Question! How to reassure a man of his worth?

[Titania22]

Hey Guys,

 

So for any of you that read my latest update you know I decided to see the guy that only wants sex, no relationship.

 

I had a feeling he felt quite highly of me, despite telling myself that I was just making that up, because I like him so much.

 

Well here's the thing, after a text conversation I just had with him, he definately thinks highly of me (at least as far as my body and education goes). And having read threads about guys not wanting to be with girls they see as "superior" to them, because they fear she will dump them when someone better comes along, I sense that is what I am looking at.

 

The crazy thing is, he is awesome. We have many similar interests, but more importantly his penis is amazing, and his skills as a lover are incredible. It's taken me 20yrs to meet a man that can make me really enjoy sex, without giving me physical pain or discomfort afterwards. (Seriously it doesn't matter how small a guy is, if there is a way to cause damage down there he will find it.)

 

I would hate to lose this opportunity to experience the joy and pleasure of sex, simply because he didn't feel worthy of me.

 

So I am probably going to see him tomorrow night, and I want to know, what can I do, say, anything to make him accept that I don't see him as beneath me, and I would have to have lost my mind before I would ever willingly toss him aside for another model? Obviously it would be good to do this without frightening him away.

 

And I have tried communicating my feelings on this matter via text message, and he didn't believe me.

 

Please help!

[Lilmisus]

Well for starters you can tell him face to face how you feel about him. Over text just doesn't really scream "I appreciate you, and I'm willing to show it" if you catch my drift. Next time he rocks your world after sex, tell him how he's one of the best (if not the best) that you've ever had to boost his confidence level. Or do something nice for him to show you care, even if he's not looking for a relationship. Cook him dinner, talk to him about things he enjoys, plan a night to fulfill his desires while focusing only on him, make him feel needed and wanted when you do something. There are so many ways you can get the message across from him, and although texting it is a start, it's not what you should be doing it if you want him to hear what you have to say.

[Eeyore79]

If he thought that highly of you, he'd want to be in a relationship with you instead of just using you for sex. I really don't think his problem is a lack of self worth or feeling he's beneath you; he just doesn't want to be in a relationship with you.He's already told you he can't give you what you want, so why don't you believe him instead of holding out hope that he just has a problem with his self worth?

[Emilia]

people can get intimidated by those that they are strongly attracted to but they will still give it a try and see if they can have a relationship. if someone makes clear he is only in it for the sex, he isn't interested in anything else sorry. I've found that men that really liked me weren't interested in FWB, they wanted full relationship or nothing

[Titania22]

Fair enough Girls, but I never said I was trying to change him from not wanting a relationship to wanting one. He is just out of a relationship, I would be more concerned if he would so easily jump straight into another one. He was rattled by the last one, he work long hours and apparently his ex was always wanting more time then he could give (with regards his work schedule), and he thinks all women will be the same. Fair enough!

 

My question was inspired by quotes like these from other threads.

 

Men hate feeling disposable and useless with a woman. We like to feel needed or at least wanted and with the way misandrists shove down our throat how useless and not needed we are now that woman are independent it makes women like this very intimidating. We figure we have no role or purpose in her life anyway so we go where we feel needed.

 

This is true! I love a brain but if she shows it off too much than I get little intimidated.

 

Men are not turned off by women who are much more educated or much richer.

 

But men are intimidated by women who are much more educated or much richer.

 

Personally I stay away from women who are more educated or wealthier than me. Its not because I dont like them. In fact I do. But its just that like other men, Im socially conditioned to believe that women dont respect men who are less in status. So better not start it in the first place then start it and dumped later.

 

When I responded to one of his texts with "well no fear, because I will always give you reason to feel quietly superior. ;)",

 

And he responds with "Not with your body and education. Those are a devastating one-two punch," it directly reminds me of quotes like those above I have seen on ls.

 

And Eeyore79, trust me when I say he is not doing any using when it comes to sex. Remember we have only had sex once, and it was because I asked for it, and if I hadn't asked it wouldn't have happened. And the way he does it, it's all for maximum female enjoyment.

[Eeyore79]

If you're only FWB, why do you feel the need to reassure him or bolster his self worth at all? All of the tactics I could recommend for boosting someone's self esteem are really more appropriate in the context of a relationship, not a FWB arrangement.

