The Studmuffin Posted February 17, 2011 Posted February 17, 2011 Reasons for leaving: How does it feel? Hello everyone, It's been a very long time since I wrote on this message board... guess I've been concentrating on other things... but it's good to be back! I have a question about staying or leaving. I need to ask this question - and it's very simple - because I feel I have a very unnatural attitude to relationships. Let me explain. I have an anxiety problem. It could probably be called 'commitment phobia'. It's like this: As soon as I become 'intimate' with a girl, an intense emotional reaction is triggered inside of me, and I'm flooded with the feeling that I'm doing something wrong. I get filled with fear, guilt, and there is a desperate escape impulse inside of me. The feeling is heavy and negative. It takes me over. It's kind of like the common extreme fear of flying, except for me it applies to relationships. It's a panic. I am trying to work on this within myself. I try to tell myself that I should be able to consider things even-headedly - whether I want to leave, or whether anything 'bad' is happening. I shouldn't experience great fear, guilt, or the feeling that something horrible will happen if I continue the relationship. (Right?) I need to look at this anxiety of mine, and the feelings and thoughts that come with it, with reason and logic and neutrality. So my simple question is: If you're in a relationship, or even just dating, and you want to leave, what does it feel like? (What thoughts go through your head? What feelings? Is it a simple contemplation? Is there any fear in it? Is it instinct-based? Simply, what does it feel like?) I honestly need to hear this, no matter how simple and obvious the answer may be, because my thinking and feeling get so clouded when I'm in this situation, that I don't know what a normal reaction in this situation is. I might even also ask: If you're in a relationship, and you want to stay, how does that feel? Why do you stay?
Lilmisus Posted February 17, 2011 Posted February 17, 2011 Reasons for leaving: How does it feel? Hello everyone, It's been a very long time since I wrote on this message board... guess I've been concentrating on other things... but it's good to be back! I have a question about staying or leaving. I need to ask this question - and it's very simple - because I feel I have a very unnatural attitude to relationships. Let me explain. I have an anxiety problem. It could probably be called 'commitment phobia'. It's like this: As soon as I become 'intimate' with a girl, an intense emotional reaction is triggered inside of me, and I'm flooded with the feeling that I'm doing something wrong. I get filled with fear, guilt, and there is a desperate escape impulse inside of me. The feeling is heavy and negative. It takes me over. It's kind of like the common extreme fear of flying, except for me it applies to relationships. It's a panic. I am trying to work on this within myself. I try to tell myself that I should be able to consider things even-headedly - whether I want to leave, or whether anything 'bad' is happening. I shouldn't experience great fear, guilt, or the feeling that something horrible will happen if I continue the relationship. (Right?) I need to look at this anxiety of mine, and the feelings and thoughts that come with it, with reason and logic and neutrality. So my simple question is: If you're in a relationship, or even just dating, and you want to leave, what does it feel like? (What thoughts go through your head? What feelings? Is it a simple contemplation? Is there any fear in it? Is it instinct-based? Simply, what does it feel like?) I honestly need to hear this, no matter how simple and obvious the answer may be, because my thinking and feeling get so clouded when I'm in this situation, that I don't know what a normal reaction in this situation is. I might even also ask: If you're in a relationship, and you want to stay, how does that feel? Why do you stay? That is unnatural, but I can somewhat relate. I spent most of my life as a social phobic, so imagine not even being able to get intimate with someone without feeling anxiety and a need to leave them. Or talking to anyone at all. I'm almost completely over it though, and so I know that though it's hard, you can get over this as well. You might want to consider going to see a therapist though, since this isn't natural, and it can easily ruin your life in the long run, no matter how hard you try to get over it. But you can get over it on your own, and I know this because I've been getting over my phobia on my own (and with the help of a few close friends and boyfriend). I think you can understand why I wont tell you how it feels for me to want to leave somebody, since I'm definitely the wrong person to tell you that considering your situation, but I do know what it feels to want to stay with someone. You feel so comfortable with them, that you just don't want to let that feeling go. You stay in that relationship because it feels right, and you don't want to lose a chance at what could possibly be a great, wonderful relationship. You don't even have to think about it, it's just there. But like I said, I think your best bet is to seek therapy, and continue trying to help yourself through it. I don't know how you feel about the idea of doing so, but it's something that could really change your life around.
