Gettingtired Posted February 17, 2011 Posted February 17, 2011 Hey LS'ers. I've been seeing this girl for a couple of weeks and she now thinks she isn't ready to be with someone just yet. A bit of background on her. She's 23 and her ex BF used to abuse her, physically and mentally. She told me he really knocked her about [if I knew where he was I'd give him such a kicking], wouldn't let her do anything, he would even unplug all the electrical equipment when he went to bed and as she didn't know how it all went back together, she couldn't do anything but sit there. She's been broken up with him for 18 months or so, but due to that experience it has obviously effected her in a bad way. When I complement her on how she looks, her body, or just her as a person, she doesn't believe a word of it. Obviously due to her thinking her ex telling her she's ugly, good for nothing, wont amount to anything. Over time I can imagine that stuff sinks in and you start to believe it. So like I said she's been on her own for 18 months and now I'm on the seen, she's freaking out a bit. She knows I'm a lovely guy and she does like me, but she's freaking out at the fact of giving up her time for someone. She's so used to doing what she wants when she wants and isn't sure if she's ready or maybe even willing to incorporate someone into things. Our "relationship" is currently up in the air at the moment. She originally dumped me on Valentine's Day, but I went round the day after to collect some of my things and we talked for a couple of hours. She needs to make a decision whether or not she wants me, she does like me, but realises it's not fair to keep me hanging on. One minute she's loving the idea of being with me, but the next she's worried I'm going to take away her free time. I really like her, she's gorgeous, funny, active [goes running and horse riding], we clicked straight away and can talk for hours. It's just so easy with her, she's always honest about things and I always know where I stand with her. I understand how she feels and know I shouldn't just wait around for her to make up her mind, but I dont want to pass on this opportunity to be with her as I [and I'm pretty sure she] thinks it could be something really great. I'd like to know what you guys think and what you would do in this type of situation.
Author Gettingtired Posted February 17, 2011 Author Posted February 17, 2011 Run. ------ LOL!!! Why do you say that?
lenny Posted February 17, 2011 Posted February 17, 2011 I think until she gets past her past you're not going to get anywhere with her. To stay with her would be a very time consuming slow moving relationship. It will take a very long time for her to trust you aren't like her ex - even though you didn't earn this distrust. If you think you can stick with her for the long haul, keep letting her push you away and only be half into the relationship, go for it.
Author Gettingtired Posted February 17, 2011 Author Posted February 17, 2011 If you think you can stick with her for the long haul, keep letting her push you away and only be half into the relationship, go for it. That's the thing, I'm torn between giving it a chance or just letting her go. At the end of the day though, if I let her go, I'll probably be single for ages again [like I usually am]. Then I think I might as well give it a try. But also on the other hand, I shouldn't just wait around for someone like that. She should either be willing to take a chance and compromise or not and give me a call when she's ready.
whichwayisup Posted February 17, 2011 Posted February 17, 2011 Since you say she's been honest with you, be honest back. Tell her how you feel about her and let her know that you do want a relationship but are willing to take things really slow, let her call the pace. With that said, since she has been in an abusive relationship and it's done damage to her, she needs to seek counselling to help her cope, to help get better so she can have healthy relationships and not have it affect her so much.
carhill Posted February 17, 2011 Posted February 17, 2011 OP, a few questions.... How many gorgeous girls have you not clicked with? How long were she and her abusive boyfriend together? How many men has she 'been' with since they broke up 18 months ago? None is not an honest answer. Any relevant family history? Dumping you on Valentine's Day is really good information about her psychology. It sounds like she did it via electrons and not in person. OK, you've been dating a few weeks so maybe that's OK (the electrons part). If you were her man, she'd be clinging to you like hot glue to weatherstrip. Her actions tell you who she really is. Don't believe everything women tell you. They lie. That's OK. It's human. Just accept it. Her ex wasn't really as bad as she's making him out to be. In fact, I bet she's still attracted to him, in her 23 year old way. USMC said it best, but I just like to type
Cee Posted February 17, 2011 Posted February 17, 2011 It sounds like she is enjoying her newly found independence. She's not ready for a relationship and loves being single. Her comments about her free time are indications that she is filling her life with healthy pursuits. People who are needy are waiting by the computer or phone. This is a hard thing to do, but show her you care for her welfare... and let her go. I know this sucks, but that's what I would do.
