tiger20 Posted February 17, 2011 Posted February 17, 2011 To me it wouldn't make sense for a married man to go after the other man that had an affair with his wife. Why get upset with the other man especially if he didn't even know your wife is married? It's not his fault. It's the wife's decision to be unfaithful that is at fault here. If anything I would buy the other guy a box of chocolates and some flowers because he did me a favor by revealing my wife's character. It doesn't matter if other men hit on your wife. What matters is how your wife reacts to it. Does she tell him to leave her alone? If not then there's a reason.
East7 Posted February 17, 2011 Posted February 17, 2011 To me it wouldn't make sense for a married man to go after the other man that had an affair with his wife. Why get upset with the other man especially if he didn't even know your wife is married? It's not his fault. It's the wife's decision to be unfaithful that is at fault here. If anything I would buy the other guy a box of chocolates and some flowers because he did me a favor by revealing my wife's character. It doesn't matter if other men hit on your wife. What matters is how your wife reacts to it. Does she tell him to leave her alone? If not then there's a reason. :lmao: Good idea dude! If she cheats on you prepare a nice chocolate box for the OM. When you will be grown up enough to have a wife, you will love doing it. Tiger you need to stop coping and paste on LS the Doc.Love "System". Others have read it before you
denise_xo Posted February 17, 2011 Posted February 17, 2011 :lmao: Good idea dude! If she cheats on you prepare a nice chocolate box for the OM. When you will be grown up enough to have a wife, you will love doing it. Tiger you need to stop coping and paste on LS the Doc.Love "System". Others have read it before you I was wondering where it all came from
TigerCub Posted February 17, 2011 Posted February 17, 2011 :lmao: Good idea dude! If she cheats on you prepare a nice chocolate box for the OM. When you will be grown up enough to have a wife, you will love doing it. Tiger you need to stop coping and paste on LS the Doc.Love "System". Others have read it before you Hey East - maybe you should tell xMW's H - there could be some chocolate in it for you As to Tiger's question: I'm guessing the H doesn't know the full story - so even if this OM didn't know that the woman was married - H probably wouldn't get that version of the story. True, the BS should truly be upset with and very disappointed with the spouse that betrayed them, but I'm guessing the initial reaction is just anger and to get revenge and kick the a$$ of the person who (in their eyes) intruded on the M. In time, I'm sure the BS would fully acknowledge that the fault lies with the WS, but initial reaction comes out of extreme anger and pain - its not gonna be the most rational.
bentnotbroken Posted February 17, 2011 Posted February 17, 2011 Hey East - maybe you should tell xMW's H - there could be some chocolate in it for you As to Tiger's question: I'm guessing the H doesn't know the full story - so even if this OM didn't know that the woman was married - H probably wouldn't get that version of the story. True, the BS should truly be upset with and very disappointed with the spouse that betrayed them, but I'm guessing the initial reaction is just anger and to get revenge and kick the a$$ of the person who (in their eyes) intruded on the M. In time, I'm sure the BS would fully acknowledge that the fault lies with the WS, but initial reaction comes out of extreme anger and pain - its not gonna be the most rational. How much time? I am years out and yes my situation was different in that OW knew he was married and knew his family. The blame is placed equally on them both. She knew what she was doing was wrong even if she didn't know me. Not knowing a person is married is one thing, but that isn't the case with at least half of AP. And sometimes when they do find out the person is married, they don't end the affair. Do I advocate violence, no. Do I think an AP might deserve it...I would be lying if I said no. Do I think a box of chocolates is in order because somebody rationalized their affair a civic duty...only if the chocolate is covering cow pies because it is just another form of bull shiggity.
East7 Posted February 17, 2011 Posted February 17, 2011 Hey East - maybe you should tell xMW's H - there could be some chocolate in it for you Yeahh lol (((((Hugs to you TC ))))))) This is a copy of an article which basically says : if she cheats on you, don't be mad with the OM but with your GF. The OM just triggered or revealed the real personality of your GF (cheater), you can almost be thankful that he made possible to you to see who you are in relationship with. The box of chocolates is ironic but tiger20 took it at face value Doc.Love doesn't speak about W and H relationship though, he says "your GF". There are lot more things to take in consideration where there is a family I guess, a point that tiger20 missed.. He also has a "theory" that basically says : if she cheated on you and you forgive her easily and take her back, she will loose respect in you; which is somehow true IMO.
