HappinessSeeker Posted February 17, 2011 Posted February 17, 2011 Hi Everyone, I finally broke things off with my MM last Tuesday, Feb 8th. We would still talk, but we saw each other yesterday and the reality finally hit me, and I feel so empty. Our affair barely lasted 4 months, but we were friends for almost 2 years. I really wanted to believe he loved me, but I'm starting to realize that it was all my crazy fantasy. I'm not sure how to get through my pain and loneliness. I would like to get out and start dating again, but i just don't have the desire. The part that really tears me up is that his life is just going on, he can happily go back to his wife and kids and move on to the next one, while I'm crying my eyes out. I'm also worried that I won't find anyone else that measures up, my relationship with him I think has set my expectaions high for the next guy. Is there anything I can do to get through this?
East7 Posted February 17, 2011 Posted February 17, 2011 The part that really tears me up is that his life is just going on, he can happily go back to his wife and kids and move on to the next one, while I'm crying my eyes out. I'm also worried that I won't find anyone else that measures up, my relationship with him I think has set my expectaions high for the next guy. Is there anything I can do to get through this? Hi HS, welcome on LS. No matter how much your xMM was wonderful he had a major flaw you are overlooking : his integrity! If he had some, he would go on with the friendship without ruining it. You need to cut contact with him ASAP.
TigerCub Posted February 17, 2011 Posted February 17, 2011 (edited) Hi Everyone, I finally broke things off with my MM last Tuesday, Feb 8th. We would still talk, but we saw each other yesterday and the reality finally hit me, and I feel so empty. Our affair barely lasted 4 months, but we were friends for almost 2 years. I really wanted to believe he loved me, but I'm starting to realize that it was all my crazy fantasy. I'm not sure how to get through my pain and loneliness. I would like to get out and start dating again, but i just don't have the desire. The part that really tears me up is that his life is just going on, he can happily go back to his wife and kids and move on to the next one, while I'm crying my eyes out. I'm sorry for your pain, but I think that part in bold is truly what hurts the most. I know that for me, it was that idea that killed me. But (I don't know if I did this to ease the pain or if it was logical thinking) - but I thought to myself, well the MM isn't that happy at home anyways. Sure, its probably not as bad as they make it seem, but its not a happy home where they are satisfied if they go out and cheat. So MM probably isn't that happy with his life anyways. When you see it that way, it actually will make you appreciate how you have the advantage by walking away. You're single and you are free to date or have fun with anyone without guilt and complications - meanwhile, he's trapped and doesn't have that luxury. He's probably got kids too (more responsibility and crap tying him down) and you're free. Don't see it as he's back and everything is sunshine and roses for him - because it never was. I completely understand your pain - but it will get better. ***HUGS*** I'm also worried that I won't find anyone else that measures up, my relationship with him I think has set my expectaions high for the next guy. Is there anything I can do to get through this? I agree with East. You're overlooking MAJOR flaws with this guy. I hope that you will find someone much better - because it's not that hard to find better than crap I know from my experience (I was dating while involved with xMM) that yes, finding that same chemistry is hard, but you can't fall into the trap of comparing JUST the chemistry. When you're ready to date (and honestly hon, its probably not right this minute) evaluate people on chemistry PLUS so much more. Like honesty, loyalty, how the treat you (them making you a priority) and making you feel special, not being cowardly conflict avoiders, being smart, being funny, etc... I am sorry for your pain, but in time you will see that you deserved so much better than him. Edited February 17, 2011 by TigerCub
Heather1 Posted February 17, 2011 Posted February 17, 2011 Hi Everyone, I finally broke things off with my MM last Tuesday, Feb 8th. We would still talk, but we saw each other yesterday and the reality finally hit me, and I feel so empty. Our affair barely lasted 4 months, but we were friends for almost 2 years. I really wanted to believe he loved me, but I'm starting to realize that it was all my crazy fantasy. I'm not sure how to get through my pain and loneliness. I would like to get out and start dating again, but i just don't have the desire. The part that really tears me up is that his life is just going on, he can happily go back to his wife and kids and move on to the next one, while I'm crying my eyes out. I'm also worried that I won't find anyone else that measures up, my relationship with him I think has set my expectaions high for the next guy. Is there anything I can do to get through this? Keep really busy!! I drag myself to the gym & swim & give myself a 2 hour cell phone break a day. Measures up to what? Cheating on his W in 4 month increments?
whichwayisup Posted February 17, 2011 Posted February 17, 2011 Hi Everyone, I finally broke things off with my MM last Tuesday, Feb 8th. We would still talk, but we saw each other yesterday and the reality finally hit me, and I feel so empty. Our affair barely lasted 4 months, but we were friends for almost 2 years. I really wanted to believe he loved me, but I'm starting to realize that it was all my crazy fantasy. I'm not sure how to get through my pain and loneliness. I would like to get out and start dating again, but i just don't have the desire. The part that really tears me up is that his life is just going on, he can happily go back to his wife and kids and move on to the next one, while I'm crying my eyes out. I'm also worried that I won't find anyone else that measures up, my relationship with him I think has set my expectaions high for the next guy. Is there anything I can do to get through this? Sorry that you're hurting. Glad you broke it off 4 months in, imagine having to try to walk away after 2-5 years from now! Don't date until you're ready. Now is the time to grieve and work through the pain, so you can find happiness and peace again. And you will! I promise you that. It's just going to take some time.. You WILL find love again with someone else, though right now isn't the time to worry about it. The next guy won't be married, or have a girlfriend, that's a huge plus! You will be a priority and not second fiddle! I think you've built your exMM into someone he wasn't, the fantasy and what if's were based on affair dynamics. Not saying what you felt wasn't real, it was, but when you put it in the perspective of things, 4 month affair - isn't a long term relationship. Stay strong, be around friends and family to help you through this. As for exMM, don't get into the revenge-mode thoughts, that he gets off free. This guy now gets to go home and live with the guilt that he cheated on his wife, knowing that there's always a chance his wife *may* find out the truth... YOu're better off without him, and one day you will see this.