Author Gettingtired Posted February 17, 2011 Author Posted February 17, 2011 How many gorgeous girls have you not clicked with? Quite a few if I'm honest. How long were she and her abusive boyfriend together? For a year, maybe a year and a half. She said he started out as a really nice guy and it turned ugly. How many men has she 'been' with since they broke up 18 months ago? None is not an honest answer. From what she told me on Tuesday, she had a FWB guy in the village that she saw when it was convenient for her and convenient for him. Not sure if that was the only 1, but possible it was. [or at least that's what I want to believe]. Any relevant family history? Not sure what info in particular you're after but, parents still together, live 200 yards away, her sister is married with kids. She did leave home at 16, been in the Navy, moved around quite a bit. If you were her man, she'd be clinging to you like hot glue to weatherstrip. Her actions tell you who she really is. Don't believe everything women tell you. They lie. That's OK. It's human. Just accept it. Her ex wasn't really as bad as she's making him out to be. In fact, I bet she's still attracted to him, in her 23 year old way. USMC said it best, but I just like to type That's what I'm thinking. If her instincts and feelings are telling her she's not ready, she's obviously not and I should let her go. It's just that I so am ready and am getting really tired of sifting through all these women. . . . . . 30 years old and still haven't got lucky. . . . .
Author Gettingtired Posted February 17, 2011 Author Posted February 17, 2011 This is a hard thing to do, but show her you care for her welfare... and let her go. I know this sucks, but that's what I would do. If I'm perfectly honest, that's the way I'm swaying towards as well. . . . . Just my bloody luck really. I think I'm destined to be a bachelor FOREVER. . . . .
Cee Posted February 17, 2011 Posted February 17, 2011 I feel your frustration. I was single for a good long time before I found somebody appropriate. There were a few guys who were ALMOST right, but of course, almost doesn't cut it. The good part of this is you aren't clinging to false hope. You are free to move on now.
Author Gettingtired Posted February 17, 2011 Author Posted February 17, 2011 Cee - I know, very frustrated. Yes, I know where I stand at the moment and it's just going to either come down to her saying "Yes, lets do it" or me saying something along the lines of "It shouldn't be like this, you're obviously not ready, take now, bye bye then". Bloody women!!!
carhill Posted February 17, 2011 Posted February 17, 2011 OK, so she left what appears to be a relatively 'normal' family environment at sixteen, living somewhere else until joining the Navy at 18 or so, later meeting her nice guy boyfriend who turned abusive at around age 20. Since leaving that relationship, she has had, according to her, a FWB relationship of indeterminate length. She's a gorgeous girl, funny, and you 'click'. You're 30. How is this young lady matching up with your relationship and family history/dynamic and, adjunct to that, what is your purpose for dating her (or anyone)? As example, are you looking for a marital partner and someone to bear you children? A girlfriend? Companion? STR? What? When re-reading your OP, I note that her revelations aroused the protective and violent male tendencies in yourself, a quite normal reaction. Be aware that women are aware of that reaction. That's a program note. She's so used to doing what she wants when she wants and isn't sure if she's ready or maybe even willing to incorporate someone into things. 'I accept that. I'm looking for (insert your answer to my prior question on that topic) and we evidently are looking for different things at this time. Good luck in your search' You end it because you recognize the incompatibility. Be decisive and clear. No need to waffle or leave the door open. No woman with her life experience will doubt she can get that door back open if she wants to in the future. She knows exactly what she wants and right now it's not you. Be proactive. Be positive. Lastly, if you are looking for a life partner, try dating women your own age. Depending on how picky you are, and I assume you are, since you've 'not clicked' with 'quite a few' gorgeous girls, a sign that you have universal attractiveness, a quality woman your age might be harder to find, as many are already married, but you should find more parity in such a woman. OTOH, if your lifestyle matches up with the 23yo, all you need to do is let her in the door if/when she comes a knockin' if/when she makes up her mind. Win-win
Author Gettingtired Posted February 17, 2011 Author Posted February 17, 2011 (edited) Carhill - You're absolutely awesome dude! My purpose for dating her is to settle down with her, get married, kids etc etc. You're right, I need to tell her that this isn't going to happen and say goodbye to her. I'll admit I can be picky and you're right again. Most of the women my age are either single mothers or married or have long term boyfriends already. I'm going to explain to her it's obviously not the right time and say our goodbyes and let her know she can call me if/when she makes up her mind and if she still fancies me and I'm still single and see what happens. Thanks everyone, you have been most helpful. I love this site and every poster on it [just about ] Edited February 17, 2011 by Gettingtired typo
laRubiaBonita Posted February 17, 2011 Posted February 17, 2011 i totally agree with CH on this (cause he IS awesome!). and i just wanted to add- when i was 23 i was soooo not looking to get married..... maybe i could have a serious BF, but maybe not. i was into hanging out with friends and partying and kissing and experimenting.