TigerCub Posted February 17, 2011 Posted February 17, 2011 Yeahh lol (((((Hugs to you TC ))))))) (((HUGS to you EAST))) This is a copy of an article which basically says : if she cheats on you, don't be mad with the OM but with your GF. The OM just triggered or revealed the real personality of your GF (cheater), you can almost be thankful that he made possible to you to see who you are in relationship with. I gotta say - there is a lot of truth in the bold - except for 1 minor thing they seemed to overlook - instinct and emotion - so being angry at all sides is kind of unavoidable. The box of chocolates is ironic but tiger20 took it at face value haha .... aaaaah to take everything at face value - glad those days for me are gone Doc.Love doesn't speak about W and H relationship though, he says "your GF". There are lot more things to take in consideration where there is a family I guess, a point that tiger20 missed.. Very good point. I've never even heard of this site - from this 1 example, they seem to almost have the right idea - but are way too simplistic. He also has a "theory" that basically says : if she cheated on you and you forgive her easily and take her back, she will loose respect in you; which is somehow true IMO. I definitely gotta agree with that. And its not just with a guy forgiving a cheating girl , its definitely the same the other way around too.
East7 Posted February 17, 2011 Posted February 17, 2011 I've never even heard of this site - from this 1 example, they seem to almost have the right idea - but are way too simplistic. . I wanted to PM you the links but it is impossible, no PM option for your acct...
Whimsical_Ninja Posted February 17, 2011 Posted February 17, 2011 (edited) Easy. Because when the guy finds out, he instantly wants to punch someone and he can't hit girls so.......guess who he CAN hit? No, seriously, I think it's a lot of reasons. I'm a female, but I definitely had the desire to beat the living crap out of the girl my ex cheated with and left me for. The first person I wanted to punch was my ex of course, though I didn't, but I also wanted to punch her. For me, I suppose the heart of it was "You went after him knowing he was married and you didn't give a s**t about how his wife would feel, since you obviously can't empathize to save your life, I'll give you some pain you CAN feel". It was all about wanting some kind of validation and feeling it was unfair that I was in such pain while obviously she was over the moon. I also felt this overwhelming anger at what a coward I thought she was doing what she did having never met me or faced me. I guess I felt like "You want to do s**t to hurt me, have the balls to do it to my face". I never did anything, I just sucked it up and got through the 'revenge fantasy' period quietly, punching some cardboard boxes to exorcise the angry demons. I had a guy friend who was cheated on and immediately went out and beat the guy up (nothing heinous, black eye and some sore ribs). He knew the dude though, so in that case it was personal. He did not feel good about it, though, and in hindsight he wished he'd never done it (even though the guy didn't call any cops or anything). He said he was just blinded with anger, basically his pain took a road straight to anger. He was angry at the girl first and foremost, but even though all he did was yell at her, she called him crazy and dangerous (he never laid a finger on her and he rarely ever raises his voice, she was just jumping on a reason to make him the bad guy). I don't think he knew what to do with all of that anger, and since this guy was part of the current painful situation, that's where he decided to go. From personal experience, I can attest that rational thought is nearly impossible when someone cheats and you find out, not right away. I remember I used to give advice from the outside perspective because it was all logic, then when it happened to me I realized that your brain is sort of blown apart and you're so hurt you can't even process it all at first. I think it explains why even the calmest, most rational, people wind up trashing their SO's car or throwing stuff out on the lawn when cheating is involved. When I got more distance and perspective, I understood very logically that it would have been a dumb move to attack either of them in any way, that it wouldn't solve anything or make anything better. That it would have just reflected terribly on me and left me saddled with guilt and regret in an already painful situation. I think maybe I knew that deep down at the beginning and that's why I never did anything, but I definitely felt that urge for all the reasons I illustrated above. When something like that happens, it takes every ounce of energy to stay sane and keep your s**t together for sure! Edited February 17, 2011 by Whimsical_Ninja contextual errors
TigerCub Posted February 17, 2011 Posted February 17, 2011 I wanted to PM you the links but it is impossible, no PM option for your acct... I didn't even know what my PM settings were. They're enabled now
