didn't increase my feelings for her. This time from our taking a break to breakup (december to now) I have really experienced how much I love her. That love started hitting me in december and when i thought of her it would be connecting to a really deep feeling. I didn't even know that feeling existed because it had been so long since i felt that kind of love. The second or bad thing is that I guess this happened at the same time as I knew that this breakup could be really permanent. Again, I believe my love is stemming from connecting to a real feeling and not from panic, but an observer of my pattern could say it is because of a loss. That is the problem. How do i show her that this feeling is real, or how do i get absolutely certain it is real to myself? As far as limited contact, at this point she said NC for a while so i don't really know how to establish contact. Letters? I just don't know if anything i do now will make a difference to her. She told me she loved me a few weeks before the breakup, but did she really come to the conclusion that this is NOT meant to be. I am sure i am asking for a lot here, but I just need a process to work towards something. A friend of mine was dating someone with alcohol problems and they stuck through the whole AA process and now they have an amazing relationship. Apparently during the rehab he was being pushed away by her and yet he stuck to it and when she got better she so appreciated the love they had. Now i feel like the alcoholic in this scenario having now seen how much my gf was there for me, but as i come to the realisation, she kinda gives up on me so i am really lost. I want to grow here, and I want her back and yes i know that there are no guarantees in life, but at least one has to try to go after the things that matter most. I just don't know how....
aerogurl87 Posted February 19, 2011 Posted February 19, 2011 Go NC and stick to it. Try and at least date other people, then if you have my problem where almost 2 years later you both still love each other, try to see if things can go anywhere.
Author rbitrage Posted February 19, 2011 Author Posted February 19, 2011 Honestly I can't. I know anything I say here will seem it comes from purely hijacked emoitions from the pain of a breakup, but I seriously am resonating this feeling that is so certain. I have never dreamt of being married to someone like this. i never dreamt of the pure joy of being in a life together. I never dreamt of forming loving bonds that include children, and travel and all the wonderful things that i was surrounded by at one point in my family before cancer and other tragedies started taking them away from me. I realise this staunch belief is dangerous because it will keep me in a long drawn out depression, but I just know it's real. I believe Westrock about the issue that I haven't let go of my past losses and am working to do that now. Problem is my heart is also starting to believe that maybe her conviction to end this and never look back now maybe too strong. I don't know what she sees when she when she looks back on our relationship now. Maybe she only choses to focus on the bad things. Maybe she believes I cant really change. I really feel some form of limited contact, maybe not right away would make a difference but i just don't know how. i'm really losing hope for life to be honest. i know all of my hopes and dreams shouldn't be tied to one person, but it's more the fact that i seem to botch true loving experiences in my life and i am now standing up and trying to show that yes i do believe. something she wanted me to believe was possible for me and for us, i believe so strongly now. i just dont knw how to get this message to her. or even if she would care
gator12 Posted February 19, 2011 Posted February 19, 2011 If you are right about the reasons she broke up with you and you show her you have changed. Then if she really loved you, she will come back once she sees you have changed. Keep working on yourself, I'd say you need a little more than 11 days of NC before she would even believe it. I say a month as a general guideline, maybe more. You don't break NC until you have really changed and are ready to take a jump. It's going to be a leap of faith and nothing any of us says will affect your decision, in the end it is up to you. Ifyou love her then by all means go for it, but patience is the key. -Gator
Author rbitrage Posted February 19, 2011 Author Posted February 19, 2011 Thanks Gator. Yes i agree it will take some time because she definitely doesn't want a relapse to where we were in the on-again, off-again spell. I guess the leap of faith part is the hard part for me. If someone said leave her alone for six months and you will get her back for sure, then i would do it. what is six months in a lifetime. But as i say, girls esp at a certain point of their lives want to get married and settle down (esp after 30). I dont mean to generalise, but all but one of her friends are married and she wants to get married soon also presumably. I feel ready for that stage of my life also and i know the girl i want to do with it now. Only thing is she is not there now and sometimes it feels like a race against the clock. In her mind this might be completely done for good and i have no way to stop or know that. It's both depressing and scary at the same time. I get some distraction/satisfaction out of my work, and do really get some relief out of putting my thoughts down on such forums and talking to friends, but the rest of the time i am in horrible shape. Cant eat, sleep erratically, feel like my heart is gonna explode (which sometimes i wish it would so i can get out of this perpetual pattern of ruining good things in my life). my therapist offered to give me some meds to sleep, calm down etc but i refused. i don't want to escape this, i want to face it and be mindful of how important she is and this pain is. If the process kills me, so be it.
