I've been such an idiot

February 17, 2011

I've posted on some other threads but I think this is the right one now...

I have been engaged to my girlfriend (ex girlfriend) for the last 2 years out of an 8 year relationship.

For the last 2-3 years, I have grown more and more complacent, unhappy and I guess depressed. Avoiding spending time with her friends (and mine) eating too much and basically being as unattractive as humanly possible!

I had it all - the decent job, nice car and amazing fiance but it didn't do it for me, I really can't explain it, I had nothing to be down about but I really was down, down, down.

I used to be disappointed in everything she did, would tell her off for silly things, moan at her for no good reason and just expect her to be there for me at the drop of a hat.

I don't know why, but at the beginning of Jan I started to see the light - took her out for a nice meal and sort of re proposed, saying I was sorry for being such a cock and I want to marry her more than anything, to my delight she accepted and said of course she still wanted to marry me! I was over the moon and really felt like I'd turned a corner...

...3 hours later we're back home and she's all upset, so I ask her what the matter is and she just says "I can't do this any any more' ! I ask her what she means and she tells me she wants out. After a couple of hours of us both crying she goes up her mums and that's where she's stayed for the last 6 weeks.

For the last 6 weeks, I have pleaded with her not to leave me, promised everything would be different (and it would!) taken her out for a meal, sent her flowers, written her letters and burned CD's (I cringe now) and she just tells me she doesn't feel the same anymore and she doesn't want to try to get back on track! She's such a strong person, beautiful, honest and amazing - and I've been a total twat for treating her so bad for so long, I don't blame her for leaving me but I really want her to give it another try.

I have just started NC (a bit late I know but I didn't know about this site!!) and she emailed yesterday asking how I am - I haven't replied.

It will be difficult to avoid her for the next few months as we are selling the lovely home we bough together 4 years ago due to the split!

I feel like my world has ended - don't have many good friends and am totally lost. She swears there's no one else and I believe her but there will be at some point I guess and the thought of that makes me want to ride a very fast motorbike into a very large stationary object!!

WHY DO I ALWAYS LOSE SOME THNG BEFORE I REALISE HOW GOOD IT WAS :0(

I can't stop thinking about her and ALL I want to do is make it up to her. can't stop crying - feels like I've needed to cry for the last 3 years and it's all coming out now!

Rant over - any advice would be really welcome. Thanks for listening.

February 17, 2011

It sounds like she must have been really hurt by a lot of things over a long period of time, and perhaps those wounds went deep.

I was in a marriage with similar dynamics at play. He withdrew and didn't talk a lot of the time, and reacted to any attempts to discuss things as (and I quote) 'torture'. After awhile, I became conditioned to feel like any feelings I had that he couldn't deal with were bad and wrong. I went from being a very healthy, confident young woman to a very unhealthy, overweight, deeply saddened individual. On his side of it, I think he was very unhappy with my character (he's a passive person and I'm assertive, he seemed to want to revel in me doing all the things he couldn't and wanted me to be the one who took care of creating friend circle, but did not want to deal with the other aspects of my type of personality if it meant he had to deal with examining himself critically). I think he wanted me to be a whole lot of things I wasn't and I think I knew it, but he never talked to me about any of it.

It sounds like perhaps things were not discussed between the two of you, and when that happens that creates the perfect environment for harboring anger and resentment. I know in my relationship, there did come a point where it did feel like all was lost because the thought of trying to talk about it and heal seemed futile. I know I personally got exhausted, and he had disregarded my feelings so many times by ignoring me or trying to pretend everything was fine that it got to a point I think I just shut down in a lot of ways.

I don't feel the anger I used to toward him, I can see clearer now that he didn't have the tools to handle it any other way than he did. I forgive him in a lot of ways, I don't think of him as some evil person. In his case he cheated and literally left overnight, it sounds to me that you have tried to handle this the best way you've known how to while still being respectful of her.

I'm assuming this was your first marriage? It might be cold comfort and sound really, really trite, but I'm finding more and more that first marriages really do seem to come with a very harsh learning curve in a lot of ways. Personally, when I look back at my own marriage I can see so much more clearly now how little I really understood in terms of what I wanted and needed in a marriage, and what sort of personality would be best for me as a partner. I was so confused and anguished at the time, and did not understand the root of all the things I was feeling while I was still in the marriage. I wanted us to be compatible so badly because I loved so much about him, but in the end it was made abundantly clear that we did not work well together.

It might be best that you two are apart right now, as horrible as I know it feels. You had an epiphany about how much you loved her, but from her side it might not have taken away whatever pain she had hanging around from the previous years. You also sound as if you have some issues with her type of personality that won't magically disappear even though you obviously care for her very deeply. The only thing that would probably help would be marriage counseling, but if the ship has sailed for that to be an option, I think you might just have to accept the situation for what it is.

The worst thing you can do is beat the hell out of yourself and start painting yourself as a terrible person. If you do, you will believe it and you will just tumble down into dangerous depression. It won't help you get her back either, because she's not going to want to come back just because you feel guilty about something. It's simply not constructive, it's the opposite, it's de-structive.

Feeling pain and regret and all the emotions is unavoidable but beneath it all you've got to keep control. It's good you're posting here, and I would suggest not isolating yourself. When my marriage ended I just wanted to crawl under a rock and die, but I forced myself to get out of the house and go out with friends (and make new friends, which helped a lot). I felt like crap about myself, that became very obvious, and I had to start working on liking myself again and getting back in touch with myself as an independent person. Being solitary and reflecting is good, but if you isolate yourself completely for long stretches it will lead to bad things, trust me.

Right now, I would suggest just keep posting here and venting, and get yourself active and out of the house as much as you can. It sounds like whatever the situation, you both need some distance from each other right now. If all you're thinking about is "How can I get her back RIGHT NOW?", it will probably make the situation worse because you're not giving yourself room to reflect.

I've seen marriages with separation periods, some that have divorced and some that have gotten back together. The common thing is that they all had separation periods where each party had time to regroup and get in touch with themselves. It's so painful, I know, but try to do what's best for yourself right now. I know I didn't get my marriage back but I learned so much from it, stuff I never would have learned if we'd jumped right back into it. I had time to really see where I personally felt I had gone wrong, and instead of beating the crap out of myself for it I just made up my mind to A) Figure out why I acted that way in the first place B) Sort out the issues behind it and C) Never repeat that behavior in future relationships.

Again, I know this might be cold comfort right now but I hope some of this may have helped. Hang in there, and keep posting.

February 17, 2011

Wow! Thanks Whimsical Ninja!!

Sounds like you went through alot and I'm glad you seem to have taken a few positives from it - I hope my ex can do the same after being with such an idiot.

It hurts soo much to think that I behaved in the way I did and for so long, she didn't deserve any of it and I can see like a blinding light what an total arse hole I have been, I'd do anything to turn back the clock and show her what she truly means to me.

I have been thinking about sending her the following on email next time she gets in touch -

[FONT=Calibri][sIZE=3]Sorry I haven't been in touch - I’m going with the 'no contact' rule. It’s real tough cos all I want to do is talk to you but I know it will just prove the insanity theory again and I think we’ve both had enough of going round in circles!!

Someone said recently ‘you haven’t lived until you’ve had your heart broken’ and I can see what they mean – this process (although it’s the hardest thing I’ve ever had to deal with), will end up making me a stronger person and has certainly put things into perspective for me:[/sIZE][/FONT]