1956peace Posted February 17, 2011 Posted February 17, 2011 Hi there, These are my thoughts, we are all raised with the rules of life what is wrong and right in this world, when you marry someone you make a promise to them to forsake all others and to endure the good and bad in that promise. At no time is it acceptable to sleep with or have any kind of relationship with any member of the opposite sex. You respect your partner if the relationship isn't good, end that first and then move on with other relationships....... So in fact the spouse that is cheating is responsible for honoring the promises they have made to their spouses............ Any decision other than that is WRONG. period. As far as the OW/OM I feel that they also were raised to respect other peoples choices and that they don't have any right to interfere in that union....... I think the world also expects them to respect and honor their fellow man/woman...............I think we have rules in the sexes amongst ourselves, I think that women that cheat and betray other women are the women that the rest of us warn each other about, the woman's code......just the way it is, it's almost worst to betray our own kind then to betray a man. Once you are labelled that kind of person there isn't a woman out there that will ever trust you again.......... I think men have the same kind of rules amongst themselves...........men they can respect and look up to and men that are dogs among me......... So I think that everyone knows what is expected of them and what is right in this world, it's the real men and women that do the right thing................ that respect man kind............1956peace
waltonways Posted February 19, 2011 Posted February 19, 2011 To me it wouldn't make sense for a married man to go after the other man that had an affair with his wife. Why get upset with the other man especially if he didn't even know your wife is married? It's not his fault. It's the wife's decision to be unfaithful that is at fault here. If anything I would buy the other guy a box of chocolates and some flowers because he did me a favor by revealing my wife's character. It doesn't matter if other men hit on your wife. What matters is how your wife reacts to it. Does she tell him to leave her alone? If not then there's a reason. Because the fact that another man had his wife attacks and downgrades his sense of manhood and that's his only means to attain some of that power back. Anger gets the best of people no matter how senseless or innocent the situation may seem to an outsider.
wheelwright Posted February 19, 2011 Posted February 19, 2011 I have been victim and perpetrator in infidelity. I never felt any anger to OW. Though I was disappointed by a friend - but I already knew she had that in her. I was put in a situation once where I spent social time with an OW after the encounter with my partner, and I felt it had happened but was lied to. That was unpleasant, and I was very clear when I spoke up about how wrong I found that. I wasn't angry with the OW though. She was civil to me, but not creepy. What was she supposed to do? Isn't feeling angry with people about you and not their behaviour? Disappointment, worn down in the heart, jaded, upset, peripheral. But if these feelings make you feel angry, then I wonder if you have an 'issue' with it in a deeper way. After all, there is a natural and understandable side to sleeping with people you are drawn to. For me, I was briefly angry with xMOM when I felt he had deliberately confused me. The perceived malice made me angry. And I have an issue with malice.
Iconoclast Posted February 19, 2011 Posted February 19, 2011 I would utterly destroy the invader. Physically, mentally, emotionally, financially. I would dedicate my life to it. You know before entering an affair that there will be consequences. I would make sure they are experienced. Only was out is if they didn't know she was married. I wouldn't harm an innocent. Guess i'd have to send the chocolates then. My family is my pack. I will guard it with my life.
wheelwright Posted February 19, 2011 Posted February 19, 2011 I would utterly destroy the invader. Physically, mentally, emotionally, financially. I would dedicate my life to it. You know before entering an affair that there will be consequences. I would make sure they are experienced. Only was out is if they didn't know she was married. I wouldn't harm an innocent. Guess i'd have to send the chocolates then. My family is my pack. I will guard it with my life. Gosh, what would you do to a murderer? What are the consequences to you of 'destroying' someone's life? I can't help thinking this must be tongue in cheek. The very idea that someone may actually feel like this makes me think whoever thought up exclusive M was short-sighted. Don't you see that it's a cultural thing? That sex outside of M may be an honest expression of a variety of feelings? Can I ask if you believe in capital punishment for murderers? Because this might give me an idea of our differing mindsets. But it's a wind up, no?
bentnotbroken Posted February 19, 2011 Posted February 19, 2011 Gosh, what would you do to a murderer? What are the consequences to you of 'destroying' someone's life? I can't help thinking this must be tongue in cheek. The very idea that someone may actually feel like this makes me think whoever thought up exclusive M was short-sighted. Don't you see that it's a cultural thing? That sex outside of M may be an honest expression of a variety of feelings? Can I ask if you believe in capital punishment for murderers? Because this might give me an idea of our differing mindsets. But it's a wind up, no? No and no and yes.