 

I get the feeling that you're hoping he'll stick around and eventually want a relationship; to me that sounds like a heartbreak waiting to happen. If you're genuinely happy just being FWB then go for it, but try not to get emotionally involved when he's told you he can't give you that.

[january2011]

Do you know what his love languages are?

 

Otherwise, I agree with Eeyore79's last post re: this being a FWB arrangement and therefore overinvestment is likely to be a dangerous path to tread.

[Leeway Harris]

If you're only FWB, why do you feel the need to reassure him or bolster his self worth at all?

 

Are you sure you know what a FWB is? When people who are not "together" sleep together, it doesn't have to mean that one of them is using the other for selfish purposes. Friends sometimes bolster one another's self worth just because they're friends, even if they're friends "with benefits". When you say stuff like this:

 

If he thought that highly of you, he'd want to be in a relationship with you instead of just using you for sex. I really don't think his problem is a lack of self worth or feeling he's beneath you; he just doesn't want to be in a relationship with you.He's already told you he can't give you what you want, so why don't you believe him instead of holding out hope that he just has a problem with his self worth?

 

...it makes me think you're projecting something onto this situation that might not actually be there.

[Titania22]

If you're only FWB, why do you feel the need to reassure him or bolster his self worth at all?

 

I like to bolster everyones self worth where possible. I live on a planet where I see a staggering lack of self worth in most people I come across (even if they try to hide it behind a mask). My ultimate purpose in life is to raise the self worth or improve the day of everyone I meet. I would much rather someone moved on because they believed they could do better, rather then because they believed they were unworthy.

 

As for this guy he has an absolutely wonderful penis, and gifted love making skills, and that is his gift to the women of the world. I want him to see that, so he won't get disheartened or low self worth from stupid women who have and will most likely turn up in his life, nagging him for all this relationship crap that he can't provide, because he works 80hrs a week.

 

I get the feeling that you're hoping he'll stick around and eventually want a relationship; to me that sounds like a heartbreak waiting to happen. If you're genuinely happy just being FWB then go for it, but try not to get emotionally involved when he's told you he can't give you that.

 

I do hope he will stick around, but not because I am hoping he will move in and mow my lawns, but because he is an incredible lover, the kind that is really rare.

 

Do you know what his love languages are?

 

Otherwise, I agree with Eeyore79's last post re: this being a FWB arrangement and therefore overinvestment is likely to be a dangerous path to tread.

 

I don't know his love languages, but I suspect from his actions that one could be the "doing things for people" one.

 

As for overinvestment and broken hearts, I am willing to suffer that in the future if necessary, if it means I managed to surrender completely to the present and be vunerable. The story of life isn't made any more vibrant by playing it safe. I want my life to be the stuff of legends, so that when i am old and can't get out of my chair, I have memories that will sustain me. If I have to live, then I want a life well lived. A life where I reached out and grabbed my opportunities, not one where I cowered in a corner, because I might get hurt.

 

Are you sure you know what a FWB is? When people who are not "together" sleep together, it doesn't have to mean that one of them is using the other for selfish purposes. Friends sometimes bolster one another's self worth just because they're friends, even if they're friends "with benefits". When you say stuff like this:

 

...it makes me think you're projecting something onto this situation that might not actually be there.

 

Leeway I agree with you. It sounds like they are confusing FB with FWB. Which is projection anyway, because even though I said he said just sex, I didn't use a label.

[Titania22]

20 yrs. boy o boy. oh boy.

 

Yes, so I guess you can understand why I would like him to be available for sex for as long as possible.

[Titania22]

Oh and BTW, the guy took his dating profile down after we had sex. What do you think that means?

[january2011]

I don't know his love languages, but I suspect from his actions that one could be the "doing things for people" one..

 

What I mean is, do you know how he prefers to receive love rather than how he prefers to give it?

 

As for overinvestment and broken hearts, I am willing to suffer that in the future if necessary, if it means I managed to surrender completely to the present and be vunerable. The story of life isn't made any more vibrant by playing it safe. I want my life to be the stuff of legends, so that when i am old and can't get out of my chair, I have memories that will sustain me. If I have to live, then I want a life well lived. A life where I reached out and grabbed my opportunities, not one where I cowered in a corner, because I might get hurt.