Author Gettingtired Posted February 17, 2011 Author Posted February 17, 2011 i totally agree with CH on this (cause he IS awesome!). and i just wanted to add- when i was 23 i was soooo not looking to get married..... maybe i could have a serious BF, but maybe not. i was into hanging out with friends and partying and kissing and experimenting. I know, that's another thing that sways me towards letting her go. She's only 23 and still likes to go out and party with her friends. I've been there and done all that already. But saying that though some girls her age like to settle down, get married and have kids.
USMCHokie Posted February 17, 2011 Posted February 17, 2011 LOL!!! Why do you say that? Our "relationship" is currently up in the air at the moment. She originally dumped me on Valentine's Day, but I went round the day after to collect some of my things and we talked for a couple of hours. She needs to make a decision whether or not she wants me, she does like me, but realises it's not fair to keep me hanging on. One minute she's loving the idea of being with me, but the next she's worried I'm going to take away her free time. That's all that matters. She doesn't know what she wants and is playing this immature bullsh*t push/pull game with you. The instant you get that first push from her, you leave. Don't hang around to be pulled back in. Also, she sounds like a nutjob.
carhill Posted February 17, 2011 Posted February 17, 2011 That's what I was talking about wrt 'lifestyle'. It's a matter of 'differences', not right or wrong. If a common ground is not found *voluntarily*, then those differences can/will be irreconcilable. If she was 23, recalled the abusive ex as merely a distant and unpleasant memory and wanted to 'settle' down and get married and have kids, do you think she would've dumped you the way she did on Valentine's Day? She waffles IMO for two reasons: 1. Part of her, the 'wants' part, sees you as a good man and that part of her doesn't want to let you go 2. You validate her and make her feel loved, attractive and wanted. That's a drug of sorts. For some people, it's an addictive drug. Hard to go cold turkey.
Author Gettingtired Posted February 17, 2011 Author Posted February 17, 2011 You're both right. I'm calling her in about an hour to talk to her about it. I'll post back then with what happened. Thanks again guys.
laRubiaBonita Posted February 17, 2011 Posted February 17, 2011 But saying that though some girls her age like to settle down, get married and have kids. well sure, there are- but i would place a safe bet that the mature 23 YO ready to get married and have babies, are less common than the 23 YOs who have just started life/ out of college(or close to) and are living it up as an adult.
Ay Diesel T Posted February 17, 2011 Posted February 17, 2011 well sure, there are- but i would place a safe bet that the mature 23 YO ready to get married and have babies, are less common than the 23 YOs who have just started life/ out of college(or close to) and are living it up as an adult. What about the ones that are living it up as an adult and not being sexually loose? Where are THEY at?
Author Gettingtired Posted February 18, 2011 Author Posted February 18, 2011 Well, we spoke for nearly 2 hours on the phone about us last night. She does want to carry on seeing me, but slowly to start of with. Which is fair enough. Every time I've started seeing someone I've always been full steam ahead, like a bull in a china shop. I'm 30 now and that method hasn't worked for me so far, so maybe it's time to change my ways. I know we all come on here for advice and guidance but ATEOTD we all make our own decisions. I want to thank you all for your input it has helped me and is still helping me every day. She's told me she can do 1 or 2 nights a week to start with, which I can accept and has asked I think about it for a couple of days to see if I can do that. I'm thinking, what have I got to lose? If I dont go ahead with it, I'll probably always wonder what could've been. Maybe it wont last and we'll break up, not everything lasts forever, but what if this did and because I wanted everything NOW NOW NOW and let her go I could be passing up on something really good, for the both of us. I've only seen her once this week and only for a couple of hours and I'm ok with that. This time feels so much different to past relationships. She's always honest with me, I always know where I stand with her. I do have concerns about her lack of communication on Monday as Hokie pointed out. I need to know that she'll talk to me first rather than just sack me off at the drop of a hat if she has any concerns about the things I'm doing or where we're going etc. So I'm pretty sure I'm going to give it a go. What the hell!!
carhill Posted February 18, 2011 Posted February 18, 2011 Good luck! FWIW, I felt the same way at your age. Gotta live it....
Author Gettingtired Posted February 18, 2011 Author Posted February 18, 2011 Thanks CH. I'm seeing her on Sunday and going to voice my concerns, ask her questions etc. Get the info I want and let her know I'm ready to take the plunge. Isn't life and aren't relationships GREAT!!!
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