Iconoclast Posted February 19, 2011 Posted February 19, 2011 Gosh, what would you do to a murderer? Probably laugh. There's little I could do that compares to the brutality of prison. What are the consequences to you of 'destroying' someone's life? Don't really know. Not too concerned. I can imagine lots of negative things. I can't help thinking this must be tongue in cheek. The very idea that someone may actually feel like this makes me think whoever thought up exclusive M was short-sighted. No. Quite serious actually. Don't get your 2nd sentence. Don't you see that it's a cultural thing? That sex outside of M may be an honest expression of a variety of feelings? I'm dense, you'll have to go a little further. Can I ask if you believe in capital punishment for murderers? Because this might give me an idea of our differing mindsets. Certainly. I do not believe in capital punishment. For a myriad of reasons. The most prominent being that it is beyond horrific that the state could execute an innocent, and has. I only support executions of those that request it.
seren Posted February 19, 2011 Posted February 19, 2011 Oh I understand the initial rage thing and I am so not aggressive, assertive yep, but to physically, nope strike that to hurt another goes against everything I hold to be true, BUT, on D Day I had to tell H to leave the house for an hour or two or I really thought I might hurt him if he caught me in the kitchen (far too many sharp things). I have never felt so much anger, ever. I also went to look for the OW, even though my head was saying WTF, it is his 'fault', there was simply no rationality, none, zip, zilch nada. Once I had calmed down I knew I couldn't and wouldn't want to be within striking distance from her, so I made sure I wasn't. After a day or two, that calmed down, but I still didn't know if I could keep my hands in my pockets. I have never felt so dammed angry, frustrated and unable to do anything but be angry as it was easier to be angry than sad. Had I acted on my impulses I wouldn't have forgiven myself, I don't own H he is not my possesion, so to have the you took what was mine viewpoint and resort to violence makes no sense. But I get the enabling anger, just don't think it right to act on it.
SoMovinOn Posted February 19, 2011 Posted February 19, 2011 The origins on the H wanting to beat the OM go back to when women were the property of their man. A woman didn't make decisions, she did what she was told. SO... if she had sex with another man, it would have been because he told her to. "That man done me wrong and took my woman!" I have always thought it odd that the BS would feel the desire to react more violently towards the OM/OW, who owes them nothing, rather than their WS - who made commitments and promises.
seren Posted February 19, 2011 Posted February 19, 2011 I don't know if it is just the man/woman ownership thing. Anger is primal, all rationality flies out of the window when you are hurting so badly especially if for months you have been told there is nothing going on. If someone hurt my son I would want to hurt them very badly, I probably wouldn't do it, but I would think it and probably act like a lunatic, initially. Finding out about the person you love being with another is a whole world of hurt and pain so no wonder that anger factors into it too. I put the 'blame' for my hurt onto my H, but I also don't get the enabling role in A's as that is obviously going to hurt another, usually the BS and family, so I think there should be an acknowledgement of contributing to the hurting of another. Hell if I sold a car to someone and the brakes proved faulty and they were injured I would feel responsible, even if I thought they were OK at the time, but also think that most of us can acknowledge that AP don't lure the MP, but they do have an enabling role.
Iconoclast Posted February 19, 2011 Posted February 19, 2011 No. For me it has nothing to do with ownership, biblical thinking, etc. It's quite simple, you knew getting into it that very severe consequences were a distinct possibility, yet did it anyway. BTW...the chances are so slim, it's almost irrelevant. I have a very very good relationship, and work very hard to keep it that way.
Tayla Posted February 19, 2011 Posted February 19, 2011 as the saying goes, instead of asking why, ask why not? It makes absolute sense to specify the parties at fault and then proceed to "clear the air" once the facts are known. Be it the OW/OM or the deceptive spouse. Doesn't matter which one gets the "piece" of someones mind, it does matter who is left standing with some clarity . ..... at some point one must pay the piper. the comeuppance need not be violent or physical though....
seren Posted February 20, 2011 Posted February 20, 2011 Jealousy lol!! Oh no Gotti, no way would I feel jealous about the way my H treated the OW, I have heard it from both and frankly, had he been the same as he was with OW toward me I would have wrapped a bow around his neck and delivered him to her in person. But, I can see how some people feel jealous, the only thing I was angry about was the lying, gaslighting and taking advantage of my trust. The rest? no, so not my idea of what a loving relationship is.
Gotti25 Posted February 20, 2011 Posted February 20, 2011 Shouldn't take things to a serious level after all is just a game!! As long you don't develop feelings for the OP which in my case I don't!!
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