The Studmuffin Posted February 17, 2011 Posted February 17, 2011 Hello everyone, It's been a very long time since I wrote on this message board... guess I've been concentrating on other things... but it's good to be back! I have a question about staying or leaving. I need to ask this question - and it's very simple - because I feel I have a very unnatural attitude to relationships. Let me explain. I have an anxiety problem. It could probably be called 'commitment phobia'. It's like this: As soon as I become 'intimate' with a girl, an intense emotional reaction is triggered inside of me, and I'm flooded with the feeling that I'm doing something wrong. I get filled with fear, guilt, and there is a desperate escape impulse inside of me. The feeling is heavy and negative. It takes me over. It's kind of like the common extreme fear of flying, except for me it applies to relationships. It's a panic. I am trying to work on this within myself. I try to tell myself that I should be able to consider things even-headedly - whether I want to leave, or whether anything 'bad' is happening. I shouldn't experience great fear, guilt, or the feeling that something horrible will happen if I continue the relationship. (Right?) I need to look at this anxiety of mine, and the feelings and thoughts that come with it, with reason and logic and neutrality. So my simple question is: If you're in a relationship, or even just dating, and you want to leave, what does it feel like? (What thoughts go through your head? What feelings? Is it a simple contemplation? Is there any fear in it? Is it instinct-based? Simply, what does it feel like?) I honestly need to hear this, no matter how simple and obvious the answer may be, because my thinking and feeling get so clouded when I'm in this situation, that I don't know what a normal reaction in this situation is. I might even also ask: If you're in a relationship, and you want to stay, how does that feel? Why do you stay?
D78 Posted February 17, 2011 Posted February 17, 2011 ... I am trying to work on this within myself. I try to tell myself that I should be able to consider things even-headedly - whether I want to leave, or whether anything 'bad' is happening. I shouldn't experience great fear, guilt, or the feeling that something horrible will happen if I continue the relationship. (Right?) Right, except for the working on it within yourself thing. I think it would be better to work with someone else, like a therapist. I think therapy is great, so I'm not saying that to be unkind. It's just very difficult to evaluate and correct yourself. ... So my simple question is: If you're in a relationship, or even just dating, and you want to leave, what does it feel like? (What thoughts go through your head? What feelings? Is it a simple contemplation? Is there any fear in it? Is it instinct-based? Simply, what does it feel like?) I've only left one serious relationship. He cheated, so I think he technically left first, but I was the one to break it off after trying to forgive him. It was just really obvious that I had to leave. It was probably instinct-based, for self-preservation. It wasn't a simple contemplation for me at that time, because I thought true love required forgiveness. It's difficult to describe what it feels like, and it's probably different for each person. Does it really do any good to describe how it feels to want to leave? You don't know how it feels to want to stay, so I guess wanting to leave is what you normally feel like. (?) ... I might even also ask: If you're in a relationship, and you want to stay, how does that feel? Why do you stay? I stay because my life is better with the person than without him. It feels like it's what's supposed to happen. Sorry to be so vague, that's just what it feels like to me. Good luck!
Author The Studmuffin Posted February 17, 2011 Author Posted February 17, 2011 Right, except for the working on it within yourself thing. I think it would be better to work with someone else, like a therapist. I think therapy is great, so I'm not saying that to be unkind. It's just very difficult to evaluate and correct yourself. Sure, I would tend to agree. But I've tried seeing two therapists, and they both helped me marginally. The trick is that nobody can tell you whether you want to be in relationship - it has to come from yourself. But if you're own feelings and instincts are twisted, resolving them is not a given. But I might still give it another shot. Try a different therapist. Does it really do any good to describe how it feels to want to leave? You don't know how it feels to want to stay, so I guess wanting to leave is what you normally feel like. (?) Yes, wanting to leave is almost always what I feel. But I wanted to hear what "normal" sounded like, so I could compare it to what I feel. When you have these loud, abnormal feelings going on, it's necessary to compare them with something sane. It allows to look at them and think "Hey, what's going on there? That's a bit sick, isn't it?". And these feelings lose their power over you. Thanks for your reply! Anybody else? Please feel free to comment!
kaygato Posted February 17, 2011 Posted February 17, 2011 Sure, I would tend to agree. But I've tried seeing two therapists, and they both helped me marginally. The trick is that nobody can tell you whether you want to be in relationship - it has to come from yourself. But if you're own feelings and instincts are twisted, resolving them is not a given. But I might still give it another shot. Try a different therapist. Yes, wanting to leave is almost always what I feel. But I wanted to hear what "normal" sounded like, so I could compare it to what I feel. When you have these loud, abnormal feelings going on, it's necessary to compare them with something sane. It allows to look at them and think "Hey, what's going on there? That's a bit sick, isn't it?". And these feelings lose their power over you. Thanks for your reply! Anybody else? Please feel free to comment! I feel like I might have a similar problem. I feel like I may have some fears of intimacy that make it hard for me to open up to people. I feel like this might have been a problem in my last relationship, but I'm not sure. I had some anxiety/depression going on towards the end of it and I started to really overthink the relationship. I started to get anxious that we'd been together so long and I'm not sure if I ever truly tusted him to accept me as I was. Do you feel like this? I'm still confused because I love him, but those uncertain feelings made me kind of mess up our relationship. I'm still unsure whether those feeling were something that could have been overcome by a different relationship, or if the problem was that I just needed more time to fully trust him.