 

Titania - you're killing me with these words! It sounds like you may be having what I refer to as a "f*ck it" moment. You know you're going to have an adventure and it's going to change your life. There are potentially devastating consequences but you're willing to take the risk because you'd rather step up to the plate and take everything that life throws at you rather than live with the regret that you passed up a great opportunity. It's intoxicating and addictive during the experience but the come down can be quite traumatic. I suspect that you already know that though.

 

I guess that since you have your eyes open it's a step up from going into it blindly hoping for that fairytale ending.

 

Oh and BTW, the guy took his dating profile down after we had sex. What do you think that means?

 

Would you consider asking him directly?

[Titania22]

What I mean is, do you know how he prefers to receive love rather than how he prefers to give it?

 

I have no idea. I even brought it up on our first date, and he went all stoic.

 

 

Titania - you're killing me with these words! It sounds like you may be having what I refer to as a "f*ck it" moment. You know you're going to have an adventure and it's going to change your life. There are potentially devastating consequences but you're willing to take the risk because you'd rather step up to the plate and take everything that life throws at you rather than live with the regret that you passed up a great opportunity. It's intoxicating and addictive during the experience but the come down can be quite traumatic. I suspect that you already know that though.

 

I guess that since you have your eyes open it's a step up from going into it blindly hoping for that fairytale ending.

 

Absolutely. And the consequences aren't so devastating anymore. I was serious in that other thread, when I said I have already been to hell and back. A broken heart? Boo hoo, it's happened before and it'll happen again. I have grown up, and I take responsibility for my own choices, I have lived a life in fear and desperation, and no more. Now I either truly live, or I truly die, I don't mind which, but I am not accepting the biege middleground of being another walking dead.

 

Now when you say I am killing you, do you mean in a good way?

 

 

Would you consider asking him directly?

 

I have been considering just that.

[january2011]

I have no idea. I even brought it up on our first date, and he went all stoic.

 

Hmmm, if you're up to it and don't consider it game-playing, this might require some trial-and-error experimentation on your part to see what makes him the most happy.

 

Now when you say I am killing you, do you mean in a good way?

 

Yup. Most definitely. Your situation resonates strongly with me and I like the way you present it.

[daphne]

And the way he does it, it's all for maximum female enjoyment.

 

I say don't throw out the baby with the bathwater then!!!

[daphne]

but I am not accepting the biege middleground of being another walking dead.

 

Now when you say I am killing you, do you mean in a good way?

 

I'm curious to know how old you are. I guess I have experienced some drama in relationships past, and prize stability as being something quite good and not plain vanilla or "beige."

 

But then again, the drama I had was pretty high on the richter scale.

[Titania22]

I say don't throw out the baby with the bathwater then!!!

 

I'm curious to know how old you are. I guess I have experienced some drama in relationships past, and prize stability as being something quite good and not plain vanilla or "beige."

 

But then again, the drama I had was pretty high on the richter scale.

 

Hey I won't throw him out if he did decides he wants more at some point, but I can appreciate him and be respectful of the place he is now without trying to make it something more.

 

And I am not anti drama free relationships. But I am anti living a dull humdrum existence. My gandmother is a great inspiration, she met a man at 44yrs old, and spent 50yrs with him, travelling the world, living in different countries, making their fortunes and having lots of good times and adventure. He died a year ago after 50yrs, and she just turned 96yrs old this week, in full health, 14months after his death.

 

Ok i will come clean on the age thing. I am 38yrs young.

 

I also prize stability, ut I prize passion more. A life without passion isn't a life IMO.

[Leeway Harris]

My gandmother is a great inspiration, she met a man at 44yrs old, and spent 50yrs with him, travelling the world, living in different countries, making their fortunes and having lots of good times and adventure. He died a year ago after 50yrs, and she just turned 96yrs old this week, in full health, 14months after his death.

 

Wow.

.

.

.

.

.

[Titania22]

Well doesn't look like I will get to reassure him tonight. He is working late.

 

But I appreciate that I got to bounce this stuff of you guys. And if and when I get the chance to reassure him, I am sure I will be ready.

 

Feel free to give me any more advice in the mean time, because often I read things on here, I would never have thought of myself. I know I often overlook the simplest solutions.

[purple_cloud]

Just curious:

 

What happens after sex when you have "just sex" arrangement?