xpaperxcutx Posted February 19, 2011 Posted February 19, 2011 am i wrong or is everyone on here operating under the model of the relationship will never come back and therefore get into the mindset of moving on. Again i don't mean to be a stickler, but moving on from someone you love because of complications that led to a split (unless it's really some serious incompatibility, cheating etc etc), makes no sense to me. I want to focus on this relationship, what went wrong with it, what was right about it, and if ultimately it is something that I am supposed to be in and whether it can be salvaged. Ideally I would like to do that in a rational calm state, which is not terribly easy after a breakup but nonethelss. I don't know how to convince myself that being cold turkey from her for 3-4 months and living a normal life will bring us back together. I know girls prefer guys who have their sh*t together, but my problem in this relationship was not being clingy, it was being too focused on myself and all my other stuff. Going away from 3-4 months will only do one thing in my opinion. Push her away for good and that is purely a conditioning thing. It's not a matter of the love will endure all that time apart. At least i dont believe it will in my case. Now the question is what do i do if i break NC or if i propose and she says no...i don't know to be honest. I dont even want to know to be honest. No, I'm advocating on not dwelling on the discomfort of a breakup and to move on past the pain. The only person who can let go of the past is you, I'm merely giving you the incentives to go about the task. I'm glad to hear that you recognize your faults and have the want to work on them. However, you're asking for the impossible if you expect things to occur and go your way right now. That's where NC comes in. NC gives you the necessary time to reflect and commence on the goals you've set for yourself. It's not necessary for your ex to see your current progress, but it is necessary for her to see the endresult.
gator12 Posted February 20, 2011 Posted February 20, 2011 The pain is something we have to go through. But it is important to not just suffer through it but to grow through it and eventually fight it, until it subsides. I have nothing to really say except work on you, take your time and when the moment is right just go for it. Life is too short to not take a chance with something that could be the rest of your life. -Gator
Author rbitrage Posted February 20, 2011 Author Posted February 20, 2011 Funny, i go away from this forum or other such supportive things, and my brain just begins falling apart. Took a nap just now and woke up with a painful force in the pit of my stomach and my heart beating a mile a minute. Also had the peverse notion last week that if i really ended up very sick and hospitalized maybe she would come to see me. But of course what would she come to see. NOt partner material. she would see a weak failure who wouldn't be able to survive the real trials that family life will present going forward. I dream of us back together now but i think that is the body's coping mechanism to alleviate the pain at least while i sleep Luckily the weekend is almost over because work is one of the few things that gives me some relief from this. Though timing of all ths can't be worse. The next 3-4 months is a heavy evaluation period at work, and if i don't perform well i could end up losing that also. Then we get into real bad territory. I dread the thought of going there because it is too much to bear. But reality is it does go there. Feels like my heart has taken too many of these hits in life. At my weakest point, i pity myself and ask why she gave up on me. She knew i was struggling with some big losses when she met me and she accepted the person i was and was always there for me. Now the person is saying as much as he struggled to realise and say aloud how much he loves you, he's saying it now and she says it's too late. I don't know if i can trust again. I don't know if i can heal again. I have little to no family left. Saw more tragedy than i care to repeat here, and i got this great blessing and botched it. I keep saying the same thing in my head over and over again, but she said she loved me two weeks before breaking up. We met for dinner the day before i had to leave town for a week for work, and she held my hand as we walked through the snow, as we said goodbye we held eachother for a long time. I come back with all this hope and realisation that is flooding my system and the first day back she punches me in the heart and walks away with it by breaking up. Doesn't even let me digest for a bit. Starts walking away, and I feel my life walking away with her. I am trying folks....trying to get myself up...trying to survive...trying to get better. But i am really dying right now REALLY dying..............
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