Author The Studmuffin Posted February 18, 2011 Author Posted February 18, 2011 I feel like I might have a similar problem. I feel like I may have some fears of intimacy that make it hard for me to open up to people. I feel like this might have been a problem in my last relationship, but I'm not sure. I had some anxiety/depression going on towards the end of it and I started to really overthink the relationship. I started to get anxious that we'd been together so long and I'm not sure if I ever truly tusted him to accept me as I was. Do you feel like this? I'm still confused because I love him, but those uncertain feelings made me kind of mess up our relationship. I'm still unsure whether those feeling were something that could have been overcome by a different relationship, or if the problem was that I just needed more time to fully trust him. My thing is similar to yours, in that I do develop affective feelings, I can even love the girl. But there is a gnawing doubt, always a feeling that something is wrong. However, in my case, I've noticed, this "doubt" uses different reasons for being. Sometimes it says: "She's not hot enough, you're not totally fascinated by her" (as if you need to be totally head over heels). Sometimes it's: "She's not your type, she's not gentle enough, not soft enough". And sometimes there's not any reason at all, sometimes it happens before any real relationship has begun to develop. "Overthink"? Yes, definately my case! It's basically the trademark of anxiety. You say: " I started to get anxious that we'd been together so long" and "I'm not sure if I ever truly tusted him to accept me as I was". Are those two different things? What is most important to me is to think clearly, and allow things to be as they are, and be able to enjoy them for what they are. I don't want all my thinking and senses to be clouded by some old emotional pattern (or whatever that anxiety is).
kaygato Posted February 18, 2011 Posted February 18, 2011 My thing is similar to yours, in that I do develop affective feelings, I can even love the girl. But there is a gnawing doubt, always a feeling that something is wrong. However, in my case, I've noticed, this "doubt" uses different reasons for being. Sometimes it says: "She's not hot enough, you're not totally fascinated by her" (as if you need to be totally head over heels). Sometimes it's: "She's not your type, she's not gentle enough, not soft enough". And sometimes there's not any reason at all, sometimes it happens before any real relationship has begun to develop. "Overthink"? Yes, definately my case! It's basically the trademark of anxiety. You say: " I started to get anxious that we'd been together so long" and "I'm not sure if I ever truly tusted him to accept me as I was". Are those two different things? What is most important to me is to think clearly, and allow things to be as they are, and be able to enjoy them for what they are. I don't want all my thinking and senses to be clouded by some old emotional pattern (or whatever that anxiety is). I would say they're two separate issues. I think for me it also is an issue of not being able to enjoy things for what they are. I have a hard time living in the moment, and just letting a relationship go with the flow. I also had fears that I wasn't obsessed enough with my ex...or "head over heals" as you called it. At least we recognize that we have a problem lol! I think for me it's half a fear of intimacy and half an inability to "go with the flow" as they say. I've been seeing a counselor at my university, and it's something I'm hoping to make progress on. I think it'll help me with friendships and romantic relationships.
depplover_1980 Posted February 18, 2011 Posted February 18, 2011 Hi there, You need to have cognitive behavioural therapy and a structured approach. I don't think talking about your emotions is going to hit the source of your problems, because the issue is actually a psycho semantic response. You need it structurally pointing out to you, perhaps in diagram format of what is happening regarding the commitment phobia. For example your initial fear will trigger off questioning, that probably results in an attitude shift to your partner, that triggers on and so forth, until you walk away from the relationship. Obviously it is difficult for me to give it full justice here. This was the only form of therapy that got me through a very severe (in that I started to want to take my own life due to the thoughts) OCD. Once my psychological pattern was presented to me in such simplicity on paper, I could then look at it in sections. In the end I pretty much saw my brain as a computer that had malfunctioned. Only once I had some understanding of the what was going wrong on the mechanical level could I talk through my feelings about what I was suffering etc; which would explain why you've had no luck with therapy so far. Go online and find an acclaimed and successful CBT therapist. I hope you get better because this is preventing you from having a full life, but the fact you want to change means you WILL. Good luck. x
Author The Studmuffin Posted February 21, 2011 Author Posted February 21, 2011 I think for me it's half a fear of intimacy and half an inability to "go with the flow" as they say. I've been seeing a counselor at my university, and it's something I'm hoping to make progress on. I think it'll help me with friendships and romantic relationships. I definately know the feeling of "not being able to go with the flow". There is a clear connection between living some form of unjustified emotional pain (anxiety, depression, sadness, whatever) and living in the moment. When you experience something like this, it totally blocks you from the actual moment. And it's annoying as hell! "You need to have cognitive behavioural therapy and a structured approach. I don't think talking about your emotions is going to hit the source of your problems, because the issue is actually a psycho semantic response" ("Psycho semantic"... do you mean psycho somatic? 'Semantic' has something to do with grammar...) Thanks for your advice. I've already contacted a local anxiety treatment center. I think they do CBT. But I think I've already read books on similar topics, and they have helped a lot actually. Good luck to us all!
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