 

Do you cuddle? Do you chat? How long after one of you leaves?

[musemaj11]

Titania is the one using the guy for sex, so why are all the women saying that he is using her for sex?

 

 

Anyway, too many mentionings of the word 'penis' on this thread. Gay!

[OldSkool]

As for this guy he has an absolutely wonderful penis, and gifted love making skills, and that is his gift to the women of the world. I want him to see that, so he won't get disheartened or low self worth from stupid women who have and will most likely turn up in his life, nagging him for all this relationship crap that he can't provide, because he works 80hrs a week.

 

I do hope he will stick around, but not because I am hoping he will move in and mow my lawns, but because he is an incredible lover, the kind that is really rare.

 

Lovemaking skills are not inherent or innate, but learned. Anyone with the drive to learn, the patience to practice, the desire to please their partner and the humility to accept that they can always learn more can be an amazing lover. Trust me, this man did not just pop out of the womb as a natural born lover. No one does. Couple that with the fact that he just wants sex, has obviously had a lot of experience..... and draw your own conclusions.

 

I don't know about other men, especially ones half my age, however my lady does a wonderful job of reassuring me of my worth when I do things like mow lawns. Little things like changing the oil in her car, hanging a mirror, or fixing her computer, she acts like I just climbed the Swiss Alps to bring her a bouquet of edelweiss. She sends me off with fresh fruit, or a salad, she takes care of me, like I take care of her.

 

A real man places his self worth in his ability to provide for, protect, love and cherish his woman, not in his ability to give her orgasms. Hell if that were the case, every man would be second place to that damnable Hitachi wand.

[carhill]

Question! How to reassure a man of his worth?

 

Say whatever you're going to say and do whatever you're going to do, in person. Press flesh, look in eyes and speak. It doesn't have to be elaborate.

 

'I'm so happy you're in my life'

 

FWIW, most of the men who are my friends spent much of their lives working 60-80 hours per week building their businesses and fortunes, while being married and raising children who are now adults in their 20's-40's. They still have time to visit an elderly parent or bounce a grandchild on their knee. Time spent at work doesn't obviate other parts of life unless the person *chooses* that dynamic. Every action is a choice.

 

Good luck

[daphne]

Hey I won't throw him out if he did decides he wants more at some point, but I can appreciate him and be respectful of the place he is now without trying to make it something more.

 

And I am not anti drama free relationships. But I am anti living a dull humdrum existence. My gandmother is a great inspiration, she met a man at 44yrs old, and spent 50yrs with him, travelling the world, living in different countries, making their fortunes and having lots of good times and adventure. He died a year ago after 50yrs, and she just turned 96yrs old this week, in full health, 14months after his death.

 

Ok i will come clean on the age thing. I am 38yrs young.

 

I also prize stability, ut I prize passion more. A life without passion isn't a life IMO.

 

I think I see your paradigm more clearly. Perhaps you are catching up and haven't lived in the risk taking lane before, and are in the space to make sure life doesn't pass you by. Or maybe you've always been there and can't imagine it any other way. Either way, I guess I have had a few passionate experiences that to me meant high drama. Limerance. Not love. I had the true nitty gritty love and that was the best thing I've ever had. I want the best for him still.

 

But if you need limerance, then go for it. Have fun. Ride that ride til the wheels fall off. Just keep in mind that the shelf life isn't usually that long, and be prepared for withdrawals.

[Titania22]

Just curious:

 

What happens after sex when you have "just sex" arrangement?

 

Do you cuddle? Do you chat? How long after one of you leaves?

 

Well from my little experience with this one man, I would answer there is light conversation, nothing to personal or about my children. There are some cuddles. And you leave after your clothes are back on and before it gets awkward.

 

Lovemaking skills are not inherent or innate, but learned. Anyone with the drive to learn, the patience to practice, the desire to please their partner and the humility to accept that they can always learn more can be an amazing lover. Trust me, this man did not just pop out of the womb as a natural born lover. No one does. Couple that with the fact that he just wants sex, has obviously had a lot of experience..... and draw your own conclusions.

 

Yes I agree, however, not every man that practices becomes exceptional, and to make things more difficult, alot of women (such as myself) don't know what needs doings, and hence can't communicate it. This guy obviously isn't afraid to get down there and try stuff, he doesn't need to ask, "so how does that feel?" "do you like that?" My honest answer the one time he asked me was, it feels interesting. It was just weird to me, not bad, not orgasmic, but it did set up my body for the penetration part.