Hinder Posted February 17, 2011 Posted February 17, 2011 I'm so sorry for your pain. My affair with my MM ended just a like over 24hrs ago and it's awful, the worst pain I've every felt. Go gently, be kind to yourself xx
lilbunny Posted February 17, 2011 Posted February 17, 2011 Hi Everyone, I finally broke things off with my MM last Tuesday, Feb 8th. We would still talk, but we saw each other yesterday and the reality finally hit me, and I feel so empty. Our affair barely lasted 4 months, but we were friends for almost 2 years. I really wanted to believe he loved me, but I'm starting to realize that it was all my crazy fantasy. I'm not sure how to get through my pain and loneliness. I would like to get out and start dating again, but i just don't have the desire. The part that really tears me up is that his life is just going on, he can happily go back to his wife and kids and move on to the next one, while I'm crying my eyes out. I'm also worried that I won't find anyone else that measures up, my relationship with him I think has set my expectaions high for the next guy. Is there anything I can do to get through this? Hi there, I am sorry you are hurting. I think you need to give yourself some time and space and when you really do feel like dating then do it. I was in a bad way for a long time and I had counselling to make sense of it all. It really helped me get some perspective and work through my feelings. Be strong and take care of yourself. As others have said be around friends or family, fill up your diary, treat yourself, be kind to you, you need it right now.
carrie999 Posted February 18, 2011 Posted February 18, 2011 I agree with everyone else here. This all feels horrendous and insurmountable now, but it will get better. If you were really happy with him, you wouldn't have felt the need to end it. As someone else pointed out, better now than years from now, when you've invested even more in this man. Surround yourself with friends and family. Or don't, if you can't tell them or it makes it more painful to have to talk about it. Focus on yourself. Get a new haircut, start a new workout routine, plan new goals. Don't even think about dating anyone new unless you meet someone extraordinary (and single!)...and if you do, take it slowly. Don't get involved with a new man until you can understand that you you have not set your expectations too high with this one!!! He wasn't even available, and you may have discovered you weren't his first OW. I completely understand what you mean by this- my MM is everything I ever wanted, and a perfect match for me. When/if it ends it will be very difficult to imagine meeting someone who so fully fulfills me in every sense...but that doesn't change the fact that he has never been "mine" and hasn't chosen ME. Let xMM set your standards higher in two regards: 1.) look for someone who makes you as happy as he did, however he did, and 2.) look for someone who is available to you and chooses to invest in a relationship with ONLY YOU. In the meantime, let yourself grieve and don't beat yourself up in any way. You deserve to be happy.
Sharon1961 Posted February 18, 2011 Posted February 18, 2011 Ya know, I think the idea that the guy you loved and gave yourself to so freely gets to go home and have love and happiness with his family instead of tears is a powerful depressant. What others have said is so true though. What emptiness he must feel in that place to seek outside of "everything" in order to find some fulfillment. He must have serious issues there. But instead of trying to resolve them he brought a third party into his dysfunctional mess. Really, when you got involved with him you became a part of the relationship. So, all their dysfunction came along with it. You were a piece in their dysfunctional mess. In that way, you are the lucky one now. You are out and they are both still in it. And in a couple of years you will have moved on and they will be in even worse shape. Whatever you do during the next few days don't envy them! :bunny::bunny:
Author HappinessSeeker Posted February 18, 2011 Author Posted February 18, 2011 Thank You so much everyone! As much as I know I did the right thing, I've been having feelings of regret about calling it off. I know that sounds crazy because I was unhappy when we were "together", but now i feel so empty. I want so much to do SOMETHING, but I really have no desire to do ANYTHING but lay in bed and cry. Thank goodness I found this site because I haven't been able to talk to anyone about this, mainly because I've been so embarrassed. It's so nice to be around people who have been through this and can relate, Thank all you so much. I'm going to try to take it one day at a time, and hopefully it will get easier.
TigerCub Posted February 18, 2011 Posted February 18, 2011 Thank You so much everyone! As much as I know I did the right thing, I've been having feelings of regret about calling it off. I know that sounds crazy because I was unhappy when we were "together", but now i feel so empty. Sweetie, that's your addiction talking. When you feel you need another "Fix" you tell yourself that it wasn't so bad when you were on the drug, and you might even say 'ok, it was bad, but this is worse' - its just withdrawal right now. It'll pass in time. You have the right idea - 1 step at a time. You'll make it!
mbm69 Posted February 18, 2011 Posted February 18, 2011 Thank You so much everyone! I want so much to do SOMETHING, but I really have no desire to do ANYTHING but lay in bed and cry. Thank goodness I found this site because I haven't been able to talk to anyone about this, mainly because I've been so embarrassed. It's so nice to be around people who have been through this and can relate, Thank all you so much. I'm getting over an affair as well but I wasn't the one who ended it. I am dealing with it by keeping VERY busy. Burying myself in work. Spending time with my friends and family. Avoiding all triggers that remind me of OM. Telling myself every time I feel down that I am better than him and that he didn't deserve me. Do not underestimate the power of positive thinking. It works. If you don't have a hobby, take up one. I can relate to not having anyone to talk about things. I couldn't talk about it to anyone either because all of my friends know my spouse. It was a relief to be able to come here and spill my guts out. So continue to post, there will always be someone here to lift your spirits up.
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