Author The Studmuffin Posted February 17, 2011 Author Posted February 17, 2011 Hey Lilmisus, Thanks a lot for your response. I have somehow rather had the feeling that it's much more up to me to fix this. When I've tried to tell people about it, or seek help, I never feel they really understand. I have been to a psychologist, even two different ones. I don't feel they helped much, but still, a little bit. I might try it again though, with someone different. Anybody else want to share?
Jazzari Posted February 17, 2011 Posted February 17, 2011 How I feel if I want to leave depends on the circumstances. It could be anger, sadness, depressed, or just a yearning for something more. When I divorced my first husband, I had a 3 month old baby. So I was terrified of being on my own. I also felt shame that I had made the mistake of marrying him in the first place. And embarassed that the marriage had failed. There was also relief that I was getting out. It was very emotional and not easy. When I stay, I feel happy, content and excited about the future. I feel stronger and more balanced with the person than without him. I have a "you and me against the world" mindset and feel solid and safe.
Jazzari Posted February 17, 2011 Posted February 17, 2011 maried a nice guy. whoopsNo, an alcoholic. Whoops. Seriously, are you 12 years old???
january2011 Posted February 18, 2011 Posted February 18, 2011 So my simple question is: If you're in a relationship, or even just dating, and you want to leave, what does it feel like? (What thoughts go through your head? What feelings? Is it a simple contemplation? Is there any fear in it? Is it instinct-based? Simply, what does it feel like?) I honestly need to hear this, no matter how simple and obvious the answer may be, because my thinking and feeling get so clouded when I'm in this situation, that I don't know what a normal reaction in this situation is. I might even also ask: If you're in a relationship, and you want to stay, how does that feel? Why do you stay? Leave: irritated, distant, impatient, fidgety, annoyed, my teeth are on edge, dismissive, reluctant, obligated, defensive, I feel like I want to keep the interactions short, I want to run away and get out of there as soon as possible then relief but guilt when it's all over. Stay (after the honeymoon period): safe, loved, comfortable, reassured, happy, content, natural, easy, flowing, in-tune, invincible, stronger, supported. We feel like a team as Jazzari wrote, "you and me against the world." That we could accomplish anything we wanted together. That we make each other better people. I stay because it feels right and it feels good because our relationship just 'works'.
zengirl Posted February 18, 2011 Posted February 18, 2011 If I want to leave, I know why. It doesn't feel irrational. It's based on something tangible to me. Usually it comes down to either compatibility or love or behavior. Either he isn't compatible, I don't love him/lust for him/think I ever will, or his behavior has been hurtful to me, our trust, and our relationship. Basically, it boils down to, the guy = more pain than is worthwhile, long-run. But my brain is like an Excel spreadsheet. I'm weird. If I want to stay, it feels like love, peace, happiness, and warmth. I snuggle inwards just thinking about my boyfriend. He makes me happy. I want to reference something from the Watson computer thing on Jeopardy. They fed the words "liking, kissing, and happy" into the computer to attempt (poorly) to teach it what love is. That's about right. i'm 112. youre 12. Love it! At least bob71 amuses me, as trolls go. He's like a troll parody.
Author The Studmuffin Posted February 21, 2011 Author Posted February 21, 2011 If I want to leave, I know why. It doesn't feel irrational. It's based on something tangible to me. Usually it comes down to either compatibility or love or behavior. Either he isn't compatible, I don't love him/lust for him/think I ever will, or his behavior has been hurtful to me, our trust, and our relationship. I think that what Zengirl just said sums up what I was looking to hear. What I needed to hear. And this makes sense. It's that when you leave someone, it's for a reason. Sure, that reason can sometimes be just a gut feeling, but usually it's because of something. And this is why I'm going to continue in the relationship that I'm in, and not run, even though a panicky voice inside me tells me to. I need a reason to leave. At least I do while I'm quite happy spending time with the girl I'm with. And I'm going to seek what ways I can for help, to work on this phobia of mine. Any comments appreciated on that one. Thanks for your replies!
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