 

I don't have problems with people having experience. The only really awesome sexual experiences I have had with men up to this point were with guys who were "players" (not in the try hard sense, but in the actual sense). The difference between those 2 guys and this one, was in both cases I was in heat, and there skills didn't seem so great when I had sex and wasn't in heat, and with this guy I haven't really been that horny beforehand, but he knows the right buttons.

 

I also don't know how many women he has been with, but he has been married and he is only 24.

 

I don't know about other men, especially ones half my age, however my lady does a wonderful job of reassuring me of my worth when I do things like mow lawns. Little things like changing the oil in her car, hanging a mirror, or fixing her computer, she acts like I just climbed the Swiss Alps to bring her a bouquet of edelweiss. She sends me off with fresh fruit, or a salad, she takes care of me, like I take care of her.

 

Yes, I tend to be like this too. Extremely thankful; for every little thing, because I honestly am. I never expect goodness, helpfulness and generosity from humanity, and am always delightfully surprised when I receive it.

 

A real man places his self worth in his ability to provide for, protect, love and cherish his woman, not in his ability to give her orgasms. Hell if that were the case, every man would be second place to that damnable Hitachi wand.

 

And when I am mentioning these lovers, they have an ability to completely sexual satisfy without relying on orgasms. The best sexual experiences of my life never involved me having an orgasm.

 

BTW I don't understand your sarcasm, what's a Hitachi wand?

 

Say whatever you're going to say and do whatever you're going to do, in person. Press flesh, look in eyes and speak. It doesn't have to be elaborate.

 

'I'm so happy you're in my life'

 

FWIW, most of the men who are my friends spent much of their lives working 60-80 hours per week building their businesses and fortunes, while being married and raising children who are now adults in their 20's-40's. They still have time to visit an elderly parent or bounce a grandchild on their knee. Time spent at work doesn't obviate other parts of life unless the person *chooses* that dynamic. Every action is a choice.

 

Good luck

 

Yes, I think for him it's more like being only 24 and already having tried balancing a wife with his career. I think he just wants some time to chill and be single.

 

I think I see your paradigm more clearly. Perhaps you are catching up and haven't lived in the risk taking lane before, and are in the space to make sure life doesn't pass you by. Or maybe you've always been there and can't imagine it any other way. Either way, I guess I have had a few passionate experiences that to me meant high drama. Limerance. Not love. I had the true nitty gritty love and that was the best thing I've ever had. I want the best for him still.

 

But if you need limerance, then go for it. Have fun. Ride that ride til the wheels fall off. Just keep in mind that the shelf life isn't usually that long, and be prepared for withdrawals.

 

Hey Daphne, I always like reading your posts on the forum.

 

My experience with drama and passion in life hasn't been linked (at least not as far as sex is concern).

 

As for limerance, I found this definition Limerence is a cognitive and emotional state of being emotionally attached or even obsessed with another person, typically experienced involuntarily and characterized by a strong desire for reciprocation of one's feelings, but not primarily for a sexual relationship (although it can further intensify the situation).

 

And I would have to say, that I have experienced this many times in life, mostly in a state of my own fantasy.

 

I saw him this morning for sex (unexpectedly), and I would have to say, that I am not really getting any in love fantasy feelings about him. I can appreciate that I do want to have sex with him for as long as possible, and that biologically attachment will form and withdrawal will result when it ends. But I can also see that most likely it will end at some point, and skip the romantic notions of him realising I am the one and how we will grow old together.

 

My other posts about grabbing life and not being afraid, are about the balance in my day to day life, going after men if I want them, striving for a career if I want it, growing into being the person I can be (if only I can face my fears and move forward through them instead of running away).

 

It'd true I having catching up to do, but it is more from spending a life terrified. I have done terrified, now it's time to do brave and couragous.

 

And I know I started this thread with fears that this guy needed reassurance, after this morning I don't really feel he does. Not that he has 100% confidence, more that in terms of him only wanting sex I don't think my having a sexy body is going to be a deterrent, and i don't think my education is relevent. It could be different if he was actually considering me for a relationship, but I don't think he is.